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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair or overreacting?

38 replies

Purplemouse · 12/09/2018 21:00

We have been married for 5 years now; together 12. DH moved jobs late last year. He suffers from depression so things are a bit rocky between us at the moment as he is very low and behaves selfishly a lot of the time.

He has a colleague that I don’t like. I’ve met her a few times when invited to drinks with his colleagues and thought she seemed nice enough but it’s the things he’s told me about her that are ringing alarm bells.

She tells him regularly that she gets loads of attention as she’s so attractive and about guys (including colleagues) coming on to her. She’s very flirty and quite tactile with guys in the office. She told dh her and the other girls in the office think he’s really good looking. She’s called him a few times about work related stuff and they have been on the phone for more than an hour at a time (first talking work, then they move on to other stuff leaving me to look after the kids). Her behaviour didn’t seem professional and makes me feel uneasy.

DH also went on a trip with her and lied about going to breakfast with her - he said he was alone but he had text her saying did she want to meet for breakfast (she did). Recently he has had a few angry outbursts aimed at me (swearing and shouting) and although our sex life is good he’s not the type of person who has ever told me I look good so I keep having doubts about myself.

His behaviour is making me think something is off. The problem is I’m not sure if I’m making this in to something that it’s not or if something is going on. How would I know? Can anyone give me any advice on either how to chill out or whether I should look into this further? How do I even go about doing it? Are there any signs I should look out for? He also has started looking after his looks more lately - dressing better, doing his hair and in old shape. He says this is because his new job and he’s in a more senior roll now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplemouse · 12/09/2018 21:01

Role not roll

OP posts:
usernamefromhell · 12/09/2018 21:15

I would always trust your gut. If something feels off to you there's usually a good reason for it and trying to "chill out" won't help if there's an underlying cause from concern.

She certainly has crossed a line with her behaviour. It's hard to tell from what you've posted if he has as well but at the very least he appears to be flattered by it and to not be doing a good job of putting up boundaries. An hour on the phone? I don't spend an hour on the phone even with close friends or family, let alone work colleagues.

It may be time for a bit of snooping. I'd watch and note what happens for the moment before you confront as he will certainly deny everything if you ask him now. Don't do anything rash, but don't stifle what your gut is telling you and don't let anyone tell you you need to "chill out" if you feel something is off. Your instincts are there for a reason.

MudCity · 12/09/2018 21:15

Oh OP, I do feel for you.

To be honest, it sounds like he needs the approval of other people. You could approve of him all you like but he would probably discount this on the basis that you are his wife. Sometimes the approval we receive elsewhere can feel more powerful than from those whom we take for granted and whom we ‘expect’ approval from. The fact that he does not compliment you or attempt to make you feel good about yourself seems to emphasise that he is taking you for granted.

His behaviour does not necessarily mean he is having an affair but he seems to be enjoying the attention and ego boost. Stay vigilant and try communicating with him about how things are for him at the moment..and how things feel for you. Living with someone with depression is hard at the best of times but please do not excuse abusive behaviour from him. Sometimes you can lose yourself while you meet your DH’s needs. Make sure you do things to meet your needs. Don’t let yourself be drained.

Original poster
Purplemouse · 12/09/2018 21:26

The thing is I wouldn’t know if he had crossed a line because why would he tell me? I’m hoping not but I’m just not 100%. A few years ago I wouldn’t have trust issues at all but he’s a different man since the depression kicked in and I just don’t know anymore.

There was one incident where he sent a text apologing to her after a night out. I asked why e was apologising and he said it was because he told her “what he really thought about her” after drinking too much (not complimentary). I didn’t believe him one bit but then he made me read through other texts to other people who were there which 100% backed up what he said to me (along the lines of you went too far or you were right she needed to be told). I’m clinging to this as I was surprised to be proved wrong. Also at least he’s open with his phone.

As far as him not telling me I’m attractive is concerned this makes me sad. But, he’s never done it since day one not even on our weddin day so this doesn’t make me suspicious but it does make me feel unattractive. The fact that he cares about his looks now when he never has before does make me suspicious.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 13/09/2018 04:12

The angry outbursts....a sign of frustration st something going on he's not talking about.
Your gut should be trusted and something is up but you need to know what than jump to conclusions.
Try phone snooping or just say 'I know what happened have you anything go say' to call his bluff

Villagelifer · 13/09/2018 04:31

You seem to know what to look for and just need reassurance that it's ok to be worried about it.
I agree with what has been said before - trust your gut and stay vigilant.
Changes in behaviour and lack of boundaries is not a good combination.
I wouldn't like the 1h phone calls or the breakfast+lying either.
You say he's changed since "depression kicked in". Has he been diagnosed and received any advice/treatment?
I hope things turn out ok for you OP.

user1457017537 · 13/09/2018 04:46

I don’t have any advice accept to ask that you take care of yourself and treat yourself well. Make time for you, an exercise or Pilates class, meet up with friends, buy some new clothes, it’s not all about him! Start having manicures or beauty treatments. Don’t let him think you don’t matter. If he has been promoted pay someone to mind the DC if you are tired and need a rest. He does sound like it’s sll about him. Best wishes

RainySeptember · 13/09/2018 04:47

No, I wouldn't like it either. In a calm moment, if you told him what you've told us, how worried and upset you are, what would he do to reassure you? Because I think most men who loved their wives would agree to keep communication brief and professional, to avoid socialising on work trips, to take the necessary steps to reestablish a purely work-based relationship.

