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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

another one on sex..

38 replies

Ladybug100 · 10/09/2018 08:54

Please tell me your opinion on this:

Husbond and I married for 9 years. Had a few years with sex only 3-5 times a month, agreed to try for 2-3 times a week. Hard with teenagers in house, though!
Anyway, teenager off to boarding school for 3 weeks now, a lot more possibilities, which we have enjoyed.
Wednesday I went to doctor, had a bladder infection, went home with penicillin. Weekend came and went, he knew I was very tired and not feeling well, penicillin pretty strong.
We sat talked yesterday afternoon, and husbond suggested sex. We were home alone, as we have been most of the weekend. I said I was too tired and didnt feel well, but on the upside, I was happy we had been better at "using oppertunities". I dont remember his excact words, but he expressed dissapointment as he had been looking forward of alone time and sex with me, and it had now been a week. (I was/am sick!)
He wasnt angry or pressuring me, just a bit sad (in lack of better word, Im not English)
Is that pressuring? I felt pressured, even though he said he totally understood me not feeling well, and all was ok, no pressure - and he was happy and nice the rest of the evening.
But it was the dissapointment in him, I dont like. He was looking forward of sex with me, in his words. I feel it was a bit more of an expectation, something he took for granted, and he looked like I took his dummy and his favorite toy away.

What do you think? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 10/09/2018 08:57

Yes you’re overreacting. He didn’t pressure you, he wasn’t angry, as you said yourself. You’re both making an effort to have more sex, he’s disappointed you can’t because you’re sick. He didn’t have a go at you, just expressed his feelings. That’s entirely reasonable.

It’s spelt Husband as well, by the way,

Ilove80s · 10/09/2018 09:01

I think it’s ok to express disappointment in your circumstances as long as there was no anger or sulking afterwards.

BitOfFun · 10/09/2018 09:02

I disagree. In any longterm relationship there will be times when one person is sick or in pain etc.

I would expect comfort and sympathy, not whining about what the other person feels they are missing out on.

Livinglavidal0ca · 10/09/2018 09:04

I'd never have sex with a bladder infection. They hurt!!!

Somerville · 10/09/2018 09:07

What would upset me in the circumstances you describe, is him suggesting sex knowing you have a bladder infection and are on antibiotics. It won’t get better unless you abstain until it’s cleared up.
IsTheRainEverComingBack correcting spellings, seriously? Especially when OP isn’t a native English speaker, that’s just goady.

Huskylover1 · 10/09/2018 09:09

Total over reaction. Are you actively looking for some drama?

Original poster
Ladybug100 · 10/09/2018 09:10

BitOfFun - that is what I mean! HE wanted something, HE was dissapointed. No, not sulking; but purely focussed on HIM and HIS needs.
I am the one in pain. And tired and with stomach ache from penicillin. And then he talks about what HE didnt get.

OP posts:
chasinggarlic · 10/09/2018 09:14

He was disappointed. I would have been too. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. It doesn't mean it's all about him. But he is allowed to be disappointed.

I used to think people created such dramas because they enjoyed the feeling but rub I can't see how wasting energy on this can be anything but wearing.

SandyY2K · 10/09/2018 09:20

IsTheRainEverComingBack correcting spellings, seriously? Especially when OP isn’t a native English speaker, that’s just goady.

^ This.

Let it go OP. We all get disappointed now and again.

On another note..why does having teenagers affect when you have sex? That's never been the case for me. Wheb they were younger...yes.

Our teens are on gadgets...watching TV and we go to our bedroom (which has a lock), so they've never restricted our sex life.

Original poster
Ladybug100 · 10/09/2018 09:34

Well I didnt want to create drama and the atmosphere is nice, so it is not that I have a problem as such. I just got the feeling like he felt he was entitled or something.

About the teenagers. I never had a problem when kids were younger, but it is a total turn off for me to do it, with kids awake in house. Then it feels like a chore, for him to take the pressure off. But almost every time kids are out of the house, we jump at the oppertunity.
And yes we had a lot of oppertunity this weekend, and no i didnt feel like it. Hence the dissapointment.
For me - maybe because I am a woman - a bladder infection is ALWAYS a no go and I would never expect sex in that circumstance. And my problem is, that I felt he was expecting it. Otherwise he would not be dissapointed?

Excuse my spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
Kennycalmit · 10/09/2018 09:38

He was looking forward to sex but realised it wouldn’t happen so felt disappointed however he never pressured you into it and not once did he sulk?

Sorry, I don’t know what you’re problem is here. It’s almost like you want to create a problem and in all honesty it sounds like you view sex as a chore? Bladder infection aside.

