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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Toxic Narcissist Ex Stalking Me

36 replies

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 14:32

Hey ladies,
Me again!
My son asked me on Fri was I in my exs car. I said no way. He told me that the ex drove past his bus stop several times on Friday with a new blonde in the car, hence my son thinking it was me.
This was like getting stabbed in the chest several times but I never showed my emotion to my son.
Then a friend messaged me saying shes seen him with a new woman. I immediately said I don't want to hear this as it literally hurts. Then I see, and I don't know why as I have blocked him on my phone that his new WhatsApp profile is of the two of them.

Now it may hurt like hell and I know hes doing it to hurt me and flaunt her in front of me. This shows me, 1 that he is using her and 2 has a new woman.

I have already reported him to the police for harassment, and have just again as my child is involved but how can I stop the dizzy feeling and stabbing feeling in my body?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 14:33

Woman - I mean Victim!

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 10/09/2018 14:36

Sorry I'm unsure how he's stalking you from this

CantankerousCamel · 10/09/2018 14:37

I’ve been stalked. This isn’t being stalked

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 14:42

Previous to this he was driving past my home my work etc. I left him after a 4 year abusive relationship and I had to call the police to get him to stop following me. This is just another way of getting to me, through my children

OP posts:

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 14:44

Stalking Harassing Unnerving Abusing whatever you want to call it. Hes now involving my children.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 14:58

Stalking involves a threat of harm on two or more occasions. I can't see any harm here. Him and the blonde must have a lot of spare time if they're driving around all the time. Try to just think you're well rid, and she's inherited the problem.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 15:02

I am, he is intentionally looking for ways to get to me. As he was advised by the police to stay away from my home and my family, he is now driving past my sons at their bus stop intentionally!
There is harm and this is threatening to me.

She is the new one with the problem, but I cant help but feel absolutely hurt over it. Why cant he just leave me be!

OP posts:

alligatorsmile · 10/09/2018 15:06

Oh who cares what you call it or what the "official" label is. He's being weird, and it's unsettling the OP and her family.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 15:15

Thank you alligatorsmile.

I am just trying to cope with the loss of this abusive relationship and he keeps digging at me one way or another.

This is just the latest form of harassment.

I feel like im being stabbed repeatedly and its causing me to get dizzy with the stress.

This is a bad man, his last wife died from breast cancer I believe caused by the stress of living with him. Its a massive statement but I was told by a friend of hers that I was lucky to get out alive.

Im afraid in my own home. Im afraid in my work. I know that I haven't heard the last of him and all I want is for him to leave me alone. Move on with your woman and keep me and my children out of it.

OP posts:

PlinkPlink · 10/09/2018 15:26

Hurt?

You have left an awful situation and gained your freedom and safety. Well done for doing so. Many people lack the courage to do so particularly after being abused (emotionally or physically).

If I was you I would be fucking pissed off. Get angry!! That will help stop your feelings of hurt (albeit temporarily). Seriously... distance yourself from that initial hurt for a minute... and look at it logically.

He involves your children in his twisted need to hurt you.
He abused you which has potentially caused all manner of difficulties for you in the future.
He has wasted your time.
He has completely disregarded the fact you are a human being that deserves respect and love.
He has put his desires before your needs.
He has drained you... your esteem, your energy, your time, just to make himself feel better.

You need to add more to this list but start feeling indignant! How dare he! How dare he think this is acceptable! How dare he think your spark is something to be squashed and abused!!!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating you get mad and shouty AT HIM. But get angry at the situation. When I do this, I enter a straightforward mode... I look at things clinically. I am able to feel empowered and able to distance myself from the emotion until they are fully and completely out of my life.

PlinkPlink · 10/09/2018 15:28

Ah cross post sorry OP.

Just reading your above reply... that's slightly different.

I didn't realise the abuse was so deep seeded. That requires a different approach than just getting mad.

It's not fair he's doing this when you're still recovering.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 15:38

Plink Plink - I really appreciate that reply - its what I need. I have hurt for too long and need to be angry - Im too soft - Ive been contemplating a Non-Molestation Order for sometime and I think that time has come. I thought he would stop but it seems as if hes happy to keep on going. The stabbing feeling and hurt will ease, I need to turn it into anger and get him out of my life, emotionally for good..

OP posts:

PlinkPlink · 10/09/2018 15:57

I feel angry for you OP.

I've had a few instances of suffering from some forms of abuse. Though I suspect mine were nowhere near as bad as your experiences.
The thing is, with abusive relationships, alot of the time it slowly creeps in. And before you know it, it's become the norm. It's only when you look back and think 'How the fuck did I ever met that happen?'
They worm their way into your brain.

To tell the truth I'm still looking back and seeing new forms of abuse I wasn't even aware of, 4 years after I've left the bastard.

