What neglectful things did your dm do to you as a child?

[Lovemymumnot]

Mine didn't bond with me at all. Everything was always about her, what I could do for her. I was tied to the cot as a toddler and during the day I spent hours in one of those doorway bouncer seats. She had an eating disorder which was neatly passed on to me. She never played with me, cuddled me, told me she loved me. I didn't always have the appropriate clothes to wear, like a decent coat in winter. Periods and first bras were awful, I had to go to my father. And she can't fathom why I'm NC now...

My dm was a lp. Once fell off a wall and was badly bleeding between the legs. Didn't visit A&E as she was fearful of what they would say. Same when she cut my elbow open with a broken tea mug rinsing my hair in the bath. 2 nasty scars to thank her for.
Not much else.
She married a man who wasn't pleasant.

But wouldn't let me see my df unless she was there.
Been nc since I had my dc and realised being a dgm wasn't her thing either.

Oh no OP that's awful :( I was going to have a moan about my mum, but she wasn't that bad. I relate to some of it though. I'm very low contact her with her now, and like yours she can't think what my problem is. If I describe things that upset me she says she can't remember them or didn't mean to.

I think mothers like this have very little understanding of themselves, and don't understand other people's needs either. She couldn't be a good mum to you. I don't mean you have to forgive her or see her though.

Have you had any help, counselling or support about this?

That’s really sad OP. Do you have children of your own?

Having my own little girl recently highlighted how bad my mother was with me, not abusive or anything but still.

She had various partners move in with us who were absolutely awful, one of them had a son who constantly stole from me- she said nothing.

General neglect - I remember not being able to read or know my abc’s at primary.

Never took any interest in my wedding. Except for asking about her own hair/makeup.

No emotional or financial support at uni.

List is pretty endless really but I’ve learned to move on, I have my own family now and that’s all that matters.

My mother never told me that she loved me or said anything nice when I got good grades. But she was very unpleasant whenever I got a bad grade.

My little brother used to annoy me or throw things at me. When I threw something back or hit him (not hard), he would get my mother. I told her that he had started it but she told me that I was older and that "the wiser gives way". I then often got punished by not being allowed into the living room for a week and thus had to spend the evenings alone in my room (I was under 10 years old). God, the times I wanted to run away from home....

I was closer to my dad. He had an affair when I was about 12 years old. My mum told me and my brother all about it. The affair lasted for a couple of months and she made sure that we were always up to date. Occasionally, she would tell us that we would move away and when we had gotten used to the idea, she would tell us that she had changed her mind because we would then less money and she wouldn't be able to go out for a coffee. Her "plan" to move out with us came up over and over again until I went to the U.S. for 2 years as an au pair.

She never left my father and I do tend to think that it would be better for him if they were to separate as she is always complaining about him. Both my brother and I don't want to have children on our own and she is complaining about that as well.

I could go on and on but nowadays, I don't see her that often. I don't even hate her; I just don't care about her.

Left us home alone, we never knew when she'd be back. Sometimes she'd leave us a fiver, others nothing and no food. She'd always lock the door so I'd have to climb out of a window to get to the shop for food for siblings.
Batter us, scratch, pull hair, knock heads together, tried to throw me down the stairs because she thought I was home from work too late and must therefore be a slag - I was 19 and actually just conscientious (and too fucked up to even speak to anyone never mind be sexually active).
Willingly slept with her own close family member, told me she thought I may have been the result of that.
Told me she thought I had special needs, discussed me with family members. I don't, not even close.
Used to regularly kick me out and forbid me from staying with my father. Who used to close the door in my face because he was scared of her...
These aren't even the worst bits.
I'm NC with them both now. My siblings are too.

She and not so DF decided to prioritise maintaining their relationship with my DB who sexually abused DSis and me. When I told them about it they told me not to tell anyone because of how it would look for them and that people wouldn’t believe me and they couldn’t hold family parties if I didn’t shut up. It worked for 10 further years until I copped the hell on and went NC with them (and went to the police).

Weirdly, my mother wouldn't let me wear school uniform until I went to secondary school. Because nobody was going to tell her what her child should wear. She was a teacher at my primary school too. Looking back, very odd.

