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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do

50 replies

namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 21:07

Right so, my partner and I are not married. We were dating 4 months, he told me he couldn't have children. I was lax on my pill. Enter delightful surprise of baby boy. He's 7 months old now, and we've moved in together, I took 6 months maternity. I've been back at work 2 weeks. Baby is in nursery 3 days. Partner has him 2 days in the week I have him weekends.

I just got back from work (at seven) and partner was mid putting him to sleep. He was crying a lot as I entered the house I came upstairs and said "Shall I feed him?" (Still bf when I'm not working) partner snapped at me that he was fine so I went downstairs. A short while later I came back up as he was still crying and said please can I feed him my boobs hurt ( hadn't fed since 6am- he's had bottles in between but my boobs were full) partner just stormed out of the room.

Fed baby to sleep and went downstairs. Asked partner what was wrong and why he's being so rude. He shouted at me that I was being controlling and when I asked how and why got up in my face punched his hand repeatedly and blocked my exit to the door.

Baby woke up a few minutes later and he went up to settle him. I've tried to talk to partner, asking why he thinks I'm controlling and what I can do to help. He's lying in the bed, beside now sleeping baby and refusing to answer apart from to say "it's just you. We don't need you, go away"

I don't know what to do. I love partner and we've so far until now made a really good go of this. I'm scared if I push the situation he'll just leave with my son whilst I'm at work but I really just want to work out what's making him so stressed and defensive and try and make it better.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 12/09/2018 21:55

I'd say give him space at the moment. You asked and he doesn't want to talk. Back off and watch his behaviour. If your gut says that your partner might take him away, you should listen. Make formal custody arrangements. Would your partner take him to another country?

Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 21:58

Thank you for answering. No not to another country. I just fear coming home and he's not here.

OP posts:
calmandbright · 12/09/2018 22:04

GIVE HIM SPACE?! More like get the fuck out of dodge. He’s shown violent behaviour that you do NOT want your innocent baby to grow up seeing. I felt quite frightened for you reading your op, he sounds very unstable. Is there anywhere you can go? He needs to seek help, as do you (to get out safely). Stops you from feeding your baby? It’s so horrifyingly controlling. Please don’t stick around to see how much further his punching will go.

pallasathena · 12/09/2018 22:09

Why are you asking for his permission to breastfeed? Strong women simply don't do that. You're pandering to his every whim.
More fool you!

Doingreat · 12/09/2018 22:09

This is very worrying behaviour. He punched the wall. Blocked your way. That's aggressive behaviour. Saying 'we don't need you' seems almost threatening. Don't talk to him. Leave him alone. He's behaved very unpredictably.

I wouldn't go into work the next few days. Could you fake an illness?

eggncress · 12/09/2018 22:11

He’s being controlling, not you! He’s stopping you from feeding your baby.
Has there been any previous indication of abusive behaviour from him previously?

pallisers · 12/09/2018 22:12

Why are you asking him if you can feed your child? That is ridiculous.

As for the "we don't need you". I'd have told him that he mightn't but my baby certainly does so fuck off with that.

And the punching his hand thing - done to intimidate you and frighten you and you should tell him if it happens again, you are out of there with your baby.

The first year can be hard and lots of couples do fight a lot. But he should not be controlling you and should not be intimidating you and threatening you.

Kaystar89 · 12/09/2018 22:13

Oh this is very worrying! You wanting to come home and breastfeed your unsettled baby is not controlling? I'd leave tomorrow xx

Butterfly44 · 12/09/2018 22:16

Has he previously been abusive. You give no indication if this behaviour is out of the norm or not. Are you happy in the relationship otherwise? I'm confused as to whether you are together together....or just parenting together.
If out of the norm you need to talk - has the baby been crying all day perhaps to make him so agitated - not that it's an excuse
The fact you are worried says this isn't just out the norm behaviour- so you need to talk to someone and get some legal plans in action.

Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 22:30

Oh I'm so glad people have replied I was feeling very alone.

He has been what I would call threatening before but always when there was alcohol or a really bad argument.

I feel like I'm being pathetic, but honestly I've come from an abusive childhood, I don't ever put up with things, I'm in a really good senior management job, I earn triple what he does. Financially I'd be better off without him. But as 95% of our time together has been positive I'm reluctant to write it off.

