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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don’t I deserve better?

28 replies

Jaffacakes74 · 10/09/2018 08:48

What would you do in my situation pls, I need some clarity...I have been married for 10 years, out of which I have been operated on 3 times ( for severe endometriosis and then breast cancer). I have just finished my treatment, to be told by my husband that he can’t take the constant illness and having to keep our lives going and if I were to fall sick again he doesn’t know if he could be there for me. On one hand , he came with me to all my chemo sessions and has been a rock and I understand it is exhausting and that we are young, life is unfair. But on the other hand I feel insulted that i have to wait for him to decide whether he wants to stay with me or to separate. Surely I deserve better?

OP posts:

pog100 · 10/09/2018 08:56

He sounds pretty immature and selfish but I suppose at least honest. However, I don't see what he expects you to do about it. You are hardly choosing to get ill!
I think you you need to be equally brutally honest about how that made you feel, and take it from there

mooncuplanding · 10/09/2018 08:58

In sickness and in health?

SandyY2K · 10/09/2018 09:15

I'd be very upset to hear that.

Honestly..it would make me want to split now...because otherwise I'd be so worried about him leaving the next time...that I'd become ill with worry.

Hearing that would make me lose faith in him...as well as trust. I'd be on tenterhooks and most likely develop anxiety.. so he might as well be off now if it was my DH.

mogratpineapple · 10/09/2018 09:57

Surgery, illness and death are physically and emotionally draining for everyone. I was just going to run the list of what has happened to my family and friends recently - then realised that I only need to say that I'm still here. We get through it by being there for each other.

There will come a time when he is ill and there will be no one there for him.

No, you can't live like that, hoping you don't get ill and worrying about how he will react. Seriously think about whether he's the type of person you want in your team.

Craker20 · 10/09/2018 10:03

Who will be there for him when he gets ill or is he invincible?

Can't he just go on a holiday like normal people?

Sorry to hear op, that must be hard to hear after going through all that. xx

CarefullyDrawnMap · 10/09/2018 10:03

Awful thing to say to you. If he was struggling, which would be understandable, he could have sought out a therapist, a support group, spoken to a friend and said something like 'it's been so hard I don't know how I'll face it if we have to go through this again', then gathered himself together and carried on being a loving and supportive husband. Instead he gives you, in effect, a threat or ultimatum that he'll be off if you get ill again. Bastard. Absolute bastard. I would never feel the same way about him again.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2018 10:07

He would be leaving now

How dare he raise that Sword of Damocles above your head.

Like getting ill is under your control Thank him for his honesty then tell him to get to fuck because you have made the decision for him

Damn right you deserve better

MrsMozart · 10/09/2018 10:12

I would split now. I couldn't cope with the not knowing if I was going to get ill again. And what level of illness would trigger him walking?

I do understand what it's like to look after someone. It's tiring and draining and sometimes seems never ending. I also know what it's like to be the one being cared for. There's a whole raft of emotions and frustrations and sadness.

If he can't do it then he can't. He is at least being honest.

A huge hug and handhold lass.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 10/09/2018 10:16

Fingers crossed he is knocked down by a juggernaut and you can leave him in his hospital bed - guilt free
What a twat.

user1492863869 · 10/09/2018 10:24

This is an awful thing to hear but in a way it’s better to know what he is thinking than to not. You can now decide what you want to do.

Personally I would continue the conversation and maybe seek some outside counselling. He may not have properly expressed his true sentiment about how he felt during your illnesses. He could be telling you that his mental health suffered and would be an issue in the future. He could be saying that he would wider need support and is not able to handle things on his own.

One of the great mumsnet statements of wisdom is to look at his deeds and don’t listen to his words. This is a reverse situation to the usual . His actions showed he was stronger than he felt. But yes, coping with a loved ones illness can take its toll in many ways and it can make you see people and relationships in a different light. He may be just stating that this is not the relationship for him and not what he wants from life.

My advice after what you have been through and given how supportive he actually was, go get some counselling and speak to people who have been through the same thing.

Original poster

Jaffacakes74 · 10/09/2018 10:26

Thank you, I appreciate your responses. I want to keep our family together, our son has been through so much. Yet as I told him yesterday, he is in a cushy position trying to decide whether he should walk or not. Apparently the therapist (that he sees alone) has told him, he is young, not bad looking and can start again. Maybe have more kids (I cannot after the endometriosis). The counselor we have seen together, says nothing of the sort and is non directive. Guess whose opinion he respects. Makes me feel really insulted.

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 10/09/2018 10:30

Yikes lass. Sounds like he's already checking out. Now that's being an arse.

