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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this fair?

38 replies

NC951 · 14/09/2018 23:18

I’m not sure if I’m being childish or if this situation is a bit unfair, so I’m hoping for some advice.

I have been with my OH for 6 years, living together for 4 years. No DC yet. I get on well with my in-laws although they can be a bit thoughtless compared to my own parents. My parents are inclusive of my DP and put thought into gifts despite not having alot of money. My in-laws are the opposite, comfortable with money but no thought when it comes to me/us as a couple.

When they are in town they will arrange to meet my OH on his own, not with me. Family dinners there is no invite to me. I find it odd as we get on well and previously we have stayed with them for a week and it was great, they were very accommodating.

My OH has just mentioned that his parents are taking him on holiday with his DSis after my birthday. No mention if I’d like to go, not even if I bought my own ticket.

It makes me sad to be honest. I don’t have a big family and in the beginning I felt really included. My OH had some problems last year which led to us splitting up for a month (think gambling, lying etc). It was something I’d been dealing with for years with him and finally had enough after trying to help him. I don’t know if his family resent me for finally having had enough. We obviously got back together and have been fine ever since. My OHs parents know of his issues and know he can be difficult, so I don’t think they would blame me.

I already do alot for him in terms of housework, cooking, laundry etc. It isn’t as though I lay around all day demanding he do things for me, I don’t abuse him in any way so its baffling. I’m not loud or overbearing, I’m not horrible company. I can be a bit of an introvert but I’m a nice person and will happily chat away.

My OH said we can look for plane tickets so I can join, but I don’t want to tag along. I want to be invited. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Original poster

NC951 · 14/09/2018 23:20

To add, the holiday is in 1 month.

OP posts:

PrincessWire · 14/09/2018 23:22

Why on earth would he accept the invitation without you? Why isn't he asking his parents why you're not invited and explaining to them that he's half of a couple?

Singlenotsingle · 14/09/2018 23:25

Why don't you just sit down with MIL and ask her nicely if they've got a problem with you, and why you haven't been invited. Maybe they don't consider you as family because you aren't married?

HollowTalk · 14/09/2018 23:27

You know what? Bugger the holiday and his parents excluding you. This man doesn't deserve you. I think you deserve someone really nice who doesn't lie or gamble, who shares the workload in the home and who has a lovely family who appreciate you.

Why make life so hard for yourself by staying with this man?

Returnofthesmileybar · 14/09/2018 23:31

After 6 years you definitely have an oh problem, he should be pulling them up on excluding you! Yanbu, what does he say about dinners etc?

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 14/09/2018 23:45

Your oh sounds useless, and you sound too good for him. Why are you accepting this? And why are you doing so much around the house? Don't fall into that trap of playing the 'good girlfriend' doing all the domestic shit.
I think you'd be much better off without him.

Original poster

NC951 · 14/09/2018 23:45

About the dinners - he will say “its fine just come, of course you can come” but I don’t want to go if I’m not invited.

I think he is embarrassed by their behaviour. At Christmas they showered him with personal gifts and gave me a £3 candle from Primark. Whereas my parents asked me for my OHs favourite aftershave to buy him. It’s not about the money, it’s the fact I’m an afterthought.

I don’t think I have the balls to ask her! And I think she’d deny it anyway. We’re mid-20s so we aren’t in a rush to get married, and none of his family have mentioned it.

I don’t feel jealous that OH gets to have a good holiday, I want him to visit that country. I just feel sad that I’ll be home alone without a thought as to whether I’d like to have gone.

I mentioned it to him and he said “fine, I won’t go” but that’s hardly a great response! Now he will probably mention not wanting to go because I’m not invited and they will guilt trip him because they have bought the tickets, and I’ll get the blame.

OP posts:

TwentySmackeroos · 14/09/2018 23:47

Does his sister have a partner/children?

Beaverhausen · 14/09/2018 23:49

Sorry but if my inlaws treated me this way especially after 6 years it would be hasta la vista baby.

In LTR family is very important especially if significant others are close with their family but if the family is deliberately excluding you and he is not saying anything about it then you need to consider whether this is the type of life you want to live.

MMmomDD · 14/09/2018 23:51

Well - partially - it’s your BF’s issue - is there a reason you didn’t mention if you are thinking of getting married? As it is - you are a GF - and not part of their family, so his parents can get away with a lot less ‘inclusion’....

But - at the same time - you appear a little needy. It’s pefectly OK for parents to want to have dinner with him w/o you when they are in town. He is their child, and they want to see him.
Equally - it’s OK for them to want to invite their children on a holiday with them. It sounds like it’s a one-off?
I presume his sister is also not married, so it’s a family thing. Maybe the parents want to remember he good old days, when they were kids? I wouldn’t tag along, it’d change their dynamics...

