I need to walk away for good but guilt is killing me

[Sj325]

Feel as if I’m never away from here asking for relationship advice....

Posted a couple of weeks ago asking for some advice on how much a step parent should be doing as my then partner of 2.5 (now ex) never done a thing with DD’s. This caused many problems during the relationship. He had been in DD’s lives for 2 years, said he loved them dearly and seen them as his own kids (DD’s are NC with biological father as he decided he didn’t want to see them anymore a year and a half ago) the issue I had was, there were never any actions to match the words. He would come in from work, lay about all night in the bedroom watching TV while I done everything in the house (I work full time also) I’d do his washings, cook for him and the kids, clean the house, help kids with homework, take kids to clubs - I’d walk or take the bus as I don’t drive while he’s sitting there with a car but won’t get off his arse to drive us anywhere. He didn’t contribute a penny, would eat all my food, half the time eat what I’d bough in for the kids packed lunches....the list goes on.

A week ago I decided to end the relationship as we were constantly falling out about him not pulling his weight. When we fell out, he’d say he would do more and I would suggest things like he could get the girls from school one day a week to let me work on and make up a bit of time in work (I work flexi time) take my youngest to brownies on a Monday or help them with homework. He always agreed to do these things but then nothing would materialise and he’d continue his lazy, selfish behaviour.

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and have decided to have a termination. I have the appointment on Wednesday. I just cannot bring another child into this world as a single parent and I know if I stay with him I will be forever miserable. I’ve also blocked him from mine and the kids phones. DD’s know about the baby so I was going to tell them I miscarried

But...he’s started sending me emails calling me vindictive, twisted and spiteful and saying how could I live with myself if I get our child “Ripped from my womb” He said he will tell DD’s what I have done in 10 years when they’re old enough to understand. When I was in my early 20’s I had a one night stand behind DD dads back, which I told him about and he’s using that saying because I done it before I must have done it to him so, as after all, a leopard never changes his spots. I never even as much as text another guy while I was with him.

I’m already racked with guilt about having a termination and he’s making it 100x worse. I’m scared he’s going to tell people what I’ve done. I’ve only told 1 friend about the termination and she supports me 100% but I was going to tell other friends/family and work colleagues I miscarried.

Sorry this is long, just looking for some sound advice on what to do about this guy.

He doesn't sound like a man with any intention if looking at what you need. Does he even see you as an individual?
Does he ask how your day was?
Does he ever enquire as to how you feel or offer anything of himself that would mean he is inconvenienced?
He is kicking off because he can bit not because he is ready to make you feel secure or confident he will hold things together with your kids and the house.
Fear of the unknown is better than this flake.
Keep posting.
Stop trying to engage with this man

I'm so sorry this is an awful position for you to be in.

First of all, you've done the toughest bit with him which is to end it. Do NOT go back there no matter what. He is an awful human being, a lazy arsehole who will never change. Never.

With regards to the baby, only you can decide. Don't let his threats control you either way - only you know if you can go through with the termination and be ok mentally. I wouldn't waste any more time trying to discuss it with him, he is never going to be a good husband or father so you need to take him out of the equation completely and figure out what YOU want

@lolaflores

I actually don’t think he does see me as an individual. In all honesty, I don’t know what he sees me as. He doesn’t want to talk but wants me to push the abortion back a week, knowing that the longer I am pregnant, how much harder it will be to terminate the pregnancy.

I feel like he wants to rule my life but not actually be any part of it, if that makes sense. I think he thinks with me having another baby, my life will be over. No other guy will want me having 3 kids with 2 different guys. I’m 37 years old so he probably thinks that by the time the baby is old enough for me to date again, no one will want me.

Am I being mental? My head is honestly all over the place.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice, it is genuinely helping xx

OP, the simple fact is that if you go ahead with this pregnancy you will be tied to him for life. If you have a termination you can have counselling to help come to terms with it and begin to reconcile your head with your heart and know that you did the right thing. You say that the baby is healthy and you can't do it....but the baby was very likely healthy when you made the appointment. That is irrelevant i think, and a bit of a red herring. You need to think about this as practically as you can.

When my 3rd son was 8 weeks old I found out I was pregnant. I was all for going ahead with the pregnancy as I had a termination previously that was pretty bad in terms of guilt. It was my husband that pointed out I suffer terribly with PND, we couldn't afford another child, our house was already over crowded and we couldn't afford a bigger car.... I was supposed to be going back to uni to complete my degree and my eldest son was on the ASD pathway and our life was miserable. I had an abortion, despite badly wanting that baby and I know it was the right thing to do. It was the right for my my ASD son. it was the right thing for me and my circumstances. But it still hurt like hell.

