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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband shouting at DS!

48 replies

Kukumbr · 15/09/2018 22:01

Our DS is 3. I can honestly say he’s the most well behaved, loving little soul. Hardly ever a tantrum, listens to what he’s being asked to do, he’s clever and thoughtful. We are very lucky that we have such an easy going kid, I don’t take it for granted. He sometimes has his tantrums but on the whole I feel like it’s very rare.

The only time he tends to have his tantrums is when both me and his dad are around. These often manifest as him saying he doesn’t like daddy and hitting him. I have noticed a pattern and I’m not sure what to do. Ds does normal 3 year old things, and dh seems completely intolerant of them. For example, dh really shouted at DS a few nights ago during dinner because between bites, ds got up and had a little dance to the music that was on, and then sat back down, a couple of times. Personally, I found this adorable and to me it showed me he was happy and it was harmless. I was happy to let him have his little dance, because he was sitting back down and carrying on with his dinner. Dh just didn’t like him getting up and shouted at him. I tried to tell dh to stop shouting at him but he rolls his eyes and patronises me and says I shouldn’t interfere.

Dh was working today and I had spent the day with ds visiting various family and he’s been stunningly well behaved. Tonight we had a lovely evening with family and ds was extremely well behaved the whole time. We got home and ds was a little tired but I took the time to tell him he’d been a very good boy and I’d had a lovely day with him. We had our little chat then he wandered off to play with a toy. He was trying to get his daddy to play with him with it, and hit him with the toy, trying to make his dad laugh and play. Instead dh shouted ‘DONT YOU EVER HIT ME AGAIN’. And then I’m not sure what happened, but ds ended up screaming and crying having walked backwards into something and hitting his head. He was fine and it was only a small knock but once again I tried to stick up for him and said to dh that there’s no need to scream and shout at ds, just asking him not to hit you would suffice, however got rebuffed with patronising shit and told to not get involved.

To be honest I’m really angry and upset for my poor well behaved ds who doesn’t deserve to be shouted at. Sorry this was long, but I could use some inspiration on how to deal with this. Telling dh not to shout lends itself to the condescending attitude towards me, which gets me even more angry.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2018 09:41

"If we split, surely that’s worse as then dh would have contact with ds and I wouldn’t be able to intervene like I can now"

No, splitting would be better. I would also think your DHs mother thought along similar lines. You are not able to fully protect your son here or yourself from his father/your H respectively. You are not intervening really so much as firefighting and trying without success to preempt his next outburst.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Would he actually want to have contact with his child and besides which he is really not a good role model here for your son to have. Look at how his own father treated your now H; such abuse like this can and does go down the generations. Your H was himself emotionally harmed by his father and now he is doing those same behaviours to his son. There is no excuse or justifications for his actions. I would imagine too that your H would make separating from him extremely difficult but that is because he would really lose power and control over you.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/09/2018 09:54

My mum and dad were like this and it caused no end of friction as my dad always accused my mum of sticking up for us while he had a very low tolerance threshold and would scream and shout over the slightest thing.

Original poster

Kukumbr · 16/09/2018 16:33

Still not sure what to say to him. To wait for another shout or to bring it up when ds is in bed

OP posts:

Doingreat · 16/09/2018 16:58

Your little boy sounds utterly adorable. The little dance between mouthfuls of food is the sort of thing my son would do at that age and I miss mine being that innocent and sweet.

Your husband is a joysucking vampire who will damage your little boy unless you leave this miserable controlling man.

pointythings · 16/09/2018 17:44

You need to lay it on the line - either he adjusts his parenting (and he may need to attend a parenting course) or you will leave him. He is perpetuating the mistakes his own parents made and he needs to be made to see it. If he will not, you're over.

Scabetty · 16/09/2018 17:50

Is this how your dh was raised? For some reason some father’s do the ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ routine on male offspring. Talk to dh about your ds being a child first and foremost and the importance of role modelling from an affectionate father who he will adore.

PotteringAlong · 16/09/2018 17:55

I’d be cross if my 3 year old got up to dance between mouthfuls too. Table manners need to be learnt and there’s a time and a place for dancing and the dinner table is not it.

I’d be cross if my 3 year old hit me too.

Scabetty · 16/09/2018 17:56

Also explain what you feel works for ds, what chastisement he responds well to. DH is at work all the time so ‘train’ him and work together. Do they spend time alone? DS adored DH at this age as he was the fun guy.

Original poster

Kukumbr · 16/09/2018 18:46

I will bite the bullet once ds is asleep so we can speak properly

OP posts:

pointythings · 16/09/2018 18:48

Pottering but would you shout at a 3 yo loudly enough to scare them into staggering backwards and hurting yourself? Firm but calm is an approach that works with toddlers. Shouting only teaches them fear.

