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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Grief is destroying my marriage

40 replies

Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 00:40

Some of this can come across selfish which is what I do not want but I really need help and advice to save a marriage that is just 7 months old.

Myself and my husband have been together for 7 years. We have two children and we have been best friends always. We have had our arguments, he has always been a little selfish, likes a drink and is not great with helping money wise but I love him and we dealt with that.
His family has always been a big part in our life’s. Sometimes to much but I handled it. Sadly my husbands dad died 5 months after our Wedding. He was 55 and healthy. It was a shock and we found him-very traumatic.

My husbad asked for myself and the children to move in with his mum for a few weeks which I did, no questions asked. He then decided he wanted to live with her for good which I said no to and caused an argument. Since then everything has gone down hill. I have agreed to live with his mum weekends with the kids but he just hates me. Not because of not moving in just in general. His become obsessed with his mum. His sister lives at home with her so she is not alone but he insists on me being with her when ever I am off work ( I work four days a week and she has the kids two days as well as us staying the weekend) no matter what I do his nasty to me but lovely to everyone else. He puts me down. Says horrible things. Is not affectionate and just doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do anymore because when ever I say anything he is vile and turns it around, calls me selfish and makes me feel so small. I earn half the money he does and I pay all the bills. He doesn’t pay rent anymore as his dad owned our place and now his gone. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I’m now feeling resentful.
Is this just grief? I just don’t know what to do to save my marriage and to not be miserable anymore because he is just so mean to me yet so nice to everyone else. P.s I have tried talking to him but he just gets angry and turns everything around on me.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 15/09/2018 00:45

Counselling urgently. He needs a bereavement counsellor and you both need a relationship counsellor. Email Relate tonight. Google “bereavement counsellor” and your area and email half a dozen. Book him an appointment with one ASAP. This can’t carry on. Grief is one thing but you can’t allow him to destroy yours and the kids lives

PerspicaciaTick · 15/09/2018 01:58

I agree with Cawfee.
By the way, what does his mum think her situation? Does she need or enjoy the constant company or does she also find it very suffocating?

CrystalDeCanter · 15/09/2018 02:13

Yes, I agree with Cawfee too. This is absolutely not normal OP. How old is he btw? Agree too with talking to his mum. It sounds like he's totally regressing to a child like state. Wanting no responsibilities and living with mummy.

He needs help to see that this isn't fair on you, the kids, his mum or him.

I acknowledge that his loss is very recent and traumatic but he is being weird.

Sweepouttheashes · 15/09/2018 05:59

Op I went really funny after my dad died suddenly. Didn’t take it out in dh, there were other scapegoats and at the time I couldn’t see it was grief making me hate these poor people. Years have passed and I see it clearly now. It explains it but doesn’t excuse it.

Whatsthispain · 15/09/2018 06:18

I think we often take our grief out on those closest to us, but this is not an excuse. He needs counselling. I would also speak to his mum.

If he's not prepared to seek help then I would be protecting myself and the kids. Let him go and live with his mum. You and the kids live in your home and carry on with your lives. It's early days for him really.

Doingreat · 15/09/2018 10:23

Go and live in your own home full time. And try to save your relationship from there. Moving in part time with other people be they parents or in laws could potentially destroy any marriage without the grief.

Don't take any more crap from him. You are not his emotional punchbag. He needs to get help for his issues whatever they are to heal and also to save your marriage. You have two dcs to take care of. Tell him to eff off if he says mean things. He's being a total and utter shit and grief is no excuse for that. Be strong and take care of YOU. Your kids need you to stay well physically emotionally and mentally.

Enough is enough. You are not responsible for making him better. Only he can do that. You are not responsible for looking after his mother part time.

Joysmum · 15/09/2018 10:52

My dh lost both parent before he was 49 and it devastated him. I was understanding but after a year I had the talk with him.

I told him I absolutely loved him to bits but that he was obviously struggling and that it was impacting on his relationship with me and our daughter and it was time he got help.

It was a relief for him to hear, I don’t think he’d have done so otherwise.

If he’d not embraced the idea and I thought that nothing would change, as much as I love him my daughter and I didn’t deserve to be snapped at and treated as an afterthought in his life so I’d have split.

Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 19:33

Thank you everyone for your advice. I was really needed. It’s hard to see that you are not being selfish when you are in the centre of what is going on. I have tried to talk to him but the communication is so difficult. I have mentioned grief counselling but he has said he doesn’t want that and it won’t help. I am not going to take it any longer and will focus and myself and the kids. I will be there for him but I will not take the brunt of what has happened as it is not my fault. I am hurting as well but because I’m the daughter in law it’s like I don’t deserve to be sad as he was not my dad. Thank you again. I have really taken in everything that has been said

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/09/2018 19:41

My husband and I have lost all of our parents and we’re early 40’s. Never have we behaved in this absurd manner to each other. He seriously needs help and I hope for the sake of you and your children that he gets it. You poor thing.

cptartapp · 15/09/2018 20:15

I lost my DF at 54 and my DM in an accident suddenly at 69, I was 44 with no parents. His behaviour is awful. Grief is no excuse. He needs urgent counselling and unless he moves forward quickly I fear for your relationship. Your current situation is unsustainable.

Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 20:41

Yes honestly we have always been best of friends. He is the most amazing man. It has just been since his dad passed. Don’t get me wrong he certainly has always had his faults but we all do. I do as well. He would never ever lay a finger on me and isn’t aggressive. It’s just as if he blames me for his dads death. His nice to everyone else. More so his mum and sister. But me is a different story. I have tried to hard to be patient. To understand. To ride the storm but I’m at my breaking point now. I’m not taking it which is causing us to argue constantly. He gets very mean, belittling and personal. I know they say they take things out on people closest but I can’t handle this any more. It isn’t fair. I just want my husband back. It hurts my feelings so much that his turned against me. It should have brought us closer. Now I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about my future. I’m hurting aswell. It’s just as if I’m not aloud to grieve and I’m selfish for hurting as well because he wasn’t my dad.

OP posts:
sparkling123 · 15/09/2018 21:03

I know it is hard to step back and see bigger picture when all this has just happened but I would say go for counselling. You will probably need to get on a waiting list now but it will be worth it. I looked at Cruse for Husband (and me), when his Dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly just before our wedding. It's such a rough time but you will get through it, just don't be afraid to ask for help, as a pp said grief can make people do all sorts, there is no right way to grieve. Thanks

sparkling123 · 15/09/2018 21:09

Sorry just read your post about him refusing counselling, there must be some advice from counselling services about what to do in this situation, sorry.

MandyRose16 · 15/09/2018 21:34

Just need to vent! I feel so cross! Grown up daughter and son in law have been living with dh and me in our small house for almost a year while they buy and refurb their "forever home". Dh, who is step dad to my daughter has been very supportive and kind, including physically doing some of the building work on their house. They are generally very considerate and we get along well. They have bern appreciative of us opening out home to them. It is not easy for them as they are living in one small room in our house, and we share one baththroon between the four of us.
All has been going pretty well until this evening when daughter and son in law started talking about a TV programme they have seen which said how harmful meat and dairy are. Son in law said we should give up meat and dairy until Christmas. I was hurt at the implicit criticism of my catering and completely taken aback. I should add that we eat very conventionally and dh likes to eat meat most days.
The convwrsationrhen turned to the building work on their house. I expressed some concerns about the way the site us being managed (it is a total mess and a local eyesore) and I said I was worried about progress as i am concerned about the westher getting worse as the roof of the house has been removed. Son in law said that he would rather I don't go to the house until I am invited as I will "only worry". I should explain that I used to be an architect although I have bern out if that profession for more than 15 years. Am I wrong to feel angry and rejected?

GiantPandaAttacks · 15/09/2018 21:42

Mandy what on Earth are you doing posting that rant on this thread? Start one of your own - super rude to have done what you’ve done here.

Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 21:49

No that’s ok. I actually studied counselling so I am all for it. I am going to seek my own counselling for the situation and hopefully get him onboard for the sake of our marriage. Thank you again for your advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 21:51

Thank you. I am really going to try and seek counselling for him and myself. I am hoping myself having counselling as well can help him make that decision as at the moment he isn’t for it x

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 21:52

Honestly she was all for us moving in. She wanted us too. Being her son she loves having him fuss consistently over her. She isn’t finding it too much at all. She is in some sense egging it on x

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 21:52

Thank you for that. It has helped. I am just praying at time passes things get better x

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 21:53

I am sorry for what you have been through also.

OP posts:
ratherbeshowjumping · 15/09/2018 22:02

Didn't want to read & run.
My DF died suddenly at 52 - no illness. He was found in a public place, sunbathing, dead. V traumatic.

For a long time after, I became incredibly anxious about my DM as was so terrified to lose her too. Was she ok? What was she doing? If I couldn't get hold of her for an hour I'd panic.

Your DHs behaviour is explainable but in no way excusable. PPs have offered much better advice than I possibly could have, but I'm hoping your DH begins to feel better soon & gets the help he clearly needs x

picklepost · 15/09/2018 22:32

Honestly I would leave. Nothing excuses his behaviour and the longer you tolerate it the less chance there is that the relationship can be salvaged.

Leave. Let him know boundaries for visiting, contact, money, behaviour.

If and when he's ready to step up, then you can consider saving the relationship.

He has to do this, it's out of your hands.

Original poster
Blackmore1988 · 15/09/2018 22:59

Your reply is blunt but I love it. Your very right. The hard thing is I actually said this to him last night and he said ‘ it won’t look very good on your behalf to everyone if you leave your husband just after his dad has died’ he is right . I will be looked at as horrible and selfish. However I have to be cruel to be kind and I have to think of myself. Hopefully in time I might have my best friend back. The only thing that worries my is leaving him in the time that his struggling and making his mental state worst. I just want my best friend back.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 15/09/2018 23:08

He is being abusive. And telling you that it won't look good on you to ditch him after his father died, I'd be telling him two things before i left:
'I'm leaving you because SOMEONE has to be there for our kids. And it's not going to be you is it?'
And
'I really don't care how it looks to others. I need to put my kids and me first.'

Stillme1 · 16/09/2018 00:27

I think there is an element of abuse or maybe a clumsy attempt at manipulation.
I wonder if at the back of this desire to always be with his mum is a fear that she may die and him not be there or find her too late.
I also find it somewhat commendable that he has so much consideration for his recently bereaved mum.
I have never had an unexpected bereavement (all mine were after long illnesses) and even then I found it quite shocking when death came. It has only been 2 months so still a bit recent and raw.
He does need to step up and continue life as a husband and father. I wonder if he is going back into a more childish mode with his avoidance of rent, and leaving you and DC to muddle along as best you can while he indulges his feelings.
I think he will have to have counselling and maybe you too. He could even be jealous if you still have your parents.
It is going to take a lot to get all this into a normal way of life.