How to deal with dp's strange and hurtful behaviour

[Mopsy]

This might turn out to be a rant but any advice and comments would be very welcome.

Lots of you know my situation from the 'scaring boyfriend away with marriage talk' thread a while ago. Thanks to your advice I was able to leave the topic alone, thinking that he knows how I feel, and if he ever feels the same he'll let me know. Since then things have been really good, happy and harmonious. We've even begun to plan spending a month in India next year to celebrate his 40th birthday and are due to go on holiday next week.

He's now done something that I'm finding very hard to understand, and I don't know what to do about it.

A couple of months ago he received an invitation to his cousin's wedding - we were both invited. We talked about whether or not to go, as it was happening at the same time as a local 3-day music festival we had talked about attending. We talked through logistics and agreed what we'd do, and let the cousin know we'd both be coming.

Neither the wedding or the festival have since been mentioned, and I didn't know the dates, just some time 'in the summer' so wasn't worrying, dp likes organising things and I assumed things were fine.

Then last night he was supposed to come over, and he didn't turn up, no explanation. Feeling confused I eventually went to bed. This morning I emailed him just to say that it was a pity our arrangement had fallen through, and that it would have been considerate to have phoned.

He called later while I was out of the office and left an apologetic message, saying he'd try again later. He also replied to my email apologising, and saying 'maybe he'd been feeling guilty about doing things without me and found it hard to talk about them'. So I was left thinking 'what things'??

I sent an email back to say that I didn't have any problem with him doing things without me (we both go out and do our own things regularly), and that I also don't expect him to give me blow-by-blow accounts of what he does.

This evening I've been out pruning bits of escaping garden and he turned up to see me. His sister was in his car, as was obviously camping gear. He said he'd just come to say that 'they were off, and that he'd see me on Monday'. I stood there like a lemon obviously surprised and asked whether he was going to tell me where he was going or was it some kind of secret. He looked very troubled and said he was going to the festival, and then to his cousin's wedding. I felt really odd, as if I've been living on some parallel universe, and said 'oh, so I'm not coming then'. He looked like he was going to cry and walked back up the road and drove off without saying anything else.

What do I make of this? I'm really confused, hurt, angry, you name it. Part of me just feels this is totally unacceptable, but I don't want to end the relationship. I could really do with some advice about what to say to him.

thank you, Mopsyx

The obvious reaction would be that it doesn't look good but, then first impressions can be misleading. You say that he looked like he was going to cry as he walked away, so that could be a good way to start i.e. you looked upset the other day what was wrong? etc. and go from there using open non acusatory questions to get him talking. Although you will be dying to say why did you go with out me?, why did you not tell me? etc. he will prob get defensive and close up. Thats the way I've been taught to approach things in my job, however it's easier said than done. It sounds just the sort of thing my ex would of done, and I hadn't learnt my skills then and always scared him off.

Opps sorry meant to say thinking of you and good luck.

Mmmm, I have to agree, it doesn't look too good. Pity he can't come straight with you. I'm sorry to say that it looks like maybe he wants a split and you might want to start life again as a singleton. Shit happens I'm afraid and you may never know the reasons why he has done this. Give yourself a few days to try and come to terms with it. Post on Mumsnet lots if it helps. I'm really sorry Mopsy, I really am.

Mopsy

Sorry to hear he has been an inconsiderate bd. I do despair at most of the rest of my sex and wonder why we haven't all driven women into the arms of each other and been replaced totally for the lack of attention that we pay and the lack of forethought that most show.

Hope you manage to sort things out with him.

Mopsy you really do need to talk to him and see what's going on. Do your best to remain calm and non-accusatory (at least at first!!) because I think some sort of explanation would help to sort things out in your mind for better or worse. The question going through my mind is why did he come by at all - he could have just gone without letting you know.

Anyway here's wishing you all the best and like Rhubarb says post on Mumsnet. Sorry can't be of more help.

Oh, horrid for you. I send lots of sympathy - what a strange and weird thing to happen out of the blue. I don't really have much sage wisdom, but just wondered if you could find lots of totally interesting and exciting things to do in place of the trip. Just so that when he returns, then you've some news of your own lovely weekend, with its picnics/trips to the seaside/visits to interesting places/concerts etc. That would certainly be my reaction - however bad I felt inside, I'd go out and really, really push to have at least a reasonable time. And I'd buy something new for myself, or for the house, something solely 'treaty' for me. Enrol on an interesting course/read a fantastic book - forget about him for the weekend, and tell him all your news when he returns, because if he can coolly trot off like that, and be all unexpected, then so should you!

thanks for the suggestions....I just wish I didn't have to wait until Monday to start understanding what's happened, it's pretty unbearable. I keep wavering between two points of view: to end it now and refuse to tolerate being played with and hurt like this, or secondly to have faith in the strength and happiness we have and see it as an out of character strange blip which will be explained when I see him.....

Thanks for listening. x

Mopsy is this turn of events completely out of character? Or do you feel things have been building up to something? Is he a bit dim in the social skills department?

