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Original poster

He hasn't cheated but I feel so betrayed

31 replies

Sunflowersarelife · 15/09/2018 02:02

NC because my other name is identifying.

Been with my DH for 11years we have 3DC together.

So the beginning of August I had a miscarriage, my DH actually sighed with relief, I was devastated. His behaviour was different I had a feeling something wasn't right so I checked his phone when he was passed out drunk, this was the night after i got the news of my miscarriage.

He and his friend were chatting so disgustingly about women his friend is seeing. The women sent intimate photos of themselves to DHs friend who then sent them to my DH. He told dickhead friend he was going to have a w**k over them an that he has been masturbating over his ex gfs(he said past fucks)

Im so so hurt to the point I told him I don't want to be with him because I feel like he cheated even though he didn't. He cried and begged not to split up and agreed to couples therapy but hasn't booked anything. We haven't slept together since July and I don't want him to be intimate at all.

Any advice to get past this? AM I overreacting? TIA

OP posts:
stevesmithsmum · 15/09/2018 02:15

passed out drunk
was going to have a wk over them

He sounds like a real catch! Maybe catch and release?

SparklyMagpie · 15/09/2018 02:18

I'm so sorry OP
Itd be done for me

sadiesnakes · 15/09/2018 02:32

Ltb, really no other choice. Do not have his children, he's too childish to have a serious relationship. Him and his mate are total scumbags.

penisbeakers · 15/09/2018 03:07

It sounds like he basically killed any chance of your being together. He's showing you who he is. Listen to him and dump him. He can pay for his kids maintenance, but anything else? Hell no.

sadiesnakes · 15/09/2018 03:11

Sorry Op, just reread. Advice still the same though, he's a piece of shit.

HirplesWithHaggis · 15/09/2018 03:16

Did you not read they have three dc already?

OP, I can't tell from this snapshot if you're over reacting, though I completely understand why you're upset. Do you want to get past this, or is this the last straw?

HirplesWithHaggis · 15/09/2018 03:16

Xpost, sorry. ;)

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 15/09/2018 03:31

Mmm I don't think I could get past that. Sorry op. I'm not surprised you don't want to be intimate with him, it's gross.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/09/2018 03:36

"He cried and begged not to split up and agreed to couples therapy but hasn't booked anything."
Why hasn't he booked anything? Does he think if he does nothing, this will all blow over?

No, you're not overreacting. He, on the other hand, seems to me to be massively underreacting.

"We haven't slept together since July" - is he replacing sex with porn and wanking? Sounds like it to me.

I'm sorry Sunflowersarelife, but it takes two to have a relationship and it sounds to me as if he has checked out of it completely. I'd give him one week max to arrange counselling, and if he still hasn't then I'd be asking him to leave.

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2018 05:21

Agreed to couples counselling = bought time with the expectation that the promise of counselling would be the platitude that would trick you into believing his bullshit but had no plans to go through with it, especially if he was going to the donkey work.

He’s sorry but not sorry enough to even pretend to be different. I’m afraid that you’re seeing a side that always existed but he’s done a very good job of hiding.

Where to go from here, not far if he can’t be bothered.

Original poster
Sunflowersarelife · 15/09/2018 08:45

Thanks everyone, I thought I wanted to get past this but everytime I think about what he was doing it's revolting to me. The poor girls in the photos don't even no his friend is sending them to other people and I don't have a clue who they are to let them no.

I think he's expecting me to make the counselling appointment but why should i? I wasn't the one being a pervert, also he always accuses me of cheating and always asks who I'm texting every time I'm lookin at my phone(I'm on mn). I have never been the jealous type so would never ask why he's on his phone, why he stays out so late when he's with friends 4/5am etc but I always get accused. My dad said usually the one who's doing the accusing is the one being unfaithful, but I haven't found any convos with anyone else of him physically cheating.

Anastasia- I think I'll give him the week and if it's still not booked I'm throwing him out.

OP posts:
MrsCar · 15/09/2018 13:43

So sorry OP, what really shitty text exchange to read, especially just after a miscarriage.

