Sensitive topic: was my boyfriend a paedophile?

[aWWYDnamechange]

Hi all,

I've name changed for this but have been a regular for a few years. I'm sorry, but the following is long.

After many, many years I have finally decided it's time to speak about something that happened a long time ago, which I buried very deeply.

I had my first boyfriend at 17. He was 22, so not a huge amount older than me but quite a big gap at that age. I fell totally head over heels for him, he was the first person I slept with. He liked me to dress up in schoolgirl-esque clothing from time to time and liked to act out rape fantasy type stuff, but all of that was consensual.

I left home and moved to another city to be with him when I was 18 (he was transferred for work, he had previously lived nearby). We lived together and spent a lot of time together but I was quite isolated as was far away from family and friends. I was quite vulnerable at that age and became very very dependent on him.

One day I was at his office, he was the only person there as it was near the end of the day. I was looking for something and opened a drawer in his desk, where I found a printed out photo of a naked girl, who I estimated to be around 7 or 8. It was printed on printed paper and very obviously taken from the internet.

I was (obviously) horrified and asked him about it. He said he had been looking at porn (in the office!!) and had come across this picture and thought it was disgusting and inappropriate so had printed it out as proof. This was in the early 00s, when I guess things were a little more rudimentary in the technical department.

I can't remember the details of what happened next. I know I was very upset and I know we argued. I know I demanded to see his internet history and hard drive, and he said no, because he was ashamed that he had been looking at porn at work. I know that on the way home he agreed that he would show it to me the next day, we got home, then he disappeared. I ran (literally ran) to his office, to find that he had deleted his internet history. He told me again that he was ashamed of looking at porn at work and he didn't want me to get the wrong idea about anything. He held me and said "look, I know you are freaked out. I promise you, I love kids but I don't love kids". I know that I loved him, looked up to him, relied on him and had some fairly serious mental health problems at the time so I let it go. I went off to university the following year and after a few months the relationship fizzled out. I saw him reasonably regularly for a few years after that, I know he had a fiancée at one point and they had a kid, but I haven't seen him in a long time.

I didn't think about what happened for a very long time, i think i had forgotten it did. But recently it has eaten away at me. Was his story true? It can't have been, surely. Was he a paedophile? Is he dangerous? And, above all- should I report him? Can I report him even if I wanted to? To whom? For what?

It has been over 15 years and I can not let this go, I feel sick at the thought that he might be dangerous and I just let him get away with it.

Does anyone have any advice?

Printed on printer* paper, that should say...

It's never too late to report it to the police

I hope someone else here can advise, but that's my immediate thought

I would say yes you should report him - to the police I guess? If he was looking at that stuff then he is probably looking at it now

I would assume that you absolutely can report this to the police - I don't know whether more as intelligence than an actual incident?

No wonder that stayed with you, it's certainly very hard to explain it away as innocent.

You could certainly speak to the police and they can decide if it's something to pursue.

I would say it adds up to serious concerns and your intuition is correct.

I think back in the 00's alot of people were convicted of looking at underage photos from their work computers - i imagine lack of understanding up addresses made them think it was safer than look through their own home computer.

If he still lives in the same city and has a social media presence I would have thought he could be found if your reported him.

He will be one of the hundreds of thousands of men in the UK looking at child abuse images online. It’s really common so I’d be very surprised if there was anything innocent about this situation.

*understanding of IP addresses.

Not I’m ANY way excusing it. I think thise bastards all deserve jail time. I just think people believe it’s a rarity when it’s very much not.

No harm in reporting to the police. If they think its a concern they will follow it up.

yes i think he probably was a paedophile and it is worth talking to the police about it.
please don't feel bad about it - you were a young girls yourself with a man who undoubtedly had a lot of control over you and it was years ago when I suspect we weren't as on watch for it as now.

His explanation is bullshit. He didn't print out child porn because he was "disgusted by it". And he deleted his history because it was full of child porn.

You can report him if you would feel comfortable doing that.

OP just to say when i was 12 years old and walking to school a man followed me up the street in his car l, asked me to perform sex acts on him and went to exit his vehicle (steet was completely empty at this point) he then got spooked by my neighbour walking down the street with his dog.

I continued walking to school and never told a soul for 5 years as I didn't comprehend what happened and internally felt a shame that I didn't understand. I bottled it and had a normal teenage life but had a full on panic attack one day over the event and told my mum.

My mum took me to report it 5 years later as I could still remember the type of car and what he looked like and my panic attack was over what he might have done to another girl that could have been prevented if I spoke up - it's never too late to report crimes and you shouldn't feel guilty about not immediately raising the alarm, sometimes are minds shut off rational thought to protect us from emotions.

Thank you all for replying, and for doing so with such a lack of judgement. I feel ashamed and horrible and very embarrassed that i just accepted what he said and effectively buried my head in the sand.

He actually moved back to where we were originally from, I am pretty sure he still lives there. He has a social media presence, and would be very easy to find if I decided to report him.

I know it's stupid but I just have this massive guilt over the idea of doing so. About his mother, mostly. She's a lovely woman who has had a very hard life. It would be awful for her.

I will be back in the area soon, i think i will speak to the police. Maybe tell them the story and see if they want a name after I have done so, if they think it is worth investigating. Do I just go to the local police station? Or is it not something that small town police forces deal with?

