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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've f***** up and need to rebuild my marriage.

29 replies

ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 17:53

Should say I completely expect to get flamed and 100% deserve it but here goes...

DH and I together 13 years, last few years have been pretty hellish, he got us into a pile of debt and hid it from me, has had a drinking problem and frequently emotionally abusive to me when drunk. During this time my mental health has been unsteady at best and I've been on and off meds etc.

Off the back of this I started an affair 6 months ago. The man concerned is a family friend and the two families are close. It wasn't just a sex thing - I was genuinely in love with this man and he with me.

The affair ended a few days ago by mutual decision (a bit more me if anything). OM wanted to stay friends and stay in contact but I have broken all contact, taken myself off social media and am doing everything I can to completely distance myself from him for the time being.

I know I have made the right decision. I want to fix my marriage more than anything. DH is showing positive signs, handling his drinking and being supportive of me(I have ended up signed off work and on meds again). I am willing to do whatever I can to turn my marriage around but at the moment I am grieving the loss of the OM and miss him. Despite that I am positive I have made the right devision and I will not cave and contact the OM. I so desperately want to rekindle what I had with my husband and move forwards.

Has anyone been there and can offer advice?

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 12/09/2018 17:56

Does your husband know?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/09/2018 17:56

But you’re in love with another man. You don’t mention loving your husband. I can’t see how you can get round that.

PolkaDoting · 12/09/2018 17:57

Your husband sounds awful. Is there a reason you have painted such a bad picture of him on here?

HollowTalk · 12/09/2018 17:59

Do you have children?

Your husband sounds horrible. Why do you want to stay with him?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/09/2018 17:59

Yes it’s not like you just looked for a bit of excitement with the other man. Your marriage doesn’t sound like it was good for either you or your DH. Have you thought about separating for a while and working out your real feelings? It sounds like you’re all over the place, to be quite honest.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 18:00

No my husband doesn't know. I do love my husband and desperately want to make it right between us. I know i have painted him in a bad light but he has struggled with depression too and be hasn't always been like this and now he does seem to be trying hard to address his past behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 18:02

We have children - 1 boy aged 10 and girls 14 and 17 from my first marriage. I guess I want to stay with him because I believe the man I fell in love with is still there under all our problems and I want that back

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/09/2018 18:05

But if it all goes tits up again with your husband and his depression or money issues are you just going to want to go back to the other man?

It doesn’t sound like it makes for a solid foundation for a marriage. And will be built on lies. He doesn’t know what you’ve done. What if the OM decides he wants to tell your DH? if you DO manage to get your mRriage on track and then THAT is dropped in him it woukd cause untold damage.

I take it OM hasn’t told his wife either?

Gazelda · 12/09/2018 18:06

I think you need to let your DH know that you've had a bit of a wake up call and are conscious that your marriage needs a lot of work, and that you've noticed (and appreciate) he's been making more of an effort.
Talk with him about what the two of you can do to make each other happier.

But I do wonder if this will be too little too late. Your husband doesn't sound nice. You are in love with another man.

user1494066152 · 12/09/2018 18:08

Sounds like you are chasing something that doesn't exist... looking at your husband with rose tinted glasses.

My ex was a drinker and I desperately wanted it to work, he was always keen on change when he felt I was checking out of relationship, never lasted. Leave them both and work on yourself. What is a drink abusive man teaching your daughters about relationships?

Original poster
ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 18:10

It's unlikely OM would tell my DH, no his partner doesn't know and he has decided to commit to rebuilding with her too - our sons are close friends so for either myself or the OM to confess would cause an absolute bombshell through the two families. Going back to the OM will never be an option - his children are small and there is no way he will leave his partner plus I'm clear I will not step back into the affair situation again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 18:15

I get that I may sound naive in thinking I can fix things with DH. But we had 11 years or so where he was a perfect husband, dad and step dad and if that's what I want back. I need to at least try and I need to believe it's possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 18:17

P.s just to be clear the debts were not as a result of drinking or gambling or anything of that sort. He put money into his business which failed but he hid it from me. Didn't mean to drip feed sbout that sorry

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 18:22

I think you need to talk to your DH about your marriage and make a plan for how to improve it.

