How to deal with dp's strange and hurtful behaviour

[Mopsy]

This might turn out to be a rant but any advice and comments would be very welcome.

Lots of you know my situation from the 'scaring boyfriend away with marriage talk' thread a while ago. Thanks to your advice I was able to leave the topic alone, thinking that he knows how I feel, and if he ever feels the same he'll let me know. Since then things have been really good, happy and harmonious. We've even begun to plan spending a month in India next year to celebrate his 40th birthday and are due to go on holiday next week.

He's now done something that I'm finding very hard to understand, and I don't know what to do about it.

A couple of months ago he received an invitation to his cousin's wedding - we were both invited. We talked about whether or not to go, as it was happening at the same time as a local 3-day music festival we had talked about attending. We talked through logistics and agreed what we'd do, and let the cousin know we'd both be coming.

Neither the wedding or the festival have since been mentioned, and I didn't know the dates, just some time 'in the summer' so wasn't worrying, dp likes organising things and I assumed things were fine.

Then last night he was supposed to come over, and he didn't turn up, no explanation. Feeling confused I eventually went to bed. This morning I emailed him just to say that it was a pity our arrangement had fallen through, and that it would have been considerate to have phoned.

He called later while I was out of the office and left an apologetic message, saying he'd try again later. He also replied to my email apologising, and saying 'maybe he'd been feeling guilty about doing things without me and found it hard to talk about them'. So I was left thinking 'what things'??

I sent an email back to say that I didn't have any problem with him doing things without me (we both go out and do our own things regularly), and that I also don't expect him to give me blow-by-blow accounts of what he does.

This evening I've been out pruning bits of escaping garden and he turned up to see me. His sister was in his car, as was obviously camping gear. He said he'd just come to say that 'they were off, and that he'd see me on Monday'. I stood there like a lemon obviously surprised and asked whether he was going to tell me where he was going or was it some kind of secret. He looked very troubled and said he was going to the festival, and then to his cousin's wedding. I felt really odd, as if I've been living on some parallel universe, and said 'oh, so I'm not coming then'. He looked like he was going to cry and walked back up the road and drove off without saying anything else.

What do I make of this? I'm really confused, hurt, angry, you name it. Part of me just feels this is totally unacceptable, but I don't want to end the relationship. I could really do with some advice about what to say to him.

thank you, Mopsyx

Mopsy, I'm so sorry, what a shitty way to behave. I definitely agree that you should spend the rest of the weekend doing something that you will enjoy. I'd be tempted to go on a flirty girls night out or something, but I don't suppose this is a very adult way to behave! But if you do something nice it might take your mind off it a bit and show him that you weren't just sitting around pining all weekend. Good on you for telling him that this is unacceptable because it damn well is. And well done for keeping your temper and telling it like it is. talk about it here as much as you like!

Mopsy - I'm so glad you had the courage to ring him - I remember well the horrible impotent feeling of having to wait to find out what was happening - I think you almost always feel better for having taken control whatever the outcome.

There have been an awful lot of us saying what a shit dp has been - and yes he has behaved in an incredibly hurtful way BUT that doesn't automatically mean that he doesn't love you. I can think of some horrid, horrid things that dh said to me during our biggest trauma ( before dd came he didn't think he wanted children but was prepared to have them cos I wanted them - this in itself was a horrible enough situation but was compounded by 2.3 years of my failure to conceive/3 miscarriages - during which time he said some incredibly hurtful things on occasion)- but I did eventually manage to get him to unpackage it all eventually to a sufficient extent for me to sort of understand where it came from. ( wouldn't you know his mother had a lot to answer for!)
Yes dp has a lot of explaining to do - but you sound as tho you were getting on really well prior to this which doesn't point to him wanting to end it. If you still hope for a future with him then do think hard and try and plan your approach to your conversations with him - as Carrieboo said, the things one might really WANT to say might be those most calculated to shut down communication and leave you feeling frustrated.
Bon courage - hope it gets sorted out soon
Bayleaf xx

Mopsy, what did you need all this (excellent) advice for? I can't believe how well you kept your head and went through the arguments with him when you made contact. More than I could have managed...I think what you said to him was so spot on, and like SofiaAmes, I do feel that showing up with his sister in the car was particularly low. I wonder what she makes of all this? Is she aware of how he has let you down, and of her own role in the weekend's events? You'd like to think not. I hope you do something really nice just for yourself this weekend, you certainly deserve it.

