How can we stop our sons growing up to be like our husbands ?

[jasper]

Okay, so that's a tad cruel,and I am exaggerating for effect but I am sure you all know what I mean.
I have just read the thread on mens irritating little habits and don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is there any hope for the next generation or are men genetically programmed to be a bit useless?

To be honest Sobernow all this business of doing your own washing seems a bit childish and inefficient to me. We have a system in our household that I dump a suitable load of washing on the bathroom floor (ie its colour sorted etc)and then whoever is going downstairs empty handed (one or other of us is frequently carrying DS) will load it into the machine and set it going which is two minutes of a job anyway.

I agree Bozza, do people really only do their own washing and not their dp's/dh's?

And what happens if they come to load the machine and its half way through a cycle of DH's clothes...

and what about him mixing his colourful stuff with my whites by mistake! oh the worry!

Well, I brought my dh tea in bed this morning - but only because I'd had a whiff of dd's nappy as she was starting to stir and decided that making the tea was the soft option.

I probably don't deserve him.

I so want my son to be like his father who is a wonderful role model.

As for the idea of doing seperate laundry; I find this bizarre... do couples eat alone too? Practicalities and personalities cause us to share the load 100% and this means quite simply that there are things that each of us do that the other does not simply because it makes life easier. As for a cup of tea in bed in the morning... it works both ways but somehow I always feel that with a toddler in the house anyone getting a cup of tea in bed is having an absolute treat to be wallowed in....

I agree with you Winnie - if my son grows up to be like his father then I will be a very happy mum. Dh may have his faults, but above all he is a grown up (unlike so many men I know) and can be relied upon in a crisis.

I'm sorry, but I have to say, having talked to alot of my friends, I think those of you that have men who do any housework at all should consider yourselves very lucky indeed!

Before I get flamed out of existence, I would like to add .. how old are your men? If they are under 30, then yes I would expect to see some help around the house - but anyone who has a husband over 40 will not usually get help at all. And if they do, it's under sufferance.

And the other thing is that - how old are your children? If you can come downstairs carrying your child and sort the washing I'd say - yes, I did that too when they were little and I only had one child to deal with - but try that with teenager instead of toddler and you'll get a very different scenario. Someone should bottle eau de 'teenage boy bedroom' and give it to people who want more children, it's a wonderful contraceptive!

If I put all the clothes (NB: 4 adults, not one piffling load of toddler gear) on the washroom floor and waited for someone to sort it and then put it in the machine, we would be carrying on this conversation on great grand daughter of mumsnet!

I work outside the home full-time, I have 2 teenage children and a husband who has an office at home - he is 45 this year and it is actually easier to do these jobs myself than face the martyrdom of st husband every time we have to fill the washing machine or hoover.

I agree, this is not ideal, and it is in my gift to alter things - but my point is, if it really irritates me - fair fat and 40 something, eyes wide open - how do you think it must make other women feel who don't have your happy, rose tinted situation?

My dh is 43 and does his fair share around the house. In fact, he complains because he perceives that he does more of the "tidying" - he is the more naturally tidy/organised of the two of us. He tends to do most of the hoovering - mostly on a Wednesday when I am out at a Pilates class. He'll also sweep/mop the kitchen floor when it gets particularly grubby (which is only when I'd do it too!). I do most of the washing - but he does on occasion put washings on himself.

Although I tend to do the ironing (for which I get thanked!), he will iron shirts for himself if I haven't got round to it - and ask if there is anything I want ironed while he has the board up.

He also gets ds up in the morning on work days, brings him through to bed for our 3 way snuggle while ds has his morning bottle and then changes his nappy and dresses him while I have a few more minutes under the duvet. I know I'm very lucky!

He does have his faults though - it's not all a bed of roses!

I also couldn't be happier if my son grew up to be like his father. Also hate the idea of separate washing etc - brings back memeories of grim student households.

I do all the inside domestic chores at home and work as well but as my husband works much longer hours this is what is necessary in order to ensure we get maximum "quality time" together as a family. I just couldn't bear it if we couldn't go out to the park as a family on a Saturday because he had a pile of washing / ironing to do!.

Of course what makes the difference is that he is always grateful for every meal and every ironed shirt etc. If he wasn't grateful then I would no doubt find it unbearable.