Seems his behaviour was pretty "off" on two counts- first for not turning up last night as arranged and giving no explanation, and secondly going off without you to the wedding and the festival for which you had a prior arrangement to attend together.

If any of my friends did this to me I would think it pretty odd and ask them what was going on ( calmly!) at the first opportunity.
I don't think the fact he is your boyfriend makes it any more acceptable.

I really don't believe in any kind of game playing ( of the not appearing to care variety) about these things just because it involves a man.

How significant is his sister in all this? Do you get along well with her? Was the plan for the three of you to go to the wedding and/or festival together or was it a surprise to you that she was suddenly involved in this scenario? I ask this because my ex dh has a sister I got on very well with on one level but on another she was a bit of a "mixer " and seemed to enjoy sticking her oar in and creating problems between us.
This is a horrid situation for you and the sooner he gets back and gives you some kind of an explanation the better.

Keep posting here if you need to chew it over a bit more.
What are your plans this weekend?
Do you always spend weekends with your boyfriend?
.

Just read on another thread...at least you won't have to put up with his farting - in - a tent- routine this weekend.

I think that his behavior is totally unacceptable, whatever the reason. If he had a problem, he should have discussed it with you. And the fact that he didn't and showed up with his sister in the car is really cowardly and passive aggressive. Are you sure this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life (or even one more week) with. You deserve better treatment and more respect. Would you accept that from a friend? Why is it ok from a partner? Sorry to rant, but I got a lot of that from my first husband and if I hadn't been so young when I met him, I might have spotted the trend way before we ever got married. It wasn't until he left me that I realized that I deserved (and could get) better.

SofiaAmes would you please explain to me exactly what is meant by the term "passive aggressive" . I have a fair idea from the context but I don't have an exact definition and would like to add it to my repetoir!
I keep reading it on American websites
Thanks

The only person who really knows the answer is him, so you are going to have to ask him.

Keep calm when you talk to him, if you can! Men are weird aren't they? I once spent a whole evening with a guy who treated me like s**t in front of his friends all night. They all offered me a lift home, but I REFUSED - what was I like??? He then went on to dump me at the end of the evening. But then I don't suppose you need to hear this - sorry

Good luck, and let us all know how you go.

jasper, I think the term comes from some phych guru who wrote a book or something about personality types. Passive aggressive is when someone intends to make you feel like s**t, but doesn't do it in an aboveboard manner. My first husband would do something like refer to my favorite tutor at architecture school as "what's his name". It was his way of belittling my success at school, by pretending to not care enough to remember my tutor's name (when in fact it was a simple easy to remember name - john). Aggressive aggresive behavior would have been to openly complain that he didn't like my furthering my education. In Mopsy's case, her dp didn't call her up and say I'm so over you that I'd rather go to the wedding/festival with my sister. Instead he drove by her house at the last minute with his sister, to make sure that she knew he was doing it, but couldn't do anything about it as the sister was there and they were already on their way.

Thanks for the explanation SofiaAmes.
What a useful term! I fear I shall start identifying passive aggressive bahaviour from those around me.
It certainly fits your dp Mopsy.
How are you feeling?

Carogee

I would never inflict any of my brothers on people that I liked or even ones I have just met. I reserve them for people I really dislike.

I do have friends but alas all the good ones are already taken.

And after the Religious debate I have had to stop walking on water due to copyright infringment.

Mopsy, sorry you're going through this.

This is another possible interpretation of events: due to logistics/lift arrangements/ social obligation he has to attend the festival if he is to attend the wedding. Unfortunately there is a person or persons at the festival/wedding who he does not want you to meet jsut now. Probably someone from his past - not suggesting he has a secret love interest. By the time you are 40 years you carry a lot of baggage - chances are he has glossed over some of his history. Knowing this person/s is there he couldn't invite you, but feels relly upset about the deception, hence coming to see you before he leaves, saying he'll see you on Monday and tears in his eyes.

Hope you manage to have a good weekend, lots of treates for yourself, so you have lots of positive news to tell your dp when you see him next. If it was me, I'd be on the phone asap to my most social friends or even any friendly ex boyfriends to fix up something fun for sat/sun.

You've had lots of great advice about how to talk to him when he returns. This in tandem with your news of your fun weekend should hopefully keep things from getting too heavy for him.

I don't know what else to say, but good luck!

PS thanks for the messages on passive agresssion - I've always wanted to know exactly what this means, too.

Sorry this might have been said already &/or may not be very helpful, but the fact that his sister was there show some planning, don't you think. I mean a 3 day festival - you've got the buying of the tickets (usually, but not necessarily, I suppose) in advance, all the shopping & packing, making sure you're (and sister) is free, accepting the wedding invite. Sounds like he's done a lot behind your back. Don't want to rub your nose in it, honestly, I would feel sick if it had happened to me, and we're adults, presumably living adult lives, not teenagers running amock not giving a s**t about anyone else's feeling. (No wish to offend any teenagers or parents thereof - I'm sure there's plenty of wonderful mature ones out there who wouldn't dream of behaving like this).

