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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

new relationship

32 replies

Daisy1998 · 09/09/2018 23:30

I tried online dating and have been seeing someone for a few months. I'm a single parent and have been single for the last 10 years since having my son. I love it just being me and my son and we are so close but i started feeling that I should try and find a relationship as I felt lonely sometimes and my son asks me if he can have a family like his friends. He doesn't see his dad and I know he feels upset about it and sees his friends with a dad and siblings. Now he's 10 I thought it is the right time to try and find a relationship and I met someone through OLD.

I haven't introduced him to my son, he doesn't know about him. I really like the person I am seeing but I've found out I am pregnant. I am so happy living on my own with my son, I'm scared of the massive change of being in a relationship and having to live with them. I feel like i should never of tried dating and I can't cope with having to live with him or be in a relationship. The baby would be very much loved and wanted and my son would be over the moon. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend by ending things with him as I know he wants a child but I am scared of everything changing.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 09/09/2018 23:35

Eh, your boyfriend may want a child but that is no guarantee you are going to end up in a stable, committed relationship.
You're more likely going to end up a single parent again. Is this what you want?

Creeper8 · 09/09/2018 23:37

You've only been together a few months? Realistically speaking sounds like your going to be a single parent again, was the baby planned?

MMmomDD · 10/09/2018 00:05

OP - I don’t know why but I get a strange vibe from your post.
Was your desire to have another baby the driver for your dating?

Most women would be wondering and questionig what to do, and scared of being a single mother, and worry about money, etc.
And you seem to want to do that one more time. And actively not want the biological father around.

Anyway. I highly doubt your 10yo son will be over the moon at having a baby in the house and losing his mom to the care of a newborn. And then a toddler....
But it’s unlikely you’ll hear this and consider your son’s best interests.

Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 00:05

No the baby wasn't planned we were using protection every time, I am scared of having to be in a committed relationship as I'm so used to being on my own but I would want to for the baby's sake. He really wants kids and think he would want to be committed but that's what I'm scared of as I don't know if I can cope with being in a committed relationship as I'm so used to being single. I also feel like a terrible mum as it's so bad having a baby with someone I don't know very well and the change for my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 00:08

No not at all my drive was to try and give my son a normal family and a father figure. I am scared of being a single mum again as I know how hard it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 00:10

I have not dated for 10 years because of wanting to put my son first, I only care about my son's best interests.

OP posts:
Motherofpearl19 · 10/09/2018 00:22

Hi @Daisy1998, I hope you are OK, you have lots to think about and it's clear from your post that you are trying to consider a few peoples feelings and futures here, including your own. I understand you feeling freaked out now, and perhaps you only recently found out your are pregnant, so it's a bit overwhelming....?

It's already clear that (ideally) you wouldn't have wanted to get pregnant this way, but it does sound like a part of you is also pleased. I know it probably feels daunting but perhaps if you speak to your partner about it (sooner rather than later?) you might be able to unpack some of the conflicting feelings you have about commitment. You say you like this guy - so hopefully he'll be supportive and helpful and you can get to a point where you feel clearer about how to have your new baby - if that's what you decide to do...

Wishing you lots of luck.

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 00:31

You don't have to be in a committed relationship just because you're having a baby. Have it, its going to be loved and wanted, and you can be like any other single parent. If the dp's happy, he can help out, be a dad, pay cm and everyone's happy.

Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 00:33

Thank you mother of pearl 19, how would I tell my family I'm having a baby to someone I've only been seeing a few months when they are very strict and don't know about me seeing anyone, I couldn't face it.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 10/09/2018 00:35

OK - OP, first things first....
Can you afford to raise this baby ok your own? Will you be able to put a roof over their heads, feed them, give then the time and attention they’ll need.

You keep focusing on you not being ready for a committed relationship. But that may not even be on the cards. You two barely know each other. You may or may not have a future as a couple.
If you keep the baby - you may end up being ‘co-parents’, rather than a couple.
So - I’d not worry about that at this point.

Think about your and your son’s life. And how it’ll change if there is a new baby.
Start there.

Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 00:52

He does ask for a brother or sister and he would love holding and playing with the baby. I could see him loving having a baby and then toddler. I feel like such an idiot and a terrible mum. I have a stable home and a very happy positive home. I am on benefits due to severe anxiety and have been for the last 10 years.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 10/09/2018 07:19

Do you think deep down you wanted another baby, and which may be why you were lax on contraception?

