Affair or overreacting?

[Purplemouse]

We have been married for 5 years now; together 12. DH moved jobs late last year. He suffers from depression so things are a bit rocky between us at the moment as he is very low and behaves selfishly a lot of the time.

He has a colleague that I don’t like. I’ve met her a few times when invited to drinks with his colleagues and thought she seemed nice enough but it’s the things he’s told me about her that are ringing alarm bells.

She tells him regularly that she gets loads of attention as she’s so attractive and about guys (including colleagues) coming on to her. She’s very flirty and quite tactile with guys in the office. She told dh her and the other girls in the office think he’s really good looking. She’s called him a few times about work related stuff and they have been on the phone for more than an hour at a time (first talking work, then they move on to other stuff leaving me to look after the kids). Her behaviour didn’t seem professional and makes me feel uneasy.

DH also went on a trip with her and lied about going to breakfast with her - he said he was alone but he had text her saying did she want to meet for breakfast (she did). Recently he has had a few angry outbursts aimed at me (swearing and shouting) and although our sex life is good he’s not the type of person who has ever told me I look good so I keep having doubts about myself.

His behaviour is making me think something is off. The problem is I’m not sure if I’m making this in to something that it’s not or if something is going on. How would I know? Can anyone give me any advice on either how to chill out or whether I should look into this further? How do I even go about doing it? Are there any signs I should look out for? He also has started looking after his looks more lately - dressing better, doing his hair and in old shape. He says this is because his new job and he’s in a more senior roll now.

Hope you don’t mind me saying so but your DH’s depression does seem selective with you bearing the brunt. Take care if you

I am in a very similar situation myself OP. The woman in question is my partners boss and I struggle with the level of communication they have, I don't for one second ever think he would cheat or have an affair but the amount of contact they have makes me uncomfortable! She knows a lot about me although we have never met and if DP calls me when she's there she will often say things in the background to me and she seems perfectly nice but I know what she has been like with other colleagues at the business. She will text him with work related stuff on a weekend and when I confronted DP he said because she is his boss he can't ignore her.

I really hope you manage to sort something with him and you can both work on your relationship and be happy

You say he never compliments you - neither does mine. For years I thought “oh that’s just him” but he was able to notice appearance and make sweet and charming remarks to his business partner. That’s whats worst for me. She brought him alive. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You need to look after yourself, don’t give too much importance to his experience of life, because he isn’t caring about yours like he should.

Dogsandkids - what a coincidence. The woman I am talking about is my DHs boss too! He has been promised a promotion and will be on her level but certain things need o happen before that takes place so it won’t be for another year yet. I spoke to him last night and asked him to avoid socialising with her alone and he said he couldn’t promise that because they often have to travel across the city together for meetings and of they’re early they’ll get a coffee etc. He has tried to reassure me that he isn’t attracted to her and doesn’t even trust her (he’s described her as a bit of a snake before) but says he needs to stay on friendly terms as she is his boss. The level of communication is a concern too.

As I mentioned earlier they went out not long ago and he got drunk and said he didn’t trust her, he bought she was false and manipulative and he thinks she’s wrong to keep things from her husband when he tells me everything. He said these things to her face (backed up by texts sent to/from various people) and was fretting about it for ages. However, she acted as normal the following week (which seems strange to me).

Curiousyellow - how awful for you. When I first met DH he was just a friend. He told me how beautiful his ex was - although not a nice person. This has always stayed with me. On the other hand he was a teenager and has changed so much since then. He doesn’t place much importance on looks although I’m not naive enough to think someone couldn’t com along that was “wow” for him.

User - you’re right and this concerns me.

It sounds like the same situation it's crazy! She has had flings with other people at work and DP says he finds it disgusting and could never be interested in her, which I do believe, but I do think she is interested in him and seems like the kind of woman who would be persistent.

He has no interest in progressing in the company as he is at a good level and any more work would definitely affect his private life with me and his children.

From my point of view because he is the bread winner and I have a good (not high level like her) job I feel quite threatened by her, I have seen photos and she is very attractive and a massively independent woman, this makes it worse as I feel she is superior to me in every way! I know DP loves me and he does tell me that so I think my own insecurities take over.

I know my DP and I think all men are the same in this aspect.. they love an ego boost, wherever it is coming from! Everybody feels good when someone compliments them! If he is committed to you and wants to work through his depression with you then he won't act on anything she might do to try and entice him, I really hope he gets the help he needs like he said and does see a Dr, it could do him the world of good!