I'm sorry, Mopsy, I don't know how many kids you have or their ages. I mean, how did they fit into the festival.wedding picture? As a kid, I had a pretty stroppy step dad, I remember on several occasions, we'd literally be in the car ready for a fortnight's holiday or even just a day trip out, and him & mum would have a massive row, he'd turn the engine off, and that was it, no holiday/trip. I still remember how crushingly disappointing that was, es[ecially as I didn't understand why. I suppose what I'm saying, is, as I think someone else has, is no matter how sad & hurt you are, there may also be a little kiddy who's also very confused & hurt. I don't know, sorry, as I don't know youir parental situation.

He shouldn't be allowed to mess you around like this, or the kid(s). And turning up at the very last minute with sister must have been humiliating for you and was really bloody cowardly of him.

So sorry, let us know, if you want, how it goes. Thinking of youxxx

Mopsy, when he returns, I would muster up all the confidence I possibly could, and have a very direct conversation with him. Even if you are feeling very low, try to sound as though you are in charge of the situation and ask him some direct questions about what is going on, and maybe tell him how you don't appreciate the way you are being kept in the dark and that the least he can do is be honest with you. I would probably even let him know that I wasn't going to hang around any more if this is the way he is going to treat you. I realise how hurt & upset you must be feeling, but having been in a similar situation once before (well, not exactly, but I was being messed around by someone who couldn't seem to decide what they wanted), and I found that the direct & confident approach worked a lot better than getting upset and pouring out all my feelings to him. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how awful it can be. Best of luck Mopsy.

I have just phoned him on his mobile as I don't see why I should be suffering and wondering about all this all weekend.

I was very calm and matter of fact, told him that I was very confused, hurt, angry and upset about what he'd done, and needed an explanation. He explained that he decided not to bring me to the festival or the wedding because he wanted to camp, then go directly to the wedding this morning and he knew I didn't want to do that - when we'd talked about this some time ago I'd said we ought to stay the night in a b&b so I could get ready 'properly' (decent shower, grooming and nice clothes) for the wedding.

Logistically the festival venue is halfway to where the wedding is and timings made it impossible for him to consider driving back this morning to collect me - I did point out I could have made my own way there (I don't have a car but it's on a train route) or even met him at the wedding.

I did say to him that he is perfectly within his rights to decide to do something alone/with someone else, I don't expect to be a constant fixture carted around to everything. The problem is that he did invite me to these things, we discussed them in detail, then I'm left to work out for myself that he's gone and fixed up something entirely different.

I described his behaviour back to him and asked whether he would find it acceptable to be on the receiving end of it from anyone, me, friend or family, to which he said he wouldn't. He apologised and said he knows he has a problem with communicating what he's doing, he charges around doing what he wants without enough thought of how others around him are affected. I replied that in a supposedly mutually respectful and loving adult relationship this behaviour is entirely unacceptable and to me is actually the behaviour of someone who doesn't feel love or respect. He got a bit pathetic and said 'I do respect you, I do love you.....' to which I said that it's how you treat someone that counts. I could say 'I love you' every 5 minutes but if I treated you like s**t it means nothing.

Frankly I feel a 39 yo should have learnt this about 20 years ago but there we are, monkey your comment about teenagers' behaviour is spot on.

He said he feels we obviously need to talk about his communication problem and will ring me as soon as he's back on Monday.

I feel better for having made contact but am still very p*ed off. I'm glad I made it clear that this kind of thing is unacceptable and kept my dignity by not whingeing or crying or shouting. It's such a load of unnecessary and unfathomable crap, it really is.

Thanks for all your support and help, sorry for waffling. love Mopsy x

Mopsy I'm so proud of you, you're a proper grown-up! I would have lost it, I'm sure.
Only you can decide where the two of you go from here, how to handle this problem.
For what it's worth, I've been married for 21 years, and we STILL have communication difficulties at times, compounded by the fact that there are 4 kids in the equation too.
The problem is, it takes quite a lot of energy to be a skilled and effective communicator.
Maybe your dp only realised all the ramifications of the trip after he'd asked you, and didn't see how to sort things out, so hoped it would all go away.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but there are a lot of people who don't know how to deal with problems any other way.
Maybe you are the woman to teach him!

Wow! What an incredibly impressive way to deal with such an awkward situation. I'm so glad you've re-established some sort of communication (and with you in control, too). Just wanted to wish you all the best for your face-to-face discussion, to hope you have a reasonable weekend anyway, in spite of situation, and to say I'm completely impressed with the rational, nice, and honest way you've handled it so far!!!

wow Mopsy, i'm impressed. There's a big difference between feeling mistreated and actually telling the person that their behavior is unacceptable, especially in a calm manner. Good for you. Now take your dd (?) and go out and treat yourself with the money you would have spent on something for the wedding!