It sounds like you still have free access to his phone, which is a good sign, so he may yet be open to a conversation about what he stands to lose if he fails to put up some boundaries.

Mary1935 · 13/09/2018 05:40

Is he being treated for his depression at all? Or is he using it as an excuse to treat you badly. He is not behaving how a loving partner should is he? I think I remember reading your previous thread.
Why is he telling you about her - she maybe after him and he’s flattered or it may have gone further. I think he’s being open with his phone to mislead to sort of say”ain’t nothing going on here - see check my phone” -
You need to have a line on what your boundary is in this situation.
His angry frustrations aren’t a good sign.
Does he do his share with the children.
Do you go out at all without the children so you have a break. I would look at this for yourself.

slapbitchface · 13/09/2018 08:31

Trust your gut OP I was in a similar situation very little evidence but I just knew there was something not right. Eventually it all came out and I was right - after 25 years of marriage and never a single reason not to trust him before. You know if there is something amiss

Original poster
Purplemouse · 13/09/2018 12:48

He hasn’t been diagnosed but I do believe he is genuinely depressed. He also has point refused to see a dr...until just now.

We had a massive argument this morning because he was being grumpy and rude all morning and then went to leave for work without saying bye. I needed something from the car so went to stop him and he just gave me the finger as he pulled out of the drive way and drove off. I then called him and it led to a huuuuge argument and he said he’s not coming home tonight and me and the kids won’t see him again. I have been in bits all morning with only my kids keeping me going.

I kept trying to call again and again and he just wouldn’t answer or respond. He’s just called now full of apologies saying he’s a shit dad/husband and he needs help. He said he’d go to the dr (something I’ve been begging him to do for years).

Not sure if it’s too late or not. The no idea if this all really is depression related or if this is all the product of an affair. I don’t know what to think now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplemouse · 13/09/2018 12:48

Just to say thanks to everyone who has replied to this. I feel so lonely right now it’s nice to hear some of them.

OP posts:
Ellenisia · 13/09/2018 13:17

It might not be anything physical, but it does sound to me like an emotional affair. He is infatuated with her and enjoying the ego boost. I’ve been dealing with this in my own marriage for a year... quietly getting my ducks in a row, getting documents sorted, saving money and getting in a better place emotionally to ask for a divorce further down the line. He of course denies everything and keeps claiming she’s only a colleague and a friend...

Original poster
Purplemouse · 13/09/2018 13:41

That’s awful ellenisia. You sound very strong and together though - I feel a complete mess.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2018 14:10

Oh you poor thing. His behaviour this morning is outrageous.

Stop calling him - you are not at fault here, he is.

Sit down tonight (if you're both calm) and chat through everything you've told us. Even the suspecting him having an affair because of his behaviour. (But not in an accusatory way, more of a 'It's got so bad, I even started to wonder if...')

Tell him he MUST take action about his 'depression' or he needs to leave.

Really hope it goes well. Flowers

Trinity66 · 13/09/2018 14:23

omg even if he isn't having an affair his behaviour is completely out of order and you need to do something about that. With regards to the relationship with that woman, it does sound a bit odd, I'd be suspicious too if I were you

MudCity · 13/09/2018 16:53

OP, it is positive he has agreed to ask for help. He now needs to do it. I have worked with people experiencing depression and what you describe is pretty typical behaviour (if there is such a thing as typical). Still, if it impacts negatively on you it is not on so you will need to be clear about your boundaries and expectations while being compassionate that he possibly is experiencing poor mental health. Try to find things you can do that are positive for you, things you enjoy and that will replenish you and nourish you.

There is hope. People do get better but he does need to accept help and want to change. You may want to join a support group in your local area for families of people experiencing mental illness or consider some counselling / joining an internet forum for yourself. Sending you 💐and wishing you well.

Original poster
Purplemouse · 13/09/2018 17:40

Green fingers - thank you for being kind. I do want to talk to him but I’m also sick of talking to him. He will be home shortly so we shall see.

Mud - I didn’t realise there were support groups for families of mh sufferers. I will definitely look into this as there’s no one in RL to confide in.

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 13/09/2018 17:46

The thing is his mental health only seems to be impacting one area, his marriage, and one person, his wife. He’s been promoted at work

Original poster
Purplemouse · 13/09/2018 18:01

User - yes. I said this to him today. I said at work he seems perfectly able to function successfully and also socialises occasionally. This concerns me massively as obviously it makes me feel that it our home life not anything else.

Saying that, no one in his personal life would have any clue that he is depressed. He puts on a good front. He also seems to enjoy when we go out together alone.

OP posts:
twilightsaga · 13/09/2018 18:23

I'm sure you've posted about this before?

Original poster
Purplemouse · 13/09/2018 18:32

Twilight - are you?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/09/2018 18:38

It's good that he's seeking help now and recognised there's a problem.

In reference to the compliments...if he never complimented you in the early days of courtship and on your wedding day, when almost every other man does, why would you expect him to do so now after you've aged by 12 years?

Original poster
Purplemouse · 13/09/2018 18:48

Sandy - I don’t expect him to. I’ve just read the thread back...I’ve not said I expec him to. Maybe you have misread?

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Youaremysunshine2017 · 13/09/2018 18:57

Hope you're ok op. Stay strong Flowers