another one on sex..

[Ladybug100]

Please tell me your opinion on this:

Husbond and I married for 9 years. Had a few years with sex only 3-5 times a month, agreed to try for 2-3 times a week. Hard with teenagers in house, though!
Anyway, teenager off to boarding school for 3 weeks now, a lot more possibilities, which we have enjoyed.
Wednesday I went to doctor, had a bladder infection, went home with penicillin. Weekend came and went, he knew I was very tired and not feeling well, penicillin pretty strong.
We sat talked yesterday afternoon, and husbond suggested sex. We were home alone, as we have been most of the weekend. I said I was too tired and didnt feel well, but on the upside, I was happy we had been better at "using oppertunities". I dont remember his excact words, but he expressed dissapointment as he had been looking forward of alone time and sex with me, and it had now been a week. (I was/am sick!)
He wasnt angry or pressuring me, just a bit sad (in lack of better word, Im not English)
Is that pressuring? I felt pressured, even though he said he totally understood me not feeling well, and all was ok, no pressure - and he was happy and nice the rest of the evening.
But it was the dissapointment in him, I dont like. He was looking forward of sex with me, in his words. I feel it was a bit more of an expectation, something he took for granted, and he looked like I took his dummy and his favorite toy away.

What do you think? Am I overreacting?

If he was posting on here I'd tell him to talk to you about his feelings and he has. You both want more sex and it's going to take a bit of time to find a new rhythm. I guess he's feeling rejected, rightly or wrongly.

IsTheRainEverComingBack I asked for opinions on an issue. I didnt ask to be taught English. I dont want to learn I dont need to learn.

Dont teach people stuff you find important, if not asked. Please dont correct my spelling anymore, as it makes this a lot more difficult

Alright! Didn’t realise it would piss you off, my apologies. If I am writing in another language I want to be corrected so I learn. I also answered your question.

Were you giving him regular updates on your infection? Probably he just assumed you were over it. An honest mistake. And yes, it is normal to be disappointed when you try and initiate sex and are rejected, and this is okay provided you don't express this in an inappropriate manner (e.g. "sulking"). If you tried to initiate sex with your husband and he rejected you, you would be disappointed to.

"Actually, he did also say that the initiative was up to me now, I had to tell him when I was up for it."

Now he's overreacting a bit. Don't worry about it. You'll both get over it.

@Ladybug100

IsTheRainEverComingBack I asked for opinions on an issue. I didnt ask to be taught English. I dont want to learn I dont need to learn.

Mic drop.. Awesome answer OP. Well done for sticking up for yourself. I despise sly passive aggressive back tracking when called out bullies.

@IsTheRainEverComingBack

Wanna correct my writing? I'm a native English speaker and fantastic at reading speaking writing. When I want to. I know this post has many grammatical errors including slang. But when I am upset, and want opinions on an upsetting issue, frankly my dear, I dont give a fuck about spelling and grammar. And she isn't even native English! Her post was advice on an issue. Your advice was a pile of shit. She didn't over react. She had feelings. You know, those pesky things humans have? And came here to express them and ask if her feelings were right or if she was thinking strangely. A reaction when you deconstruct the word (here's an English lesson for you sweetheart) is a REsponse to an ACTION. Hence reaction. What was hers? To express her feelings then move on as did he, then come here to ask if her feelings were distorted or not. She didn't overreact. Please correct my post! Please!

I am not pissed off. Sorry it sounded that way. It is just an important discussion for me, and feelings are difficult to explain in context and I am not sure I get it all down here for you do understand.
I read the point that you can actually be disappointed of something, not because you were promised but just because you would like something, and then express disappointment if you are not getting it. Because I dont get that, and that is important. Then his reaction is ok, if a bit selfish. But they way I understood it, I felt that HE felt entitled, which could be an issue for me.

What do you all feel? Can one be disappointed - and express it - just because you hoped for something? Or is there an entitlement in being disappointed?

