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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so crap any advice appreciated

28 replies

Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 11:15

Hi i have 3 young children and a partner who is their dad. Over the last few years things have been getting worse, he talks to me awaful calls me names, useless, fat, lazy and much much more shouts at me. Our sex life is dead and i think thats due to him suffering prem edjac which has resulted in me just being left very frustrated and i dont want sex with him anymore but thats also to do with the way he speaks to me. We are not even friends anymore, he works such long hours so is rarely home.
I was feeling really frustrated and down through lack of connection and joined a married dating site which i know was so wrong. I met up with a guy a few times just for sex, exciting different sex, he wanted to please me and i wanted to please him. This was all it was and nothing more as we were both commited to other people.
Shall i end my relationship with my partner? He doesnt know what i have done, this would hurt him obv.

OP posts:
WasFatNowThin · 13/09/2018 11:24

You might be slated for the OM, but I don't blame you.
Get out of your marriage, start to make the life you want and want for your children.

Creeper8 · 13/09/2018 11:28

Never an excuse to cheap. You're unhappy so end it, not cheat!

Creeper8 · 13/09/2018 11:29

Cheat *

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2018 11:34

I don't understand why you don't just split up instead of shagging around?

Your relationship sounds dead in the water to be honest.

Tighnabruaich · 13/09/2018 11:58

Are you married or living together? I'm not judging or condemning, but it's better to end the relationship first before doing any more cheating. It doesn't sound like much of a happy partnership, maybe you should set yourself free and then find someone who will cherish you.

Original poster
Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 12:04

I expect to be slated for the other man i really do. I have never cheated on anyone and had not planned on ever being that sort of women but it has happened now and i cant take that back. I am very unhappy but i think the reason it has got to this is because i dont want to split my family up. Our relationship isnt healthy for our kids i know this but its just hard. Thanks for all of your advice. Im not a horrible heartless person i have just been pushed past my limits

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 13/09/2018 12:05

It's not just unhealthy for the kids, it's unhealthy for you. He is wearing you down - why stay longer? So that he can ruin more of you?

Original poster
Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 12:08

I am worn down im so low and cant take much more but i just dont want to split our family up. Its soo sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 12:12

We are not married but living together with 3 young children

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 13/09/2018 12:30

It's so sad but isn't there the real possibility he will start taking it out on dc as time goes on? As well as modelling that nastiness is what love is and that they shouldn't respect mummy because he doesn't

Babdoc · 13/09/2018 12:38

OP, you are being abused. If you stay in this shit relationship you will not only be ground down and miserable for the rest of your life, but you will bring your kids up to think this is normal.
Do you really want your kids to seek partners like this? Have marriages like this? Because they will, if you don’t split up this travesty of a “happy family”.
Please have the courage to end this relationship, don’t just prop it up by using extra marital relationships as a relief valve.
You really deserve better than a lifetime of misery. Good luck!

Rebecca36 · 13/09/2018 12:43

I don't blame you but, honestly, a man not being able to keep an erection/ premature ejaculation is not the end of the world. That can happen at any time. Imagine how your man feels about it.

Try some tantric, you'd be surprised how exciting that can be. You also might find his verbal abuse will stop if he feels loved. It takes two to tango.

ErickBroch · 13/09/2018 13:02

No horrible comment from me, but you need to either fess up and work through it if he wants to, or leave. It's not fair for your entire family to carry it on, especially if it comes out as your children don't need that.

Adora10 · 13/09/2018 13:08

his was all it was and nothing more as we were both committed to other people.
Oh yeah, sounds like it.

Why do people do this, why can't you just end your current shit relationship and show your kids that verbal abuse is not normal, no, instead you go online and shag about, that's lovely. Do the right thing, you are behaving just as bad as him.

Joe66 · 13/09/2018 13:14

The problem isn't the p e it's his response to it. He could have been loving and carried on with stimulating op after his e but presumably he didn't and to be frank it sounds as though he checked out of the relationship a while back. If there is a sexual problem and he won't engage by getting sexual counselling what can op do? OP, put yourself first and check out of this. You will be able to manage on your own, and may find a better relationship along the way with somebody else.

MorrisZapp · 13/09/2018 13:18

You have three young children and the energy to seek and engage in extra marital sex?

You're a better woman than me.

Original poster
Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 13:47

Of course i do know that pe is not the end of the world but years of not being satisfied would surly get to anyone? But there has been no effort to please me before or afterwards. Women have needs to

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 13:49

I have also talked to him about it and spoke to our doctor but he is not interested in going

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 13:50

Morriszap u have made me laugh in this horrid situation

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 13/09/2018 13:50

If a man started this thread he'd be getting alot more shit and no understanding. If you don't want to be with him , leave, there's no good reason to be a cheater

Adora10 · 13/09/2018 13:52

Agree Trinity, pissed me right off a man is slated but a woman is oh poor you, no wonder, not right.

Original poster
Confusedmummyhelp · 13/09/2018 13:52

Yes i understand men get a rough deal and im not saying what i have done is right as i know diff. Im just trying to work out if my relationship is worth fighting for

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/09/2018 13:53

Of course i do know that pe is not the end of the world but years of not being satisfied would surly get to anyone? But there has been no effort to please me before or afterwards. Women have needs to

Then leave OP, don't lie and cheat.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2018 13:55

What Babdoc wrote earlier.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what examples did you see?.

What are you getting still out of this relationship now?. What keeps you with your abuser; fear of him, fear of the unknown, money worries, your kids?. None of these factors are good enough reasons to stay and he will destroy both you and your kids in the end.

You and he and showing your children a model of an abusive relationship in which you are being abused by him. They will grow up thinking this loveless relationship is their norm too and could well become abused or abusive themselves. This is no legacy to leave them, it really is not.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. Your happy family unit is anything but. You are not the only one affected by his abuse here, they are too. Consider them too in all this rather than just getting your own sexual release needs met. I also think that if he found out he could well turn violent physically.

Are you really this scared of your bloke here that you would rather cheat and stay with him than make a complete break?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2018 13:57

And no your relationship is not worth fighting for and such thoughts echo the "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships that causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. So called "fighting for your relationship" is a big fat lie that some women and men have bought into at great cost to their own selves as you have and are seeing.