Advice needed - being taken for an absolute mug.

[babygoose48]

Hi,

Typical 'I do too much and he's too lazy' kind of post.

Long story short I have been with my OH for 4 years now, but have recently moved in together jointly (only renting). I have a DD from a previous relationship, and it was just the two of us in our home before now (with him sleeping over occasionally - we had a long distance thing for a while). We decided to find a place together, me and DD moved in with my mum whilst we saved for a deposit etc.

He's the laziest bastard I've ever known in my life.

I knew this before we moved in together, but thought it could have been forgiven and worked upon. He's 27 and has lived with him mum up until now. He is terrible with money (seriously bad, we have split up before due to his lies about countless debts, and cutting me short for consecutive months with rent in the past etc). She did everything for him, the cooking, changing his bedding, washing his clothes etc. he is extremely messy too, would often leave crap lying around everywhere for his mum to pick up. I told him countless times not to expect that from me when we moved in properly (I'm generally very tidy and always on my feet), and of course he was like 'no babe, our home is going to be well clean'.

What an absolute pig sty our home is due to his mess. His shit is everywhere. His dirty clothes he just leaves all over the floor in the bedroom, on his side of the bed you cannot see the carpet. Shoes, crisp packets, empty water bottles, plastic bags with bits of shopping in he doesn't think to empty? We both work full time. Every weekend I sped most of it going over the living room, kitchen and bathroom making sure it is spotless. I cook close to every night but he never has the incentive to, never offers. We have a 'system' where if one cooks, the other washes up. I have told him so many times that I cant stand dirty plates in the sink with food on being left over night. Not only because its gross, but because if it is his turn to wash, he will leave it for me and i am ALWAYS the one to pick up the mess and wash the pots the next day, They literally will be sat there moulding until I give in and wash them. he knows how I'm important it is for me that he helps out with this, but about twice per week (usually after me scrubbing the kitchen and making sure its nice and clean) he will leave this pots for me. The amount of arguments we have had where he gets angry and refuses to do them because he thinks by him doing them 'i am getting my own way' is just absurd. I think its fair. If I am getting home and cooking every night after work (we both work full time), and he is sat there watching tv... then he leave his job to wash the pots for me in the morning... how is that fair on me? He doesn't see this logic and continues to do it. He leave a wet towel on my side of the bed every morning, even after continuously telling him can he kindly not do that. He says okay and then does it anyway...knowing that I cant just leave it and I end up picking after him, as well am my child, like i have a son! We moved in almost 3 months ago and wardrobes have not been built still because he's waiting for me to spend MY weekend doing it all and clearly sees it as my job. I miss the recycling day ONCE in three months and it still doesn't get taken out because he sees it as MY responsibility. I miss a bedding wash at the weekend (because I'm too busy catching up with three peoples washing) and it doesn't get done for another week, because he doesn't have the incentive to do it = MY responsibility... you get the gist.

Anyway, its gotten to the point now where I'm not getting any help during the week and I am compromising my time with my daughter because I'm having to sit her on the couch and scrub the house down. My OH doesn't really take any responsibility with my DD, which is fair enough as her dad has her half the week, but what he doesn't realise is that not only do I work full time, I am attending to her as well. School uniforms, school runs, tidying her bedroom, parties, bathing, cooking, taking her out at the weekends etc. I have this huge responsibility and he doesnt, but still he doesnt even think to help out more when it comes to the home. I have begged him, sat down with him weekly, I have cried, I have been so run down and tired as i feel I cant rest at the weekends with no help and he has always just said 'right' and 'ill do it tomorrow' and it NEVER gets done. On his days off he will purposely make an excuse to leave the house (he often goes back to his mums 45 mins away and stays there for a few hours) and then I come home and nothing has been done regarding the house and other bits and lo and behold he 'didn't have the time...'

I am planning on leaving him (not just because of his laziness, but he has been very emotionally manipulating and hurtful lately, and has continuously lied about money etc) but I feel I need to get my stuff together and plan more before I do. I have realised that marrying him and god forbid having another child will be a life sentence for me. In the mean time, if talking to him won't help, what do i do to get him to help out a bit more?!