OP - you seem to yearn for a recognition as a part of his family. Are you sure you aren’t misplacing/transferring your annoyance from your BF to his parents?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2018 23:54

Was it different before you split up?

I could the just about see theogic of a holiiday just 4 of them if there was some tradition in it and they included you normally but I think you def need to (get dp to) ask MIL if there's a problem as you feel she never wants you to be there for family stuff.

I already do alot for him in terms of housework, cooking, laundry etc
Why? Presumably you both work, so why are you doing his share of housework too?

stevesmithsmum · 14/09/2018 23:56

The issu3 is less with your inlaws and more with your partner tbh. He should be your greatest advocate and wingman. He isn’t. You need to decide if you’re happy with that or not.

After six years together I’d expect to be considered part of the family. You’re clearly not considered that.

I remembered standing up for my newly married wife against my mother. It’s what partners do.

Villagelifer · 15/09/2018 00:12

I would expect my DH to sort it out with his parents - pretty sure he wouldn't consider going on holiday without me after 6 years together.

While it's not nice that your inlaws don't invite you for things, what jumps out is the fact that your OH actually accepts these invitations that basically implies that you're not a real couple and that what they do is acceptable.

Angrybird345 · 15/09/2018 07:47

Your dh is a big part of the problem. Is he worth this hassle?

ems137 · 15/09/2018 08:31

I think it's very odd to be honest and I'd be quite upset in your situation too. I think the only person that can confront it is your partner though. If you were to confront them it would probably make you look quite grabby and confrontational (even though you're not!)

boringbertha · 15/09/2018 08:34

I think it's strange to be going on holiday with your parents and sister in your mid-20s anyway! Are they trying to keep him their little boy? He sounds like a man child to me.

Doingreat · 15/09/2018 09:18

Why are you doing so much around the house OP? Why aren't chores shared out equally? Are you a people pleaser? You lack assertiveness with your partner and are mothering him I feel. You need to ask yourself why? Are you afraid of losing him again?

I know this isn't the issue you asked about. But your relationship has fundamental problems. You have OH problems. Not in law problems.

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 09:26

I read it differently. Sounds to me like his parents realise he is absolutely mugging you and want to help you exit as easily as possible or expect you to dump him at any moment. They must be constantly thinking "Surely she won't put up with this much longer!"

Why are you with a dickhead? Lying, gambling, lazy dickhead!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/09/2018 09:36

I went on holiday this summer with both my adult sons. It's a tradition and they love it. However their long term DPs also came with us.

I think you're right to feel hurt.

However I don't agree with some of the other replies you've received that it's a DP problem. Well the holiday angle is, but not the rest of it. It's not as if he can tell his DPs to choose better Christmas presents.

For whatever reason, your in laws don't think much of you or take you seriously. You're not a DDIL, you're just their son's girlfriend.

If, as your post suggests, family is very important to you, your partner's family are unlikely to give you the relationship you crave. That must be very hard.

To answer your question, no, it isn't fair. But then life isn't fair. But if I were you I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship. Gambling is a wrecker, as is lying. Dump him. You're so young. Someone else will be along in no time. Someone who will treat you as you deserve

crispysausagerolls · 15/09/2018 10:08

This is completely disrespectful of them, and he is not seeing that or taking a stance so I would be out of there.

eddielizzard · 15/09/2018 10:29

Not having his family accept you is a big problem. Your DP says you can tag along, but that's not really the solution. The solution is for him to stand up to his parents and tell them it's not on. Will he do that?

Remember that if he doesn't stand up for you now, it doesn't magically change if you have children. Be prepared for his mum to dictate where his priorities lie. And that obvs isn't going to be with you.

crispysausagerolls · 15/09/2018 11:14

eddielizzard

Perfectly put

Thebluedog · 15/09/2018 11:21

Naw bugger that! I’d not want to be with a person who felt so little about my feelings that he’d accept invitations to meals out and holidays without me and was happy to see me receive such a thoughtless gift whilst he was showered with gifts. It shows either a massive lack of balls to stand up to them or he simply doesn’t give enough of a shit about how all this makes you feel

BackInTheRoom · 15/09/2018 11:33

It's human nature to want to feel loved and accepted and you're not getting that. It'll naw at you while you're with him so what are you going to do about it?

category12 · 15/09/2018 11:39

Do your future self a massive favour and break it off with this guy. He's rubbish. His family don't rate you and he thinks you'll put up with anything and come back for more, and currently you do. Don't do it to yourself.

In a couple of year's time you could be happy with someone else who doesn't gamble and lie, treats you well and does his share, who has your back. Be that future you.

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