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Original poster

An addict looking after a child

30 replies

notsurenotsure · 11/09/2018 23:28

I need opinions on what you would do in this situation. NC for this. Please be honest.

Ex dp and I have a child. Ex dp has had issues with drugs for a while and we have eventually split due to this and other issues such as emotional abuse. I know he is using cocaine quite frequently now. He's addicted and will use whilst in the house by himself not necessarily on a night out. He also uses cannabis daily.

What would you do about him having your child for the day or overnight? Our son is 18 months old so still very dependent. Don't want to be painted as the nasty ex but I am worried about this situation.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 11/09/2018 23:29

no way. completely and utterly no way.

805Thistle · 11/09/2018 23:30

No. Dead easy.

Ellen7262 · 11/09/2018 23:30

Not a chance in hell

DastardlyAndMuttley · 11/09/2018 23:33

No way!

50Running50 · 11/09/2018 23:36

No.... but why are you even vaguely considering it???

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 11/09/2018 23:37

Not a chance. I think you know it is totally the wrong thing to do.

Cherryberrypie · 11/09/2018 23:38

No no no no no no no, that is all

RabbitsAreTasty · 11/09/2018 23:41

No.

I'd call the police to make sure he got caught and then SS will make sure he can't look after DS and nobody will think you are the evil ex, they will know he's a skanky junkie.

I'm surprised he's able to chase for contact, organise it and all that, given the level of drug use you describe.

Gamboge · 11/09/2018 23:44

Normally I just lurk but I had to respond to this as I was in the same position as you. Think about the fact that he will drive with your child while under the influence. He will pass out at times. His mood and behaviour will be unstable and unpredictable. He will (in my experience) likely leave enough drugs within reach that could kill your child if they swallowed them.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 11/09/2018 23:45

How about some supervised access to start with and get him on a drug treatment programme to work up to having your child once clean?

If you phone social services they'll help tie this all together as in my experience (doing admin for them) they encourage contact even in challenging situations and would view him wanting to see his child as positive and try to help him get the necessary support.

I think it's great you're trying to facilitate this but you must get professional help but I hope you can come up with a solution that'll work for you.

Original poster
notsurenotsure · 11/09/2018 23:48

He's functioning in that he does go to work full time. He lives with family but they enable him by giving him money etc. When I don't allow contact they say I'm a terrible person. It's as though they've normalised this. Even if he doesn't use on the day he has ds he may be on a come down or irritated, angry, anxious etc. He has mood swings. I know he loves ds dearly but love doesn't keep a child safe.

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Original poster
notsurenotsure · 11/09/2018 23:49

Iv tried to get him help, referred him to places but to no avail. This is why Iv had to walk away because he won't help himself.

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Original poster
notsurenotsure · 11/09/2018 23:51

@Gamboge this is my biggest fear. If my ds got hold of anything and also the moods

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Gamboge · 12/09/2018 00:02

I had a nightmare with this. Your situation may be different but what I learned is that an addict will always minimise/deny the extent of their drug use. The drugs become more important than anything or anyone else - despite their protestations that they want to change, they have it under control etc. The addiction can overcome all feelings of protectiveness or responsibility. The risks will be minimised in the addicts mind and you will be viewed as uptight and obstructive. In the end I had to put my child’s wellbeing first. I cannot judge your situation but the day I found my preschooler playing by a rock of crack was the day it all ended. Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I shudder to think what could have happened. Perhaps supervised contact would be safe but overnight? No way.

Ellen7262 · 12/09/2018 00:04

Mood swings - so what happens when, inevitably DC is annoying him? Will he be able keep calm or will he flip out?

What happens if DC gets hold of some of whatever he's taking? That won't end well for him, and you wouldn't be able to forgive yourself for putting DC in your position.

Also, not proud of this but when I was 21 and was snorting my body weight in cocaine every weekend, I could barely look after myself let alone a child!!!! I couldn't even get out of bed on a come down, so no chance will your ex be able to. What will happen then?

Sorry to sound harsh but please do not risk leaving your DC with him!

penisbeakers · 12/09/2018 00:07

FUCK no.

Gamboge · 12/09/2018 00:07

It does not matter what anyone else thinks of you. Protecting your child is the most important thing. If your ex really wants a meaningful relationship with his child then he can give up the drugs for that. He can’t have both in my opinion.

Original poster
notsurenotsure · 12/09/2018 00:08

@Gamboge I identify with everything you say in this post. He does minimise it and I know that what he has admitted to me probably isn't even half of the actual truth. His family turn a blind eye I think and will justify it by saying he won't use on the days he has ds

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Djnoun · 12/09/2018 00:09

From a balanced point of view, it is possible to look after a child and have an addiction to cocaine. As long as the person is taking and coming down at times they aren't with the child. So apart from low mood, when they aren't on drugs they normally function well. For example, they can also hold down a job.

How about something like a Wednesday night? Midweek is probably the best time.

Original poster
notsurenotsure · 12/09/2018 00:10

@Ellen7262 that's what my thoughts are. Iv seen his mood swings first hand on a come down so I know how it can escalate. I worry because I won't be there to make sure ds is ok it would all be down to him

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Original poster
notsurenotsure · 12/09/2018 00:12

@Djnoun how am I ever to know when he's used? It can be multiple times a week. Even using whilst at work. It's hard to police things without honesty and communication. Unfortunately like most addicts he is not honest

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Djnoun · 12/09/2018 00:15

I have personal experience of this. I was hoping if you know him quite well, you should be able to tell if he's taken it.

If it's multiple times a week, I think it's best to stay away.

Djnoun · 12/09/2018 00:16

I was working on the assumption it was weekend benders.

chasinggarlic · 12/09/2018 00:19

I'd call the police to make sure he got caught and then SS will make sure he can't look after DS

Reality isn't like that. The police know who most of the small time dealers are and they still go about their day, it's unlikely they will be fussed about users. And there is a staggering amount of children who still live with parents who use drugs. It isn't a given that access will be denied.

Original poster
notsurenotsure · 12/09/2018 00:20

@Djnoun no Iv never used any drugs so I do find it difficult to tell. He will use sat in the house by himself watching tv. It's not just a social thing he does whilst out drinking. I think this addiction has got out of hand for him

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