We had a talk last night because i'd cleaned the bathroom at the weekend and I told him not to leave anything on the bathroom floor (to make matters worse on the cleaning front he got blazing drunk the night before at a wedding, knowing I had my DD on sunday and stayed in bed until 7pm). He leaves his boxers there every single morning for me topic up at night, its an ongoing battle. Last week I stopped doing it, and it got to three pairs of dirty boxers before i gave in. He told me he would Tonight, I came home and found he'd not put them on the bathroom floor, but just left them on top of the friggin landing instead!!! And there was a dirty bowl in the sink, again!

I thought, right if we expects me to do all these things, I just will not do them. he has got to the point where he obviously expects me to cook, so tonight I though right ill sit down with a glass of wine and expect him to cook instead. He came home at 7pm and asked really sheepish 'have you had some dinner yet?'

I said no, and continued drinking my wine. Then I told him I was going to bed to watch my own tv programme (he was probably half expecting me to go in the kitchen and ask what he fancied).

It took him until 8.50pm this evening to go 'do you want anything banging in the oven?'

I went 'oooh, actually yes...' I thought for a moment and he went really sharp 'come on hurry up I'm not messing about'.

Then he came up and went 'you need to come down in 20 mins to sort your tea out when they are cooked...'

I said 'oh, can you not just pop my burgers in some bread? and erm, some tomatoes? oh and a bit of ketchup please...?'

He went 'right' but he clearly wasnt happy.

i might just eat and leave the plate in the sink until tomorrow see if he likes it.

So sorry for the rant I'm just up to my ears with it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Change the password for Netflix!

Good luck with the job interview :)

thank you JungWan for the reminder.

My emotions and my action are all over the place at the moment one minute I'm calm and content, next I'm happy, the next I'm raging.

Im anxious now because I keep flipping to 'have i been too hard on him?' to 'Ive made it worse for me when he gets home tonight.'

You are right to say I have a long journey ahead of me, I need to keep on track.

Back to calm and content. Focus on the job.

Oh and yes you're spot on with saying that he will pull some emotional defence out to use towards me.

1.You have ruined my day.

1. How dare you have a go at me by text whilst I am at work.
2. Picks something up off the floor and ask me why I haven't put my crap away
3. Insert something about my mental health here

Thank you for the wishes Lannieduck

Detach detach detach.

Every time you put pants or rubbish or a used mug in the bag remember that very very soon you will be free of this crap.

To stay sane try to avoid getting drawn into JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. This applies to your points 1-4 above. Most stuff he spouts probably requires an eyeroll and little more than Aye, right you are mate. You are scared of his words so staying out of his way is probably the best.

Are you still doing all the cooking? And his laundry?

Agree with @JungWan

The less you say, the less he can argue with you about. Deal in facts, cause and effect. He did this, you do that. No chit-chat about what he didn't do because he KNOWS what he didn't do!

From your posts, or rather the tone of your posts, I actually think you can do this/carry this out so I wish you the best of luck OP and hope you get the job!

Good luck for your interview. I agree with the others, you can do this. Keep saying to yourself, Don't engage, Don't argue or explain. He'll only twist your words, he won't listen. You can do this.

You are totally fucked off with this dirty man. You don’t need him, neither does your little one. I know you feel you are vulnerable, but this man makes you more vulnerable, not less. Sort your shit out ASAP and shove this one out of the door.

What EXACTLY is the situation financially that you can't kick this lazy arse overgrown child of a cocklodger out right now? If he isn't even reliably paying up for rent?

I'm mystified why you moved in with him if you KNEW he was lazy.

The usual argument from some on here is the 'traditional roles' crap but even if he was 'a traditionalist' he'd have at least put the wardrobes up!

His parent/s should be utterly ashamed of him!

