AIBU to want him out?

[lemonsole123]

This should be in separation but I'm posting for traffic.

Ex and I agreed to end our relationship 4 months ago after he asking him to move out several times during my second pregnancy. I was too apprehensive and the imminent birth to push too hard and now that the baby is here my ex is refusing to move out of our jointly owned property, despite near on two years of emotional abuse towards me ages frequent complaints about his unhappiness. We have not slept in the same bed for over a year and we are leading separate lives as much as can be.

The house is on the market as it's the only way I can get him out of my life as it where. But things are getting to the point where I don't think I can deal with him anymore.

My own family live three house away and I have 2 small children. I am working so can't go into a refuge (the costs are astronomical without housing benefit, think 5 star hotel in London...).

He has never been physically abusive and is doing his best to behave while we wait for the house to sell, but I think I would like to go for an occupation order until it sells based on the following:

1. He walks round the house with an angry red face and I feel frightened around him.

1. He was very angry I put a lock on my bedroom door.

1. He has his brother on speakerphone constantly listening in on our conversations.

1. He talks to said brother late into the night and when going to the loo I am forced to overhear conversations about adult friend finder and cam girls.

1. He drinks and smokes and Skye's (his brother) in his room even though the toddler sleeps in there most of the night. This is his idea of putting him to bed.

1. I got angry once and took the toddler from the room. I had been drinking as I'd been at a festival. I accused ex of watching dodgy stuff while toddler was in room. I know that was totally out of order but his brother heard the whole thing. Ex instantly jumped on it saying I was abusive. Frustratingly I hardly drink anymore as I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for the past 3 years.

Ex has an evil look on his eyes all the time and I feel frightened.

He has also hacked into my Facebook and email when I didn't lock the bedroom door and was work.

He says he won't leave because he doesn't trust me and he's worried I will take the house or the kids from him.

I am in touch with local DV services but I don't know how far to take this.

*sorry for typos.

We are not married so I am only entitled to 50% of jointly owned home.

I doubt you'd get an occupation order based on that but you could consult with a solicitor if you want to try it.

Why would you go into a refuge if your family live three houses away?

Sorry 3 hours away.

I have a solicitor but they won't let me see them and bill them later because they don't have a guarantee the house will sell, which I planned to pay them out of.

Anyone else?

Sorry I'm desperate.

I am no expert and I hope that a bit of traffic might bump your thread up, but if you are already in contact with local DV services, can you also call 101 to start a record of threatening behaviour? This might sound exaggerated (and others here are more expert than me) but if you want an occupation order, having a record or a trail is important.

Also, his not moving out because he doesn't trust you (to do what??) and live streaming conversations to his brother is like living with surveillance, this must be upsetting and intimidating.

With regards to drinking and smoking (and perhaps watching dodgy websites) in the toddler's room, can you raise this with nursery or a health visitor or your GP as a safeguarding issue? Whilst your at it, speak to your GP too about how anxious this situation is making you (again, records). I can't think of anything else to suggest right now, but I am sure others will be along with better advice.

You are not being unreasonable at all. He is abusive and you are terrified in your own home. Your children are also in an unhealthy environment because of him. I think the best thing you could do is to call women's aid and get advice ASAP. Big hugs to you xx

Women's Aid are good for advice and support. I recognise some of what you say as my ex was similar - extremely abusive over a number of years but not physically. I was a wreck when I left him. Are you able to borrow any money from family to pay for a solicitor? I found having a good solicitor (I spoke a few before finding someone who could really help) was really important in taking some of the pressure off.

@holrosea I would love to have the balls to do those things. The safeguarding thing terrifies me, I don't want to kickstart some sort of custody battle with him.

And he is a loving father. And he isn't horrible to me all the time. I try to avoid him as much as people possible but sometimes I forget myself and get chatty then he will start being horrible again.

I am on antidepressants as they help a lot with the anxiety he makes me feel. I am so tired of this fight.

And he is a loving father.

If he's smoking and drinking in the room your toddler sleeps in he's a fucking appalling father.

If he's verbally you while your DC are there, he is an appalling father.

You've normalised all this stuff way to much. Really hope your house sells soon if this is your only way out. But also suggest considering a refuge just to get away from him.

Please speak to Women's Aid and start logging scary incidents with 101.

*If he's verbally abusing you while your DC are there, he is an appalling father

Is what I meant to say.

I'm sorry, you don't want to hear this, but you really need to work on managing your expectations in this situation.

you have no control over if and when he leaves. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. He can stay as long as he likes, months, years, forever.

If you want to be away from him then the only thing you can do is leave yourself.

