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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do

50 replies

namechangeforadvice1 · 12/09/2018 21:07

Right so, my partner and I are not married. We were dating 4 months, he told me he couldn't have children. I was lax on my pill. Enter delightful surprise of baby boy. He's 7 months old now, and we've moved in together, I took 6 months maternity. I've been back at work 2 weeks. Baby is in nursery 3 days. Partner has him 2 days in the week I have him weekends.

I just got back from work (at seven) and partner was mid putting him to sleep. He was crying a lot as I entered the house I came upstairs and said "Shall I feed him?" (Still bf when I'm not working) partner snapped at me that he was fine so I went downstairs. A short while later I came back up as he was still crying and said please can I feed him my boobs hurt ( hadn't fed since 6am- he's had bottles in between but my boobs were full) partner just stormed out of the room.

Fed baby to sleep and went downstairs. Asked partner what was wrong and why he's being so rude. He shouted at me that I was being controlling and when I asked how and why got up in my face punched his hand repeatedly and blocked my exit to the door.

Baby woke up a few minutes later and he went up to settle him. I've tried to talk to partner, asking why he thinks I'm controlling and what I can do to help. He's lying in the bed, beside now sleeping baby and refusing to answer apart from to say "it's just you. We don't need you, go away"

I don't know what to do. I love partner and we've so far until now made a really good go of this. I'm scared if I push the situation he'll just leave with my son whilst I'm at work but I really just want to work out what's making him so stressed and defensive and try and make it better.

OP posts:

Sj325 · 12/09/2018 23:41

Wow! I got scared for you reading your original OP.

You really need to get yourself and the baby away from this man, his behaviour will only get worse. And the “we don’t need you” comment. I find that extremely disturbing.

Honestly, I watched my mum go through this type of shit with my dad. It ruined my childhood, i was a constant bag of nerves until I was able to move out of the family home at 16. Don’t let your child grow up in this type of environment.

AsleepAllDay · 12/09/2018 23:41

Call Womens Aid as soon as he off at work

Seeingadistance · 12/09/2018 23:43

His aggression - getting in your face, punching his hand, blocking your way - is extremely worrying, and really frightening. That and the comments about not needing you - that's also scary.

You say that you are able to support yourself and your child without him. I say that you very quickly get organised with somewhere to live and childcare for the baby, get legal advice and leave him. Have someone with you when you tell him you're leaving, and have somewhere safe to go from there.

That 95% of your relationship being positive will inevitably, and probably very quickly, reduce and disappear. Don't wait for that to happen. Please.

AsleepAllDay · 12/09/2018 23:43

Is there anyone you can reach out to that won't take his side, a family member maybe? Or friend - even if they don't seem close there are charitable souls who would help a woman in distress

Given that you have the means to support yourself, having a place to go and seeing a solicitor are both important

Pack essentials (clothes, any important paperwork, money)

Singlenotsingle · 12/09/2018 23:44

Arrange for DC to go to nursery five days a week, or get some other childcare so that he doesn't do it. He's too possessive - "we don't need you", indeed! Get some time off work, holiday, sick leave, whatever so that you can get organised

GorgonLondon · 12/09/2018 23:47

This is very frightening behaviour. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I don't have useful advice re custody but i have been in violent, abusive relationships.

You sound very intelligent and sensible and financially secure. It's just about getting him out, I think, and keeping your child with you , with as little conflict as possible...

TooOldForThis67 · 12/09/2018 23:57

I am extremely concerned and so should you be. I'd not be wanting to let that baby out of my sight for one second! If someone in RL told me that I'd be reporting it to SS or even the Police.
There is NO excuse for his behaviour.
Treat his behaviour as a warning of what's to come, maybe not tomorrow ......
Please tell us you have kicked him out and changed the locks. Get a DVPO to keep him away. Please just do it.

Justask · 13/09/2018 00:00

Leave. Just leave.

Take your child and go, get help, ring police, ring women's aid.

This man is dangerous.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2018 00:06

I too think you have to leave. Mostly to make clear this aggressive behaviour is an absolute deal breaker , and also for the faint chance that he would take the baby given the concerning things he said. It’s tricky, I know it must feel horribly unfair to take the baby so he doesn’t take the baby but you just wanted to feed your breastfeeding baby, he threatened you. I too suggest you both go back to work full time, it is possible his behaviour is triggered by feeling insecure on the wage earning front.

Kennycalmit · 13/09/2018 03:34

“Right side of absuive” “not actually hitting me”

Oh come on OP. Surely you can’t actually think either of those?!
There is no right side of being absuive! Not hitting you doesn’t make things any better.

