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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he doesn't sleep with me as much

29 replies

blueechalk · 09/09/2018 20:18

So I've been seeing this older guy roughly 17 years age gap for a year and a half and it all started off as a fling. However we have become closer and a little more serious over the year but he can be really inconsiderate and careless with me. So we're always on and off and I feel like he doesn't want to be seen with me in public so much because of our age gap although we do go out here and there and briefly I'll meet his friends when we're in the car.
But the point is, I'm pregnant and initially he was very distant but now seems positive about it (he has kids of his own from previous relationships but is refused from seeing them) so I can see why he wants another one and is keen to make another start again with a new relationship. But lol the question I'm asking, is that why we don't seem to sleep with each other as often as we used to before. We're very intimate as in we'll cuddle a lot in bed and he seems to behave more affectionate towards me and not just sexually trying to gain something like he mainly did before. Although I have to admit, I know he does want to sleep with me more than once but I prefer to make him initiate lol just for fun so I won't really encourage but I'll just be affectionate back, but anyways he normally persists and we'll end up doing it a lot. Since before the pregnancy and maybe a month before I found out he hasn't been very driven to sleep with me multiple times. Like last night for instance, we only did it once and he just fell asleep after cos he was so tired. I want the intimacy back and I know I should initiate more, but I do try to get him into the mood later on in the night but he's always sleepy. I just wondered what this could possibly mean, I know he's very stressed about me having his baby because no one would approve, especially his parents who don;t even know I exist, well mine don;t know he exists either.

sorry for the long message but I've always been confused about our relationship which was never one to begin with anyway and this reduction in sexual intimacy yet his growing affection confuses me.

OP posts:

InezGraves · 09/09/2018 20:23

So you’re accidentally pregnant by an on-and-off fling who’s 17 years your senior, is court-prevented from seeing his other children, distant about the pregnancy, refuses to be seen with you in public, and is inconsiderate and careless — and what you’re worried about is the lack of sex???

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/09/2018 20:26

I'm speechless... why are you with this man? He sounds like an arsehole. Does he have any redeeming qualities besides being a good shag (when you can get it?) It really comes across that he is using you.

DonkeyPlease · 09/09/2018 20:29

why we don't seem to sleep with each other as often as we used to before

Because he quite obviously only wanted to shag you. And now you're pregnant and I'm sure it's dawned on him that he's got himself into trouble now, now he's stuck with someone he doesn't even like, let alone love.

This is all relatively obvious op. Sorry.

Do you have friends and family who can support you and baby?

How old are you?
How far along is the pregnancy?

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/09/2018 20:30

You come across very young OP. You seem incredibly naive. His parents and yours don't know you're together... he won't be seen in public with you... He's only affectionate in bed and he has children but he is not allowed to see them...

Aren't there massive Big Ben sized alarm bells going off here?

He doesn't seem the least bit interested in you besides as a shag. And the fact you don't see that is.. worrying. Are you ok OP?

Pieceofpurplesky · 09/09/2018 20:46

How old are you OP?

Icklepup · 09/09/2018 20:51

Oh dear...

EdWinchester · 09/09/2018 20:53

'Sleep with' - why the euphemism?

He sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you.

Original poster

blueechalk · 15/09/2018 01:17

Yeah i really am foolish, he's basically the first guy i've ever been with and i'm 21. If i'm honest him not sleeping with me as much is the least of my worries. He's just always been so conflicting. Every time i try to end things he won't let me go. But then he won't give me what i want, a relationship where we are a proper couple. He says he wants me to move in with him (and i never initiate these conversations of having a future together, because i know deep down it wouldn't work out) and he'll talk to my bump sometimes and just the other week, we had a row and i got out his car to go home and he called me crying like a big baby it was so weird i had never heard hjm cry so much, when i was crying down the phone about how he treats me and that i wanted to end it. As usual he had a way of making me feel sorry for him and give in. I guess i'm really attached to him, but why is he such a let down. I am trying to plan my future as a single mum even if he says he wants to help but it's so hard.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 15/09/2018 05:03

At 38 I would have found my 21 year old self to be quite volatile, immature lacking reason. The switch from primarily seeking sex to being more affectionate is a good thing, and may linked to your pregnancy. Alternatively the rollercoaster character of your relationship makes him feel more protective but less sexually attracted to you.

However this has disaster written all over it. Why can't he see his other children? Why do you think it's a good time to have children at only 21?

Rebecca36 · 15/09/2018 05:15

Do you know why he is not allowed to see his children?
More importantly, do you really want the baby you are carrying.

Your man friend sounds totally unreasonable and unsuitable for you in my opinion.

Original poster

blueechalk · 15/09/2018 10:42

He can't see the children from his first relationship because of a restraining order, it's not because he's dangerous to the kids but him and his ex broke up badly and she was making a lot of accusations about him. The second ex stops him from seeing them because he left her as she has bipolar and was constantly aggressive with him and her other children, she has also called the police on him when he has tried to make contact with the kids.

