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Original poster

New wife asking me to leave

42 replies

Mit141284 · 14/09/2018 13:45

Hi all,
I got married to my girlfriend of 5 years only a week ago. This early on, she has now turned around to me and said that she wants to leave me. I really dont know what to do here.

A bit of background here. She has a 9 year old child that has been in foster care for a year now. He suffers from ADHD/Autism/PDA and became harder to manage. Throughout the years, we have had run ins with the police due to his behaviour (throwing rocks at houses), being expelled from many schools, being thrown out of week long adventure camps and making up stories about my partner harming him to the police. He also has on occasion self harmed and run away from home too. Social services then got involved when he was thrown out and tried to run away from the adventure camp and placed him into foster care. The judge granted a full term care order and we have had visitation once every month for 2 hours.

Barring 1 occasion (which happened when my partner went into hospital with a ruptured appendicitis), we have been to supervised contact every single time and bonded with him through activities, taken him out, had a real sit down talk with him etc.

Next month my brother (who is also getting married) has planned a stag weekend which clashes with this contact. My partner does not like this and has told me to choose. When I asked for some flexibility only for that weekend, she told me to pack my bags and leave and that this will never work.

My partner has had and caused run ins with my whole family and does not like any of them, and has tolerated them, but will always in an argument bring up them and their ways.

I really do not know what to do here but I have been asked to leave her flat.

She made me give up my flat (and I did it stupidly 3-4 months ago), and she pestered me for marriage on a holiday to Canada (when I said we should work each other out a bit longer) and now 4 days into a new marriage she wants me to leave.

I really do not think this is fair but what do you guys think here as I am out of options.

OP posts:
fanfan18 · 14/09/2018 13:50

I'd leave now whilst you have the chance. She sounds pretty unreasonable.

MrsPinkCock · 14/09/2018 13:51

She sounds like an awful person, tbh.

If you sold the flat, take the proceeds and find somewhere else to live. Otherwise, find somewhere to rent.

Angelf1sh · 14/09/2018 13:57

Fundamentally it doesn’t sound like this marriage is going to work. It doesn’t sound like you wanted to marry her in the first place and she is being completely unreasonable about one contact visit when she will still be able to attend without you. I agree with the others and would break free whilst you still can. So early on into the marriage it’s not going to cost you anything in maintenance if you separate properly now. You might even be able to get an annulment if you’re lucky.

MulticolourMophead · 14/09/2018 14:02

She asked you to pack your bags and leave, to force you into doing what she wants. This won't work, I'd just leave if I were you.

Original poster
Mit141284 · 14/09/2018 14:18

I was all for marrying her and wanted it before she became intertwined with my family and to be honest both sides are hot-headed and I am disappointed and appalled at all their behaviors. My brother and sister in law have said things about her which I didnt agree with and made them apologise, and then she has said things about them without realising her mistakes, then my mum never went to see her while she had appendicitis because she lives outside London, and then my partner had a few harsh words to say about my mum etc.
The last year when her son went into foster care has affected her and myself in more ways you can imagine, but her accusation at me is always that I do not care and I put on a brave face and have no emotion despite me having done all I can behind the scenes. I do not know where to go from here.
I also remember when I have looked after the son when she went on her best friends hen party and her other friends spa weekend retreat birthday, both times she was excused but now I am not allowed to do this because I miss one contact.
I love her and that is why I married her and want this to work, but it feels like she and her son have the control on my life and I just have to follow. I have also been told that should contact increase to every week that I would be expected to drop everything to attend or else.

OP posts:
Musti · 14/09/2018 14:26

She sounds like a dick. 2 hours a month sounds like very little contact though - has something else happened?

Original poster
Mit141284 · 14/09/2018 14:37

The child was taken into care as he escaped the adventure camp at night and was quite a few hours away and we nor his absent father were unable to pick him up. After this the usual care proceedings were started and the case went to court after assessments were carried out by Social services on my partner. Social Services were granted the care order and soon after placed him into a longer term foster carer, who is about to pass him to another foster care family. The child's complex needs mean the current foster carer cannot have any other foster children while he is there.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 14/09/2018 14:42

Given the timeline, you would have been part of the SS assessments too, not just your partner.

There's a lot more backstory we're not being told here.

juneau · 14/09/2018 14:43

She sounds demanding, selfish and totally unreasonable. I'd cut your losses right now and apply for an annulment. If the marriage is over after less than a week I think you should be granted one.

Original poster
Mit141284 · 14/09/2018 14:53

@Bombardier25966 - What kind of backstory would you like to know?
I did feature in some of the questions from the SS assessments, e.g. what kind of role or figure do I play in the childs life, and I was in the child and mothers life, but I did not live with them, and wasnt asked to participate in any SS assessments. Yes, while the child was there I could have done a lot more in the 1st/2nd year of our relationship, I did do pick ups and drop offs to school, I did the childs homework with them, I did birthdays and holidays etc but that is not the full spectrum and I get that. Did I know how to deal with ADHD - No, I could have learnt how to do that.

OP posts:
DonkeyPlease · 14/09/2018 14:57

I feel there's backstory on your partners side, not yours.

I'd leave this situation op. She doesn't sound in the right space to be in a relationship. What do you get out of this marriage? It seems to be all about her and her son?

NotTheFordType · 14/09/2018 15:04

Is she controlling in other ways? Has she, for example, expressed displeasure at you spending time with your friends/colleagues/family? (I mean prior to this occasion.)