Kia I wasn't meaning unsorted washing in a heap. I sort out one load and expect that if I am carrying DS downstairs he will carry the washing when he goes. Because DS is a very heavy 17 mo who cannot manage the stairs but will cry if I leave him at the top/bottom.

Having said that DS was sick in the middle of the night but (for the first time this week) slept through. So when alerted to this (by the smell) this morning it was me who stripped DS and put him in the shower. Then when he was all clean DH took over drying him etc while I went and stripped/cleaned the cot, cleaned the floor loaded the washing machine etc. DHs excuse - he would be sick. I was retching a bit myself but thats different.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there - being grateful. I'm training my son - and daughter - to be appreciative of the work that someone else does to make their lives pleasant. I think what infuriates me more than anything is how I have to be overwhelmed with gratitude because someone managed to load the dishwasher or push the hoover round a room for 10 minutes, and yet the reverse is not true for anything I do.

Dont get me wrong, dh doesn't wear a flat cap and braces and dole out money for me housekeeping of a weekend before going out with the lads!!

But sometimes a simple thankyou would be wonderful!

yes, Kia, I laugh secretly when I hear myself saying to my son 'thank you for picking that T shirt off the floor' still, if that's what it takes to get things moving then so be it.

What I hate is that both dh and my son tend to pick and choose what chores, cooking and housework they do. Dh does an OK amount, but as and when he wants to. He's got it down to a fine art. He always does just enough to make it difficult for me to complain.

Ds is trying to follow suit. I say to ds that every time he throws something on the floor, someone, ie me, will have to pick it up and put it away. The lesson that he must start putting things back where they belong is proving a hard one for him to learn. When dh is around, however, ds is suddenly far more tidy! I can so easily see ds confusing me mothering him with me slaving for him. I fear we are embarking on an ongoing battle. Dreading the piles of teenage clothing to wash and the room full of 'eau de teenage son'

Going back to the picking and choosing - in some things my ds is a star. He insists on running all my shopping errands to the local small supermarket. I only have to whistle and he is at the ready with his bike, rarely forgets anything on the shopping list, has a great eye for a bargain and often comes back with something we need that I hadn't put down. He knows the contents of our food cupboards better than I do. If only he was as conscientious about dropping his dirty washing into the laundry bin and taking his plates back to the kitchen after a meal.

I think the over-40 hypothesis is rubbish!! My dh is 57 and does plenty.

Ah, but he didn't have my MIL!

Who STILL picks up after DH as if he were a child. Who doesn't see the difference in my house where I am out at work all day and some nights; with a large dog and 3 other adults living there, and hers with one 75 year old lady living alone with nothing to do all day but clean and polish in case the domestic police pop in for a raid!

I think you are very, very lucky. My DH is wonderful in many other ways and I forgive him much, just as he forgives me much. However, the whole issue of 50-50 in the area of housework is to him as mystifying a subject as if I were to tell him I sprout wings on wednesdays and wish to be called Bootilishus! How can I complain about washing and ironing when I come home from work tonight and find he's managed to boil 3 eggs all by himself, so I can make him sandwhiches to go on the boat with tommorrow morning!! All together now - ahhhhh! Yes, I do need to get out more!

I have a friend who is 30 - his parents collect his washing for him every week. He cannot cook - once ate underdone waffles because he did it EXACTLY as the instructions told him to, never mind that they looked so pale! Thought you could light a gas cooker by clicking your fingers at it (ok, that was a sick joke played on him, but he fell for it!), doesn't know how to use an iron, his mother does all his packing for him if he goes away, his parents do his food shopping for him, and until he left home his mother was still putting milk on his cornflakes!!! He is still single - any offers!!!!

I live in a rural area and one of the farmers I know had never so much as boiled the kettle himself until his wife had a heart attack (surprise surprise) and had to go in to hospital for some months after a major op. He was simply stunned that all this work had been going on around him and he never realised. She had to be ordered by her doctors not to begin waiting on him hand and foot again, when she got out of hospital or she'd die. To his credit, he seems to have woken up and knuckled down, but it's a pity that it took a major health warning for him to realise.

