Secretly planning to leave DP

[ELA13]

My plan is to leave my DP.
He’s lazy, and tbh I simply don’t want to be with him anymore... only issue is I have no where to go, no money and about to give birth (plus a 4 year old)
I don’t want him to know I’m leaving. Awful of me I know but I need to be selfish in order to leave.
Council can’t help me because I’m not homeless... someone mentioned ringing womens aid but they would apparently place me in a refuge anywhere in the UK, plus these no domestic abuse so I wouldn’t want to take a room from a family that need to escape for safety.
Any advice please? I’m looking at going back to work straight after giving birth so I can start saving in order to move out (need a bond, first months rent, and a few furniture items)
I’m really unhappy. 👎🏼

Are you in a rental? Why not ask him to leave?

Can parents help, either practically or financially?

Why not ask him to leave?

She doesn't want him to know she's leaving...so asking him to leave defeats the objective.

It’s joint, with no job I couldn’t afford bills, or mortgage on my own... althought I plan on going back to work straight away I can only work part time due to childcare issues. As the council said he has every right to be in the house, as I do myself too.

You need to give this a lot of thought, how will you go back to work with a new baby and a 4 y.o. Who will look after them, you will get some benefits. Do you have friends or family who could put you up for a while.

Sandy Yes but WHY.

OP...going back to work straight away might be difficult. Part time work won't fund a house and childcare.

Is it a council house? If it is, there are ways to get the tenancy passed on to you if a couple splits. Some councils have a way of managing it in that the main carer of the children is given the tenancy.

Tbh if he isnt dangerous I would just stay with him and save up in secret until you are financially able to move. Your children deserve the stability and not being moved around to homeless accommodation etc my ex and I managed to live in the same house for a couple months before we were able to split. It was awkward but it made sense financially. Doing a moonlight split with a young child isn't the best idea unless you are in immediate danger

You do need money OP- sorry to state the obvious but there is no real route to a free house. Do you have family to stay with or borrow money from?

You need to sort out where you’re going before leaving

I would go back to work while still living in the house, so DP is here while I’m at work. The same set up as before I left work. Unfortunately haven’t been entitled to maternity as I switched jobs at 12 weeks pregnant and then had to leave new job after 3 weeks due to HG.

@AjasLipstick No the house is bought.

@Singlenotsingle I don’t have any family, NC since I left home at 14.

Just so fed up of living with a lazy pig... 12.45 and he’s still in bed now, it’s a miracle if he’s ever out of bed before 4pm most days. I’m basically living the life of a single mum already.

so he is sleeping in today, saturday but works and pays the mortgage?

if he isn't helping out, isn't it cheaper to just get a cleaner? and maybe increase nursery time for your 4 yo?

OP i suggest you work out how much you are likely to earn, how much you would spend on childcare/rent etc and see if its financially viable. many couples live separate lives but physically living in the same house.

I also think your pregnancy hormones might be clouding your judgement and making you overract. you may feel like you are a single parent but you aren't. someone is actually paying the bills. there is another adult in the house. he is their father rather than a stranger.. if he isn't abusive i'd stay put, source out help and a support network and work around the issues while saving up anyway. unless your job is very well paid it would be hard to be financially independent working part time with the childcare costs of 2 children.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Say you are not happy. It need be say you both need counselling to make things better or you won't last

He currently isn’t working, hasn’t been since July as he got sacked and hasn’t found a job since (surely it’s not that impossible to find a job) 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t reckon he knows what ‘helping out is’ I do the school run, cook, clean I ensure all the finances are sorted while he does absolutely nothing but sleep 😴 I’ve suggested going to the GP if he feels low and i’ll support him even booked him an appointment which he missed 🤷🏼‍♀️ DS (4 yrs) has just started school and we couldn’t afford to do after school club plus these no need as I’m at home. Before we lived together (November 2017 we bought the house) I worked full time, ran my own house, childcare and still had savings... I feel like I rushed into buying a house with someone I’ve never lived with before... I moved to this town to be with him as he had a well paid job. Learn by your mistakes I guess. ☹️ We currently rely on his parents to help us out financially, and his grandad how to pay our mortgage this month... I feel so embarrassed asking them but he doesn’t seem to care? If it wasn’t for the fact I’m due in 4 weeks time I’d have gone and got a job myself but had HG throughput this pregnancy so had to leave my job. X

sorry for my hormonal rant 😐

How are you paying the mortgage??

Sorry I see you have asked his family.

So is your name on the mortgage? It's time to sell OP....

@AjasLipstick his family are currently helping us out financially. He’s an only child so his parents will bend over backwards to ensure he has everything. His grandad paid it for us this month. I feel so embarrassed. I guess in reality we are just young and silly (we’re only 24) I want to sit down and speak with his mum about everything, I think her son needs help, he doesn’t listen to me and it’s made this relationship awful. Guess the honeymoon period is over, lol!

Unless you are scared of him or he's likely to do something awful, do tell him. You don't have to tell him because you want to stay or him to change, but how would you feel if you woke up one morning and he'd taken the kids and left you with zero warning? He might be a lazy twat, but even lazy twats deserve a heads up.

Do you get on with his Mum then? I would definitely talk to her if you do.

Is your name on the mortgage?

Obviously I’m not just going to up and leave one morning, I wish it was that easy some days. He’s going to know I’m leaving, as I’d need to take our stuff with us, but I want to be able to do with without him knowing I’m planning on leaving. He knows I’m unhappy, in an argument he said he was unhappy too. So obviously feelings are mutual. 4 yr old biologically isn’t his, and this pregnancy was totally unplanned, been together 3 years and was due to get married this year but baby put that on hold until 2020. I keep thinking maybe it’s me, and that I’m the hormonal bitch, and it will settle down once baby is here, or get worse.

Read the posts by coatsprotectionleague there are some really good ideas there to set yourself up to leave in a much stronger place.

@AjasLipstick We talk, she isn’t the evil MIL thank god 😂 but we’re not close, they live a few hours away from us so rarely see her.
Yeah my name is on the mortgage.

Is there any equity in the property?

Truthfully I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️ He dealt with the majority of it, all I could tell you is it’s a part buy part rent scheme. 😐

He sounds really demotivated and depressed. 🤷‍♀️ Jobs arent easy to come by these days. They really arent.

I agree though. He must be awful to live with, id get his mum on board first and let her know exactly what's going on.