Even my dad (not the most enlightened of men) would kick this twats arse for being so lazy! I've said on similar threads my 'traditional' father and granpas at the very least picked up after their own backsides they wouldn't leave wet towels and grim underwear for their wives to pick up and put in the laundry!

OMG and he DARED criticise you for exactly HOW you were doing his shit?! I'd have thrown something at him! and not socks!

Re your mums comments is your dad this fucking lazy?! You got brothers?

"He works really hard" how would you know? I wouldn't bet on that at all! What job does he do and what do you do?

I also suffer from mental illness op, I think staying with this guy will be just as stressful and damaging as you think splitting will be. Can I ask why you're trying not to use meds? You don't have to answer of course but seems to me you may be unnecessarily making things tougher for yourself. Are you getting pip/DLA? Do you have a cpn, social worker, health visitor? Who may be able to help you access the support needed - financial and practical to get rid of this tosser?

Is he fuck depressed! He's pissed off he's not getting away with being a lazy arsed piece of shit! But offer it and he'll use it as an excuse!

Never mind if he thinks it "your fault" for you breaking up - you know the truth and once he's out your life what he thinks no longer matters.

Good luck with new job.

Seriously get ride of this waster ASAP.

He's been reliably paying rent and bills since we moved in to this home (so its as much his home as well as mine) but he didn't last year when he moved in to mine half the week.

Without giving too much away he works in sales and often has to work 6 days per week (with the odd weekend off), and works long days. It is a stressful and demanding job ill give him that .He hates his job, which i think his part of the problem with his moods (but not an excuse to make my life miserable). I have a clinical role.

There is no way I'd be able to pay full bills without any additional help if i kicked him out right this second.

I've made an app to the credit union to see if they can help pay a few things off and just get a bit if backup in case I struggle. Tax credits should provide enough to cover his half of the rent.

You are right my mental health is slipping because of this. I was on antipsychotics for three years before last year and made the decision to stop as they were making me that zombified it was affecting how i looked after my DD, affecting my ability to work, to drive, and I put on a significant amount of weight. I have been great without them honestly the best decision I've made for myself, more energy, better mindset and I've even sorted my diet out and I'm close to getting skinny again. Meds would be a last resort for me to go back to.

Im not on any other financial support for my MH as I've always been in work and its generally well managed in my life. Not been to my PDoc in over two years either got discharged to my GP when I got my affairs together and began to manage the BP on my own again. I do, however, know I may need some counselling going through all this and for assistance with my anxiety. I work for the NHS so theres a possibility I could get counselling through work ill look in to it when I go back tomorrow.

He never mentioned the angry boxers text life resumed to normal last night when he came home. Had a bit of a weird one when i went to bed he came up and approached me about hanging a towel up that he had used to dry the cat (i had just washed it, and its the posh bathroom hand towel, i didn't realise he'd dried the cat with it). I told him i didn't know and asked why he was drying the cat with that specific towel. Cue argument brought on by him asking why I think its acceptable to use his old ones brought from his mums house but he cant use my new bathroom towel... I just ignored him and went to sleep and he went to bed in a huff without saying goodnight.

@babygoose48 Do you receive PIP? In case you're unaware it's a non means tested benefit that anyone with a health condition that affects their day to day life can apply for. Doesn't matter if you're in or out of work.

Pip/DLA is available to those in work too.

Credit union can only perhaps loan you money, I honestly think you'd be better off speaking to a debt advice agency and perhaps looking into freezing some of the debts of you can. Certainly be good if you could make them more manageable for you to operate your household alone.

I honestly though people were going to turn around and say that it was what men do in relationships and that we are naturally cleaner and we just have to deal with it etc. Should he be helping out more??

There is so many things wrong with the majority of your posts I don’t even know where to start. It sounds like despite being fed up you’re also full of excuses for this man

Firstly, no - women are NOT ‘naturally’ cleaner than men. I have no idea why you assumed that? It’s either because he’s a disgusting slob and you automatically think every man must be the same, or you’ve surrounded yourself with men who’ve had their mum do everything for them meaning they “grow up” into a manchild and still expect their partner to tidy up after them.