Good on you Mopsy for staying in control. As you say, why should you have to suffer in anticipation?

What did we all do before mobile phones were around?

I think it's interesting (insensitive too, of course) that he came round to see you before he left and kept his mobile phone on so you could contact him while he was away. It would have been so easy to turn it off. Despite him saying he has problems communicating, on another level it sounds like he wanted you to know - even wanted a confrontation with you. A case of passive aggression or testing the boundaries (not meaning to equate him with a toddler).

Whatever, he'll have plenty of time to think about what he'll say to you on Monday. Good luck - hope all goes well and you keep hold of that calm, adult and controlled feeling till then.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support everyone, it means so much to me

I had a fantastic afternoon and evening yesterday; I took dd into town and spent a fortune on new farm animals and playdough - she was absolutely over the moon - then she went to a friend's house and I went to a reflexologist for the first time.

I can't begin to describe how utterly blissful and brilliant it was....having 'interviewed' the therapist I've decided to train - there's an excellent local 1y course that starts in September. Another string to my bow; I might be asking for business name suggestions just like Pupuce soon. Any ideas?

Was woken up by my mobile ringing at around midnight, from the display I could see it was the old git. I answered, to find it appeared to be an accidental call while the phone was in his pocket as I just got loads of racket and barely intelligible conversation....cretin. Had a quick cry because I realised I'd hoped he was ringing to say something drunk-but-lovely and was sorely disappointed!

Tigermoth you're so right, it is exactly like a little child testing the boundaries. I don't want another child, I want a man!!! Mx

well done Mopsy - what a git your dp is. Don't know if it'll help, but my dp used to do things like this for the first few years of our relationship, but we're fine now - I guess he grew up. Hope yours does too!

Lucy can you tell me more about how you used to deal with it? thank you M x

Well I used to get really upset, get on the phone to my mum or a close friend and moan about it for hours. It did help, but as my mum only heard about dp when he was being a bastard, he had a very low opinion of him until recently (in retrospect I should have made a point of telling her the good stuff too.) I also used to get very upset with him, and we'd end up screaming at each other.

He never did anything quite as big as your dp, but would often do things like sod off with his mate when we were on a night out with only a simple "bye" (and later he'd explain that there was some reason he had to do it. sometimes the reason was that he had some "thinking" to do about our relationship).

Like I say things are fine now and this, I think is mostly because I finally learned to mention these things calmly and then leave the subject alone. Getting wildly upset and (occasionally) screaming at him made the situation continue longer than it would otherwise have done, which is why I'm impressed at your calm handling of this. You can't change 'em, as they say - well no, but you can prevent them from getting worse and perhaps precipate a change that would have happened at some point anyway (if you see what I mean). My dp was at his worst when he had vague worries about commitment, and I don't like to guess, but this could be the case with your dp (it sounds like you don't live with him - are you nearly at that stage?), but again all you can do is wait and let him sort it out himself as he probably will.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing - letting him know you're upset without getting all confrontational and leaving him to it. The more you try to push him, the longer he will take to realise what a prat he is / make his decision (if that is the case and he is anything like my dp). It's a horrible time but if you get through it as we did I think you will have a stronger relationship as a result (does that sound odd? I really think that the fact that we - actually he - tested the limits makes us stronger. )

Good luck and enjoy your Sunday!

I'm so impressed with all the calmness and reasonableness thats going on here!

In my previous life, my ex-dh used to take me out for a drink, pretend to be going for a wee - even to the point of leaving a cigarette burning in the ashtray - and then go outside, get in his car and drive off to see his other woman - leaving me completely stranded miles from anywhere. (I was young, foolish and kept making excuses for him, but the local taxi drivers knew DH from old and took me home from all kinds of places!)

