I need to walk away for good but guilt is killing me

[Sj325]

Feel as if I’m never away from here asking for relationship advice....

Posted a couple of weeks ago asking for some advice on how much a step parent should be doing as my then partner of 2.5 (now ex) never done a thing with DD’s. This caused many problems during the relationship. He had been in DD’s lives for 2 years, said he loved them dearly and seen them as his own kids (DD’s are NC with biological father as he decided he didn’t want to see them anymore a year and a half ago) the issue I had was, there were never any actions to match the words. He would come in from work, lay about all night in the bedroom watching TV while I done everything in the house (I work full time also) I’d do his washings, cook for him and the kids, clean the house, help kids with homework, take kids to clubs - I’d walk or take the bus as I don’t drive while he’s sitting there with a car but won’t get off his arse to drive us anywhere. He didn’t contribute a penny, would eat all my food, half the time eat what I’d bough in for the kids packed lunches....the list goes on.

A week ago I decided to end the relationship as we were constantly falling out about him not pulling his weight. When we fell out, he’d say he would do more and I would suggest things like he could get the girls from school one day a week to let me work on and make up a bit of time in work (I work flexi time) take my youngest to brownies on a Monday or help them with homework. He always agreed to do these things but then nothing would materialise and he’d continue his lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and have decided to have a termination. I have the appointment on Wednesday. I just cannot bring another child into this world as a single parent and I know if I stay with him I will be forever miserable. I’ve also blocked him from mine and the kids phones. DD’s know about the baby so I was going to tell them I miscarried

But...he’s started sending me emails calling me vindictive, twisted and spiteful and saying how could I live with myself if I get our child “Ripped from my womb” He said he will tell DD’s what I have done in 10 years when they’re old enough to understand. When I was in my early 20’s I had a one night stand behind DD dads back, which I told him about and he’s using that saying because I done it before I must have done it to him so, as after all, a leopard never changes his spots. I never even as much as text another guy while I was with him.

I’m already racked with guilt about having a termination and he’s making it 100x worse. I’m scared he’s going to tell people what I’ve done. I’ve only told 1 friend about the termination and she supports me 100% but I was going to tell other friends/family and work colleagues I miscarried.

Sorry this is long, just looking for some sound advice on what to do about this guy.

Sorry to hear you are in this situation OP.
You need to go No Contact with him asap.
Don't have anymore contact with him.
He can only get to you if you let him, so don't let him guilt you any further.
Basically tell him to eff Off!!

I think you are doing the right thing. What a pig of a man. Stick to your miscarriage story. He’s the one who should be feeling guilty for not paying anything and being so lazy. Act as if you don’t care if he continues to make threats and consider reporting him to the police if he doesn’t back off.

He sounds like a twat and tbh even if he does tell people that you’ve terminated his baby, they won’t blame you - plenty of women have had to make this heart breaking decision and we all know that it’s not something you would do lightly - any man who thinks that’s a good way to get people on his side is deluded. Unless you live in the Christian heartlands of the US or somewhere with a majority of religious extremists/pro-lifers, his threats to ‘out’ you are pretty hollow.

He won’t have anything to do with your DDs in ten years time, they probably won’t even remember him.

Just block and ignore him.

what is he suggesting ? you have the baby & he comes back to lie of the sofa ?
please block him, he is your EX for a very good reason, Tosser

Don't give him opportunity to ruin your life any further.

You know what is right for you and if anything, surely he's just doubly reconfirmed he's not worthy of being in your life.he's trying to blackmail you.

Don't write back to him, ignore everything and if you must, once you've had the termination write to him to tell him about your miscarriage. Raise your DC to not judge people, and to be independent and strong. If he ever does crawl out of the wood work they'll be understanding and sympathetic, and impressed with your bravery.

Good luck with everything.

OP, he's getting at you to try and make you feel guilty because you've taken his meal ticket away by getting rid of him.

You've made a decision that you feel is best for you, don't worry about others and what they might think. In fact, many people will understand why you've made your decision.

Thank you for the advice

@MulticolouMophead I was thinking this too. He knows if I don’t have this baby then that is the absolute end for us so he’s resorted to the emotional blackmail/guilt trip tactics. He knows while I’m carrying his child he has me trapped.

I honestly feel awful for the decision I’ve come to but I know it’s the right decision. My main priority is my 2 current children. I don’t want them growing up thinking it’s acceptable for men to behave in such a way or to accept this type of behaviour from their partner when they’re older.

He’s a dick.

If anyone ever hears about your termination - you shrug it off, say he’s nuts.

Seriously, anyone hearing it wouldn’t blame you for not having a child in such circumstances anyway. You have two children and he contributes nothing.

Stay strong. Consider counselling about the stress and guilt you are feeling on your termination decision - but your reasons are sound, no two ways about it.

Threaten the nasty bugger right back with the Police for threatening your children’s future well-being. And if his abusive threats get worse then actually tell the Police.

Don’t forget advice from Women’s Aid / Refuge if you need it.