@LouHotel thank goodness for that stranger.

I agree that you should talk to the police and see what they advise. There may have been more recent incidences that this kind of evidence would be helpful in substantiating.

I have a similar history - first boyfriend was 33 and I was 15. I look back on it in horror, especially now I have a daughter of my own. I cannot fathom how my parents were cool with this. I was so head over heels “in love” with him and I honestly regret missing out on just being a kid for a few more years. He had an awful porn habit too. He had thousands of images saved in secret files. Most of them extremely young and petite girls too but not obviously underage. It was still creepy.

People arnt judging op because there is no way you’ve done anything wrong.
If you want a bit of support, talk to NSPCC, they will have advice about how to best report this.
It’s really worth reporting, your input could be a missing link in a conviction.

I'd report him to the Police definitely,you can do it online and give all his details or ring them on the 101 number.
He'll still be doing it I bet.

Op talk to the police and let them decide what happens next.
Don’t blame yourself for being young and naive. You were just a kid yourself, so please whatever you decide understand that you were not to blame in any way for this.

My first boyfriend was 22 and I was 15 - but I was groomed by him from the age of 13. It was before the days of the internet, so porn was never an issue and he was very respectful towards me.

However, any man who is interested in young girls should be considered suspect

You can Google the number for your local multi agency safeguarding hub. I would try reporting it as a safeguarding concern in the the first place, and/but they might advise you speak to the police as well/instead. And yes, no question, I would definitely report it. If he hadn't done anything wrong he's got nothing to worry about. If he is found to have been looking at pictures of kids, well, the problem is entirely caused by him. He might have access to children nowadays; if it were you who had kids with him, you'd want to know if he's a paedophile, wouldn't you? You'd want somebody in your shoes to report it so that the police investigate and catch him, if he's a danger to kids. If it was all innocent, for one, he should have taken it tho the police when he printed it ( ) and two, he's got nothing to worry about. And in all brutality, if he's a danger to kids/feeding the cycle of abuse by fuelling demand for child porn images, his dear ol' mum's feelings pale into insignificance next to that. X

Certainly sounds like it.

Had slightly similar with my ex.

He was only 3 years older and at 17 I started to go to his house overnight very often. I was drinking Pimms and lemonade (yes, very specific memory) and was on google search and started to put in a couple of letters and the suggestion of naked 8 year old etc etc comes up.

I search his computer and find one folder with inappropriate pictures albeit not actual sex photos of 8 and over I'd guess.

I confronted him and at first he denied and asked how I hacked his encrypted files in which it behave clear he had hidden folders so much worse. He basically said if I was good he would not look any longer etc.

Most the people we mutually knew were semi aware but most shrugged it off. I thought it was vile tbh it's not like he accidentally came across a 15 year old naked. Bloody vile. He had Tor too and I now know that Dark Web content is often found there.

He was abusive too so to be honest there's no doubt in my mind and with the ex you describe if he was simply embarrassed at looking at porn surely that would be fine as he had told you so deleting history would not be necessary.

Also why print it out if no ill intent? If I came across something like that (nor that I would on the websites I frequent but say if I clicked on a dodgy reddit link) I would report it to the Police taking down the web address. What use would a picture be? It doesn't show it's source, so how can it be dealt with?

No, he fetishised children and the closest he was getting in real life was you pretending to be one. I bet you looked young for your age too, I did.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. 💐

@TheBeatGoesOnAndOn* Bloody hell that sounds like a pretty traumatising relationship, hope you're doing OK now.

OP - obviously it'd be pretty horrible for his mum, I can understand why you'd dread that. Still...

I think an in person visit to the local police station where you can outline the story would be fine. They can always point you elsewhere if it wasn't the right place.

It is too bad you did not report it at the time as the police could have done an intensive check on his laptop, oh may how lucky he was to get away with that!

Not sure if reporting it now will get police action? If anyone in the know can reply, be interesting.

@SleepWarrior Thank you. I'm married now with kids but it was only just over 10 years ago. Im a lot better but intimacy is still very difficult for me and tbh if I smell the same aftershave he used I get a panic attack.

I think the problem with people like this is they have other unusual behaviours/reactions so we become used to unusual behaviour. I don't blame you for not reporting. I did not until he started dating a girl we both knew who was 15 when he was 21. I called her Dad and everything. At the time she was pissed and thought I was bitter but now she's happily engaged and has 2 little boys with someone nice and agrees totally with me. We are friends albeit not close (3 year age gap).

I reported them OP as she had nieces and was of course underage herself and quite a naive type. I also reported what he did to me but did not report him showing people him filming us having sex and showing people as revenge porn wasn't a thing, even though I was only 17. I was just 19 at the time so didn't really understand the law re: 17 being underage etc.

I do still worry he had it online though. Police never got back to me and I'm very uncomfortable knowing what happened. He tells people I made crap up about him but most know at least some is true but chose to minimise it or if it's related to me, I deserved it.

Sorry for long reply just wanted other posters to know it's not always easy at the time because you just don't know how believed you'll be or how normal it is. Batshit I know but as I had a few other unpleasant experiences I was genuinely just not sure what the hell was up. Only that I didn't want anyone hurt.

If you feel he's still a threat OP (is his Social Media open? Does he have many young females on it?) then report it to the police.

Remember you have done nothing wrong here. If he has, the onus is on him and him alone.