Be strong OP. You can do it. The NMO sounds like a clear way of sending your message to him. You will not allow him to hurt you anymore.

Gemini69 · 10/09/2018 16:02

ok... I'm confused

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 16:02

Im just baffled that he keeps on trying to hurt me even to the point of flaunting the latest victim in my face? I feel so sorry for her but I know hes using her to hurt me. Making sure I know he has replaced me. Im so happy to be away but I wish these feelings of hurt would just stop!

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 10/09/2018 16:16

his last wife died from breast cancer I believe caused by the stress of living with him.

He sounds like a complete twat but blaming him for his ex wife's cancer is a bit of a stretch.

Gemini69 · 10/09/2018 16:19

OP I mean no offence.. but you sound literally as obsessed with him as you claim his is with you ?

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 16:27

If you knew the abuse I took, the stress and pain that man put me through youd believe it.

His Mother also dropped dead in their kitchen, im thinking that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

He abused me to the point that I couldn't concentrate, I was losing my mind, I was getting vertigo, I had rashes on my body, he was throwing things at me, he was kicking in doors, he was trying to cut me off from my friends and family, he didn't want me to go to work, he accused me of "looking" at men, he ate me if there was a tv program on and he compared me to the women in it! I got abused because I didn't sit beside him in the restaurant or taxi home because I sat in the front instead of in the back beside him. I got abused because I didn't notice he shaved once. I got hit with a large candle on my head because there was a scratch on his car. He abused me because I went for a lie down on a sunny day because I had a pain in my stomach and didn't tell him when he was outside. I got abused because I didn't like ironing. I got abused because I loved another man before I met him. I got abused because I had single friends and married friends and just friends. I got abused because I had genuine male friends. I got abused because I was sad and asked him to show some emotion or empathy. I got abused because I went to the gym, it was a girls only gym! I got abused for wearing clothes to one thing and not wearing them to another. I got abused because I reached out to my family and friends when he abused me! The feeling of stress in my chest and pain in my heart would 100% cause me to believe that the stress of being with that man could cause cancer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 16:30

Gemini69 - I want this man out of my life - obsessed I am certainly not. When hes going out of his way to flaunt his new girlfriend in my face through my children, I get hurt. I want him to disappear from my life. I would move to another country if my kids were finished school. Im obsessed with trying to have nothing to do with him!

OP posts:

Godowneasy · 10/09/2018 17:01

It's unlikely that you can stop him driving around in your view or your children's view. It's unlikely that you'll get a non molestation order on the strength of this, though I am far from an expert on these orders

You can't control his movements, but you can control how you react to his actions. Ignore him ignore him ignore him. Tell others you don't want to hear that they've seen him (unless it's actually dangerous to you or them)

Read your last post to yourself and just thank your lucky stars that you are no longer involved with this man. You are Free of him! It doesn't matter if he's parading a lorry load of other blondes in front of you or your family and friends- it really doesn't matter because you no longer want to be with him.

I would say though, that your 'stabbing and hurting' feelings sound as though you are falling into the trap of feeling jealous and possessive - either that he has started a new 'relationship' or of the new woman. Could you be tempted by this to start the relationship with him again?

I really think you should be dancing on the rooftops that you've got yourself out of this relationship! Just read your last post again. Then read it again.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 17:04

Without a doubt in my mind, I'm never ever ever ever going back to that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 17:09

Possibly stabs of jealousy of the idea he's treating her better than he did me, but I know that will be short lived. Jealous of her, no. One tiny head shot doesn't tell me anything about her. I feel sorry for her as I guarantee he will eventually do the same to her. I just hope she's stronger than I was at telling him to get lost. I hope she takes his mind off trying to hurt me.
If she's the one he changes for then I wish her well. Truly. I'm not a vindictive person. I believe in sisterhood of women.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 10/09/2018 17:19

I really think you should be dancing on the rooftops that you've got yourself out of this relationship! Just read your last post again. Then read it again

yes this is why I was confused.... you explain it way better..

Godowneasy · 10/09/2018 17:28

He's not going to change his behaviour for anyone. These sorts just don't.

Without a doubt in my mind, I'm never ever ever ever going back to that.
Good to hear that!

Try to stop yourself thinking about him and what he's doing. Concentrate on thinking about yourself and how much better your life will be without a controlling and nasty twat in it.

Time will help. Meanwhile, I assume that you've blocked him on all social media and have no plans to see him etc.

Really, life is too short to spend time and energy on such awful relationships.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 10/09/2018 17:44

Oh he's blocked from everything. I have to keep him as a contact on my phone in order to block him but as I can see his WhatsApp I have deleted the contact. I think this unfortunately "releases" the block! We will see. I hope he doesn't try to text or ring me and leaves me be!!

I'm feeling better now after these messages. Thanks ladies.

I just hope I can sleep tonight

OP posts:

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