Can anybody tell me what a normal marriage is like please?

[yorkshireyummymummy]

I feel like I’m drowning.
DH is autistic and extremely difficult.
He is depressed but the help available is zero.
He sees a clinical psychologist once a fortnight for an hour who wheels but it’s not enough and I’m very aware that he only has about 10 sessions left with her.
He struggles to just get through the day- but on the flip side of that so do I.
I don’t feel like I have a ‘husband’ per se. We can’t talk about anything to do with the house/ financial/our relationship as it always ends with him feeling ‘picked on’ ‘ slagged off’ etc and then he causes an argument. He then goes to bed, refuses to eat and generally makes our home a miserable place to be.
Don’t fill the thread with LTB please. That is not an option. I am trapped here as we can’t afford two homes, he can’t look after himself (he is utterly utterly dependent on me) and he would kill himself. Yes, I know it’s the responsibility of the individual but I dont want to carry a heavy load of guilt round for the rest of my life.
What do people do on a weekend - what do you talk about- how do you behave? After 15 years I am so conditioned by this I have forgotten what it’s like to be normal.
I have responsibility for all cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, everything to do with our DD and schooling, families , communication with friends / family, finances, complete house maintenance , diy etc. He looks after his car.
I have a medical condition which currently prevents me from getting a job which he doesn’t like. We have financial pressures and he feels I should be working - despite the fact that some days I cannot drag myself out of bed the pain is so awful.
I have a limited social life- most people want to do stuff as ‘couples’ and he doesn’t like anybody- and that includes me too I think.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I live my days veering from being in tears, euphoric as he’s being ‘ good’ or tip toeing round desperately trying not to trip him off onto a shouty rant.

Tell me what your normal husbands and relationships are like so I can try to see if there’s anything I can do to change things and get some balance in my life.

That sounds truly difficult and I’m exhausted just reading about it.

To answer you question, normality for us is a date night on a Friday night whether that is going out or one of us cooking a nice meal, family day Saturday with our DD and Sunday is usually a lazy day of films, good home cooked food and lots of playing.

Every weekend we have activities with DD that we fit in and 2 weekends a month at least we both go out with our own friends but this usually day time so go to watch sport or go for lunch and cocktails, whilst the other has a daddy/daughter day or a mummy/daughter day - this time has become even more precious since our DD started school.

Op I am so sorry you're living like this.
To be completely honest, there is no "normal" for anybody.
What works for one family/couple may not work for another.

You say it's been 15 years? This is your normal. It's only when you look at other people's relationships that you start to question your own.

Firstly- what would you like your "normal" to look like?

Secondly, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, regardless of your dh's needs.
You yourself have needs and I'm sure your dd has noticed you aren't happy?

My ds has autism but it doesn't affect our life to any major extend. I have fibromyalgia so can totally sympathise with your pain issues. You have to start looking after yourself love, you are doing far too much.

Here's my "normal"- dp and I haven't slept in the same bed for around 6 months, he is going through depression after losing his dad very tragically and prefers to sit up watching films and then falls asleep. I am very aware that this isn't most people's normal. We don't do very much together as a couple but he helps out around the house and is a very hands on dad. I also suspect he has Aspergers as he struggles a lot.

I hope you are ok

Sorry, that’s a normal weekend for us.

Throughout the week is work, school, homework, cooking cleaning, after school activities but all a definite 50/50 shares load where possible - we both have jobs where we can be working away, especially my DH, who, for example, is away Mon- Thurs this week so he’s currently having a daddy/daughter day while I relax. And when he comes home he will more than make up for that time away.

I'm not sure if people telling you what is normal will help; you are in an abusive relationship so what you need to do is to not be in that situation, and certainly not staying because someone else will kill themselves; that is no way to live.

This is awful for you. I'm not sure why you feel he is your responsibility - is their love at all? It is doing no-one any good that you do everything and he only looks after his car. Does he work? IF he was your autistic, depressed CHILD it would possibly be different but even then I would be making great strides to build up his independence AND ensuring that you get at least a little life for yourself.