Ladybug I reckon you just feel rubbish with being unwell, sex is the last thing on your mind and maybe you are disappointed that he didn’t realise how bad you were feeling. Maybe try to tell him that and then you can both move on. It’s good that he has left the initiative up to you. Take your time and wait until you are fully recovered AND in the mood.

@Ladybug100

There are many ways of reading and hearing something that gives us a sense of the meaning behind the words. Tone of voice, wording, facial expressions, etc. Only you know if he was (foolishly and selfishly) just expressing disappointment. Or if he was doing that based on expectation. Many people, in fact most, even subconsciously, pick up on these tiny micro expressions etc, and know deep down the true motivations behind the words. This gives us a feeling or an instinct of the intent or true nature of the interaction that we pick up on and don't know why.

What I mean by all of this is to say; based on your clearly consistent instincts about this expectation, and also the post where you explained him saying you will have to initiate sex from now on (which frankly is manipulative and abusive) is that your feelings that he did indeed expect sex is correct. It is what I would deduce from this situation. What you do now is your business, but I think you're correct. And I'm sorry he did that.

If you bought a raffle ticket for £1 And had a 1 in 10 chance of winning something, you may still be disappointed if you didn't win. Even though you knew it was a long shot and certainly didn't feel entitled to win.

Sorry it's such a poor analogy but I think it demonstrates that you can be disappointed without being entitled.

Thank you for your patience with me!

To be fair, he usually take rejection well. He would like sex 5-7 times a week, anyhow, anywhere, anytime, but never sulk on rejection. We had a loooong summer (7 weeks) with kids up day and night, and I cant be bothered, if there is a chance they catch us. I just dont enjoy it. So we didnt do it much during summer, and he didnt make a big deal out of it.
Now the teenager is off to boarding school and it gives us more opportunity as the 10 year old is sleeping at 8. And we did well, the last 3-4 weeks. Not 5 times a week, but 3-4. And then I then get penicillin and feel bad, I think he was less than supportive!
But, as someone said, he has no clue what a bladder infection does, and I am not the one who go on and on about feeling bad. I even went to work day at the school, most of saturday, so I can maby see his confusion..

@Ladybug100

Don't thank people for being patient that's what we are all here for! It's appreciated I'm sure but please don't feel that you're somehow being annoying that people have to be patient. I think it's clear from your posts, other peoples posts, and your final conclusions, that you have resolved the feeling in your mind and that's great. Again in terms of what I said earlier; when he said you will have to initiate sex, only you know how it was said. So maybe him not knowing how poorly you feel since you don't complain, him perhaps never having had terrible bladder infections and/or strong pills, he just didn't see how poorly you were. He initially felt rejected and expressed this, you explained, then he said you were to initiate it; meaning 'when you're not poorly let me know and we will continue from there as normal'.

Do you think this sounds about right?

Thanks again :-)

Yes I think I will leave it. Im now pretty sure he didnt mean to pressure me, he just dont know how bad I feel, when I dont act like it and dont talk about it. I thought it was in the diagnosis - bladder infection does mean sick and in pain for most - but he has no clue and if I dont spell it out, he dont think of it.
We enjoyed a movie on the sofa and went to bed. This morning he made coffee as usual and we had a good 20 minuts before waking kid up.
I think I thought that disappointment is close to entitlement, but that was wrong and that made a huge difference to me. I read too much here, so get all paranoid about abusive behaviour!
Going to get kid from school now, thank you all again :-)

@Ladybug100

Brilliant. I'm happy it's resolved for you! Have a good day :)

(By the way I'm English living in Paris and the best form for learning French is to speak it here and there and then it builds up. As you likely know! Your English is more than understandable and far better than my French haha. Being corrected doesn't help. Learning naturally does. I'd say besides one or two spelling mistakes your English is fluent. Better even than some English people's writing, and if you hadn't said it I wouldn't have known you weren't native English!)