Shared finances- partner from richer background

[SuzieSOS]

I am not married.
I work part-time
We have 2 children together.
DP does not want to spend money on a wedding (its a waste) but won't go to a registry office either.
I have put my career on hold to bring up the children who are 4 and 1. I work 2 days a week.
My parents are poor and probably in loads of debt. I've no doubt they will be leaving debts rather than inheritance eventually. DPs family are quite wealthy.
He recently had some inheritance from a wealthy grand-parent and there are things I would like to do with the money to improve the house/family etc. But I feel I have no say over money at all as I don't earn as much or come from a wealthy background. His decisions always trump mine where money is concerned and I feel its all his money even though I'm losing out financially by working part-time.
House etc is in joint names, we have a Will and joint life insurance, pensions in each others name so I'm covered should anything happen to him but I'm just feeling like the weaker/inferior partner from a financial standpoint.
I don't know how to feel better about this? He recently bought a brand new car with some of the inheritance and he told me I can 'borrow' it once a week if I want to...
I feel like I've no financial rights and if I try to assert myself over it, he makes me feel like a money grabber. Although has never said this directly- just that I had nothing when he met me... but I do now!
I feel yuk about it all.
Legally, I think I'm covered should we part but Morally, what do you think my rights are financially as we have children together? We are not married.

Before anyone else judgementally and narrow mindedly spits out the "you should have married before children" card:

Before you know the background as to why, keep your opinions to yourself!!
The reasons why it HAD to happen this way are absolutely NONE of your business ans something I do not need to explain! And as I can't turn the clock back (and have no desire to) they are most unhelpful and actually insulting!

Back off.

She’s asked for opinions I think you will find

I think people are saying if you wanted the protection of marriage then you should have gotten married.

Exactly hecky
It’s not rocket science

Surely the concern is if he left you'd have nada apart from the house equity and standard child maintenance. After divorce isn't it taken into account what you've sacrificed.

But all that's irrelevant from my perspective- he's making you feel like a lesser person. If you were my best friend I'd be saying find yourself a career.

The reasons why it HAD to happen this way are absolutely NONE of your business

I'm genuinely wracking my brain to think of a situation where somebody HAD to have two children with someone (unmarried or not).

OP, you've put yourself in a stupid position, and have asked people to educate you as to why. No need to be arsey to those who are responding.

I think the brat thing to do is to go to an independent financial advisor and run through everything with them.

My friend recently split with partner of 7 years. He earned way more than her. They had a house together, with her having put in I think 10% equity and I can't remember all the ins and outs. They did have a clearly drawn up contract, and she still got absolutely shafted when they split and sold the house.

I think it's safest to say go to an independent advisor by yourself, will ask the documents, and get proper advice from somebody knowledgeable.

*best, not brat!

A financial advisor is a wise call... thanks Subspace.

Good stuff. Sorry I cross posted on your other thread, wasn't sure if you'd left this one entirely and felt it was important.

I don't think you have any protection really and can't see what a financial advisor will do aside from confirm that. But is protection from separation what you're after here? It's a valid point and something you should think about but it sounded more like you wanted advice as to your current situation rather than in extreme hypothetical cases? In which case...talk to him about it?

Actually read the last line again...morals are worth nothing, sadly.

Go back to work full time & split childcare costs and chores.

The reality is that you’re providing free childcare as things are and not building a pension or career - which you need

The reality is that you’re providing free childcare as things are and not building a pension or career - which you need

I'm not sure I agree. It depends on how they split expenses and bills. If they are each paying half then the OP is providing free childcare. However if he is paying a much lsrger share than she is he is in effect paying for her to be able to work part time and provide child care.

I do get your reasons for not wanting to work full-time, OP. My DM worked all hours running a language school and had a business phone and office at home so that even when she was at home she wasn't there for us. (And she wonders why we weren't able to tell us about abuse that was going on.)

I'm a SAHM to 2 adopted DDs with attachment issues, a full-time job would be out of the question for me. But I'm married and I have my own money, so it's different for me.

But working full-time doesn't have to make you an absent mum, it really doesn't. My DH works full-time and he has a very close relationship with our DDs. And I have friends who are full-time working mums and they're by no means absent mums. 'Quality time' can become a cliche but there is nevertheless a lot of truth in it.

As you are not married you are not entitled to anything of his - his savings, pension, assets.
If you jointly own the house ie it is in both your names with land registry you will be entitled to your share of that when it sells (any profits after paying off mortgage and fees) He could argue that you've contributed nothing financially to it but it's a weak argument.
So if you split you will have only that. Plus child maintenance for the children until they are 18. Usually x amount per day. Average figures are 7-10 per day per child, but it depends.
So you are in a very weak position. How will you find a house? With no job? When the children are of age then what? How will you support yourself?