I never wore uniform either! Like she wanted me to be the odd one out. I have a name I have met no other, she wouldn't let my df see me unless he came to our house. Never to this day gave me a reason why, he was a bog standard man, nc now as never had a chance to build a relationship as a dc and was too late as an adult.
Nc with her also.

After promising to leave my abusive father and take me with her so we could start a wonderful new life without the abuse, she decided to abandon me to go and move in with her new boyfriend and left me in the hands of my father... I still have the scars he left.

I was neglected.

She did her best at times and I loved her. But she was really cruel to me when she felt like it and we were blatantly neglected by her and my dad. Dad total narcissist and possibly mother’s problem too - who knows.

Woke up during the night, she wasn’t in, my dad was nowhere. I was about 4, my brother younger.

We went out to the street to look for her and knocked on the door of her friend over the road. They were finishing up a dinner party. To this day, no idea where she was but a man who was not dad will have been involved. No idea where he was but he probably gave her a good slap for the trouble upon returning.

I could go on, but I can’t bring myself to write it all down.

They’re both dead now. I actually let myself start to remember and accept the truth of my childhood - for years I thought it was all normal and every home was like it.

Got left home alone. She actually mentioned this at the weekend, reminding me of the time I broke my arm and she was in the pub. She said ‘Well, I came back”. Well, whoopy fucking do! Do you want a medal?!

My older brother used to beat me, I was never believed because the parents weren’t there. I still can’t stand him.

TRIGGER WARNING

My siblings and I weren't physically neglected, but my DM was too busy working long hours running a language school to be aware of what we were doing. She left our care to au pairs and our not so 'D'F, who was at home more because he had Parkinson's Disease. But what he was actually doing was subjecting DSis and me to SA and also some of our school friends. (We were also abused by other men, and also by my DB, who was also a victim too.)

My DM has always thought that she was so very approachable and she can't understand now why we didn't talk to her about what was going on. But even when she was at hone, her mind was on business, and she had a business telephone extension at home, too. She only really noticed us when we'd done something wrong.

I accept that my DM very likely didn't know what was going in. But she was so unavailable to us emotionally that there was no way we could ever have told her.

Mine did not hit me

She was neglectful in that in the whole of my primary school life I never got there on time. I got so many detentions over it I started dragging my kid sister to school by myself in a blind panic of anxiety. I had nightmares and panic attacks a lot as a young child and she never got me any help for them. She left me with my father alone regularly who was physically abusive and neglectful. Generally my childhood feels brown. Grubby, dull with no happy memories. She chain smoked in the kitchen and never played with us. She let my dad physically harm me and didn’t prevent a family member child abuser from being around us. We had awful nutrition and everything was attributed to being poor, except my dad always had enough money for alcohol. She has always been a perpetual victim and if you talk about your dull brown childhood she will get upset about how hard it was for her. My dad was/is very controlling but she just let it all happen, never fought back and detached from her kids. It was very depressing. I don’t have any nice memories

DDIJ it doesn't have to be that way. Are you getting any help?

for all of you, this is so very sad x

Once she had my equally useless 'D'F take us out for the Saturday. She told us that when we returned she wouldn't let us back in. I spent the morning with my 'D'F feeling sick and terrified about what was happening in. She arrived and doesn't let us back in. She throws a suitcase to him and tells him to keep us. My siblings and I spend the week sleeping on a mattress in the living room of one of his rental properties. On the Saturday a week later the police turn up. She had hidden our passports in the lining of the suitcase and told them that he had planned to abduct us to his country of origin. The police ask my dad why three kids are sleeping on one mattress, he tells them that we wanted to. In fact, he hadn't wanted his filthy children dirtying his new London house that's ready to rent out. The police interview us all and return us back to our 'D'M. The glee on her face when walked back in was sickening. We were exhausted and she was so happy that she had managed to get one over on my 'D'F.

My 'D'M also made me pee over an open fire to try and cure my bedwetting. She didn't cook or clean and brought over a young girl from her country of origin to do the domestic work and abused her. This 14 year old girl who I consider my sister was in charge of cooking, cleaning and caring for a newborn, 5 year old and a 6 year old. She finally escaped the house at 20 when my DM beat her and pushed her down the stairs. She tried to runaway to the US but was guiltripped into staying. My DM bullies her to this day.

