I've f***** up and need to rebuild my marriage.

[ChasingMars]

Should say I completely expect to get flamed and 100% deserve it but here goes...

DH and I together 13 years, last few years have been pretty hellish, he got us into a pile of debt and hid it from me, has had a drinking problem and frequently emotionally abusive to me when drunk. During this time my mental health has been unsteady at best and I've been on and off meds etc.

Off the back of this I started an affair 6 months ago. The man concerned is a family friend and the two families are close. It wasn't just a sex thing - I was genuinely in love with this man and he with me.

The affair ended a few days ago by mutual decision (a bit more me if anything). OM wanted to stay friends and stay in contact but I have broken all contact, taken myself off social media and am doing everything I can to completely distance myself from him for the time being.

I know I have made the right decision. I want to fix my marriage more than anything. DH is showing positive signs, handling his drinking and being supportive of me(I have ended up signed off work and on meds again). I am willing to do whatever I can to turn my marriage around but at the moment I am grieving the loss of the OM and miss him. Despite that I am positive I have made the right devision and I will not cave and contact the OM. I so desperately want to rekindle what I had with my husband and move forwards.

Has anyone been there and can offer advice?

Ok @ChasingMars - I’ll try and help you understand how things are. Imagine that your DH knows everything we know - imagine he’s logged on to your MN account and read this thread, and everything has fallen into place. Now he’s got his own thread ...what honest heartfelt advice would you give him over what he should do?
And then re-read that advice and compare it to what you are planning for him in ignorance.

OK so after 6onths you dont love the om, you're just infatuated with him, which is heightened massively by the secrecy and the thrill of betrayal.

If you honestly, in your heart of hearts, believe your dh can change his ways whilst you're lying about where your affection lies, then crack on.

If you've woken up and smelled the Yorkshire Tea, tell your dh to move out until he's got 6 months of sobriety and in the meantime you contact the OM NEVER. Your dc are friends? Great, arrange everything with his wife or encourage your kids to get out the car and knock the door themselves.

I am no fan of monogamy but you are playing with fire and putting your dcs happiness at risk simply because you cannot be honest with your dh

My understanding is the truth always comes out. I cannot imagine how this will affect everyone being as you're close families?

Oh it is naive to think you can get back to where you were and be how it used to be 11 years ago. No. People change. People grow. Fact. I was head over heels with DH for many years. Life was perfect, so in love with a beautiful family. We changed...we grew apart.....it's sad but there is no going back. Only going forwards.