For example - do you realise you are a carer? Get a carer's assessment if you are Uk. Speak to your doctor. Talk to any support services and charities you can find - each one of them may provide something even if only a listening ear.
Stop doing everything.
If he goes to bed and refuses to eat that's his choice. I would suspect he is doing it for effect as well as because he is hurting.
If you give him a list e.g. to buy milk and coffee from a local shop, would he do it? If he won't then go without for a few days, ignore the sulks. If he just can't then he is clinically depressed and again you need to go back to your doctor.
Ultimately my sweetheart, if he did kill himself, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Sorry, why can't he look after himself? What did he do before you married?

offside - oh, that sounds just glorious. God, I would kill for a weekend like that. ‘.Date night’ - imagine that. Do you get dressed up if it’s at home? Does your DD eat with you? Does your husband cook for you ( my DH has lost the ability to cook sadly)
What does a ‘ family day’on Saturday entail? We can’t have them as DH doesn’t like going to new places/places where people are/ everything is much too stressful. I take DD out and we have said we are going to do a list of places we want to go this autumn. But it’s never as a family sadly ☹️

Zoflorabore I would like Fridays to be a nice meal and ‘ games night’ . We have tried but DH gets frustrated and if anybody says the wrong thing.....well, it’s just not worth it. But I would like that. I would LOVE to have a meal cooked for me occasionally. Just to not have to think for once about ‘ what to have for dinner’ ......... Sunday’s are sometimes good- I always roast from September to April so we have a Sunday lunch every week. But today is a write off. I had a sleep in - my pain and medication often prevents sleep and I was well down on sleep. I get up every day @ 7am with Dd for school so I slept until 11 this morning. I got up and changed the bed, came down and DH is sat with a face on as he is hungry and has been waiting for me to get up. I start to make him a bacon sandwich. I mention a maintenance job that needed doing since May. It needed a couple of rain free days to do it. It hasn’t been done ( driest summer ever too!!) and I mentioned how i was disappointed it hadn’t been done. Cue argument and DH has gone to bed upset. Another Sunday ruined . Oh, and its ALWAYS my fault too! What joy.......

Twillow yes, there is love amazingly. I’m constantly astounded at the resilience of the human soul and it’s capacity for love. Yes, he works in a menial ( his words) job three days a week. It’s very physical and he is constantly shattered by it.
No point giving him a shopping list - he can’t do it. He can’t go into a shop on his own and buy things. In fact, i couldn’t tell you the last time he was in a shop......maybe last December when DD gets him to take her to boots to buy me a Christmas present .

category 12. He has Asperger, social phobia, agoraphobia , depression, severe anxiety, OCD of germs.........
He never (or very very rarely) left the house before he married me. His parents / friends would shop for him. The internet’s inception and Internet shopping meant he could buy what he needed online. He used to go to Sainsbury’s once a fortnight to buy food. He would go when it had just opened so it would be quiet, he had to park in one of three spaces and he would collapse in a sweaty anxious heap when he got home. He has told me he didn’t have a life - he simply existed. I have tried desperately to give him a normal life. Sometimes he is better than others. He lost his dad earlier this year in awful circumstances and we can’t get any grief counselling for him so his depression is just gett8mg worse and worse.

How did you even meet?

I don't know, OP, you're his carer - are you getting any support/are you eligible for any? What would happen if you had a breakdown, would social services step in? Are they involved?

What effect is all this having on your dd? It sounds like it all revolves around him, but what about her?

There is no normal.

You are not reaponsible for every aspect of his life.

What is life like for your daughter? Is it good enough?

Focus on what you can change for your dd.

We met through mutual friends.
Yes, it has occurred to me that I must be his carer. I am currently trying to get him PIP which is an effing nightmare. It almost seems like it’s designed to make people give up trying!

I don’t have any support. I’m very careful with what I tell friends as people are very quick to judge and people simply don’t understand. My mother does not understand and is not much help. She just goes on holiday many times a year. She’s very very judgemental so I tell her very very little.

Yes, DD Is affected by what goes on, I can’t prevent that. She too looks like she is autistic ( we are halfway down the path towards diagnosis) and frequently has meltdowns which involve a LOT of screaming, shouting and hitting me. God. My life really is shit isn’t it.

I have responsibility for all cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, everything to do with our DD and schooling, families , communication with friends / family, finances, complete house maintenance , diy etc.

That seems like a lot ... surely there's something he could do. Ironing even?

Could you speak to a member of his family? Reach out & tell them just how difficult this is?

Has it all gotten worse with time?

OP, you are wonderful, I have no doubt about it. But you are ruining your life. Please ignore my comment, but I am going to say exactly what I think. You have YOURSELF and a DD to care for. I understand he's ill, but this is not really your fault is it? It may sound selfish, but your life goes by tiptoeing around this man.

What's his relationship with DD? I can't image he's not affecting her. Does he have any family? There has to be an option for you to leave and just live your life.

I cannot see any positive things you and your DD get out of this situation.

No love, compassion, support, happy memories, help around the house, fun..... or any of the nice bits of family life.

You need to split and make a happy life for yourselves. Your DH will have to get support elsewhere.

What did you see in him to choose to marry him?

Did you marry him thinking you could make his life better, sort of White Knight complex going on?

There's no reason he shouldn't do things around the house and parent your dd. Have you ever thought you might be enabling him rather than helping him?

