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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Starting to doubt he is the one... Am I over thinking?

30 replies

D2018 · 13/09/2018 20:23

I've been with my OH since April last year and we have had a handful of disagreements over this time. They are mostly about minor things but I feel he is too critical of me. I.e my house isn't clean enough, I'm not studious enough and I get angry too easily. I also think he is selfish and feel a bit like an afterthought as it's generally his schedule i have to fit in to.
I do have mental health issues which I'm seeing a psychologist about regularly. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with by feel like he wants me to be better than I am. He swears that's not the case but I still feel it. However we do have fun together, are sexually compatible and I do think I love him. We have talked about him moving in with me after Christmas and even marriage in the next few years but I'm starting to doubt he is the one. I spoke to my bestie and she says I seem happy with him but she doesn't think he is bringing out the best in me.
I'm almost 30 and really want a man I can settle down with and have kids so don't want to waste time with someone that won't last. Am I over thinking this or should I listen to these doubts?

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 13/09/2018 20:27

Listen to those doubts.

Listen hard.

Catsatrophe · 13/09/2018 20:31

Of course you're not over thinking..You are thinking. And you are thinking that he's not the one. And you are thinking correctly. Ditch.

FourRustedHorses · 13/09/2018 20:32

Are your mental health issues stable and have they been stable for the entire relationship period? Have they improved or declined?

If he just left Now, how would you feel? Relief? Sadness? Would you just crack on as you have done? Would you feel more relaxed that he’s not criticising you?

Does he help you tidy up or does he just come in critise then sit in what he deems to be mess?

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 20:35

There's no such thing as 'the one' but there is such a thing as the wrong 'un and he's it. No moving in.

HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 20:36

Don't settle for this! He's not the man for you.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 13/09/2018 20:36

Best advice I ever got about relationships is that the right person brings out the best side of you.

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/09/2018 20:37

ALWAYS listen to doubts before moving in with someone and becoming financially entangled. Your best friend's comment sounds like she doesn't think he's good enough for you: 'seem' happy; doesn't bring out the best in you.? Sounds like a very diplomatic way of saying you're not really happy and he's bad for you!

He sounds uber critical. Unless your house is an unhealthy pig sty it's none of his fucking business how clean it is. How studious you are? Again none of his fucking business. And not allowed to have feelings....... angry is YOUR feeling, you are 'allowed' to be. And I'd be angry with a selfish bf who makes me fit into his schedule and criticised me like that!

Fun times and good sex are only half of a relationship. The other half is acceptance, kindness, support and respect. Do you have that too? Because it doesn't seem so.

Original poster

D2018 · 13/09/2018 20:39

FourRustedHorses
It's better than it has been in years and he has definitely helped me feel more secure and helped me be calmer.
I would be upset and no doubt mourn the relationship. I do love him but just don't know if it's going to go the distance. It depends he does help out sometimes but seems to moan more than pitch in.

OP posts:

Original poster

D2018 · 13/09/2018 20:44

Thanks for the replies so far everyone.
I feel so conflicted. He is a good guy and i feel content wih him the majority of the time but he kinda makes me feel like I'm not good enough a lot which I can't deal with. Although I don't know if thats my insecurities and not his fault? I don't want to break up with him and regret it for years to come.

OP posts:

Lichtie · 13/09/2018 20:44

Simple questions;

is your house messy
are you a bit lazy and not applying yourself
do you get angry easily

If the answers are no then it's his issue, ditch him. If the answers are yes then clean up, roll your sleeves up and work on your anger anger issues.

I'm guessing the answers are no.

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 20:51

*Simple questions;

is your house messy
are you a bit lazy and not applying yourself
do you get angry easily

If the answers are no then it's his issue, ditch him. If the answers are yes then clean up, roll your sleeves up and work on your anger anger issues.*

Why should she? It's her house and her life, if he doesn't like it, he can sling his hook and find someone else. Why on Earth would you expect someone to change who they are for a man (or woman)?

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 20:52

He is a good guy and i feel content wih him the majority of the time but he kinda makes me feel like I'm not good enough a lot which I can't deal with.

Listen to yourself. You'll never regret ending it with someone who makes you feel this way. It's not on.

