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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this sound suspicious?

47 replies

NotAnotherUserName857 · 16/09/2018 16:57

The other day I had a note posted through my door while I was out saying that DP is having an affair. I have tried not to think about it all week but was going to speak with him about it this afternoon. I took DC out early this morning, when I got back and he wasn't in, his phone was off. He's just arrived home now really drunk.

I don't know if I'm thinking in to things too much, I don't know if it's true or if he knows and he's gone out drinking because he knew it was the first time we had together all week or maybe he was with this OW?

Can anyone relate or offer any advice?

OP posts:
Sohardtochooseausername · 16/09/2018 17:03

I’m not entirely sure what you are asking - but if it is is it likely that your husband is having an affair the answer is yes.

I found out my OH was having an affair because of an anonymous tip off. It was horrible and I feel for you Flowers

I think it is suspicious that your OH is avoiding you and drinking heavily. It sounds like he’s not ready to talk about the truth with you.

If I was you I’d refuse to talk to him (apart from necessary civilities in front of your DC) until he will speak to you. You don’t deserve this from him. It sucks.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 17:07

Are you financially stable op? Do you own the house or is it joint mortgage?

I would not confront until you have the full details and have had a chance to get your ducks in a row.
Can you get access to his phone at all?

sophiec123 · 16/09/2018 17:10

It is odd! Did the note not have a number or anything?

Karigan198 · 16/09/2018 17:11

Guess it depends. If someone said this about my DP I’d fall about laughing and we’d have a good old chortle together over the note.

But if your DP has given you reason to be suspicious (out a lot, distant, phone never leaving his side) then I would take it more seriously.

Get your ducks in order, watch him and try to see if there is evidence to support the allegation or not.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 17:16

If you knew he had /was having an affair be a deal breaker for you? Some women decide to stay but obviously there is a risk that the H / DP could leave at any time (when it suits them) so it’s advisable to make a good strong exit plan in case shit hits the fan .

I would gather as much banking details as possible , proof of savings, earnings, pensions for him. Mortgage statement , birth certificates of dc , marriage certificates and passports . Keep them in a safe place where he will not be able to access them / find out you are gathering them. You will need this info if you decide to see s solicitor about a divorce. Some solicitors offer a free consultation, you can start to understand what a divorce would potentially look like for you, it they were to happen.

Sorry to say this but get yourself checked out for std at clinic .

Transfer any of your savings that you have placed into a joint account into your own account . If he asks explain that your parents have asked for a short term loan.

I know it’s difficult but you have to try and stay focused on these tasks to ensure your and your dc’s financial security is looked after.

Sorry you’re going through this op Flowers it’s terrible and I really feel for you xx

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 17:17

Sorry just realised I assumed you were married and you have referred to him as DP and not DH. Apols x

Original poster
NotAnotherUserName857 · 16/09/2018 18:28

I've recently gone back to work full time and between running round after the DC and late nights in work I've not really noticed anything.

I'm not married but have the house with him. He's currently passed out on the sofa but there's a lock on his phone so couldn't access it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAnotherUserName857 · 16/09/2018 18:30

Sorry I was just having a bit of a stress about what to do and trying to frantically tidy and get everything sorted for the week, so unorganised. Not getting much help this evening off him I don't think!! Thanks for your messages x

OP posts:
Pebblesandfriends · 16/09/2018 18:31

Did he know you wanted to chat to him before he went out and got wasted? If so big red flag. If not then don't necessarily read anything into the going out but do make time to talk to him about it soon.

TubeTop · 16/09/2018 18:32

If he's really deeply asleep you could use his fingerprint to unlock his phone.

Karigan198 · 16/09/2018 18:59

innocently ask to use his phone as yours is ‘lost’, no battery etc etc.

Oodilally · 16/09/2018 19:05

So he was out for several hours drinking? With his phone off?
Seems like he made a conscious decision to be unavailable to you, did he know you wanted to talk with him? If so and that's how he reacted then I would say huge red flag, his actions to disappear for the day speaks volumes and I would be very suspicious. I'd be trying all sorts to get into that phone if it was me, if it's a pin number you could try checking the screen for fingerprints and guess the number Wink

Cantbelievethis123 · 16/09/2018 19:09

A guy I know had this happen to him. He was having an affair with a work colleague and someone sent an anonymous letter informing his wife.
In this case it was all true but the wife chose to believe him that it wasn't. What is your gut telling you? Can you speak to the woman in question?

flumpybear · 16/09/2018 19:21

Does he have thumb print access to his phone ... you could try 👀

Original poster
NotAnotherUserName857 · 16/09/2018 20:18

He didn't know I wanted to chat to him but its very out of character for him, something I was used to him doing years ago but I've not seen him this drunk in a long time. It was to the point he couldn't stand up.

He just woke up mumbled something about how I'd spent the morning with my fancy man and the kids and then went to bed. No idea what that was all about.

Don't think I can get on his phone it's just a pin and I'm not sure where to start

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 16/09/2018 20:23

Q

Original poster
NotAnotherUserName857 · 16/09/2018 22:20

Ok the pin was easier than I thought. Feel a bit awful for looking now but what would you take from this message 'Be careful her husband knows you've been talking to her'.

That's it the only message on there.

OP posts:
Okki · 16/09/2018 22:21

Perhaps he had the same note about you = fancy man comment.

surlycurly · 16/09/2018 22:30

That doesn't sound good OP

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 22:34

I think he is projecting , my ex accused me of cheating on him quite a few times when I would never cheat . Needless to say he was cheating on me though x

It sounds to me like a friend is warning him away from the ow . The husband could have found out hence the note x

fairyflapss · 16/09/2018 22:43

I'm about to out someone who cheats on his wife constantly, although I'm not the one who he has been cheating with .... there isn't any smoke without a fire OP is all I want to say Thanks

Skittlesandbeer · 16/09/2018 22:45

A message to him, or from him?

I’d be likely to text back, pretending to be DP. Something like ‘are you sure? How do you know?’.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Oodilally · 16/09/2018 22:48

I'd reply to the message to try and get more info, something is definitely going on, you need answers and it's not going to be easy to get them from your hungover hubby tomorrow.
Whoever sent the txt knows things, try your luck and see what you can uncover.
Really sorry you've had to deal with this today Thanks

Oodilally · 16/09/2018 22:49

And make a note of the number

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 22:51

Yes make a note of the number like what Previous poster said. Maybe look them up on WhatsApp to see by their pic who they are ? X