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Relationships

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Original poster

Shared finances- partner from richer background

41 replies

SuzieSOS · 14/09/2018 15:44

I am not married.
I work part-time
We have 2 children together.
DP does not want to spend money on a wedding (its a waste) but won't go to a registry office either.
I have put my career on hold to bring up the children who are 4 and 1. I work 2 days a week.
My parents are poor and probably in loads of debt. I've no doubt they will be leaving debts rather than inheritance eventually. DPs family are quite wealthy.
He recently had some inheritance from a wealthy grand-parent and there are things I would like to do with the money to improve the house/family etc. But I feel I have no say over money at all as I don't earn as much or come from a wealthy background. His decisions always trump mine where money is concerned and I feel its all his money even though I'm losing out financially by working part-time.
House etc is in joint names, we have a Will and joint life insurance, pensions in each others name so I'm covered should anything happen to him but I'm just feeling like the weaker/inferior partner from a financial standpoint.
I don't know how to feel better about this? He recently bought a brand new car with some of the inheritance and he told me I can 'borrow' it once a week if I want to...
I feel like I've no financial rights and if I try to assert myself over it, he makes me feel like a money grabber. Although has never said this directly- just that I had nothing when he met me... but I do now!
I feel yuk about it all.
Legally, I think I'm covered should we part but Morally, what do you think my rights are financially as we have children together? We are not married.

OP posts:

Original poster

SuzieSOS · 14/09/2018 15:47

I should point out that the new car is supposedly the new "family," car and although I drive the children around, I get to "borrow", it once a week.

OP posts:

Butterfly44 · 14/09/2018 15:50

Legally you are NOT covered if you part. You are not married. is there a reason why you aren't married?

subspace · 14/09/2018 15:53

Why doesn't he want to get married?

I think if he's not going to marry you, and your okay with that, get cracking on your career, and childminding will have to be an expense to be shared between you.You need your financial future security, whether it's from his income going into the family while you provide SAHM services for free in exchange, or from your own independent income.

Shoxfordian · 14/09/2018 15:57

He's not acting like you're a family. He's not marrying you because he doesn't want to share his money. Ltb

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/09/2018 15:58

Refusing to marry you means that he gets to keep all his money if you split up. He's also been able to forge ahead. With his career whilst you provide free childcare.

Mia85 · 14/09/2018 15:58

Legally, I think I'm covered should we part what do you mean by this? Do you mean that the half equity in the house will be all that you need?

happyasasandboy · 14/09/2018 15:59

What would make you feel you're "covered" if you part?

If you're not married, you're likely to get 50% of the jointly owned house (provided it is jointly owned) and child maintenance at the CMS rate. No recourse to his pension/savings etc, despite your contribution to those via childcare/part time working etc.

It is really really hard (ie impossible) to 'construct' the rights conveyed by marriage. If you were the more wealthy partner with the savings/pension then you could construct the rest, but as the poorer party you wouldn't fair well in a split. You might be ok if he died (provided the will you know about is the last one he's made), but in trouble if you merely split.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 14/09/2018 16:01

Legal rights for cohabitatees are very poor indeed.

Who owns the house?

Mia85 · 14/09/2018 16:02

She says House etc is in joint names

Thomlin · 14/09/2018 16:06

If I were you I'd be seriously reconsidering your position as a PT worker and looking to go back into your career. This is madness and will only end badly for you if the partnership breaks down. You are feeling inferior financially because you are inferior financially. I'd be looking at childcare options and splitting the bill with DP.

RickyGold · 14/09/2018 16:08

I think you should work full time and have a pension. He doesn't want to get married, that's absolutely fine but you should not compromise your position and the only way you can be sure of that is to increase your income.
neither my self or my partner wish to get married (both did not do that well out of divorces) but we earn similar, both have good pensions and both own houses. Marriage protects the lower earner

Ariclock · 14/09/2018 16:11

He doesn't want to marry you because he'll have to split his pension and assets with you if you split up. There was a thread about this exact same situation last week. I would sit down with him and explain that it is extremely important that you get married in order to protect you financially. Good luck

FinallyHere · 14/09/2018 16:20

I would sit down with him and explain that it is extremely important that you get married in order to protect you financially

I really think this ship has sailed. Your best way forward is to get a really good job, split the cost of childcare and make sure he pulls his weight in the house and with children. Forget about making your house more lovely until you have built up a really good pension (look at the projected provision to really scare yourself) and some savings, too.

This is the way to protect yourself and your children: do not expect to benefit from his wealth, then you cannot get trapped in a bad relationship because you cannot afford to leave. All the best.