The question is, is you keeping the baby worth this emotionally manipulative cock lodger being in your life forever? He has never raised a hand for your kids and he likely won't with this one. The other two kids will resent it if he does. So if you were to decide to have the baby, be fully prepared to be totally alone to do it. With him dropping in periodically to let a bomb off and then leave uproar in his wake.

Not mental. Just stressed and his the cause of all that stress.
Take some time tonight just shut him out mentally. Get rid of his voice out of your head.
He is chaotic and nasty. Stop communicating with him immediately as he is simply yanking you about.
Don't worry about the future, the here and now needs all your attention. The rest can look after itself, look after you right now.

Please stick with the decision you had already made before the bleeding confused things.
You cannot deal with another child and you should not have to deal with him or have anything to do with him.
If you feel better, tell people the edited truth 'I'm not pregnant any more', adding 'I don't want to talk about it' if any thoughtless, insensitive people want to know more.
There is no way this lazy article will remember to track your DCs down in 10 years to shit-stir. He sounds too idle to wipe his own arse, frankly.
It's a great shame they scanned you when you were just about to terminate.
Don't go back to him, move on, please, OP.

I have blocked his number again. I know I need a clear head to make my decision.

When he came to the hospital earlier, he looked hungover. That’s probably the reason he’d have been “too fucked” to talk later

If he says anything t anybody, they will just think ‘what a twat’. Nobody I know would judge you for this decision.

I completely think you are doing the right thing OP

Block him and keep him blocked. He might try other access routes but try and stay strong for you.
So g Is hangover takes precedence over your future?
Don't waste any more of your time doing this pantomime with him.

My friend is coming over to sit with me later. She hates him so she’ll make sure I don’t contact him. She has also offered to come with me tomorrow

If I were you I'd have the termination. The DF of your DC is out of the picture. Sure, financial support would have been good but at least he's not been in and out of their lives causing hurt. This current guy looks as if he's going to keep on yanking you (and them) around as long as he can be bothered.

If you go ahead with this pregnancy you'll be tied to this user for at least 18 years. Think long and hard about the effects on you, your plans and your existing DC

Don't give a moment's thought to his threats. He's going to tell your DC in ten years? He won't remember their names in ten years.

It sounds like you’re doing the right thing. Well done for getting away from this vile man. I agree with everyone’s advice- ignore and block. He’s obviously sunk as low as possible.

Remember that a termination is nothing to be ashamed of. I have had one and when my daughter is old enough to understand I would tell her if the conversation came up. I know friends who have had them and we’ve discussed it openly. You have the right to choose and he can’t take that away from you.

Good luck OP.

Block him on every social media and email account you have, block ALL contact. Keep records of the nasty messages he has already sent in case you need them to prove harassment at a later date.

You're doing the right thing to get a termination. He won't tell your dds in ten years time and to be honest even if he did I'm sure they would understand.

Don't let him get to you! He's the prick, not you. You're well shot of that utter waste of space.

You might have had a scan now, but your circumstances haven’t changed. Imo you should keep to the termination, you don’t want to be tied to this idiot for life.

You can tell him you cancelled your appointment. Doesn’t mean you have to. Tell him in a couple of weeks time you miscarried.

He is using this pregnancy to try and control you. If you decide to go ahead with it, doesn’t mean you have to get back together with him

All the best with whatever you decide tomorrow.

Honestly I would terminate and cut him from your life. You deserve so much more than to be tied to him forever. However, as others have said, whatever the choice, let it be YOUR choice and don't let him manipulate you one way or another.

I’ve started bleeding again. I know I shouldn’t have but I told him. All I got back was “text me in the morning of it gets worse” when am I going to get it into my thick skull he doesn’t give the slightest shit about me or this baby for that matter.

I don't know what to say except that this was me many years ago, and it's not easy to see the manipulation and emotional abuse when it's happening to you. Your partner had a very cushy deal with you doing everything whilst he took no responsibility for anything. Your current children need you and sometimes the best example we can give them is by our actions, showing a strong loving mum who believes in herself. He won't stay around long if you have the baby in any case, now you are beginning to see him for what he is, you can't go back to that. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

You will be tied to this man forever if you have this baby. I absolutely feel for you but if you have the baby you will be a single parent plus having to deal with him constantly. Sending all my support

Hope you are doing OK@Sj325 . I have been thinking about you on and off all day. Hope you are holding up ok.

Hope you're ok op