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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me i'm doing the right thing

38 replies

JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 00:53

I know I am but tell me anyway

My husband has gone. I don't want him to come back. Here's some of tthe things that happened tonight from my 2 sides of A5 list

Threatened to slap me and take our 5 month old baby away multiple times (in the past has tried to break my arm, pulled my hair so much my whole scalp hurt, spat in my face, etc.)
Told me everyone around me (including him) ends up dead or an alcoholic (my ex killed himself a couple of years ago)
Collapsed and stabbed his wrist with a fork (my gut feeling is this was all for show as he recovered pretty fast after I phoned an ambulance)
Claimed he didn't stab himself with a fork.
Told me I am unfit to look after our son.
Accused me of cheating.
Blamed his MH issues on me.

I don't want him to come back but I do. I know this is an abusive relationship (thanks to mumsnet) this is not normal behaviour
I will not let my baby become him like he has become his abusive cunt of a dad. He's such a happy wee baby and I won't let anyone change that.

I am terrified because I know I have to see this through. I've known for a while but because I have had my own health issues I've been ignoring it.

please tell me what already know

i'm just procrastination hitting post now.....

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 14/09/2018 01:03

You're doing the right thing. So right. Keep him away from you and your son. Get a restraining order if the fucker comes anywhere near you.

Well done on getting him out!

pog100 · 14/09/2018 01:06

It is absolutely crystal clear that you are the one that is right-thinking here and it is essential that you get yourself and your child away from him. Very well done on recognising this, and yes, you must see this through.
Add to this post tomorrow, as it's 1am and not many will read it. You will gets lots of advice and support here then.
Good luck and well done!

Passingwords · 14/09/2018 01:08

Bloody hell Jarl, he's a danger to you, baby and himself. He should be looking after you both, not being emotionally and physically abusive towards you. When not doing that he is switching roles and instead of dominating you, he is vying for you to make him the centre of attention rather than baby. Whichever way you look at it he is not mature, will never be and is jealous of baby. He will start being abusive to baby in due course. You have to get away from him. Can you change the locks, phone WA, police for the physical abuse? Let your family and friends know what is going on, open up, they will help you and when you say it all out loud it becomes real and you force yourself to deal with it. He is history, make moves to a better life. Keep making lists of his behaviour so he can't get in your head to twist it. See a solicitor next week, plan your new life

cervy · 14/09/2018 01:16

Errr...yeah, you're doing the right thing. Just the first point was enough to know that!

Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 01:22

I have put the chain on the door. My dad was coming to visit tomorrow anyway. I feel so stupid for letting this go on for so long. I think I made up my mind subconsciously months ago when I asked if he thought his MH problems gave him the right to act like a cunt and he said yes.

OP posts:
Lucylugs · 14/09/2018 01:38

I'm so sorry for you having to deal with this situation but you are absolutely doing the right thing for you and for your lovely baby. I hope things will be better when your Dad arrives. Flowers

Passingwords · 14/09/2018 01:57

Don't beat yourself up. No one wants to give up on a relationship until we know it's beyond repair. It's also really hard to leave, emotionally, socially and financially and you have to be up for that and it's lots of work. Your body has just done the most amazing thing physically and grown a baby. Mentally you are adjusting to motherhood, it's all going on so cut yourself some slack, small but important steps, you sound really sensible and resolute, keep it up. You can do it.

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 14/09/2018 02:02

I have so much admiration for you. Must be so tough living like the. Well done for taking the first steps for freedom.

Try contacting women's aid as they can advise you as to next steps. Glad your dad will be with you tomorrow.

Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 03:07

Thank you everyone. Just endured him knocking on the windows, banging the door and threatening to call the police. He's gone again. I called bullshit. If his phone had battery he'd be phoning me constantly and he would never call police anyway. Probably realised that someone else would call them if he carried on banging on windows at 3am on a dodgy as fuck street

OP posts:
Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 03:09

Passing, everything you said makes sense to me

OP posts:
Lucylugs · 14/09/2018 03:14

Poor you OP. That must have been frightening. I hope you are ok and ds didnt wake. Would you phone police to report what has been happening so they have a record of it? I'm sure they're will be many more who can give better advice. I'm just replying so you don't feel alone.Brew

Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 03:56

Baby did not wake thankfully. I'm not phoning the police. Tonight will show how he is truly
. Whether his mh really is that out of control he'd do something stupid or if he is really more calm and collected than he makes out. I just want to sleep now but I'm jumping at every noise the boiler makes

OP posts:
Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 09:57

Today is a new day and I've never felt so alone

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/09/2018 10:08

Why would you not call the police? You need to get a record of this in case he continues to harass you.

What time is your Dad due to visit? You will be fine. He sounds dreadful and dangerous. You are protecting yourself and your baby and you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 10:21

He is supposed to come late morning early afternoon. I was too nervous to do anything I just sat in bed

OP posts:
BrokenLink · 14/09/2018 10:36

You are not alone. Have you got any plans for today? What would make you feel a bit better?

Passingwords · 14/09/2018 11:39

Broken, perhaps call the police and log everything, so that if it escalates they are already aware and the next incident is not the first in their eyes, they may need to see the pattern of behaviour. Don't be a prisoner In your home waiting for him to do something so,that you can react. Start planning. Where do you want to be, how can you achieve it, how long will it take? Can you then begin with something to move towards it today perhaps find paperwork to copy next week when the library is open or take pictures. Is it possible to legally get the locks changed so at least you can go out without him being there on your return? Tell your dad

Passingwords · 14/09/2018 11:43

Broken yes you are alone, but that's great he's off your back whenever he's not there and that's a good thing, you can start thinking about you and your baby rather than what he's going to do/ is doing/ managing him- having brain space for you is a positive you are just not used to it, but he will be back and that's making you unsettled

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/09/2018 12:01

Let us know when your Dad arrives so we know you have someone with you. And please tell your Dad everything.

Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 15:17

My dad has been but had to go. Told him everything, got food and coffee. Just had lock changed.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/09/2018 15:30

Great to hear the locks have been changed. How are you feeling now?

Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 14/09/2018 16:59

While I was out walking he climbed in back window which I stupidly left open. He phoned my dad asking why the locks were changed and got really angry when dad told him to get to fuck. Sitting in flat with curtains closed. My brother is going to come and stay tonight

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 14/09/2018 22:42

At least he did get to fuck. Hope he didn't do any damage while he was there...

Good lad, your brother. Keep safe.

NCNCNC123 · 14/09/2018 23:00

How are you doing?

Original poster
JarlBalgruuf · 15/09/2018 09:16

Doing OK thanks. Glad I'm not all alone here. He was calling and texting loads last night. I had to put phone on flight mode.

Thanks to everyone here. Reading your replies have kept my head right.

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