Also it was hardly a dinner party situation - parents were eating dinner off their laps so a bit of dancing around isn't a major breach of etiquette. Context is everything.

ScabbyHorse · 16/09/2018 18:58

It sounds like the reason your lovely ds only has tantrums when both you and his father are around is because he is acting out the anger coming from his father. His father is a nasty bully and you sound like a great mum.

butterfly56 · 16/09/2018 19:02

Op He sounds really awful both to your DS and you.
He's a bully and shouts you down.
He thinks it's ok to repeat his own abusive childhood with his DS.

I left my abusive exH who was the father of my 2 children, because he was awful to me and the DCs.
Life was a lot more peaceful and happy without him in our lives.

Your dear DS is going to suffer a lot and be totally confused and scared.
Fear becomes the default setting with an aggressive father and wreaks havoc with a child's emotional wellbeing.

Please don't think that this man will be reasonable about anything you have to say. His behaviour towards you both is absolutely awful

Original poster

Kukumbr · 16/09/2018 19:05

Please don't think that this man will be reasonable about anything you have to say. His behaviour towards you both is absolutely awful

This is what I am fearful of, a full blown argument when I feel so emotional anyway

I appreciate all the supportive comments thank you MN. Can always rely on mn for this

OP posts:

NeedSleepNow · 16/09/2018 20:06

I can entirely relate to your situation. My husband was like this with our eldest from around the time he was 2. My husband had always had a bit of a temper but it became so much worse when ds was little. He started shouting at him over ridiculous things and ruling by fear. Whenever I spoke up he very rudely told me all I do is interfere. If I tried to calmly discuss it with him after when the kids were in bed he would point blank refuse. I should have left early on but we are still together (ds1 is 7 now) and things are much worse. Husband is much harder on ds1 than the younger two and ds1 finds it very unfair and is often in tears, angry, shouting and telling me how unhappy he is about Daddy.

I was too scared to leave as I too felt it was better for me to be there all the time and act as a buffer between my husband and son. I was scared of what it would be like for the kids if their dad pushed for 50/50 shared care. Eventually I got to breaking point and I have been working out an exit plan as I can see ds1's spirit slowly being drained by the situation. I was ready to go but we have had a huge family crisis and I feel I can't do it right now. It will happen at some point though as my son can't carry on living this way. His home should be a calm, safe, sanctuary for him not a place where he fells fearful, stressed and nervous (as I often do when husband is home).

Please don't let it get to the point I am at. Try to get parenting help for you both as a couple to find an approach that works for you together. Anger management for your husband would be a good step to if he will agree to go. If he refuses then seriously consider all your options. You don't want to look back in 5 years time and realise your husband is/has destroying your son's spirit and damaging his mental health.

Original poster

Kukumbr · 17/09/2018 03:00

Dh took what I had to say surprisingly well and agrees that shouting as a first resort is wrong and he won’t be doing it anymore! I’m pleased I had the guts to have a serious chat with him and now he knows what is acceptable and what isn’t. He is a nice dad but definitely copes less well when he’s stressed and tired - don’t we all - but he just needs to learn to manage that better for the sake of DS.

OP posts:

NeedSleepNow · 17/09/2018 13:38

That's good OP that he was happy to sit down and talk about it with you. I really hope he makes a change and things start to improve for you and your son soon

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 17/09/2018 13:48

It is interesting OP that you say he is a nice dad but copes less well when stressed. So that means shouting at your child until he stumbles backwards. I wonder if he does this with colleagues at work when he is tired and stressed? Can’t see it somehow.

Original poster

Kukumbr · 17/09/2018 18:01

He’s made a concerted effort NOT to shout today. It’s been much nicer all around but I am interested to see if it lasts. He definitely wouldn’t shout at a colleague when stressed! He just takes it out on me and DS. Nobody else

OP posts:

NeedSleepNow · 17/09/2018 20:19

I made that point to my husband recently op. He always blames his temper and shouting on stress and tiredness. I pointed out that if he treated colleagues/his boss the way he treated me and the kids he'd have been sacked years ago so it must be a concious decision to treat us but not others this way.

Glad today has been a better day for you

GertrudeCB · 17/09/2018 20:30

He sounds vile .

Scabetty · 17/09/2018 21:21

Sounds like he respects what you said.

lexi727 · 17/09/2018 21:25

He sounds awful, but your DS sounds absolutely lovely! I don't think I could stay with a man like that - has there been much other questionable behaviour?

LizzieSiddal · 17/09/2018 21:36

You’ve had a serious chat with him and he’s agreed that he should not shout at your son.

The next thing to do is to ask what is he going to do next time DS annoys him. He has to think about this and make sure he follows through.
If he loses his temper again, over something trivial, I’d give him an untimatum. He either goes to therapy or he leaves. He has to change or he will repeat the same horrors as his father.

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