Hi all,
I've name changed for this but have been a regular for a few years. I'm sorry, but the following is long.
After many, many years I have finally decided it's time to speak about something that happened a long time ago, which I buried very deeply.
I had my first boyfriend at 17. He was 22, so not a huge amount older than me but quite a big gap at that age. I fell totally head over heels for him, he was the first person I slept with. He liked me to dress up in schoolgirl-esque clothing from time to time and liked to act out rape fantasy type stuff, but all of that was consensual.
I left home and moved to another city to be with him when I was 18 (he was transferred for work, he had previously lived nearby). We lived together and spent a lot of time together but I was quite isolated as was far away from family and friends. I was quite vulnerable at that age and became very very dependent on him.
One day I was at his office, he was the only person there as it was near the end of the day. I was looking for something and opened a drawer in his desk, where I found a printed out photo of a naked girl, who I estimated to be around 7 or 8. It was printed on printed paper and very obviously taken from the internet.
I was (obviously) horrified and asked him about it. He said he had been looking at porn (in the office!!) and had come across this picture and thought it was disgusting and inappropriate so had printed it out as proof. This was in the early 00s, when I guess things were a little more rudimentary in the technical department.
I can't remember the details of what happened next. I know I was very upset and I know we argued. I know I demanded to see his internet history and hard drive, and he said no, because he was ashamed that he had been looking at porn at work. I know that on the way home he agreed that he would show it to me the next day, we got home, then he disappeared. I ran (literally ran) to his office, to find that he had deleted his internet history. He told me again that he was ashamed of looking at porn at work and he didn't want me to get the wrong idea about anything. He held me and said "look, I know you are freaked out. I promise you, I love kids but I don't love kids". I know that I loved him, looked up to him, relied on him and had some fairly serious mental health problems at the time so I let it go. I went off to university the following year and after a few months the relationship fizzled out. I saw him reasonably regularly for a few years after that, I know he had a fiancée at one point and they had a kid, but I haven't seen him in a long time.
I didn't think about what happened for a very long time, i think i had forgotten it did. But recently it has eaten away at me. Was his story true? It can't have been, surely. Was he a paedophile? Is he dangerous? And, above all- should I report him? Can I report him even if I wanted to? To whom? For what?
It has been over 15 years and I can not let this go, I feel sick at the thought that he might be dangerous and I just let him get away with it.
Does anyone have any advice?