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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband shouting at DS!

48 replies

Kukumbr · 15/09/2018 22:01

Our DS is 3. I can honestly say he’s the most well behaved, loving little soul. Hardly ever a tantrum, listens to what he’s being asked to do, he’s clever and thoughtful. We are very lucky that we have such an easy going kid, I don’t take it for granted. He sometimes has his tantrums but on the whole I feel like it’s very rare.

The only time he tends to have his tantrums is when both me and his dad are around. These often manifest as him saying he doesn’t like daddy and hitting him. I have noticed a pattern and I’m not sure what to do. Ds does normal 3 year old things, and dh seems completely intolerant of them. For example, dh really shouted at DS a few nights ago during dinner because between bites, ds got up and had a little dance to the music that was on, and then sat back down, a couple of times. Personally, I found this adorable and to me it showed me he was happy and it was harmless. I was happy to let him have his little dance, because he was sitting back down and carrying on with his dinner. Dh just didn’t like him getting up and shouted at him. I tried to tell dh to stop shouting at him but he rolls his eyes and patronises me and says I shouldn’t interfere.

Dh was working today and I had spent the day with ds visiting various family and he’s been stunningly well behaved. Tonight we had a lovely evening with family and ds was extremely well behaved the whole time. We got home and ds was a little tired but I took the time to tell him he’d been a very good boy and I’d had a lovely day with him. We had our little chat then he wandered off to play with a toy. He was trying to get his daddy to play with him with it, and hit him with the toy, trying to make his dad laugh and play. Instead dh shouted ‘DONT YOU EVER HIT ME AGAIN’. And then I’m not sure what happened, but ds ended up screaming and crying having walked backwards into something and hitting his head. He was fine and it was only a small knock but once again I tried to stick up for him and said to dh that there’s no need to scream and shout at ds, just asking him not to hit you would suffice, however got rebuffed with patronising shit and told to not get involved.

To be honest I’m really angry and upset for my poor well behaved ds who doesn’t deserve to be shouted at. Sorry this was long, but I could use some inspiration on how to deal with this. Telling dh not to shout lends itself to the condescending attitude towards me, which gets me even more angry.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 15/09/2018 22:16

he sounds awful has he always been like this

Original poster

Kukumbr · 15/09/2018 22:24

Just since ds came along really

OP posts:

bluetrampolines · 15/09/2018 22:27

You have to leave your h. It happened to me too. I am so sorry. It is awful.

pasanda · 15/09/2018 22:28

For your son's sake, you should leave. It will only get worse and it will ruin that poor little boy.

yellowspottedwellies · 15/09/2018 22:32

Why do people resort to "leave" straight away?

Op - have you sat down and asked your OH if he is feeling pushed out? His feelings could be manifesting in the form of anger towards your child.

Is the marriage happy aside for this?

Dragongirl10 · 15/09/2018 22:41

Op you need to talk firmly to your DH when DS is not around.

Tell him he has to learn to speak nicely to Ds not shout, tell him to just speak to him as though he would to anyone else.

Be very adamant as he sound rather bullying. Give him example of what to say and do in different scenarios, maybe he doesn't know how to parent.

Really persist in this for a while, if it doesn't improve you really do need to think carefully about how this will go long term.

Littlelilylily · 15/09/2018 22:41

Too many people are quick to say 'leave'. You are a family and this is your marriage. Cant believe some people's first response to hearing of family issues is 'leave him!'

What about ask him about it? Ask him why he's snapping? Try and see if there are any other issues within the relationship/home that need addressing. You may be able to work it out but you have to give yourselves the chance to.

If he then responds badly and doesn't try to fix his snappiness then by all means, think about the long term

Original poster

Kukumbr · 15/09/2018 22:48

When I attempt to talk to him about it he’s quick to dismiss me as over reacting/calling him a bad parent/getting involved but I should be involved because he’s my son too!

I’ve asked him about feeling pushed out/jealousy etc and he thinks I’m ridiculous

OP posts:

Littlelilylily · 15/09/2018 22:50

In that case OP, I'd tell him straight that his behaviour is really causing disharmony in the home and that it's not healthy for any of you. Tell him you can either sort it out or go separate ways

EricTheGuineaPig · 15/09/2018 22:56

What was his childhood like? Where is he getting the idea that this is how you interact with small children? He is either completely clueless or has some kind of anger issue. Would he be receptive to a parenting course? I'm guessing not if he won't even disuss this with you...

