AIBU to want him out?

[lemonsole123]

This should be in separation but I'm posting for traffic.

Ex and I agreed to end our relationship 4 months ago after he asking him to move out several times during my second pregnancy. I was too apprehensive and the imminent birth to push too hard and now that the baby is here my ex is refusing to move out of our jointly owned property, despite near on two years of emotional abuse towards me ages frequent complaints about his unhappiness. We have not slept in the same bed for over a year and we are leading separate lives as much as can be.

The house is on the market as it's the only way I can get him out of my life as it where. But things are getting to the point where I don't think I can deal with him anymore.

My own family live three house away and I have 2 small children. I am working so can't go into a refuge (the costs are astronomical without housing benefit, think 5 star hotel in London...).

He has never been physically abusive and is doing his best to behave while we wait for the house to sell, but I think I would like to go for an occupation order until it sells based on the following:

1. He walks round the house with an angry red face and I feel frightened around him.

1. He was very angry I put a lock on my bedroom door.

1. He has his brother on speakerphone constantly listening in on our conversations.

1. He talks to said brother late into the night and when going to the loo I am forced to overhear conversations about adult friend finder and cam girls.

1. He drinks and smokes and Skye's (his brother) in his room even though the toddler sleeps in there most of the night. This is his idea of putting him to bed.

1. I got angry once and took the toddler from the room. I had been drinking as I'd been at a festival. I accused ex of watching dodgy stuff while toddler was in room. I know that was totally out of order but his brother heard the whole thing. Ex instantly jumped on it saying I was abusive. Frustratingly I hardly drink anymore as I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for the past 3 years.

Ex has an evil look on his eyes all the time and I feel frightened.

He has also hacked into my Facebook and email when I didn't lock the bedroom door and was work.

He says he won't leave because he doesn't trust me and he's worried I will take the house or the kids from him.

I am in touch with local DV services but I don't know how far to take this.

Also I am not certain he smokes and drinks when the toddler is there. He says he doesn't. He does in that room though, if that makes sense.

So the room stinks of fags? Nice.

Terrible advice from coldrain. You need to leave. Leaving is more important than half a house.

Your toddler sleeping in a room that has smoke in it is disgusting.

You need to look into childcare options and make a plan. Plenty of people have to sort out child care on their own. I raised my dc from birth on my own. If I can do it, you can. Call women's aid.

Coldrain, what conceivable benefit could there be in tolerating this situation for 30 years? Do you or does your friend realise that life is finite? Jesus wept.
OP, Coldrain is not a person you should listen to.

You really need to speak to WA about getting an occupation or non-molestation order, online opinions are a bit useless as none of us are in full possession of the facts or know the history (recorded or otherwise). They will be best placed to put you in touch with a solicitor who could help.

I realise that leaving, potentially relinquishing the house and becoming a single parent to two young children is scary (I'm only reading and it sounds terrifying) but again, you'll find plenty of threads on here from women who have done it. It is not impossible and many of them (all?) rejoice in their freedom and find that heir children are much happier and more confident once removed from an abusive atmosphere (created by your partner).

While some responses may sound a little sharp (just leave, plenty of people manage), I think the reason is that posters on MN have seen many women in similar situations and they know what they are talking about. The weight of experience goes against and abuser changing their behaviour, childcare is complicated and expensive but plenty do manage, and leaving an abusive partner is scary but it is also liberating and usually the best choice you can make for yourself and you kids.

It is scary, but there are resources out there to help you (WA, potential legal aid and a solicitor, your GP, your family, your MH nurse, 101, or the police if he ever becomes verbally or physically aggressive). I think what they are trying to get across is that it is your choice and that it is possible to leave.

If you stay change your priorities to getting the house sold rather than trying to get him out. You need the clean break. Even if he leaves he still has a claim on the house. If he’s not paying the mortgage then tell him that you can’t continue to pay and that you will contact the lender to hand back the keys. Don’t be aggressive or threatening just say that life in the house is unsustainable. It must be sold and you both need to move on.

I get the impression you are both trying to win the house when you should both want to sell and get your equity back. Offer to sell him your share or buy his share. Write off any losses if that gets it agreed. But selling up is unavoidable here. Better now than later. House prices may fall in the short term.

Get the house ready for sale and at a competitive price. Get it sold. Then lodge the CMS claim.

I am not in any way advocating that the PP stays in this situation.

I am just pointing out that she has no power or authority to require her partner to move.

However much she dislikes him staying is irrelevant, its his house, he can stay.

I'm not saying "Choose for him to stay"

I am saying "the choice isn't yours, and there is nothing you can do if he chooses to stay"

The people I know who are still under the same roof years after separating are not there by choice, but because there is a shortage of of housing and neither have been able to find and afford an alternative, in some cases for years, in one case for decades.