As to you, you need counselling to figure out how could you get yourself into this situation with your child's friend's parent, why you chose to cheat instead of address issues and how to grieve for a man you love whilst hiding it!

What a sad mess. You sound like a I love you but I'm not in love with you scenario. Have you read the Cheater's Script and taken off the rose tinted glasses? That might help you to see that you loved how he made up for the void within yourself and that's what you loved.

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 18:25

I can't imagine the humiliation if your DH and his wife stand there all four of you smiling and joking and you and OM share this secret. OP don't you think your marriage is over?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2018 18:30

I think you need to concentrate on fixing yourself. Two dysfunctional people will never be able to build a positive relationship with each other. Honestly, I really don't think you even know which way is up. You may want to stay with your husband, but that doesn't mean that's what you need.

Pinky333777 · 12/09/2018 18:31

I think you need to come clean to your husband.
Air everything out and see where you are. You can't rebuild on secrets and lies

Original poster
ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 18:35

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have started counselling, first session today, to address why I am so messes up and looked for the attention of the OM rather than fixing my marriage. I am under no illusions that I have behaved horrendously.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 12/09/2018 18:37

I can't imagine the humiliation if your DH and his wife stand there all four of you smiling and joking and you and OM share this secret. OP don't you think your marriage is over?

With the best will in the world Op, you can't change the facts and this statement is everything. These things have a habit of raising their heads I'm afraid and whilst you think you can cover it up now, it's likely to come and bite you hard on the arse one day. And the deceit shown for the following years (or however long it takes) is what will utterly devastate both your partners. It's worse than the actual affair, in my eyes.

Come clean and face the consequences. Be an adult.

Dadaist · 12/09/2018 19:00

I’ve said it often - it’s the deceit that destroys. When you go to bed at night with the person you should trust most in the world - and they are betraying you.
BUT - there I think there is redemption in recognising how selfish and deceitful you have been. Of course neither of you have been perfect - and I would bet that your affair made your relationship with DH worse.

The question is - should you ever really be with someone you’ve betrayed? Many would say that without a full confession and genuine remorse, you will always be pretending and playing a role. And the truth could come out at any time - and then what?
Perhaps find the right time- once you’ve had counselling, to see if you DH might recognise his faults also and forgive you (unfashionable on mumsnet I know!)

subspace · 12/09/2018 19:10

What a mess.
Your affair aside, you are with an abusive alcoholic. Is that really what you want?

Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 20:20

I realised I typed talk about your marriage but I meant affair. As in, confess! The long term cover up and deceit will never be forgiven but the affair might be.

PastRegrets · 12/09/2018 20:52

I've name changed to post this because I'm ashamed.

I was in an almost identical situation OP, but my DH had had an emotional affair with a young girl at work, as opposed to drink/debt.

OM and I tried to end our relationship several times, but always ended up back together. It drove me to a breakdown and I eventually told his DW and my DH because I couldn't live with it anymore. It was horrific. So many people were hurt, including mutual friends and both sets of DC. To be honest, I wish I'd just kept quiet and bore the shame and guilt and spared everyone the hurt.

The grief thing was very hard. I loved him very much and struggled to get over the heartbreak because I couldn't share my feelings of loss with anyone. It's been a rough ride since and truthfully, had I not brought it all into the open, I would most probably have gone back again.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 12/09/2018 21:10

PastRegrets thank you so much for sharing. I understand the need to confess and I also understand the need to have a clean slate to start again. I don't believe I can ever tell however. I would effectively blow two families apart as well as involve mutual friends and the children. It would be truly devastating for everyone involved. I love the OM and I have no desire to ruin his family life no matter how much I am hurting. Hence my determination to cease contact and try and fix my marriage.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 13/09/2018 17:04

The worst thing about an affair. Isn't the sex. It's the lies, the deceit.

By not telling dh and trying to fix your marriage, while he continues to have contact with OM, the lies and deceit still continue.

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