Do you think she has deliberately sought to drive a wedge between you and your family? Abusive partners often start by isolating their victim from their support network. And abuse often increases sharply after a wedding has taken place.

NotTheFordType · 14/09/2018 15:05

This checklist/quiz might help you see things more clearly.
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-young-adults/common-problems/quiz-am-i-in-a-controlling-relationship

Original poster
Mit141284 · 14/09/2018 15:05

There is a lot of guilt there about not being able to pick up her son from the adventure camp. She says she has therapy and has been doing it for close to a year, but I do not see anything. She says that the commitment I made during the marriage vows was towards her and her son, and I need to get into line and follow and prioritise them and their lives over mine or anyone in my family and that this should be the reason I give up the stag do and do not attend my brothers wedding next year if it falls on a contact centre date.
She has told me that I come fourth in the list of her priorities, after her son, herself and her brother. At the same time I am crucified for not making her number one.
I get that she is trying to get her son out of foster care, but she is using me and stringing me along to do that and now more then ever I can see that.
I have also been told that a career changing IT course that I want to do in the future, either in late 2019 or early 2020 (which spans several weekends) I will be jeopardising our marriage as I wont be there for her son, especially if contact falls on those dates or increases from once a month.
I think I was very stupid to walk down the aisle with her. I do not know what to do now but also it is quite terrible to walk away and face the shame after a few days from family and friends.
She also got the locks changed on me yesterday so that I could not enter the flat.

OP posts:
rumred · 14/09/2018 15:09

2 hours a month is very unusual. It suggests social care are concerned about the child being abused. Or the parents aren't interested. Most care arrangements are made with the aim of a child returning home and regular contact is part of this.
Whatever the back story your oh sounds troubled amd extreme. Perhaps get counselling for yourself to help end this relationship

Original poster
Mit141284 · 14/09/2018 15:14

@NotTheFordType - Previously she has expressed displeasure on a number of occasions, particularly if I have gone to see my brother for 2 hours and I am not back til after 3 of them.

She has started saying I have no boundaries with my family and that I do not keep them at arms length and become very passive and giving towards them and I was never like that with her son. I kept her away from my family for at least the first 3 years of our relationship as I did sense a bit of this might occur at the start, and now I have been proved correct, which is not what I wanted as I wanted them all to get on.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 14/09/2018 15:16

She changed the locks! Fucking hell.

OK you've got two options.
Legally speaking, the flat is now the marital home and it's not lawful for her to change the locks. You COULD, if you chose, ask the police to attend and give you entry.

However, it's pretty clear the relationship is over and as it's of such a short duration you would be best placed to go for an annulment as its much quicker and cheaper than a divorce. Even if you went for divorce instead, the relationship is so new that it's unlikely you'd be granted any part of the value of the flat or anything else she brought to the marriage - unless you could prove you'd materially contributed to the value (for example if you'd paid for a new kitchen to be installed.)

Given her irrational behaviour, if I were you I'd walk away and go completely no contact. Your family already know she's a wingnut and once you tell them she demanded you not attend your brother's stag party, they're going to give you a round of applause for leaving.

Ditto your friends - they probably secretly think she's a total nightmare but haven't said anything for your sake.

Original poster
Mit141284 · 14/09/2018 15:20

@rumred, my partners emotional wellbeing and her past was a factor in this. She was told to get help first. In some ways outside all this drama she was becoming more positive, starting work etc but in other ways, particularly around myself, her and her son she brings up and invents things and issues and problems that do not need to be brought up.

OP posts:
juneau · 14/09/2018 15:31

Actually, I'm going to add 'paranoid' and 'unhinged' to my list. OP, she's showing you the door - if you have any sense you'll head through it at a run.

DPotter · 14/09/2018 15:37

I can only agree with other pp - leave now.
I would however contact the social worker and explain what has happened and ask this information be passed on to your step-son. You have a relationship with him and he deserves an explanation.

SmellMyBeads · 14/09/2018 15:42

Omg. Do not minimise what she is doing! She's insanely controlling.

She's opened the door for you. Walk out and DO NOT turn back. Don't have any communication with her at all. She needs to get her life sorted, she has no room to love you, only use you.

MulticolourMophead · 14/09/2018 15:54

OP, this is abusive and controlling. I agree its worth letting the SW know, and not just for letting the child know. It'll add more background to the file.

HollowTalk · 14/09/2018 16:00

Does your wife use Mumsnet, OP?

Either way, it's clear this is an unhealthy relationship and I think you two should split up.

Fairylea · 14/09/2018 16:04

It seems incredibly sad that her son, who has such complex needs, was out throwing stones at properties and getting expelled from school- where was she during all this? My son is 6 and has very complex needs - autism (pda) and is very challenging but there is not a way in hell he would be out on his own to throw stones anywhere. He wouldn’t be safe out alone, at any age! I fought very, very hard to get him the help and support he needs, meaning he is now in a complex needs school and thriving. I am not a perfect parent by any means but having a child with complex needs throwing stones implies they were left to their own devices quite a bit and that in itself is concerning. A 9 year old with special needs needs constant supervision. The being expelled from school suggests his needs weren’t being met in school. I am wondering if that’s where some of the intervention came from?

It all sounds a bit of a nightmare. I would be wondering if you are best out of it all.

notapizzaeater · 14/09/2018 16:08

Id be running like mad to the hills, she's controlling you.