I hope the house sells quickly and frees you both. If not, your choices are accept it, or leave yourself

OP, how long has the house been on the market? How quickly do you think it will sell? have you had lots of viewings etc?
Could you drop the price for a quick sale?
You're priority is the safety of you and your children but it would also be best to get the house sold ASAP.
I was in the same situation but thankfully my ex agreed to move out if I covered the mortgage. Just as well, as it took over a year to sell.
If you think the house will struggle to sell, you need to look into ways one of you can move out.
If you did manage to leave, he cannot legally stop you from returning any time you want. I also believe that if you can prove he hasn't paid towards the mortgage for 2 years then you may be entitled to more than 50%.

The house has been on the market for 2 months, which is a long time in this part of the country. We have agreed to split the equity and the parenting along the lines of 60/40% to me. We are going to drop the price.

It's difficult to think clearly, I am in a lot of turmoil because of the high pressure situation and I feel so vulnerable.

I've got another solicitor I see in a weeks time and I'm trying to focus on getting out sooner because even when we find a buyer it still takes months with the conveyance and could fall through.

It's difficult, I have very little furniture of my own and was going to buy it all with the equity. To rent a furnished place you need to earn 2.5x the rent and I don't on my wages alone, but might scrape it if I make a sole benefit claim for universal credit. It's all such a bloody undertaking and he just sits there like a bit malevolent blob, making my life as hard as he can.

The irony is that he ended it! Not that I'm sorry, I tried to end it so many times but he would just ignore me and we'd end up carrying on as normal. It's nuts.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I struggled to cope with a few weeks living with my ex and he didn't behave like yours!
A solicitor will advise you if his behaviour will warrant his removal from the house or not. That is the only way you will get him out. If you can't afford to move out and cover rent and half the mortgage you are, unfortunately, stuck there.
I would try to find ways to make your life easier while the house sells. Be out the house as much as you can. Visit friend, family and stay over with them as much as you can. Try not to be in the same room as him as much as possible.
Do not cook or clean or wash his clothes either. Focus on getting that house sold. Once you have an offer, it can be pushed through as quickly as 8 weeks.

I support what crappy has said.

Get professional and qualified advice about the situation. They will help and advise you on how to deal with your situation. It is hopefully a temporary situation and you need to consider what is the most expedient and least risky way to get out of it. Sell, leave or force him out. All have risks and benefits. Professional advisers will explain this all to you and help you make the right choice. We can't.

This forum, although diverse, is still mumsnet and the topic is relationships. The posters are overwhelmingly female and mothers and sympathetic to your situation. By and large you have received a sympathetic ear but its a group of likeminded people and the advice isn't qualified nor can it possibly take account of the true extent of your situation. It won't replace professional and qualified advice.

However I will just once again say that whatever else you want to achieve (by leaving or staying), you must sell the house/buy him out, if you are to separate. Even if he left today, until you are able to buy him out/ give him his share of the sale equity, then he will always be able to return or have a claim. You have been there before and it all went wrong when he came back. You must now do the clean break.

NB A house that doesn't sell in a buoyant market is overpriced or badly presented. Another factor that would put me off, is the sellers position. A separating couple, who might get back together or who may never agree on a sale / price is a risk. Don't publicise your position to potential buyers. If you assurity of sale, price wisely and accept the offer from buyers most likely to complete quickly. Cash buyers, investors and FTB with a big deposit are the market. That might mean accepting a lower offer.

As Crappy has advised, get some space from the situation. Go for long weekends to your parents with or without the children. Try to build your resilience to his behaviour. Buy headphones to drown out loud conversations. Rearrange the sleeping so both children are in your room or together, whatever, so neither sleep with a smoker. Carve out your own space and neutral zones. If it is at all possible de-escalate the overall situation and any interactions. Get a stock phrase to use to end a conversation that assertive but not aggressive. For example, "yes, I have heard what you have to say and I will give it careful consideration. As you know all I want is to sell the house so we can have a clean break and for us to agree future child care that works for both of us. Let's leave it here for now." Then leave.

I think you are also worried about how you will cope upon separation and this is causing you stress. That is understandable and to be fair he will be in a similar position if you are to co-parent 60/40. Clearly this is not a reason to stay together as you have tried it and it didn't work. Seek advice on your options and the support you will be entitled to. Work out a plan for you and you children that will give you assurance that this will all work out in the end. Build resilience by trying to imagine the future & don't dwell on the past and present.

Thank you user and crappy, that is very supportive advice.

I have been driving myself into the ground, chasing my own tail while he sits back and watches. Didn't get off to the best start with the first solicitor but I think somebody experienced in disputes should help me to take control of this situation in the correct way.