My advice, is to take stock - at the very, very least be out or not available next time he calls. People like this are fully formed at 39, he is not going to change. Mine didn't. He married his lady lurve and then ran off with her best friend and had 2 children with her at 45 and for all I know is still at it! ie: making women unhappy by simply being selfish and pleasing himself - because he can get away with it.

You need to ask yourself whether you really want to find time to fit him into your life and not be forever dashed down because of such a selfish git. I'm sorry to be so negative, but this is from bitter experience.

The positive side of this is that I summoned up my courage one day and left dh. About a year later I met my beloved and would like to send that first lady lurve a case of champers every year - who knows what I would be doing if he hadn't met her!! Thank you, Mary Noble - wherever you are - for dropping your drawers and saving my life!

Sorry, but I would hit him! I know that doesn't help but do you honestly think they would put up with kind of behaviour if the roles were reversed? We spend far too much time making excuses for men when they are not deserved. You are worth much, much more. If this was your best friend or your sister what would you advise her to do? Think about it and then take your own advice, but don't make excuses for him, he wouldn't do it for you and once you let him get away with it, well then he knows he can do it again.

Please Mopsy, you have posted loads before and I have real respect for you, please don't let this guy screw you over!

Well, my blood is truly boiling this morning...I think I kept a lid on the fury over the weekend because I couldn't direct it at him. I certainly feel very little love for him now which is very sad.

I am going to say that unless we seek professional help from a counsellor together, we do not have a relationship anymore.

I see the abominable behaviour this weekend as yet another manifestation of an 'attitude problem' he has inflicted on me a couple of times before; Christmas Day when he went to visit old friends 30 miles away, due back at 2/3pm, wandered in at 7 and dinner was ruined. Also a couple of months ago we had an arrangement to go to a local free annual event; he 'forgot' it was on and arranged to go for a curry with people from work - refused to say to them he couldn't go as he'd already arranged to go out with me and our friends!

So he has done a handful of real b***d things which I've made little fuss of, but this is way too much. I've never been treated badly by a man and I'm not allowing this to continue.

Bd Bd B*d!!!

Wish me luck.....love Mopsy xxx

Good luck, Mopsy. You are being very honest with yourself, which is a difficult thing to do. As Rhubarb said, you are worth much more than this - I'm sorry but he sounds like a shit. Keep posting and I am really thinking of you. Lots of love xxx

Go on Mopsy, give him hell, don't put up with c**p, life is too short and there are nice guys out there. I think by now us girls should learn to trust our own instincts and go with our gut feelings. How often have you given him the benefit of the doubt so far?

I don't know what his problem is Mopsy but you'll only go through a lot of unnecessary pain if you stay with him!! If it's like this now, imagine how unreliable & self-centred he's going to be in the future. Please don't put up with it any longer than you have to. Best of luck...

Mopsy, You said things with your partner have been happy and harmonious for the last few months, up to now. So your relationship must have some things going for it.

I doesn't sound like he is an out and out b***d 100% of the time. Reading your messages I think you're too sussed and mature to have stayed this long with him if he was. So don't be hard on yourself.

Yes, you should be angry about this weekend. He let you down badly. When other large social events have loomed - weekends away, meals with friends, family visits etc - has he happily included you? Is there any pattern to his behaviour? I once had a boyfriend who liked meeting my friends but rarely introduced me to his, despite the fact that we were almost living together. It took a while for me to see this, but once I did, I felt excluded and second best. Our relationship was never the same again and I ended it with him soon after. And he never understood why!

Mopsy - it's Monday - he's back is he? Have you got a definite arrangement to see him today? Or will you be talking to him on the 'phone instead.

I really wish you luck - I guess I'd find it very hard to remain calm, but I guess that's going to be pretty important.

I'm useless in confrontations, so I'll be thinking of you and imagining how much better you'll handle it.

I guess the only one thing I have learnt (eventually) is that it drived dh crazy if I don't stay specific to the thing that's triggered my annoyance. I tend to let things build up and then say you did a,b,c,d,e AND f! That means .... He really doesn't see it as being a cumulative thing and gets annoyed at me making one big thing out of several little things. Does that make sense?