My MIL and I have hardly spoken since Christmas because I asked her not to tidy up in my house and run round after DH like a blue arsed fly all the time. She really really resents this, and thinks that because I refuse to do the handmaiden bit, that there is somehow something wrong with me!! Fortunately, this is water off a ducks back to me, but I know there are versions of MIL all over the world frightening DILs every day. And I have peace in my house, which is what I want!

Oh, she'd iron his underpants if only I'd let her, and it gives me great pleasure to deny her the opportunity! Wonder what she'd do if I gave them to her BEFORE washing? Perhaps that's the answer!

this is a fabulous thread and surprise surprise as cilla would say im gonna have a rant. now most of you will have guessed, am not into politically coorect rubbish, i say what i mean, this is exactly how i am at home. hubby does a lot of the housework but i swear down, he still asks me if a red shirt goes with a white one! honestly 15 bloody years later! .... still we have had many mishaps , still he does the washing. i used to do the good housewife bit, ironed all his office shirts, cooked the tea, kept son happy and healthy and did mum stuff and i shit you not.. he came home from work one day and told me ( told me!) he wanted the corners of his bread buttering when i did his packed lunch!!! now your thinking i told him where to get off, but i didnt i did it like a nice little wifey, but after a birth i wont describe to you and being treated less than dog muck ... i had a mini breakdown and chucked him out for three months, when he came back things changed , i laid some rules and kept to them..... my favourite phrase when he asks me to sew a button on something is " why did you have an accident at work today and are suddenly paralysed in one hand?" i use that for washing, ironing every thing, so her turns his hand to everything except sewing.. which i will not do i refuse! so he saves it for his mother, if she is mug enough to do it let her im not bothered!
but still he is a b*stard! today ( as mentioned on another thread .. am fuming) he bought himself beer, its friday night we have beer. wheres my beer? he said he thought to save a bit of money we would share the lager he bought ( carling black bloody lable????? give me strength)
then earlier this week i did a 5 hour drive back from oldham with both our relatives in the car to find the lawn hadnt been mowed the bathroom and toilet hadnt been cleaned and the stairs hadnt been mopped! so i did it ... i dont usually do it but i did it and shouted in front of his relatives how unfair he was, that he and i have the same type of job, work the same hours and that he was out of order, he said..grabbing hold of the mop " ill do it let me do it" i fumed " dont you dare insult me by doing it now" at the top of my voice . and like an idiot did the lot! i wont do it again.... hemusta bin laffin inside watching me mow a lawn that had grown to 3 foot and took an hour !!

sorry me again ... the thing about the beer is the thought. he didnt even think to get me some! its the thoughtlessness that drives me to tears sometimes! the five hour drive and then i did the lot because he didnt think enough of me to do it! that the point of all the stuff in the last posting!
sorry!

Bad week then was it? Well I came down this morning to find the sink full of pots and pans that he had used whilst making himself some supper. He thinks it is acceptable to leave it to me because I 'don't work' therefore I have more time to do it. And I totally sympathise with the beer thing, sometimes you'd think that was their life wouldn't you? When I was pregnant he thought he was doing me a favour my staying in on Friday night and getting p*ed instead of going out with his mates, which he now only did on Saturdays. He would get a bottle of wine for our tea, I would have one glass and he would then drink the rest in front of me - same if we went out for a meal. I don't know why I put up with it all then, I just couldn't be bothered arguing with him, I had more things on my mind. Now he is soo stingy with everything! We get a bottle of wine and he measures the amount in the glasses so that we each have EXACTLY the same amount - how petty is that?! But I've stopped him as we only have 2 wine glasses left and they are both different shapes, so he has no idea how much goes in which glass! This winds him up no end!

Custdie - I'm still waiting for someone to put cling film round the toilet bowl, maybe you'll do me proud! In fact, I might set up another thread - how to get your own back on your partner!

My dh and I share the housework and childcare pretty equally - we both work, and it's our house and our children, so we share the load.

However, what REALLY REALLY annoys me is that my mother thinks he's so wonderful and is forever telling me how lucky I am to have him because he helps around the house and with the children. And this from an intelligent woman who ran her own business and was top of her field for years.

lol Azzie.... that rings a bell, my mum thinks he is wonderfull and his mum thinks he is wonderful too! i want to be wonderful!

Custardo eats avocado with bravado. She works hardo, looks like Bardot, ain't no lardo.
And she is wonderful.

marry me scummy!? thanks!