Is this fair?

[NC951]

I’m not sure if I’m being childish or if this situation is a bit unfair, so I’m hoping for some advice.

I have been with my OH for 6 years, living together for 4 years. No DC yet. I get on well with my in-laws although they can be a bit thoughtless compared to my own parents. My parents are inclusive of my DP and put thought into gifts despite not having alot of money. My in-laws are the opposite, comfortable with money but no thought when it comes to me/us as a couple.

When they are in town they will arrange to meet my OH on his own, not with me. Family dinners there is no invite to me. I find it odd as we get on well and previously we have stayed with them for a week and it was great, they were very accommodating.

My OH has just mentioned that his parents are taking him on holiday with his DSis after my birthday. No mention if I’d like to go, not even if I bought my own ticket.

It makes me sad to be honest. I don’t have a big family and in the beginning I felt really included. My OH had some problems last year which led to us splitting up for a month (think gambling, lying etc). It was something I’d been dealing with for years with him and finally had enough after trying to help him. I don’t know if his family resent me for finally having had enough. We obviously got back together and have been fine ever since. My OHs parents know of his issues and know he can be difficult, so I don’t think they would blame me.

I already do alot for him in terms of housework, cooking, laundry etc. It isn’t as though I lay around all day demanding he do things for me, I don’t abuse him in any way so its baffling. I’m not loud or overbearing, I’m not horrible company. I can be a bit of an introvert but I’m a nice person and will happily chat away.

My OH said we can look for plane tickets so I can join, but I don’t want to tag along. I want to be invited. Am I overreacting?

That's strange and rude behaviour! You have a LT relationship and live together so I think it's dreadful you are not invited to everything.

Does his sister have a partner/children?

No she’s still a teenager, she isn’t really interested in all that. We‘ve met loads though and get on.

I’ve taken everything in that everyone has said. It does hit a nerve tbh. I can be a people pleaser, but doing the housework etc is mostly down to me being better at it and having more free time. He doesn’t care about mess and will go weeks without tidying. He has always been like that.

I’m not needy, I don’t want to go to every event or meeting. Yes I was invited more before the break up. I would go to some, not all. They’re a very extroverted family and like I said I’m quite introverted. They probably just stopped inviting me because I didn’t go to every event.

I know deep down that I probably should be on my own but it’s very difficult in terms of finances. Due to our living costs I couldn’t afford to live on my own. Unless I win the lottery I just don’t see it happening.

"Due to our living costs I couldn’t afford to live on my own."

You could find a nice house-share. You could go home to parents? You could find a bedsit?

If you have shared assets, you'll be able to retrieve your share.

If you're in debt, (please don't say you've taken on debt because of his gambling?), it can be written off if you can't afford to repay it. Yes, it doesn't do your credit rating any good, but it can be rebuilt in time.

Do you work?

You'd rather live with a lying, gambling, lazy manchild than be on your own.

Did you take out debt as a result of his gambling? Did he convince you to put it in your name?

There no debt on my part from him, but we
have individual debt.

My parents dont have any room for me unfortunately. They also live on the other side of the country. I only work part time due to health problems. I can hopefully start working full time after the new year.

I know it’s a mess, I feel stuck.

Re the break up, has he told them lies about why you broke up? Do they think you did something, rather than knowing the truth?

Maybe the parents like the little family unit. A partner could make them feel older.
They maybe don't take you seriously as you aren't married.
I think your OH should be making you two out to be more of a unit.
Have you actually talked to him about all this?

Most people would feel left out in this situation and you are right OP that it doesn't help for anyone to say you can go along now - it was that you wanted to be invited from the start or for your DP to stand up to his parents and say he wanted to you go too.

So you can't really change the 'what is' in this situation but you do have the potential to change how you feel about it. What would it take for that to happen? What would happen for you to feel ok about it? This doesn't actually have to happen but it will help you to work out what you want.

Perhaps you might consider finding a way to give yourself a treat just as nice as a holiday. (though to be fair I'm not sure how nice that holiday your DP is going on will be)

My MIL asks my partner to visit alone without me and her baby grandchild! That's fucking cheeky in my book but it suits me.

What do you have to do to get rid of him?

PS: don't piss your precious money away on a "holiday" you are not wanted on.

That “fine I won’t go then” response would piss me off as much as the non-invite to be honest

Don’t get tied down with a partner who isn’t willing to defend you in disputes with his family if you’re not guilty of anything I’ve spent 25+ years with a man like that and it’s horrible

Thankfully I’ve not had a whole lot of it in 25 years but enough to be hard to swallow otherwise he’s a good guy