I have a friend in a similar situation. She cannot leave for financial reasons (they have large debts) and I worry about her a lot. Her life is hard and she feels like a single parent.
I honestly would leave, OP. Your life will not suddenly improve. This is it.

I don't see any point in you staying with him
I know you said you don't want to hear ltb but it's the only advice I can give you

There isn't really any type of normal relationship. Dp and I have been together 19-20yrs now. We both work FT. I get home 1.5 hrs earlier than him as he has a slightly longer commute. Mon-Fri I get home, cook dinner, was the plates, make Ds lunchbox for the next day, put a load of washing on, iron the uniform ect.........Dp tends to come in, pour a glass of wine, eat his dinner and go to bed!

He is useless with housework in the week. I have to ask several times for a hand. I did however throw my dummie out of the pram last week and I think I made him feel ashamed when I got upset pointing out I am burning the candle and both ends and am thinking it would be easier to be on my own as I do the lions share.

This weekend he has cleaned, washed, sorted the garden, tip runs ect...with no prompting nothing to do with the bollocking he got mid week i'm sure For him though, his lack of pulling his weight isn't what I would call malicious, he will often tell me to give myself a break, relax, read a book. Unfortunately I can't switch of if I know I have a list of things to do.

We do make a point a couple of times a week, normally Friday nights we will sit in the conservatory with wine and music, talking shit, planning holidays or events, talking about our Dc's. At some point he goes and gets me a Chinese. He'll play the piano a bit drunk. I'll drunkenly sing. We are both really interested in Science, so normally a debate happens where he thinks he is right, but I know I am

What you are describing though OP, sounds like you are his caregiver, rather than partner. If leaving him really is not an option, you MUST facilitate time for yourself away from him. It's not healthy that he is so reliant on you-you are a person to. Who's looking after you?

monoaware
His relationship with our daughter is good. They love each other very much . She is closer to me but I think that’s natural. She would like a more ‘normal’ daddy but on the odd times he can do something with her she is delighted.
Yes, he does have family - 300 miles away though ! They are not much use to him if I’m honest and he struggles to maintain relationships with them.

category12 he wasn’t this bad when I met him. He has got much worse as the years have gone by. He wasn’t diagnosed autistic until a couple of years ago. Somebody told me that when adults get an autistic diagnosis they often become worse - and boy, he has. This might sound awful but it’s how I see it and my opinion- since he got his diagnosis he has almost embraced it ( I understand that- it meant things finally made sense and he wasn’t just ‘difficult’ or ‘ being arkward’ like his family had told him he was all of his life) and he has thrown himself into being autistic if that makes sense!

We fell in love - he liked the same things I did, I had partied hard for a decade and wanted to settle down, he made me laugh, he was ( and is) gentle, we just rubbed along nicely. I never imagined myself rescuing him- I wanted someone to look after me!

I’m trying to answer all questions - excuse me if I miss one. I’m ironing, cooking Sunday dinner, making a brownie and I’m going to start the sloe gin today too!

Hmmmmm

So your marriage isn't at all what you signed up for.

I think he's not as helpless as he is coming across. My father and brother have autism so I have an understanding of it. He's more than 'autistic'. A lot of what he is doing/bit doing are his choices as a person too.

I think it'd be good to communicate clearly and comprehensively exactly what you do & how you feel . You have quite literally nothing to lose.

not doing

It does sound like you're enabling him and he keeps you in line by making life a misery if you challenge his behaviour. It's not good for any of you.

My partner is also autistic (HFA, formerly Asperger's) has a diagnosis of agoraphobia, and anxiety, has OCD and I am most definitely his carer.
However he is also the most loving caring guy in the world.
He doesn't cook per se, but he makes my lunches for work (panics over stove but will prepare cold food).
He shows interest in my day (I work part time due to caring for him and dd) and lets me talk out any stressful situations with him.
He is awkward in public, has few close friends and can't be in groups of people he doesn't know, but makes an effort to get to know people one on one to enable us to go out with groups of people in the future.

In short he knows he has issues and tries to fix them in ways that he can accept.

I think the problem here is that your partner has got himself into a future if things he feels he can do. And so is not willing to branch out of that.

And that's not a life.

But he has to be willing to at least try. It's not going to be easy on either of you (there's been countless occasions where our plans have been cancelled or cut short because of something unexpected, but the effort was at least there)

If he's not, then I would say that it's no life for you or your child, especially if they're on the spectrum, as in my experience two autistic people can set each other off if they aren't willing (or in child's case able to understand) that what's right for them isn't right for the other.

I totally feel for you op. And I hope you find a way of resolving this with him 💐💐

I came on here to tell you what out life is like, but I don't think there is any point. Your life is so far removed from anything I've experienced.

No real advice, but sending a big (((hug)))