Grief is destroying my marriage

[Blackmore1988]

Some of this can come across selfish which is what I do not want but I really need help and advice to save a marriage that is just 7 months old.

Myself and my husband have been together for 7 years. We have two children and we have been best friends always. We have had our arguments, he has always been a little selfish, likes a drink and is not great with helping money wise but I love him and we dealt with that.
His family has always been a big part in our life’s. Sometimes to much but I handled it. Sadly my husbands dad died 5 months after our Wedding. He was 55 and healthy. It was a shock and we found him-very traumatic.

My husbad asked for myself and the children to move in with his mum for a few weeks which I did, no questions asked. He then decided he wanted to live with her for good which I said no to and caused an argument. Since then everything has gone down hill. I have agreed to live with his mum weekends with the kids but he just hates me. Not because of not moving in just in general. His become obsessed with his mum. His sister lives at home with her so she is not alone but he insists on me being with her when ever I am off work ( I work four days a week and she has the kids two days as well as us staying the weekend) no matter what I do his nasty to me but lovely to everyone else. He puts me down. Says horrible things. Is not affectionate and just doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do anymore because when ever I say anything he is vile and turns it around, calls me selfish and makes me feel so small. I earn half the money he does and I pay all the bills. He doesn’t pay rent anymore as his dad owned our place and now his gone. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I’m now feeling resentful.
Is this just grief? I just don’t know what to do to save my marriage and to not be miserable anymore because he is just so mean to me yet so nice to everyone else. P.s I have tried talking to him but he just gets angry and turns everything around on me.

Wow that he said that! So manipulative!

First of all I doubt very much that anyone would say such a thing and if they do, fuck 'em, they're no friends to worry about.

You're the one in the marriage, you're the one suffering, you're the one who has to make the call.

I actually wouldn't get drawn into discussion, I'd just let him know my plans in a factual sort of way and say it's because the situation has become intolerable.

Tell him you want your best friend back and he's welcome to get in touch when he can behave with respect but until then you consider yourself separated.

By staying and tolerating abuse you are not being "understanding", you are allowing boundaries to be crossed to the point of non-recovery.

Sometimes couples have to separate in order to save the relationship and this sounds very.much like one of those situations.

Yes grief hurts, but it is not a licence to destroy those around you. He is very immature isn't he.

Btw, contrary to previous posters, I wouldn't trying to persuade him to go to counselling. Go for yourself. You didn't cause his problems and you can't fix them. He has to wake up and try to get his shit together. The more he does for himself, the more he is likely to recover and strengthen.

Two months is nothing. I was all over the place at that point after either parent died - mind you I wasn’t horrible to my spouse, does he do the typical male thing of bottling up and not talking about his grief? This isn’t ok but if it’s two months out of 7 years you need to hang in there. Maybe he thinks you’ll leave him unexpectedly too.

Is he a different culture? One where widows are looked after by their children?

Massive apologies for my previous post which I accidentally and inappropriately added to this section. I am not good at technology and did not mean to tag it on to your bit. I read the above and was really sorry to hear what you have been going through. I am so sorry for my clumsy dumping of my problem when you are going through so much worse.

His behaviour’s got worse since his father’s death, but there were red flags before that, weren’t there?
“We have had our arguments, he has always been a little selfish, likes a drink and is not great with helping money wise”

Reading between the lines, it sounds as if he may have been emotionally and financially abusive before, and now his father has died, it’s much worse - whether the bereavement is an excuse or genuinely causing him to suffer, it doesn’t actually matter, as the end result is the same: abusive behaviour towards you.

Before this, what were the arguments like? Did he ever turn nasty? Did he insist on having his own you? Did he blame you for things? Rarely/never apologise?

I think he was already manipulating you, or there’s no way you would have agreed to move in with his mother, for starters.

his own way

I ought to add a disclaimer to my previous post too.

2 month really is nothing in term of grief and my talk with my Dh came at nearly a year.

However, my DH wasn’t a dickhead to start with and his behaviour was very much out of character so he was worth sticking by.

I'm sorry OP it sounds a hellish time
I would just concentrate on you and the kids
He needs to sort himself out

To be honest, Id say two months and it's now reasonable to move back home. Tell him you're not leaving him, just you won't live with his mum any more, you're an adult and wish your own home.

Then tell him it's up to him if he'd rather live with his mum or you and the kids,

And he is bullying and manipulating you. You need to get out.

Could you download and leave out a flyer from Cruise about sudden bereavement?

He will be absolutely terrified of his mum suddenly dying. It will be all consuming but under the surface. I'm not excusing his behaviour though his trauma is very recent and he won't be thinking straight at all.

Best of luck.

Different perspective, but why isn't his mother telling him to go home to his wife and children? I'm 55, my children are married, and no way on earth would I expect or encourage them to give up their lives, move back home, if their dad suddenly died. Is she encouraging his behaviour?

Two months is nothing. Everything will be so raw still.

I lost my Dad suddenly and unexpectedly. I didn't exactly move in with my mum, but did spend the majority of at least the first months seeing her every day and staying over a lot. She was so lost and vulnerable and I couldn't leave her, even when my sibling was there too. My Mum did float the idea of my family moving in with her in the early days, but although I wanted to because I wanted to be there with her, I knew it would be a bad idea long term.

My Mum and my Sibling were the only people who got my grief and felt the same, I wanted to be with them. It also made me resent my DH who, whilst sad, hadn't had his entire life turned upside down and could basically carry on. He was able to sing and laugh when I was so raw and it felt so unfair- I was so angry with him (inside). He didn't and couldn't understand- he hasn't lost his parents.

Your husband might generally be an arse. BUT he is not himself at the moment. His father's death is so recent.

Oh, and he doesn't need grief councilling yet. It's no time wrong and abnormal to be deverstated and completely at sea after the death of someone close.

Don't let him blackmail you with that " it won't look good " comment. It's been 5 months, not 5 days since his father died. You have to look after yourself and your children, not constantly pander to his outrageous demands. Good luck .

It hasn’t been five months