New wife asking me to leave

[Mit141284]

Hi all,
I got married to my girlfriend of 5 years only a week ago. This early on, she has now turned around to me and said that she wants to leave me. I really dont know what to do here.

A bit of background here. She has a 9 year old child that has been in foster care for a year now. He suffers from ADHD/Autism/PDA and became harder to manage. Throughout the years, we have had run ins with the police due to his behaviour (throwing rocks at houses), being expelled from many schools, being thrown out of week long adventure camps and making up stories about my partner harming him to the police. He also has on occasion self harmed and run away from home too. Social services then got involved when he was thrown out and tried to run away from the adventure camp and placed him into foster care. The judge granted a full term care order and we have had visitation once every month for 2 hours.

Barring 1 occasion (which happened when my partner went into hospital with a ruptured appendicitis), we have been to supervised contact every single time and bonded with him through activities, taken him out, had a real sit down talk with him etc.

Next month my brother (who is also getting married) has planned a stag weekend which clashes with this contact. My partner does not like this and has told me to choose. When I asked for some flexibility only for that weekend, she told me to pack my bags and leave and that this will never work.

My partner has had and caused run ins with my whole family and does not like any of them, and has tolerated them, but will always in an argument bring up them and their ways.

I really do not know what to do here but I have been asked to leave her flat.

She made me give up my flat (and I did it stupidly 3-4 months ago), and she pestered me for marriage on a holiday to Canada (when I said we should work each other out a bit longer) and now 4 days into a new marriage she wants me to leave.

I really do not think this is fair but what do you guys think here as I am out of options.

So you haven't until very recently been living together...
4 days in to marriage she is giving you ultonatums...

I would suggest that sadly you don't re ally know her very well (her doing not yours)

I would leave and apply for an anulment.

This situation and her attitude towards you are your future are not likely to improve.

Take a deep breath and go stay with family.

@fairylea, we had just got off the train and he wanted me to carry him on my shoulders. He is becoming more heavier and I said for myself and for his safety that this would not be a good idea. He then proceeded to pick up a stone off the floor and throw it at the nearest house window. I did tell him off and accompanied him to the police station so that we could report it. On the side of the mother, when it went to court, she banged on at the judge and solicitors about a special school to meet complex needs but it was not granted by the Local Authority who decided that foster care and a care order would best serve his needs. They decided the mother was not fit enough to deal with his complex needs. He was expelled from normal state funded primary schools and his needs were not being catered for there. He soon ended up in a pupil referral unit where he fell behind and was in there for the best part of 2/3 years.

The Local Authority is now telling us that he is slowly being reintegrated back into another primary school.

Gosh what a nightmare you are in.

Go stay at your mum's/family's/mates, and get the annulment sorted asap. You don't need her shit.

The sooner you leave the better, find somewhere else to live and begin disentangling yourself from the chaotic life you are being sucked into.

I can't see that this will ever improve, she is already trying to damage your career prospects by preventing you attending a course. Whenever she succeeds in stopping you doing something will seem like a victory to her, then she will move onto the next thing....

One thing is certain OP, if you stay in the relationship you will have an unhappy unsettled life.

@ HollowTalk, I think in the past she read a posting by another user on here to find some advice but she does not regularly read or post here.

I was a bit hesitant about coming onto these boards and posting as a guy but I wanted women, mothers who are in, have had relationships with guys or anyone else with very valid advice who are not the father of their children to give me their views and I am having some good stuff to think about here so thanks.

I feel like I am looking at a half-completed jigsaw with lots of missing pieces.
Presumably he didn't just throw a stone, he must have caused damage or injury for you to take him to the police.
Where were you all and how long were you uncontactable for when he ran away from camp?
So many questions, but you seem to missing out a lot of information.
However, I think your best option is to walk away from what sounds like a very toxic relationship.

Have you had sex with your wife since the marriage. Are you same sex marriage? If you have and are not same sex marriage you cannot apply for an annulment neither can you divorce until you have been married a year.

If you were a woman OP, telling us this stuff about your male partner, we'd say just the same as we're saying to you i.e. that your partner is abusive, a poor parent, manipulative and trying to drive a wedge between you and everyone else you hold dear. Your wife of four days is telling you that you have to put and her DS first, while telling you that you are down in fourth place in her list of priorities, banning you from attending events held by your family (and kicking you out of the house), and telling you that a training course you need to attend next year is unacceptable! She's a controlling, manipulator and no good will come of you staying with her. That advice would apply, regardless of whether you are a man or the woman in any relationship, whether straight or gay or anything else.

I have a friend who has been happily married to her husband for 17 years.

He was a divorcee. He split up with his first wife on honeymoon.

I am going to repeat the bit about him now being happily married for 17 years. Sometimes marriages really aren't meant to be. One week in to your marriage you should still be on Cloud Nine.

I also remember when I have looked after the son when she went on her best friends hen party and her other friends spa weekend retreat birthday, both times she was excused but now I am not allowed to do this because I miss one contact.

WTF? Why one rule for her and a different one for you? That is not fair.

I really think leaving would be the best thing for you in the long run. She sounds like she has massive control issues.

@ PerspicaciaTick, it caused damaged to a shed window on the nearest property causing it to smash. Correct me if I am wrong here but the most obvious thing to do in this circumstance aside from running away would be to go report it just in case someone gets hurt or face having the law on you.
During the summer holidays for 6 weeks he was sent on a 1 week adventure pursuits camp. On this camp they have things like ziplining, trampolining, horseriding, assault courses, climbing etc. These are all activities that the child likes to do and he would have rather done this then stay at home bored. This camp also claimed to have instructors/carers who dealt with autistic, special needs kids. Me and my partner were at work. He was accompanied by camp staff at all times.

Run, run for the hills now. Leaving the difficulties with the child aside, the other controlling behaviour is enough of a red flag. Take the opportunity you've been presented with.

I'm also a bit confused at the gaps in the story. If he threw a stone and damaged a shed window why didn't you knock on the person's door, apologise and offer to pay for the damage? Why go to the police?

I also know someone whose wife left him the day after they got back from honeymoon, even though they had been living together for years. He's now very happy with someone else. I would cut your losses and move on as soon as possible. This sounds like a mistake.

She's probably right in thinking she needs to focus on her own issues and being available for her son. You need to understand that a mother without her children will care about nothing else and will be very traumatised. If she expects you to be right there with her it's understandable but I agree it is expecting too much. You have a life of your own. Yes it was a mistake to go ahead with the wedding but honestly, people will be interested for a day and then forget about it. If the relationship is so riddled with problems, it is always a good thing to be free.

You kicked a nine year old boy with SN out?

You took him to the police station when he smashed a window ? When you could have just fixed it yourself?

Are you driving your wife to the contact Center? Can she go if your not there

I think there is an alternative story to this.

I feel very sorry for that little boy

She sounds like my bfs ex for the control part, and his sister in law for thee trouble causing with family. I would not live with either of those absolute demons for anything. Get out while shes given you chance. Do not get her pregnant whatever you do. Run.

She sounds absolutely ghastly. I’d run like hell if I were you.