It's like kids and bad behaviour. They can keep the front on at school then meltdown at home. I wouldn't take it personally and automatically think he's not happy at home. I think he maintains his image in public then can't hold it together at home.

He sounds depressed. Perhaps she is an ego boost that he very much needs in his depressed state at the moment. I'd say, given his public opinion of her in the past, that he's not having an affair. But watch and see, in case. In the meantime I hope seeing the doctor will help. can you afford private counselling if he can't access it through the doctor?

Hope it works out

I agree with ignoramus about how a person can put up a front in public and only show their moodiness or anger at home. That’s what makes it so hard for partners and families. They hold it together at work only to show their real selves at home because they can....that sort of behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated in the workplace. He had possibly been putting on this ‘act’ for years and yes it is hard when a person presents as charming in public but unhappy at home. Hard not to take that personally.

It’s quite possible that he is holding it together at work but it is a strain for him. Being nice to his boss is something he has to do and at least he was honest with you about not being able to guarantee being alone with her at times. Be compassionate but be boundaried as well. Give yourself ‘breaks’ from him. Take yourself out for a coffee, for a walk, to the gym, shopping, wherever on a regular basis. Find a hobby. See a friend. Anything to give yourself a break. Spending large amounts of time with someone who is depressed is hard work so please be kind to yourself and use those ‘breaks’ to replenish yourself before you crack / explode.

With regards to support, see what might be available in your local area. A local branch of Mind may be able to advise you...or your GP. Read up on depression as understanding it can help make sense of what he is experiencing.

Whatever happens, look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

Things seemed to be getting better. The beginning part of the week things were a bit strained but the last few days have been good. Then this morning he got up and went to the bathroom and I looked at his phone. He has blatantly lied to me about going somewhere with her this week. It was a work thing but I feel uneasy and upset about the lie. Calmly told him I knew and he just blew up at me and kept denying that he lied (even though its clear to us both he’s been caught out) and kept putting the emphasis on me checking his phone. I know I shouldn’t have but I have. I’ve said sorry. He hasn’t. I feel so uncomfortable

It sounds like a rock and a hard place, I understand your discomfort; but at the same time can he really refuse to go to a work meeting?
I feel for you x

Ovendoor - he sees her every single day at work - I don’t care about that! Of course they need to work together. It’s the fact that he lied and the fact that I can never be sure of the reasons he lied.

He had an event which was a big deal and I said - is >insert name< going? Said it casually not in a confrontational way. Also asked about another colleague going he said no to both. But it’s clear from texts that she was going all along.

It’s the lying OP that gets to you doesn’t it, why do they do it if all is innocent. My H did this too with a colleague , hiding and deleting messages and when I actually did manage to snoop successfully using WhatsApp web , it was all total tittle tattle shit, initiated by her, so he had no reason to lie . Said he didn’t want to piss her off as we needed her in the business at that time, but succeeded in pissing me off! I Will never fathom some men !!

Yeh the lying is what’s getting to me. Things seemed on the up and then this. He’s in an absolute rage because I don’t trust him. I said I don’t trust him because hes lies a few times about her. He says he lies because i don’t trust him and he doesn’t want an argument.

Vicious cycle - how the hell do we get out of it?

What a hard situation you’re in, OP...or we’re in, I should say.

My husband lies, lies, lies, denies and minimises everything. She is just a friend.Nothing more. In fairness (which I know it’s no consolation but hey ho) he’s never told her he loves her, and they do call each other “my best friend” or “my dear friend” gags

I’ve just stopped checking his phone. I was going mental and it was no way of living. I now gauge things by the way he behaves. Sometimes I don’t even need to check his phone to know something is amiss!

It was her (work colleague) birthday 2 days ago- a day before our DS2’s birthday. About 4 weeks ago, when I still checked his phone, she was hinting very heavily that she was expecting a fuss over her birthday- e.g. presents, a date, etc. So I was a bundle of nerves on the 19th. But he came home earlyish and he stayed in the office all day (I track him). I checked all bank statements and there is nothing strange, no purchases made etc.

Having said all this, this is no way to live. I still love him, but the damage he’s made is irrepairable. I just need to gather that last bit of strength to make up my mind and ask him for a divorce.

I feel for you, I really do.