I wish I had had the guts to cut her out of my life when I left university.

Watching

My dm had a string of men. One night when she was 'entertaining' the 2 brothers who lived next door I was so scared to come out of my bedroom for the loo I wee-d on my carpet and blamed ddog the next day. Felt guilty for years, I loved that ddog .

Jesus Broke is there no way to help her?

My dm loved us. She was just....busy. Busy keeping house and looking after 3 dc. There wasn't much money I suppose either.

Things that rankle now I'm a parent...
Never encouraged us, taught us (nagged us) to take care of our appearance. Or brush our teeth. Or have good hygeine. 2 of us sorted that out for and by ourselves but the youngest (at age 40) is... not good at that kind of thing still.

Didn't really buy us any clothes beyond the basics. Liked making clothes, but would spend more time making her own clothes for posh dinners out rather any clothes we needed. There was love there and she liked making them for us, but we were the odd ones out with home made school uniform and few clothes in our wardrobe to choose from. My own DC have overflowing wardrobes as a result!

Didn't notice when we needed new things. I was told off for wearing (scruffy) trainers when my school shoes broke. It was an embarrassing few weeks til I got a new pair.

Told me she wished she’d never had me, made me pay her board from my paper round and Saturday jobs starting when I was 12, hit me often, broke my nose, told everyone I was bad and would make up things I had supposed to have done, gave me no values, didn’t teach me how to self care, cut my hair off when it was complimented, told friends not to speak to me...

She didn’t do any of this with my older sister.

Cut her off as an adult. When she died hardly anyone went to the funeral. I didn’t.

My DM was your typical working class, terrified of people in authority, type person. Everyone was out to get you and the best course of action was to keep a low profile. Don’t call the police or They will put your windows out. Don’t let anyone know you have a bit of cash or They will stop your benefits. Don’t tell anyone you’re depressed or They will take your kids away. Don’t admit you can’t cope or They will have you sectioned. We appeared to be always terrified of They doing something to us. When I was bullied and depressed as a teenager she prevented me getting help because They would just bully me more if I grassed them up, and if They found out I was depressed then They would lock me up in the nut house and force feed me mood altering drugs. I suffered terribly for years because I wasn’t allowed to ask for help. As an adult I’m still distrustful of everyone.

Left my dad when i was very young, would agree to come and get us one day over the weekend, but would either be late or not bother. Carried on claiming the child benefit for us because she didn't have any money.

Eventually had us living with her, but wouldn't clean or bathe us, we would only get a bath at the weekends with our father. She'd put us to bed at the absolute earliest time. Strange things like have food that we wouldn't be allowed to eat under any circumstances and then she'd sit in front of us eating it.
She attempted suicide when I was 6, this was to make a boyfriend not leave her.
She never got us clothes or shoes, my dad did all that again.
She would tell us she loved us, and she always used to say how important it was to tell people you loved them because if they died or you died it's the last thing you said to them, but then if we pissed her off she'd refuse to say it resulting in complete and utter panic from us that if we died or she died then at that time she didn't love us.
She sent us to the shop with a note to buy cigarettes when we were very underage, and at any chance to get rid of us onto someone else she would.

I've not had any contact with her in 4 years now.

My dad does the love guilt speech thing. I used to cry with guilt but sometimes now I think hurry up and die so I get to finally win when I don’t care

Where do I begin...

Leaving me locked outside our house when she knew I was desperate for the toilet. She'd gone to the supermarket (5 minute drive away). I'd come home from school & realises I was locked out. I called her to tell her I was desperate for the toilet and really needed her to come home ASAP. She took 45 minutes as she bumped into her friend and had to have a chat. I was in agony by that point but luckily didn't wet myself.

Picking me up hours late from any activity I did after school. Could be waiting up to 2 hours.

Telling me my grandmother had died, when I was 13. Then when I was crying, she started shouting at me to tidy my room. She wouldn't drive me round to my grandmothers house where all the family were until it was done.

The list goes on.