I have now talked to him a bit. I asked him how he's feeling he said "you don't realise that you are constantly controlling and belittling" and then got angry and has gone out for a walk.

I think, I've tried really hard to transition from being 30 something year old career woman to mother. I found it really hard, and he's worked so much when I'm on maternity that I've been very much by myself. When I tell him how I do things it's to help not to belittle. But honestly I feel like taking my son and leaving. I see and recognise this behaviour and it's not what I intend to bring my child up around.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 22:33

@Butterfly44
Together together
And baby has been fine all day. Was up half the night with me and he has slept most of the day. Partner was sending me photos all day and everything was fine via text when I was at work

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 22:39

I know I'm writing a lot without much input, but just to add. I think he thinks me trying to help is controlling. I've never dictated or demanded DS stays in the same routine or does the same things, but I have offered advice and help in a way that I would have wanted

OP posts:
Musti · 12/09/2018 22:55

His response is completely unacceptable op. And very worrying. You've been back at work a couple of weeks and he's still a breastfeeding baby. It's natural for you to feed him. And even if he wasn't and you just wanted a cuddle, his response is violent and scary. The man has issues!

dirtybadger · 12/09/2018 23:02

People's partners should never be threatening to them. Or purposefully intimidating. The fact he couldn't keep up the act for even a year or so is telling. I would be very worried about escalation. Its not like you came in and said "hey let me do it", you said you were in pain. And his response was to get angry at you and try and scare you!

dirtybadger · 12/09/2018 23:03

Tbh even if you were being controlling about the babies routine I'm not sure that it's that relevant. He still has the option of communicating like an adult over intimating you!

Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 23:06

Yeah @dirtybadger that's my issue I have tried so hard not to have breastfeeding as an issue, or something that makes me the more important parent. The fact I'm still breastfeeding is important to me, I feel like DS needs and wants it, but 2 weeks in and 13 hours at work makes it really necessary to feed him as soon as I get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 23:08

Yes communicating like adults, even if it's hurt or stressed adults is all I'm after

OP posts:
peekyboo · 12/09/2018 23:09

He's accusing you of being controlling and belittling because you're assertive and normal. He wants you to know your place and not make him and his tiny ego feel threatened.

How dare you succeed? How dare you manage something so unexpected and wonderful in life? How dare you revel and flourish in the role of motherhood?

He threatens you, bullies you then lies down with the baby and pretends you are an intruding villain - we don't need you.

It's like he's gone through the guidebook for Dicks at Home and Other Stories.

Singlenotsingle · 12/09/2018 23:12

He's feeling inadequate and useless. You work in a good job and earn most of the money. Then when you get home you take over there as well (not a criticism!) You are the only one who can breastfeed. He can't. He's frustrated, not that that excuses his behaviour! You might have to rethink your arrangements OP. In fact you might have to rethink your whole relationship with this immature man child.

subspace · 12/09/2018 23:23

The punching thing... fuck that, so much fuck that. Get OUT, you really don't need a violent wanker in your life. As for accusing you of being controlling, it sounds very much like gaslighting, making you think the problem is you not him. Fuck. That. Shit.

Toofle · 12/09/2018 23:27

'We don't need you'. That's scary.

Giggorata · 12/09/2018 23:29

This all sounds extremely worrying to me.
Someone punching their own hand is extremely aggressive and a clear threat. Then punching the wall and preventing you getting out of the room is an escalation.
His response to your reasonable enquiry ''we don't need you” is irrational and threatening to a new and breastfeeding mother. Remember too, that this is a man who lied and told you he couldn’t have children... what was that about?

I agree, don't try to talk to him any more, as he is being too weird, irrational and aggressive. Don't let him have the care of the baby, you are right to be suspicious, I think. Get him out, or get out yourself with the baby.

Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 23:38

Right so how and what to do. He'll appear reasonable to everyone else. And all of this behaviour is just the wrong side of abusive. I'm not saying I don't want to leave but I want to leave and give myself the highest chance of majority custody

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 23:39

The right side of abusive I mean. As in not actually hitting me etc.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 12/09/2018 23:40

You're right to be concerned, this is not something you punch walls over (if you do at all, I've lived my whole life without doing it!)

It's worrying that he's not even putting the baby's needs before HIS to control & threaten you. The baby was crying out for a feed & he made it about himself. Sounds like a pattern that will re emerge

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