2 f**king creeps, the pair of them.

Personally I could never forgive any of it, in particular his reaction to the mc Sad

Singlenotsingle · 15/09/2018 13:48

Gross. Why do some men think that behaviour like this is acceptable? Either he books the counselling and pays for it, or he would be toast imo.

TheObwaldhutte · 15/09/2018 13:56

I would chuck him out even if he booked the counselling. He should have done it already but is waiting for you to be his Mum do it for him so for that alone, I would be booting the bugger out. Who raises men to be like this?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 15/09/2018 14:24

Can’t remotely see the need for counselling here. Who will say what that will change anything? He wanks over his mate’s women, he wanks over his exes and stays out late (no doubt trying to pull - i suspect his lack of being unfaithful is not for want of trying). You either decide you want to be with such a specimen or you dont.

StacksOfBoxes · 15/09/2018 14:29

I don't think couples therapy will solve his attitude to women. I do think you may have had a lucky escape, finding out what he is like before you had children with him.

CaptSkippy · 15/09/2018 14:31

If a guy is that disrespectful towards other women I could only image how he talks about his own partner behind his back. He has proven himself unworthy. Perhaps chuck him and move on.

MrsCar · 15/09/2018 14:32

They already have 3 children together

RLOU30 · 15/09/2018 14:39

Personally I wouldn’t be able to forgive this at all. I don’t see how counselling would help in this situation either.
I am sorry you have been hurt like this must be fucking awful. Hugs x

notapizzaeater · 15/09/2018 14:43

He's not treating you or any woman with any respect. I'd cut him loose.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/09/2018 15:01

"also he always accuses me of cheating and always asks who I'm texting every time I'm lookin at my phone(I'm on mn)."
He accuses you of cheating? This is a behaviour associated with cheating. Cheaters think they're 'normal', so expect others to be cheating, hence the accusations. Sorry but this is a massive red flag that you should be paying attention to.

"My dad said usually the one who's doing the accusing is the one being unfaithful, but I haven't found any convos with anyone else of him physically cheating."
Listen to your dad, he's spot on. As for not having found any convos - absence of proof is not proof of absence. He could just be careful to delete them, or has a second phone, always makes these calls at work, from work phone, or some other method to ensure you don't find proof.

I previously suggested giving him one week max to arrange couples counselling. Scratch that. He needs to go ASAP.

caffelatte100 · 15/09/2018 17:18

How horrible, I would not expect a nice, single 19 year old to do this - let alone an older father of three. Just yuk. I can see how you can't get past him and his creepy friend's behaviour here. Maybe he'd pass photos of you on, or maybe he already has too...

SandyY2K · 15/09/2018 17:51

I can only imagine how you feel about your H now. I'd find it hard to respect my DH if he did that and if I stayed with him ... I'd be there with one foot out of the door...while I got my ducks in a row.

It's disgusting behaviour. Like you're not enough for him...he needs his Ex fucks (charming) and his mates women to get off.

As an aside I do wish women would not send those kind of pics to men. No good comes of it.

Original poster
Sunflowersarelife · 15/09/2018 19:27

His reaction to the mc really deeply hurt me.

We already have 3 children together.

He does not and never will have any photos of me of an intimate nature, that's something I would never risk with anyone.

The wanking over other women really hurt but I'm not gonna let it knock my confidence because he's inconsistent.

I think going to conselling will sort his warped mind out about women and how to learn respect but I do feel like his mum and I don't think I can be arsed trying to sort him out. I'm so tired and miserable about the whole situation but I know we can't live like this for much longer.

Thanks everyone for your replys and hugs x

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 16/09/2018 04:45

I wouldn't book anything other than a taxi for him to get the fuck out.

Him talking about ex girlfriends and wanking over them. His mate sending you photos of other women he's seeing so he can wank over them. I wonder if they realise their pics are being bandied about online? I'd be bloody furious. Yes there is a risk when you send intimate photos, but that does not mean whomever you send them to is allowed to spread them around. They are both disgusting.

Just get rid of him. He can go and live his mate and they can wank themselves into oblivion. You deserve better.