Secondly I fail to see why the hell you’d ever move in with this man?! You knew what he was like LONG before you moved in together. How can you have sex with a man who lets his mother clean up after him? How can you sleep with him when he’s such a dirty pig?

If a woman meets a man who makes it clear he doesn’t want kids, 5 years down the line she has no right to moan that she’s still childless. This is no different. He made it clear who and what he was. You knew that. I have no idea why on this planet you expected him to suddenly change when all that changed for him was the woman he was living with. It went from his mum to you being his own personal cleaner.

I don’t care that his job is stressful. I fucking hated my previous job to the point where I’d cry most mornings - it didn’t mean I turned into whatever he is.

He’s always been this way and always will be. It’s not because he’s got depression (classic!) it’s not because he works long hours blah blah it’s because he’s a skank. Stop making up excuses for his dirty behaviour

Move back home with your mum and next time pick a man who can clean up after himself.

Saying "I just don't understand why you moved in with him in the first place" isn't helpful, and it smacks of victim blaming and "you made your bed, you lie in it".

Shaming someone is not a great way to support them, and often it reinforces messages they may have heard from parents /partners that made them vulnerable to this exploitation in the first place, ie: you're stupid, you make bad decisions, you let bad things happen to you, etc.

There are ways to help the OP avoid these situations in the future (by examining why she tolerated this situation and how she might spot red flags sooner) but a) that is more help once she is out of the relationship and b) it still doesn't include belittling her about "why on earth" she let someone treat her that way.

Kennycalmit - I posted on here for advice and support, not to be condemned. Saying that, you and my partner would probably get along pretty well.

I fell in love with this man, and still love him to some extent, and he was perfect for me at the time. I didn't 'chose' this for myself, I fell in love with a once gentle and caring guy who suited me and once upon a time he did treat me like a queen. He was messy at his mums yes, but that didn't mean he would have been messy in his own home, I was messy when I was at my parents until I moved out! Unfortunately, he has chosen to be. I learnt who he was along the way, I wanted a future with him, but clearly he has chosen that disrespecting his partner and a life of riley suits him more.

He chose this, not me. If I stay after all of this, which I am not planning to do, then you can feel free to say I chose this life and this situation. But for the time being, I have every right to moan about it.

babygoose - I can totally understand that you fell in love, and even though you knew he was untidy before at his Mum's that you believed him when he promised he would change. My DH was exactly like that and his Mum did everything for him and I took a chance and moved in with him.

I explained that I worked full time too, and I would rather be watching TV, generally relaxing etc than doing housework, it was not fair to expect one person to do absolutely everything. I expected him to pull his weight and I went on strike to drive home the message and impacts. I had to eat on paper plates and disposable cutlery at one point! However, the key difference is that my DH realised and made a huge effort to change - and has. He is now a fantastic cook and has found he really enjoys cooking complex dishes. He is still messy but will always make sure the kitchen is tidy by the end of the day and always lend a hand. He's not perfect - I still have to remind him - but it can change, and it did because he wanted to and he realised that he stood to lose me otherwise.

You leaving is the kick up the arse he needs. All actions and behaviours have consequences. You can choose what this is. You have done your best by giving him chances and warnings all of which he has chosen to ignore. Ultimately he has more to lose than you.

Good luck xx

Oh God. ...he sounds like he wants a slave. Leave him and find a partner who is willing to share the domestic burdens, because burdens they are. It's hard enough keeping on top of our own stuff without picking up after another adult who thinks he's still a child. It will be a good lesson for hin to learn - he needs to shape up if he wants a relationship.

It’s not normal at all. He will never change, it will just get worse. LTB.

How are things going @babygoose48 ?

Marydollnesbitt I haven't read anything so funny for ages, I just about held it together until I got to chucking his gruds out of the bathroom window! 😂😂

Run for the hills op ffs! ⛰

Hello just an update.