Usernc12 · 13/09/2018 20:56

I am messy & lazy. DH loves me regardless, if he made me feel bad, I'd not really see the point of the relationship. I don't need more criticism, I know my house is messy!

Do the goalposts move?

Original poster

D2018 · 13/09/2018 21:05

My house isn't dirty but probably a little untidy. I'm certainly not lazy I work, study and run a charity in my spare time. I do have issues with anger but am working on it and am improving. Can I ask how often other people argue? I don't have any experience of healthy relationships so don't know if it's normal to argue like once a month?

OP posts:

FourRustedHorses · 13/09/2018 21:08

Great to hear tour mental health is good and stable.

Considering your MH is good/Great right now and he’s still making you feel like you’re not good enough then cut your loses and move on.

The fact he moans more than helps says a lot. Imagine living with that.

He is telling you who he is. You need to listen.

LemonysSnicket · 13/09/2018 21:09

A good boyfriend is someone who makes you feel better about yourself. We're hard enough on ourselves- we don't need someone else to do it for us.
Oh and there is no 'one' but there are people who could be the best person for you

Eatmycheese · 13/09/2018 21:10

Someone that makes you feel as if you are t good enough is NOT a person to build your future with and hang your hopes and dreams on.

I say this with personal experience when I was a bit older than you. My life got a lot better afterwards.

AnaViaSalamanca · 13/09/2018 22:09

Wow I disagree with everyone here. Why don't you have an adult discussion with him and try to both improve yourself and also tell him you don't like criticism. None of what he has said is a crime in itself, and nobody can "make you feel" a certain way. You can only see if he is actually overcritical, or you are too sensitive to criticism. After over a year you should be close enough to resolve these things in a mature way. Relationships are difficult and you have to compromise and communicate properly. If you want the perfect relationship with the one, you will be single forever.

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 22:46

Relationships are difficult and you have to compromise and communicate properly

No, they're not. They are if you're with the wrong person. And no one needs to 'improve themselves' for another person. For themselves, as they see fit, great!

nobody can "make you feel" a certain way.

Of course they can! People who manipulate others, use certain forms of language or actions, have the patent ability to make others feel like shit.

The OP says he's selfish, she feels like an afterthought, she has to fit in with his schedule, he makes her feel bad about herself.

That's more than enough.

DonkeyPlease · 14/09/2018 02:24

If you feel like this after a year or two, there's really no point. Move on.

My partner and I have argued maybe 2-3 times in three ish years. All three were misunderstandings where one of us said something that the other took personally without understanding what was really meant. All three lasted less than 30 mins, involved no hard feelings and resolved with a hug and moving on.

It's really not meant to be this hard op. Honestly.

FoldyRoll · 14/09/2018 02:32

The starry eyed, lust fuelled stage of relationships lasts 18 months, after which couples tend to discover whether they're compatible in the long term and can exist together as companions, or the scales fall from their eyes and they split up. Last April is 17 months ago....

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 14/09/2018 02:47

Relationships are difficult and you have to compromise and communicate properly.

Relationships aren't difficult. Life is difficult.

If you're in a relationship with the right person, it shouldn't be difficult. It should be easy. Of course life will throw hurdles in your way, and if you suffer from mental or physical illness, or a bereavement, or you lose your job, then yes, your life will be difficult for a while and that could take a toll on your relationship.

But as a general rule, when nothing else is going wrong in your life, your relationship should be easy and you should be having fun together.

Prettyvase · 14/09/2018 05:29

Red flags op, all over the place.

Ignore at your peril.

How DARE he criticise you in your home!

How can you DTD with someone who is selfish, rude and so disrespectful to you?!

category12 · 14/09/2018 05:48

Don't stay with someone who makes you feel like you're not good enough.

It will chip away your self-worth.

DownTownAbbey · 14/09/2018 06:45

If you have kids with this man the criticism will only get worse. He thinks you're house is untidy now? Wait until you're run ragged by a baby with washing piling up and puréed pear up the walls!

He thinks you're lazy now? What will he accuse you of when you've been up all night with a teething baby and you're too tired to do anything?

He squeezes you into his schedule now? I bet things wouldn't alter for a baby. Does he have friends he prioritises, hobbies he spends hours doing or work long hours? His current attitude shows zero indication that he'd change for a baby.

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