You’ve done the right thing in turfing him out OP. Good for you. I’m sorry you have to go through this

You are making the right decision as far as ending the relationship and with the termination IMO.

I'd tell him to leave you alone or you'll seek legal advice regarding his harassment.

Having a child with this man just ties you to him for life pretty much.

@Sj325 perhaps speak to the police for advice. If he continues maybe a non-molestation order might help? Although I'm not too sure how you'd go about it.

You are doing the right thing OP, don't let him manipulate you. My advice would be to block his email address and change your phone number.

I'd tell him if he continues to harass you, you will contact the police. They take a dim view of this kind of thing.

I think you have to keep reminding yourself that the prospect of being stuck with him is a million times worse than any of the things he’s threatening you with. Even if he creates a shitstorm for you, it will blow over and the people who matter will still be by your side. Compare that with giving in to his manipulation and staying with him indefinitely, I know which I would pick. You’ve come this far, time to stop listening to him and trust yourself, you’re doing the right thing

OP, you are having a termination to protect the well-being of the children you already have. Nearly every woman I know has had a termination at one point or another so I can't see that your reputation will be negatively affected to any great degree. Well done for getting rid of that loser.

Op, if it’s any help,on a recent evening out I don’t know why but termination was discussed, every single one of us (4) had experienced this, sometimes twice and for many different reasons, none of them ‘casual’ . Even my mother confessed to one she had when she was 43 . Sometimes it’s simply not the right time or situation to be dealing with a pregnancy. If blokes got pregnant there would be far less of any ‘stigma’ attached to it I feel

@yetmorecrap

Thank you so much for this. It really has helped.

I received a text this morning from the hospital confirming my appointment on Wednesday and I’ve been agonising over texting my ex to talk about everything to see if we can try again as the guilt I’m feeling today is awful.

After reading your post I’ve decided contacting him isn’t the right thing to do and I will go to the appointment on Wednesday. When there, if I absolutely can’t go through with it I’ll just have to deal with whatever choice I make then.

Thanks xx

I think that’s a really sensible approach Sj, this decision is yours to make for your own reasons and you’re wise to avoid discussion with him which may will cloud your thinking. I haven’t ever had a termination but know I would seriously consider it in your situation, absolutely no judgement here. I hope Wednesday goes as well as it can for you, don’t forget we’re here if you need us

@Hidingtonothing thank you, I appreciate it. His number will remain blocked and I’ve deleted all social media so he is unable to contact me there. I won’t check my emails either as no doubt there will be some abusive email(s) there from him.

I really need to have a clear head for Wednesday.

Thank you all for your advice

There is absolutely no point in contacting him to talk, he only wants to control you, he will say everything you want to hear until his arse is back on the sofa; Indeed if it was he who had to bring up a baby/child alone, he would balk at the idea,
You must absolutely make the best decision for yourself, given your situation as a single parent. He is & always will be a loser.

So this happened today...

I was at work and went to the toilet around 11am to see I had started bleeding. Panicked, went straight to A&E, had blood tests, urine sample and a scan to be told everything was fine and I have a very active and healthy baby. I seen the baby on the monitor.

I am supposed to go for the termination tomorrow but I just can’t go through with it. Not after seeing that today. How can I terminate a healthy baby? I just can’t. But then I think, how can I bring another child into the world as a single parent...what if my mental health suffers and puts my 2 current children at risk. I need to protect them

Everything is so fucked up and I don’t know what to do 😢

Take it easy. My ex (22 years ago) pulled a similar dick move. It was his parting shot before effectively disappearing for the next 9 years.
Said he would tell DD what I was etc...last conversation they had, he asked her if she hated him because he was such a useless fuckwad.
Think about your life and how you want it to be.
Think about the endless grief he will give you.
Don't worry. All these idle threats will be forgotten. He is honestly too idle to remember half of it.
I understand the guilt you are feeling but the critical thing at the moment is your stability. It isn't selfish, its the most sensible thing to do.

I text him when I was at the hospital and he came in while I was in the middle of getting a scan.

We talked a bit in mine afterwards and I got really upset and told him I was still going ahead with the abortion. He got mad and stormed out. I text him saying he just doesn’t understand what I’m going through. He text back and said he wasn’t discussing this by text so I asked him to come back over later when the kids were in bed and talk about the future of the baby. He said he would but after what happened today he’ll be “too fucked” and could I wait a few days. I said it was ok and I would just make the decision on my own. He text back saying I was emotionally blackmailing him and after what happened today, he doesn’t understand why I can’t push the termination back a week.

He just doesn’t get that I don’t have a week to wait. I’m almost 12 weeks as it is.

The danger is now that he will put pressure on you to get back together with him.

My gut instinct is he's playing horrible mind games with you (deliberately). I'd carry on with your termination plans if I were you so you can free yourself from him and have a chance at a decent peaceful life without him.

He's an abuser, try and make your decision yourself if you can. Don't feel forced either way x