Original poster

Jaffacakes74 · 10/09/2018 10:39

Forgot to mention that in the last two weeks, when I tell him I can’t take it anymore and say we should separate, he has had a panic attack. First time, I drove him to A&E where they kept him under surveillance a few hours and prescribed sleeping tablets for the stress. Each time since, I have said enough, he has had panic attacks and is inconsolable.

OP posts:

TooOldForThis67 · 10/09/2018 10:40

I can't believe his therapist said that!
However, I married a man with a life-long illness and it seriously got me down. He wasn't a very nice person when he was ill but he was also a bully when he wasn't. In the end, I left.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/09/2018 10:47

"Each time since, I have said enough, he has had panic attacks and is inconsolable".

That from him I would state is another way of controlling you. I would not be surprised if he has also managed to manipulate this other counsellor he sees alone too to his ways of thinking.

Do not stay with your H though for your son. I realise he has been through a lot but so have you. Staying for the sake of the child rarely if ever is a good idea. What do you want to teach him about relationships and what is he learning here?.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2018 12:44

Is everything all about him ?

What a fucking loser. It sounds like you have been carrying this tool for years, under the pretence of "keeping the family together"

Cut him loose...he is a waste of your energy

NotTheFordType · 10/09/2018 12:51

Apparently the therapist (that he sees alone) has told him, he is young, not bad looking and can start again.

Bollocks. Ask for a joint session so that s/he can tell you this in person.

HarmlessChap · 10/09/2018 12:56

Well I've not been on either side of this but I know a woman who left her husband who was chronically ill because she couldn't cope with caring for him any longer. As for the ones say who's going to be there for him if he gets ill? Well if the op is ill again then he can't be ill, my friend said she lived a life of constant physical and mental exhaustion no time off for illness, no respite what so ever.

It's all very black and white on here that he's an insulting twat, without any appreciation of how it is to be the carer and the toll it will have taken on him.

noego · 10/09/2018 12:57

Apparently the therapist (that he sees alone) has told him, he is young, not bad looking and can start again.

No f**king way. She'd be struck off.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 10/09/2018 13:18

I would be seeking legal advice regarding your marriage op.

Angelf1sh · 10/09/2018 13:25

I can understand a general “I don’t know how I would cope if we have to go through this again” kind of statement, that’s not unreasonable and is just saying how stressful it’s been as a family, but your later posts suggest this is not that. It sounds more like he’s saying “I don’t want the hassle involved in looking after you, so either never get ill again or I’ll trade you in for a healthier model”. If that’s what he’s saying then personally I’d take the decision out of his hands and end it. I don’t see how you can properly heal if you’re on constant tenterhooks.

Original poster

Jaffacakes74 · 10/09/2018 15:10

Thank you all for your responses. Unfortunately, he is damaging our relationship so that even if he chooses to stay I will find it hard to feel as part of a team with him. I can totally understand him being tired and fed up of the situation but being treated like someone of no importance is so hard. He chooses to hear the words he wants from therapists and a marriage counselor. My attempts at improving our lives after my illness are not recognized....

OP posts:

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 10/09/2018 15:14

You can certainly improve your life now op.
To one without such a twat in it.
You do your dc no good staying with such a man.

ineedabodytransplant · 10/09/2018 16:05

Hi Jaffacakes74,

I'll be honest and say I've been where your partner is, although quite a long time ago now. But, I will say I never, ever said I'd walk away. I would never want someone I care for being worried that I would walk when they are at their lowest, but it can be a struggle at times. If you care deeply for your partner then all you want is your partner to be well no matter how impossible it seems. And I would never leave someone who I cared for because they are ill, but everyone is human and can struggle with life and it's 'unfairness' sometimes. Sometimes you cannot see an end to the struggle.
Being a carer, whether you choose the role or not, is difficult. The person who is ill has , hopefully, the support network in place. Sometimes, the 'carer' doesn't know which way to turn for support. Although I will admit it is easier now to search and source support than it was for me back then (Wasn't too easy before the Internet etc - showing my age now) Sometimes it makes you act like a real tool. I know, I learnt the hard way.

I hope that your partner can see that you need him but as a partner not a carer, if that make sense.

Although, he may be a selfish arse and in that case you probably would be better off without him in your life, but there is a hope that what he really needs is support beyond your circle.

I wish you, and your partner, well.

Pessismistic · 10/09/2018 17:36

Sorry this is happening to you op the therapist sounds more like what a female friend would say sounds like he’s wanting out is he using your illness as an excuse? What’s to say he met someone else it would not happen to him again? If he loved you he would be grateful your still alive good luck

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