Narcissist hoovering. Shaken up.

[NC4THIS11]

Afternoon all

So I'm seven years free of an awful abusive sob. It took me moving half way across the country to finally feel safe, I met and made a family with a good non-abusive man and have rebuilt my life. I've been with my current partner 4 years, we have one DD and I'm pregnant with number two.

I've been receiving a lot of unwanted contact from the bastard online lately and despite me blocking account after account, he just keeps making them. I'm not prepared to remove my social media as I have family abroad I keep in touch with and don't want to appear scared. I haven't responded and never do. My social media is as locked down as possible, but he adds my friends therefore if there is a "mutual" friend he can send a message and a request. He's very calculating and computer savvy.

Today's message of a new account is him asking me to call him as soon as possible because 'its extremely urgent'

When he doesn't get a response he turns nasty, I live in fear of what he'll do next every time he gets in touch.

I suppose my question is do these people ever truly leave you alone? I've done a lot of healing since I left but when he does this, it takes me right back

Ive reported it to the police before at DPs insistence but never got anywhere as he never does it in his own name, although we both know its him we can't prove it.

Change your name and picture on social media. It's what my friends who have sensitive jobs do.

im sure he will leave you alone eventually. However, If you give in just once it will extend the stalking. He will move on and probably start bothering some other poor girl soon.

I don't actually have my 'real' name on my account at present, I thought that would put a stop to it but it hasn't. He goes through the friends lists of people he knows I speak to (and family) and somehow figured out which one was me.

I haven't responded at all apart from once a few years ago to tell him to fuck off or I'd report him. I did report him but nothing came of it, it feels like I'm conditioned to just accept he'll always harass me now.

Its not constant, sometimes there will be around 6 months between his attempts, but he always comes back

Yeah they do that

Just tell him to stop contacting you.

Report this to the police again. Radio silence from you must be maintained, you must continue to not respond to any such messages.

I did, many times after I left him

OP already did that a few years ago to no permanent effect.

Simply telling him to stop contacting you is not going to work and will simply add fuel to his fire. Disordered of thinking people want a response, that is what he wants here. That and to further punish the OP for having the utter gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

Which “friends” are accepting this monster as a friend? I’d drop them from Facebook explaining they are putting your security at risk (and drop them from real life tbh).

Sorry just realised he is using fake names. There must be friends that keep adding him? (Who in this day and age adds a random person?!!) can you explain the issue to these friends?

Friends aren't knowingly accepting him, he uses alias's and has even made duplicate accounts of real people. EG made an account under the name of a school friend and used her photographs. He's very calculating

Just keep blocking every time he tries.
I'm not sure what else you can do if the police won't do anything.
You must be able to see which 'friends' are accepting him?
Block them too.

I'm sure there's a setting that no one can friend request or message you through? Rather than 'friends of friends'.

Also rather than blocking just the accounts he contacts you through, block any email addresses you know too.

I've warned my social circle several times and whilst I've received a few "heads up" when he's been adding people he does slip through the net.

Crap you actually can't stop friends of friends. That's terrible.

I had to hide online. The quick way is to unfriend and block the people he is friending?! If he talks irl to any or they’d help him find ypu, even innocently, get rid.
If you can find out his mobile number. Block it in your phone.

Here is your checklist for hiding - it is not bullet proof and if he has you on messenger you need to block block block there.

1. Review all photos where you are tagged and untag yourself completely. This way if you change your name, it won’t show there. You also need to hide comments on profile pics, as they are public. Include old one.
2. Unfriend as needed. I had to lose xh family and they understood completely. OR start a new Facebook account and only add people who do not know him.
3. Lock down ALL your data to “only me” and remove any unnecessary stuff. If you have a local place on your profile, unable it to London.
4. Change your profile picture to something else like a rose or an object and change your name to something completely different. THIS IS IMPORTANT: you also have a url in your profile which you MUST manually change or he can still find you.
5. Turn off your active status in messenger.

The harassment laws changed recently so keep records and speak to police again. Use language like threatened, fear, safety etc.

Yes they stop. Pure silence is the best as they are attention craving pricks

I do block every time, my block list is choc full of his accounts.

There will be a period of peace and then out of nowhere he's back again.

It worries me because years ago he broadcast personal photos of me that he should have deleted when we broke up. Accounts in my own name with those photos were adding my family and friends, it was very traumatising.

That was reported to the police but again no evidence to prove it is him. I don't know where he is living now, other than that its in a different city

@Goldilocks3Bears I'll go through that check list and make sure I set everything according thank you

I get this from my very toxic parent. The only thing you can do (or rather the only thing that worked for me) is set up a new account with an alias if necessary and add only family members that are abroad. Effectively abandoning your social media but surely that's worth it to you given you fear your ex's contact?
I'm sure your friends will understand and keep in touch with them in real life. Setup a WhatsApp group for sharing pics etc.

Personally I'd come off of social media. You absolutely shouldn't have to but I can't see how else to stop him

could you see a specialist lawyer in this field? They could advise how to approach this from a legal POV. The police are very good at brushing off concerns, because you as a lay person don’t really know the law around things.
Might be good to be able to speak to the police with all the knowledge of the law.
This is serious stalking and harassment

I’d actually leave your social media account open but stop using it

Start a fresh account and put up a non descript photo then add your true family abroad and friends - just say your old account was comprised

He will then stop searching for you - as he has no reason to look for a second account

Ask the legal question concerning harassment and social media on the legal board?

Oh and set up a new email for the second account, don’t use apps for it either as it’s more secure that way

I would definitely report this to the police again. It is harrassment. Something similar happened to someone I know not so long ago, and the police took it quite seriously, even though her stalker type person hadn't ever threatened her, was just being WAY too invested. I wouldn't worry too much about having "proof" that it's him, unless you are an IT specialist - I would imagine that the police would have more resources and expertise to nail this down than you do.

You poor thing, it sounds horrific.