I would suggest you find a way of making your peace with living under the same roof as him, which thousands of ex couples have to do, in the current housing crisis.

If you settle down, make yourselves comfortable and understtand this could be long term, you will feel less anxious about the situation

Coldrain I don't think you should be so defeatist. It is mental torture for an adult and extremely damaging for children to sit these situations out.

Leave with your toddler. Stay with family and save or ask for help with rental fees.

@loveyoutothemoon I can't leave and save with no job. My family live at the other end of the country. I have a toddler and a baby.
What if he refuses to sell the house after I've left?

And he is a loving father. And he isn't horrible to me all the time. I try to avoid him as much as people possible but sometimes I forget myself and get chatty then he will start being horrible again.

I would take issue with two things here: he's not a loving father if he is drinking and smoking (and potentially watching dodgy videos) in the toddler's room. He is also not a loving father if he is actively and deliberately creating an atmosphere of fear in the family home.

Also, you can read thousands (not exaggerating) of threads on here about how an abuser is not horrible all the time. There are books (Lundy Bancroft) and programs (The Freedom Program) that will detail how an abuser reels you in and how they keep your there with occasional days of good behaviour and showing glimpses of their previous loving selves. This is a pattern and you need to educate yourself on his tactics.

A good partner and loving partner is not someone you would be "trying to avoid as much as possible". Also, please disregard Coldrain's attitude. While yes, this may become a long term situation and he has a right to be there (you may need to seriously consider your own ability to move out, stay with friends, how you can force the house sale), this is not an acceptable situation to live in.

He is grinding you down, you are anxious and intimidated, you are already managing MH issues if you are on anti-depressants, and you need to speak to the people who can help you and your child (district nurse, Women's Aid, your GP, family).

There is historical stuff too of course, but it probably wouldn't be seen as relevant to what's happening now.

I still feel terrible thinking of getting him out. He has nowhere to go and he's terrified of not seeing the children. But he has zero respect for me and I can not communicate with him anymore.

His brother is a complete stirrer and a nasty person and a constant presence in my home. I feel ganged up on. All I want is to work and look after my children. Ex stays home 3 days and me 4. He is self employed so childcare would be a nightmare if I succeeded in getting him out. It's where I fell down last time after i actually succeeded in getting him out, 2 years ago.

Coldrain I don't think you should be so defeatist. It is mental torture for an adult and extremely damaging for children to sit these situations out

I am just being pragmatic

I have friends in this situation

One has been in this exact situation for more than 30 years

Obviously hope for a resolution and work towards a resolution, but realistically if there is nothing you can do about it, then putting all your energy into hating it and feeling desperate about it simply hurts you and achieves nothing.

far better to come to terms with it and learn to tolerate it while it lasts.

Its his house, you can't make him leave, that's all there is to it. Maybe he wants to, but has nowhere to go and can't see a way forward, like the OP.

The OP doesn't want to leave, but if she really wants a home without this ex in it, then the only way of guaranteeing that is to find a way of leaving herself.

Coldrain you are right, but as we have two small children i think the situation is a bit more critical. Maybe I'm wrong.

more critical in what way?

How does being "more critical" make a material difference?

Can you see yourself just accepting it and settling down for the time being?

my friend who has lived like this for 30 years had 3 small children at the start, now has 2 grandchildren.....

Coldrain the house is on the market but I am finding his physical presence threatening, I feel he is monitoring me and intimidating me and I can't discuss parenting matters with him.

I know I could leave, but I would be walking away from a house that he hadn't even paid the mortgage on for nearly two years.

If I walked away, I might not be able to get back in

The best thing for the children would be for him to leave as it's their home and they need that security.

I wouldn't place the security of that house above the security of a new home where your children are actually happy and safe. It's a lot to deal with but you really can leave. Get help from your family and Women's Aid.

what I mean, lemonsole, is that how much you want him to leave doesn't affect the situation. You can't make him. so you saying it is "critical" doesn't change anything.

coldrain so you don't think I have grounds for an occupation order or a non mol?

It's so bloody unfair

If your in touch with dv services you can get legal aid based on having suffered dv.

Speak to women’s aid ask them for recommendations for solicitors who take legal aid they’ll be able to help.

He’s not a great father, terrifying you and drinking and smoking late in the toddlers room makes him a shit father.

Thanks.

It's not DV, but definitely DA. But he could say the same based on my outburst.

He doesn't drink and smoke in the toddlers room, the toddler stays in his room until he falls asleep then he takes him into his own bedroom.
I was cosleeping with the toddler until the baby came and we did manage to transition the toddler into his own room but his dad has got lazy with it recently. He tends to wake up in the night and come into mine or his dads room. We're in separate rooms obviously.