At three months you do not really know someone, it could go either way so I be prepared to stay a single mum but hopefully the dad will be involved regardless.

MMmomDD · 10/09/2018 09:48

OP - I am sorry, but you sound like a teenager who has no idea of what having a baby is like.
Your 10yo may in some theory want a sibling - but he doesn’t know what having a baby in the house actually means.
There is no holding/playing with the baby.
There is hourly feelings, pampers, no sleep - and life being ruled by baby’s schedule.
No 10yo will enjoy it. Don’t try to convince yourself.

Nothing in your desicruotion if the situation sounds like having a baby is something you can undertake.
You aren’t in a relationship that’ll last. And mentally or financially - you aren’t really in a place to be taking care of another life.
It’s just irresponsible.

I know I am wasting my words here, but on an odd chance that you’ll hear me - please think of your son and don’t change his life.

twilightsaga · 10/09/2018 10:38

@MMmomDD that's a bit harsh. Why wouldn't he be over the moon? Lots of parents go on to have more children it doesn't mean they're 'losing' their mother to a newborn and toddler. And to suggest having the baby would not be considering her sons best interests is a bit mean

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2018 10:40

What an absolute disaster. You need to really think this through.

MMmomDD · 10/09/2018 13:34

@twilightsaga
Yes - parents do go on to have more children. And every family is different.

Read through the OP’s posts and judge for yourself if this all sounds like a best situation to bring a new baby into. Or if OP sounds like she is at a place where she can handle another baby as a single mother.

Harsh it may be. But realistic it is as well.

twilightsaga · 10/09/2018 13:43

@MMmomDD you're just being quite judgemental. Any relationship can end leaving you a single parent. I had my second child when my first was 11 and she has loved it. Why would feeds and nappies bother a 10 yo? They're not the ones doing them. OP sounds worried about the relationship being new and now suddenly becoming serious now a baby is in the mix. It doesn't mean she shouldn't have the baby just because she may end up alone.

userblah · 10/09/2018 14:02

You've mentioned you're scared of being a single mum and also that you're scared of being in a committed relationship ........yet you tried OLD so that you could give your son a father figure........

There's a lot of things that are contradictory here.

Have you told the father of the baby? !

Rebecca36 · 10/09/2018 14:11

I also wondered if you have told your unborn baby's father about your pregnancy. If you haven't you still have choices.

Regarding your son wanting siblings, they often do but they get over it. Also he could have a nice, friendly relationship with your man friend without living together.

Personally I think it is too early in the relationship for the pair of you to be settling down and setting up home, especially as you enjoy being on your own with your son.

Think carefully about it but obviously not for too long.

Creeper8 · 10/09/2018 14:16

My nephew is desperate for a sibling but whenever he is around my kids he struggles and cant handle the noise as he isnt use to being around kids since hes an only child (14 now) not only has your son not met your bf he is going to be introduced to a new partner and a baby on the way. Its alot to deal with. After 3 months you barely know the man. Is he happy about the pregnancy?

MMmomDD · 10/09/2018 14:44

@twilightsaga
Was your second child by a man, your first child hasn’t met yet?
And were you in a similar situation - you and your first child - a family unit for 10 years?
And did you have MN challenges?
And money became even tighter?

As to me - I had a S-father sprung on me at about the same age as her boy. Went away for the summer, came back and he had moved in.
If there was also a baby involved - 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Never went on to develop a relationship with s-father.
So - situations are different.

It’s not about her most likely ending up alone. It’s that she doesn’t seem to be in a good place to have another child on her own.

Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 16:16

Thank you for everyone's replies it helps to have others advice. I know I've made a massive mistake, I think I was worrying so much about wanting my son to have a normal family and have made a massive mistake. Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 16:44

My son's dad was abusive but I left when I found out I was pregnant and moved to a different area. I think it's as I am happy and have a happy positive house with my son it's just too frightening for me to get involved with someone and live together possibly in the future and it wouldn't be fair on my son especially such big changes.

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 10/09/2018 16:49

Your OP states your BF "doesn't know about your son". Do u mean he doesn't know your son exists? If so then this has disaster written all over it. Sorry if that sounds harsh and I hope you can resolve it.

Original poster
Daisy1998 · 10/09/2018 17:15

I meant my son doesn't know about my boyfriend

OP posts:
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