About a month ago, it all it too unbearable where I was dreading coming home. I came home in hysterics one night and obviously had to let it all out. I told him I wasn’t happy and that I felt bullied and that I just didn’t know whether I wanted to continue the relationship anymore.

He didn’t like it, got very angry and defensive (particularly when I said that I thought some of his actions were deliberately cruel - he did on purpose to get at me - like start fights and say things to upset me). He got super mad then threw his tissues across the room paddy - style and started smacking his fist in his hands and hitting the couch etc.

Eventually, he came around a bit, said sorry, said he didn’t want to lose me, said he’d try etc and then I just said we shall see what comes of these confrontation.

He’s been great since, trying with the cleaning, listening to me, being calm in situations He would have previously been in a mood or got angry at etc. Been patient with me, I told him about my anxiety and panic attacks and said I was seein a counsellor for it. I honestly felt like I had my old boyfriend back and that it might be able to work out after all.

That was a month ago and I think he’s trying to slip his previous behaviour in a little? But I’ve omly just realised he’s doing it.

For example. Last night we didn’t have any food in as he didn’t go shopping the week before (we take it in turns weekly to be responsible and pay for shopping) so food has been a little tight. I asked him yesterday if he was going, and he said he couldn’t be bothered he’d go Tomorrow instead. So naturally, there was nothing in to make a meal out of hence why I didn’t cook. He asked me what we were to do, and I said I might just have the rest of the chips.

Anyway he turned the oven on to sort Food out. Bearing in mind he won’t cook or volunteer to sort food out usually unless I ask him to, because I do it most of the time so why would he? Half an hour later the oven was still on and I said to him ‘is the oven still in? Have you put any food in?’ He said no and it won’t be ready just yet (half an hour!!). I told him it was hot and he got up then to sort food out. He said something along the lines of ‘you could have put the chips in’ and ‘I suppose you want me to throw these chips in for you?’ I said yes please.

Half an hour later he’d not checked on the food. I asked if he had checked on tea. He said no, it won’t be ready. I said it’s been half hour you are better off checking? He got up and checked and sat back down.

Anyway 40 mins later after he’d originally put the food in (it was 9.40 by this point... he’d put the oven on at 8.30pm!!) I got up to find food still not cooked. I checked he temp and he’d had it on 150c!

I asked him why he’d had the oven on so low and he just went ‘I don’t like putting it on 200’. I was like wtf we have been waiting for tea for an hour and 15 minutes because you don’t like putting it on 200?

I turned the heat up to 220 and sat back down.

He STILL did not get up to check the friggin food!! I ended up getting up and sorting the chips out, and I know this is petty and sounds so small out part of me feels he behaves this way to back me in a corner so I have no other choice but to sort things out myself. I cook 6-7 days a week (always fresh meals as I have a certain diet and have to prep my food) and the one night we don’t have anything for me to cook because he couldn’t he bothered to shop for 8 days, he can’t even put some bloody frozen chips in for me without my assistance (his food wasnin the oven along side mine).

I told him I’d pulled the chips out or else they would be burnt otherwise and said I’m not sure of his is ready or not, he came to the kitchen in a mood pulled his food out and slammed the oven door.

It was 10pm by the time we sat down with our tea last night I’m usually in bed by then.

I was mad last night but I didn’t realise until I mentioned it all to someone at work today in fleeting conversation that he was back to playing his games and now I feel sick with it all that he can’t even care enough to give me a break just once. The scenario sounds so petty I know but he’s done it before with the food if it’s his turn to sort tea (which is always just warming oven food up) he will sit there like it’s no ones responsibility but mine to either sort it or have burnt food.

Sorry about my grammar I’m on my phone!

Sorry for the confusion over him being a bully as well - I’ve had a separate thread about our relationship which details more of his behaviour

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3358193-Passive-aggressiveness-and-deliberate-emotional-tactics-had-enough

You gave him a chance to improve. He hasn't got it in him.
Don't let him ruin your life.
Tell him he has to leave.
No explanations or excuses.
The relief will be huge.

He is abusing you. You need to leave. Call WA in the first instance.