Can anybody tell me what a normal marriage is like please?

[yorkshireyummymummy]

I feel like I’m drowning.
DH is autistic and extremely difficult.
He is depressed but the help available is zero.
He sees a clinical psychologist once a fortnight for an hour who wheels but it’s not enough and I’m very aware that he only has about 10 sessions left with her.
He struggles to just get through the day- but on the flip side of that so do I.
I don’t feel like I have a ‘husband’ per se. We can’t talk about anything to do with the house/ financial/our relationship as it always ends with him feeling ‘picked on’ ‘ slagged off’ etc and then he causes an argument. He then goes to bed, refuses to eat and generally makes our home a miserable place to be.
Don’t fill the thread with LTB please. That is not an option. I am trapped here as we can’t afford two homes, he can’t look after himself (he is utterly utterly dependent on me) and he would kill himself. Yes, I know it’s the responsibility of the individual but I dont want to carry a heavy load of guilt round for the rest of my life.
What do people do on a weekend - what do you talk about- how do you behave? After 15 years I am so conditioned by this I have forgotten what it’s like to be normal.
I have responsibility for all cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, everything to do with our DD and schooling, families , communication with friends / family, finances, complete house maintenance , diy etc. He looks after his car.
I have a medical condition which currently prevents me from getting a job which he doesn’t like. We have financial pressures and he feels I should be working - despite the fact that some days I cannot drag myself out of bed the pain is so awful.
I have a limited social life- most people want to do stuff as ‘couples’ and he doesn’t like anybody- and that includes me too I think.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I live my days veering from being in tears, euphoric as he’s being ‘ good’ or tip toeing round desperately trying not to trip him off onto a shouty rant.

Tell me what your normal husbands and relationships are like so I can try to see if there’s anything I can do to change things and get some balance in my life.

Sorry op but it's really likely he's got more helpless over time because he has you to do everything for him.

If he can work, then he can do tasks at home. He's not doing them because he knows that if he strops hard enough, you'll do it all. And he's right.

You need counselling.

With the absolute best will in the world, because you sound like the loveliest caring person, it does sound like you have fallen into a pattern of enabling a lot of this. He can't go to the shops ok, but he does know how to do internet shopping! Give him the responsibility for that. He sat there in a sulk waiting for you to make him breakfast?? Tell him next time you are having a lie-in tomorrow and he should call you when the bacon sandwiches are ready and you will get up then.
Honestly, both of you are creating awful role models for your daughter - I'm a little shocked to hear you have a child together.

Does he see a psychiatrist? Is he on meds?

It's really complex but it is possible to break this cycle of co-dependence. Can you clearly identify what he is capable of and begin telling him what you expect from him? Online food shopping? An outing once every few weeks?

I agree with you that for some PWA, the diagnosis is such a relief that it then gives them permission to opt out of adult life and being a decent partner. He needs to come back from that as it's no life for you.

Being a carer doesn't mean you have to be abused. The threat of suicide is horrific and he is very dependent on you as his carer BUT he needs to realise that ASD is not an excuse to be an abusive arse. There's a world of difference between someone with ASD having a bad day and being really autistic and someone with ASD who has entered into a situation where they are abusive and using the ASD as a reason.

Could you look up codependency and co dependents anonymous?

All relationships are co dependent by nature but this one is just one sided dependence. He has you doing everything because he can and strops to throw you off and make you feel guilty so nothing changes

Are there any support groups for bereavement in your area? Or for carers - for you?

The dynamic between you has to shift because you sound like you're on the way to a nervous breakdown. When's the last time you had a day to yourself? Got a hair do? Could sit down with a cup of tea and the newspaper?

I agree with people who say that if he can work, he can do small tasks. They don't have to be window washing and ironing great big loads of clothes. If he can do things at his job, he can do relatively mindless things around the house that will take some pressure off you

It sounds very much like he runs the show. He has everything as he wants it - you to take care of him totally, no childcare, some work to support you all, can opt out of everything if it feels too hard

The life people described in this thread is not special and exotic. But it is entirely possible - probably with a different partner. I urge you to try and make changes - he will hate and resist them and make things difficult - and if you can't, for your sake and DDs, you have to leave. You don't want to die young of a heart attack from stress and worry. Then DD will be up shit creek

Co-dependent no more is an amazing book, helped me no end with a child who had mental health issues and I was over-mothering. It also helped me understand a lot of my own behaviour and responses when I had been in an abusive marriage. Turns out you can be too kind!

I think the diagnosis has given him a free pass to behave like this. And your DDmay be learning autistic trait and behaviours.

You are too nice, and you are making things too easy for him. You will need to tell him that things are going to go your way a bit more. And then mean it.

I'm the parent of an autistic child/young adult. DD is now behaving as if she has a free pass to do what she likes since diagnosis.
I now suspect my DH is on the spectrum. My life is shit, mainly due to DD but DH doesn't help matters at all
I didn't know any of this when we got married. Can I ask, why did you marry him?