AngelsSins · 14/09/2018 16:25

Well you ARE in a weaker position, but it’s a position you picked.

You decided to have kids without being married, and then give up you career. I don’t means to sound harsh, I really don’t, but I’m not sure what else’s you expected? Bet you gave the kids his name too? Men really do know how to get women to dance to their tune...

Get back to work, I would argue that he should pay for childcare seeing as you’ve been indirectly paying it for the last 4 years. Start looking out for yourself, because you can bet your arse he is.

HollowTalk · 14/09/2018 16:27

Always remember that Wills can be changed, too. There is nothing like marriage for nailing things down.

It seems as though he enjoys the inequality between you. As a PP said, he is not treating you as part of his family.

HeckyPeck · 14/09/2018 16:29

Get back to work, I would argue that he should pay for childcare seeing as you’ve been indirectly paying it for the last 4 years. Start looking out for yourself, because you can bet your arse he is.

Seconding this. If he doesn’t like it then a trip to the registry office is the other option. There’s no compromise that would protect you.

MaryDollNesbitt · 14/09/2018 16:36

You give him two options.

We can go to the registry office and get married.

I go back to work full time and focus on progressing my career for some financial independence, and we both split childcare costs and obligations 50/50.

DianaT1969 · 14/09/2018 16:47

My suspicion is that he'll respect your demand that he pays full childcare for the next 2 years, as you've been subsidising it for 4 years. Then split childcare costs 50-50. Work full time and save into a pension. You'll feel more in control of your life.

desperatesux · 14/09/2018 16:50

I was in a v similar position although I was 18 years later and I had made him 70% of his money (working in his business) yet had ended up in a position where he was v rich and all the assets /house etc were in his sole name . I had a good salary but really nothing to show for my contribution. I don't know how I let myself get in that position and look back and winder how naive and stupid I was as my career was seriously impacted working for him
I was luckier as where I live there is co habitation ledgistation so I would of got about 25% but it would of been taxed at 33%
I said we either get married or we were done, I had the work leverage though as I also threatened to quit
You need to find some leverage - if he won't marry you now he sure as hell won't in 10 years time (mine would of in the early days but I didn't want to then)
Mine too loved the financial inbalance as it gave him power and he knew I was in a weakened position.
You need to know where you stand. As a much wiser person here said, marriage doesn't matter when things are going well but it sure as hell matters when they aren't !

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 14/09/2018 16:57

Is the house being in joint names (joint tenants? Tenants in common?) enough to ensure its split fairly after a break-up?
Would there be significance ascribed to things like who paid more deposit, who paid more mortgage payments?

Original poster

SuzieSOS · 14/09/2018 16:57

As a child of a career driven mother who worked constantly as I was growing up I do not want to work full time. She was also terrible with money management however! I am very good with money but not particularly bothered with having it. I want the time with my children. I'm sure many will have opinions on this but it is how it is and nothing will make me change my mind having experienced a very absent mother growing up.

Right, I'm going to create another thread under a different username purely for DP who tells me over and over again that I'd be fine financially if anything happened to him/us.
Can you all please comment saying specifically why I am vulerable as an unmarried partner? I assume I would not inherit his half of the jointly owned property? Something he tells me repeatedly.

OP posts:

desperatesux · 14/09/2018 17:10

He might tell you that but all bets of are if he meets someone else. Then he has someone in his ear saying why are you giving her x y z
If he really feels that way he will marry you as then he is only giving you what he is currently promising
If you won't go back full time you need to get married or seriously re consider your position. However difficult it will be starting over now it will be infinitely harder in 10 years time

lemonadefloat · 14/09/2018 18:41

You seem to be thinking about if he dies rather than if he just leaves. In the former case you may be protected by wills and house being in joint names, but in the latter you wouldn't, other than a share of however much equity is in the house, but again he can argue he paid deposit/mortgage etc.
If you want to SAH with the kids do that knowing you may be utterly screwed if his head is turned. It's a risk and it may be one you're prepared to take, but in the meantime could you do something like study or voluntary or paid work that fits in around the kids but could give you a bridge to some sort of career in the future should you need it?
As for the car thing He's being an absolute arse.

AngelsSins · 14/09/2018 18:48

Well then things will never be equal, I’m sorry, but that’s the choice you’ve made. If you wanted this life, you really should have gotten married before kids.

The only option I can see is to start charging him for childcare. Convince him that you will go back to work or he pays you half the going rate for a full time cleaner, cook and nanny. Out of that you’d have to the pay a % of the bills of course, but either you’re a partnership or you’re not.

Mrskeats · 14/09/2018 18:54

I never understand why women have kids before they get married then complain. It's mad.

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