You have a choice but your son doesn’t. If it was just you in this relationship then okay, but it’s not fair to choose the option where your son grows up around such a horrible, absuive bully.

The words “we don’t need you” scares me. I don’t think you realise how bad he’s actually been. Whether he’s nice 95% of the time or not doesn’t matter, he’s still a c*nt and you and your son deserves to have a better type of man and role model around

Beargoesgrr · 13/09/2018 03:46

OP, your post has sent a bit of a shiver down my spine,
Punched the wall- red flag
Blocked your way-red flag
We don’t need you- red flag

It’s like he was trying to say you’ve upset me/ so he doesn’t need you either- very controlling. Bearing in mind he is a BABY!

I know, I know the first year is notoriously hard, I also know that this isn’t normal behaviour. You need to see this.

Now, him walking away, is it so he can get space or because removing himself from the situation will be distressing to you?

If you have any concern that we’re judging him unfairly go and see a counsellor. See what they think, they’ll tell you that this situation was abusive.

AsleepAllDay · 13/09/2018 05:23

And other posters are right, there is no 'right side of abusive.' Take a photo of anything he has punched - he might deny it but at least you have it. Abuse isn't just hitting a woman, there are non violent types (he is using both against you)

Original poster

namechangeforadvice1 · 13/09/2018 05:46

Thank you for all your advice. I really needed it. Just to clarify he didn't punch the wall, but he has in the past so that's neither here nor there really. I will act. I've called work and I'm on the case. Feel much less alone now.

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 13/09/2018 06:05

Sounds like his real fear is you don't need him. You earn way more money, you are the child's mother...

The abuse is very worrying. This is not a healthy relationship. We all get annoyed at times and argue. You shouldn't be preparing for or accept abuse when this happens.

At the very least he needs to organise some anger management counselling. Babies are hard work and stressful. This could escalate very quickly.

bastardkitty · 13/09/2018 06:09

I am very concerned about you and your baby. His behaviour has massive red flags all over it. I think he is a danger to you and you need help. This is abuse. Your partner sounds unstable and possibly unwell, but your main priority should be getting yourself and your baby safely away from him as quickly as possible.

GertrudeCB · 13/09/2018 06:12

Is your work supportive? Please tell someone IRL

Sally2791 · 13/09/2018 06:15

His behaviour is abusive and totally unacceptable. Alcohol and arguments are no excuse. He feels insecure so he's trying to dominate you. Phone women's aid and make a plan to leave. Don't be sucked in by promises to change.

Ilove80s · 13/09/2018 06:41

Is he feeling resentful about you going back to work? If he looks after your son two days a week, what are his working arrangements? Do you trust him looking after your son? Do you have to work at the moment?

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2018 07:29

When we say you need to leave , I mean now, with baby. From a safe place you can discuss the relationship with him. It’s not great to hear that he’s punched the wall in the past - this isn’t a one off crisis then, this is him.
You weren’t together for very long at all before baby came along. The truth is you DONT need him. Take baby and go somewhere.

DancingForTheDog · 13/09/2018 08:28

Do you think he was more interested in having a baby than having a relationship with you? Do you think he tricked you into pregnancy by claiming he was infertile? Saying "WE don't need you" is really worrying. Of course your baby needs you! You however don't need a volatile, abusive, insecure prat in your life.

BackInTheRoom · 13/09/2018 08:34

Urgh I also had a sense of foreboding reading this too. I think because he knows your past and inner thoughts about not making a big deal about your DS routines and breastfeeding, he's using it to gain an advantage over you. I think your success is hurting his ego. That he props his low ego up by asserting his authority when it comes to your sons childcare or he is unhappy that he has to do it?

BackInTheRoom · 13/09/2018 08:36

Meant to add, I would separate tbh because as your DS gets older, I think you might clash over how to bring him up and he might get more psychical?

CantankerousCamel · 13/09/2018 08:43

If he gets this stressed at you wanting to breastfeed a 6 month old, how angry is he going to get at a 2 year old or a 5 year old that aren’t behaving how he likes?

Don’t allow this to continue

Adora10 · 13/09/2018 13:04

He is disgusting, you got home at 7pm and hadn't breast fed since 6am and he got angry, and why the hell are you asking his permission to feed your baby; he sounds vile and violent; get rid, or yes, leave, he's one horrible git.

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2018 22:18

I’m hoping op has baby and is negotiating with bf from a safe place. Op hope you’re ok.

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