BlueEyedBengal · 15/09/2018 23:30

Don't leave your son alone with this man,that short fuse can not be trusted. I would consider leaving. children should have a calm and safe environment and if he shouts at the slightest thing he does I would be putting the well-being of my child first and showing the door out.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 15/09/2018 23:50

He sounds nasty and vile. And a bully. Give him an ultimatum. He stops being a nasty cunt to your child NOW or you will LTB.

pallasathena · 16/09/2018 07:45

He's very likely feeling that he's no longer the central focus in your life. Your little boy is quite rightly the centre of your universe but if that space was previously occupied by your husband....he's probably 'acting out' his feelings of inferiority.
Best way to handle it is to find something to praise him for, something to help him feel wanted, needed, important to you. Make time for him through regular date nights interacting as a couple rather than as parents. And tell him you love him. Tell him he's important to you.
One final point though....
You and DH are not on the same page regarding parenting are you? He wants the child to sit nicely at the table, you don't mind him interrupting the meal by getting down and dancing. When you undermine the other parent you are both confusing the child and sending disrespectful signals to your partner.
Your little one is at the age where socialisation, manners, expectations of behaviour have to be understood and regularly reinforced.
Get together and discuss your differing parenting styles. Work out the areas of disagreement and conflict. Agree to work together so that your little boy has the security of knowing exactly what is ok and what is not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2018 07:57

I was also wondering what your H's childhood was like as well; was he also shouted at similarly by his dad?. His disproportionate reactions and the fact that you are yourself shouted down when you try to talk to him makes me think that its his way or no way as far as he is concerned. He is not something to be handled with kid gloves or date nights. He is an adult here and if he feels "inferior" that is his sole issue to deal with and not for him to take that out on either you or his child.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 16/09/2018 08:03

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/09/2018 08:12

Firstly, I agree with your husband @Kukumbr about the dancing during dinner. I have never allowed that sort of behaviour at the table.

BUT his approach was all wrong, same with the other incident.

He doesn't need to shout loudly, he needs to learn to speak to him in different tones rather than volumes.

Has he spent much time with DA or have you always been the main carer?

I will say that you do sound a bit soft when it comes to you DS. Have you helped the situation by explains to him why hitting daddy is wrong?

It sounds like you both need to parent as one unit.

Original poster

Kukumbr · 16/09/2018 08:28

We don’t eat at a formal dinner table to be honest- ds sits at a small table and we tend to have dinner on our lap in front of the tv (I know, I know!) and for that reason if he stands up to shake his bum and then sits back down and carries on, I don’t mind. I make it abundantly clear when ds forgets himself and hits, that hitting is completely unacceptable. However I don’t raise my voice, I explain to him firmly and most of the time he says sorry and that he won’t do it again. But of course, he is 3, and often does do it again! I don’t think he intended to his dh last night, from what I could tell, he was trying to get him to play and wasn’t trying to be naughty. Ds responds better to being explained to in a calm but firm way. Shouting makes him upset and then you’ve lost your chance to get through to him because a full tantrum starts.

Dh reports that his childhood was full of his parents shouting at each other and even a few episodes of physicality from his father towards him - seemingly for minor offences eg getting out of the bed in the night. He said he had learnt from that not to be the same but he does have a very short temper and he treats me as an inferior most of the time. He’s the main bread winner and I’m not long back at work after being sahp for a while, therefore I’m main carer for ds.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kukumbr · 16/09/2018 08:30

And I must disagree with PP who said treat him with kid gloves; the man is 6 years my senior and extremely condescending towards me for things like ‘being bad with money’ and ‘treating ds like a baby’ (neither are true) so at the moment I don’t particularly want to have to mollycoddle him!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2018 08:37

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why are you and he still together at all?. He treats you both as subordinates and you sound more like an employee rather than his wife.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
He learnt a lot of damaging stuff from his parents verbally violent relationship and this has simply been carried over by him into his relationship with both you and your son now. This man is not going to change, this stuff too is deep within his own psyche. He is really a carbon copy of his dad here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2018 08:38

You have a choice re this man too, your son does not. What do you want to teach your son about relationships here and what do you want him to remember about his childhood?.

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2018 08:51

He is the same as his Dad though he has already started

How is the rest of your relationship - you hint at it not being good

0ccamsRazor · 16/09/2018 08:53

Have you spoken to the health visitor? Or your gp?

Speaking to them would do two things, 1) record your worries about the abuse that your dh does to your ds and 2) they may be able to talk to your dh about appropriate discipline techniques that he can do as well as refer him to a parenting course and anger managment course.

Original poster

Kukumbr · 16/09/2018 09:04

If we split, surely that’s worse as then dh would have contact with ds and I wouldn’t be able to intervene like I can now

OP posts:

trulybadlydeeply · 16/09/2018 09:15

I had a similar situation, OP. Several times I said to DH that we needed to do something about his anger. He refused. He said I was too soft on DS2. Things escalated. DS2 became more angry and violent, and at 6 started to have significant MH problems. It culminated with DH causing some injuries on striking DS, and I raised a SG alert. Needless to say he is now an ex H.

He also had a difficult childhood, his dad was physically abusive, but that is not an excuse. As your D'S grows and potentially starts challenging his dad (he will learn how to wind him up) i can assure you that this situation will get worse. If he is willing to seek help with his anger and attend a parenting course, then all well and good. If he won't, then you stupidly need to look at your options. Regardless, you don't sound happy anyway.

trulybadlydeeply · 16/09/2018 09:17

seriously not stupidly....

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