I guess, what I'm saying is, although he let you down with the curry Christams, for me it would all be part of one big picture, but dh would be immediately defensive and it would be counteractive to bring them up. Or at least do so carefully!

Mopsy, good luck whatever you decide to do. Thinking of you.

I'd like to echo www. My earlier post may have implied that i think people should stand for this sort of behaviour - I don't, I think that you must put your foot down, just don't scream the house down with it!

As he has a "history" you must be even more strong this time - all the best.

Hope all goes well Mopsy .

Like everyone else says - lots and lots of luck.

Well its late Monday now so your talk should of happened. I hope the outcome went the way you wanted. You sound like you have reached a point where you are strong enough to face what has been happening and are ready for changes, make the most of it and get what you want. All relationships are up and down but they should always be equal - remember that.

Any joy Mopsy? Thinking of you and hope all goes well

I am ok! And miraculously he is still alive and unmaimed...this might be pretty waffly tho

Dp's sister brought him round yesterday and left us to it...a marathon talking session ended up with both of us feeling able to laugh (who would've thought it) and later relieving the accumulated tension with a couple of bottles of wine and a fantastic meal we cooked together.

Decided the best approach was to use the conflict resolution training I had at work yonks ago - act as if you are an impartial observer of the situation. So I began by asking him to describe what had happened as he saw it, and was pretty surprised by what he said. With regard to the original conversations with me about the wedding & festival, he came away from them with an entirely different conclusion - that I would not be going. This was because he knows I will only go camping under suffrance anyway, and said I definitely wouldn't do it the night before going to a wedding, so he decided he would just get on and do his usual thing, without me. He had come to this conclusion in his own mind, and it had translated into being that's what was decided and agreed between us. So he had been amazed and horrified when it became obvious I knew nothing about it.

He couldn't really explain why he'd planned all this w/o mentioning it to me - basically he felt that his selfishness (insisting on camping) had meant that I wasn't coming, and was feeling guilty. So not talking about it enabled him to deny these feelings to himself.

His sister was stunned by his behaviour and talked to him a lot over the w/e about how totally destructive it was; and funnily enough there was a reading at the wedding which talked about the keeping of secrets breeding mistrust - she nudged him hard in the ribs...

So I was happy to accept that this had happened because of a communication issue we have, and that hurting me in any way was the last thing he intended. I also accepted that at any time over the last couple of months I could have asked him about the arrangements, to check progress, and to be honest I can't explain why I didn't.

I explained that I felt this was another manifestation of the same problem that had led to him letting me down on the other occasions - he said that he felt each time that 'we hadn't had a definite arrangement'.

I was pretty stern with him in questioning what does constitute a 'definite arrangement' - do I have to get it in writing? I reminded him of our exact conversations when these things were arranged (I have a good memory for detail) and he acquiesced totally and apologised unreservedly. Again he felt that sometimes he seems to decide something in his own mind, and that becomes what is happening although he's not told anyone about it.

We were able to talk really openly and honestly about every aspect of our relationship, and promised eachother to communicate well from now on - I think we got confused as at the start although we both fell in love quite quickly, we were both anxious to be seen to be 'cool' and casual. Now that we have a rapidly developing emotional intimacy however that approach just doesn't work.

He expressed his gratitude for my lack of screaming (how ex-dw/gfs handled it) and said he felt that he'd been shown something about himself that has always caused him trouble personally and professionally, that he'd not been able to understand before. I replied that maybe it was a case of me willing to offer him the opportunity to explore why crap was happening - effectively to act as a parent to him for 5 minutes - rather than to obstinately expect him to be 100% perfect and kick him to the kerb as soon as I realise he isn't.

This issue has been the only thing that has caused us any upset or difficulty at all (so far!) so I have every intention of carrying on enjoying it!

Thank you all for your fantastic advice, kindness and support, it's been amazing to have received many different points of view and possible explanations for his behaviour....I am sooo relieved we are ok again

with much love, Mopsy xxxx

wow - congratulations! I might have to try the "act like you're an impartial observer" thing one day.

Mopsy

Congratulations on sorting this out.

If only all problems could be resolved this easily.