Original poster
Ladybug100 · 10/09/2018 09:41

Im not trying to create a problem; I am trying to understand what is happening. If that bothers you, feel free to not read further. :-)

OP posts:
Musti · 10/09/2018 10:46

I'd be annoyed with him and would feel pressured with his reaction. You're poorly and poorly near hour sexual organs. It's understandable how you wouldn't feel sexy! Yes he may have been disappointed but it's only temporary and he should have been sympathetic.

Musti · 10/09/2018 10:46

Your not hour

Frosty66611 · 10/09/2018 10:50

I’d probably feel mildly irritated for a few minutes but would soon get over it as it doesn’t sound like a big deal. If he wasn’t sulking about it then I think it’s normal to feel a bit disappointed when looking forward to something and it doesn’t happen.
He’s clearly never had a urine infection though and probably doesn’t understand how painful they can be

LadyInParis · 10/09/2018 10:55

Some of these responses are vile, goady, and just plain nasty for the sake of it. The OP got a bad feeling. She asked for advice. How the fuck is that creating drama?! Weirdos.

OP I understand why you would feel disappointed in his reaction. He shouldn't have even expected sex when you're poorly. At all. Your reaction is totally normal.

But if everything else in your marriage is really truly honestly good and happy, and he is good to you, then I would speak to him gently, or let it go. We're not all perfect so if he is good to you, perhaps forgive him this act of selfishness?

Scott72 · 10/09/2018 11:01

I've read the term "sulking" here a bit, and apparently its a very bad thing, but its such a vague term. It could mean anything from acting sad for a few minutes to full on silent treatment for several hours.

But one anyhow regardless of how you define it, he probably wasn't "sulking". His reaction was fine. Its reasonable that he couldn't have exactly known how much discomfort you were in. He handled the rejection fine. Now you need to learn to be okay when he initiates sex when you don't feel like.

Haireverywhere · 10/09/2018 11:03

Based on your post he was disappointed, expressed it reasonably and you feeling pressured was your reaction but not his fault.

NataliaOsipova · 10/09/2018 11:06

I wouldn't say he was pressuring you, but he'd have been a lot more tactful not to mention it as you obviously weren't well.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/09/2018 11:09

I don't think he was unreasonable. Neither were you. He was fine with you not wanting sex; he just mentioned his disappointment. I'd rue the lost chance too - I wouldn't be putting pressure on you to do it anyway; and it doesn't sound like he was, either.

I hope your bladder infection clears up soon Thanks

Original poster
Ladybug100 · 10/09/2018 11:10

Thank you for the kind replies.
Maybe I am explaining it wrong; I am not trying to make drama. I just had a feeling I could not understand.
He NEVER pressure me. But this... disappointment.. feels like pressure. Even though he did not sulk or anything, I still cant help but thinking "I am sick, you idiot, how can you expect sex - and express disappointment"??!
I cant understand how anybody can EXPECT sex. They can hope, long for, wish for. But expect?? Because, to be disappointed, you have to had expected it. Which is my issue, really, I think.
The minut I told him I had a bladder infection, he should have thought "buggar!" and left it there. But come sunday, he is disappointed.
Yes, luckily he is usually a good husband and I love him. I wont talk to him about this again, I just let it go. I think it was the entitlement I didnt like..
I have tried to spell check everything, I hope I am not upsetting anybody with wrong spelling.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/09/2018 11:14

Because, to be disappointed, you have to had expected it.

I don't think that's true. You can be disappointed with lots of things that you don't expect. You can be disappointed if something you'd hoped for doesn't happen... you can be disappointed with lots of things; for lots of reasons.

Are you still feeling out of sorts from the penicillin? Is there any chance that the sickness is making you feel a bit weird about this, and usually you wouldn't?

Original poster
Ladybug100 · 10/09/2018 11:14

Actually, he did also say that the initiative was up to me now, I had to tell him when I was up for it.

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 10/09/2018 11:18

How are non native speakers meant to learn if no one ever corrects them? It’s not goady to say ‘this is how you spell that word’.

Original poster
Ladybug100 · 10/09/2018 11:20

Yes I am still a bit tender and tired from penicillin. I have been with this bladder infection several months (doctor already told me off) and the penicillin is pretty strong. Obviously we have had sex in these months, and maybe that is why he thought it was no big problem. But the penicillin has killed my stomach and it makes me soooo tired. We had no kids this weekend and I thought that besides work day in school, I would make sure I got plenty of rest. He obviously thought different and it hurt my feelings, that he didnt keep the disappointment to himself.

OP posts:
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