If i'm honest, i didn't want the baby whn i first found out about it and kept ignoring the situation. When i finally got to the abortion clinic i couldn't bring myself to kill a poor innocent soul, i saw it on the scan and how helpless it was inside me and it disgusted me when i heard about the option of how to kill it. Made me sick. Now i'm 21 weeks, found out it was a boy and i love him more than anything and despite how he came to existence, i can't wait to have him in my arms.

OP posts:

Kennycalmit · 15/09/2018 12:34

Oh OP. He’s really got you where he wants you hadn’t he

You really believe those things about his ex’s? If his ex really did have bipolar and was as ‘bad’ as you say she is, she wouldn’t have her kids around her! If he truly wanted to be a father he’d of done all he could to get access.

As for the first wife, courts/police don’t hand out restraining orders that easily. They would’ve had proof and good reason to prevent him from seeing the kids. The fact he’s not done anything physical to the kids means nothing when he isn’t allowed anywhere near him - he’s obviously a danger to them somehow!

I’m in my late 20’s and wish that when I was 21 people had been more brutually honest with me so I’m about to with you.

Grow up. You’re about to become a mother so it isn’t just about you anymore. He doesn’t give a shit about his ex’s, he doesn’t give a shit about his other kids and he doesn’t give a shit about you - so why would he give a shit about this child?
Stop believing his lies about his ex’s. Stop worrying about why he doesn’t want to sleep with you and start worrying about how you’re going to provide for this child as a single mother. I would never advise this lighty but the kindest thing you could do for your child is to get the hell away from this man and let him have nothing to do with either of you (on the unrealistic chance he’d want to..)

He’s a crap dad. He’s a danger. Your child deserves better and so do you

HoleyCoMoley · 15/09/2018 12:42

Strange how it's never his fault. You're better off without him in your life, his crying and getting emotional, it's just manipulative. Do you really believe his stories about 2 ex partners.

Butterfly44 · 15/09/2018 13:05

You need to go speak to your parents and tell them the full story. You need their support right now. Absolutely agree with previous that he hasn't told truth about access to other children - but odd isn't it - 2 separate women. Maybe you should try contacting one of them since your son with be a half brother!

Horseradishwrap · 15/09/2018 13:08

OP it seems very unlikely that not one but two of his exes have shut him out through no fault of his own. He's 38 and will soon have children by three different women.

You need to take responsibility and accept you probably won't want him to be around as a father or partner. He sounds awful. Sorry.

SandyY2K · 15/09/2018 13:09

I don't know what to say. This is an almighty mess.

In several years, you'll be the one getting a restraining order against him.

This doesn't sound like a a great environment to welcome a baby into.

5LeafClover · 15/09/2018 13:10

Great post from Kennycalmit

This is like a red flag parade op, but you don't have to keep marching along to the band.

You are only 21. There is time to start again with your little boy as a single mum. You deserve a partner who doesn't isolate you, who puts you first, who respects you enough to listen when you want to end the relationship and who hasn't got a history of abandoned children and restraining orders. Listen to your instincts and don't be bullied into settling for less.

If you can you talk to your parents at all now might be the time.

northernglam · 15/09/2018 15:29

Ask the police if there are any records of domestic violence concerns about him. He has lied about why he can't see his kids it will almost certainly be because of serious domestic violence. This happened to someone I know who suffered horrendous abuse and then contacted ex and found out he had a long history of doing same to previous partners and children.

Original poster

blueechalk · 15/09/2018 21:18

Not that i'm trying to defend him, but he always talks about his kids and how much he misses them and how unfair it is he isn't allowed to see them. Of course he had to play some part in it but i don't doubt he doesn't love his children at all. There are photos of them littered all over his fb. And he told me would prefer if i was having a boy cos he has three daughters and only one son. Thanks for your responses, i am planning a future for just me and my son but i wanna keep him in the picture for financial support. My family would have a heart attack if they knew about this so i'm pretty much on my own, except for my friends.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2018 21:26

Well if he’s got photos of them on Facebook I’m sure he’s a good dad

You can get child support from him without having a relationship with him.

It sounds like when you ditch him he’s unlikely to want anything to do with your son anyway.

You need to walk away now, tell your parents and get as much support from your friends as you can.

Do you work and what’s your housing situation?

Cawfee · 16/09/2018 04:02

OMG. Oh OP :( he’s restrained from seeing his kids and telling you it’s all the fault of TWO exes...no, just no. This is why he’s gone for somebody of your age. Its classic. You really really need to tell your family and get urgent help. I’d suggest getting in contact with the exes and finding out what really happened. You’re potentially with somebody very dangerous. Start working out how to get him out of your life.

rotavixsucks · 16/09/2018 05:01

Your posts a raising red flags all over the place, he sounds manipulative and controlling and there is a very good reason why he doesn't see his kids.

Sex is the least of your worries, you need to sort out your situation-decide what you want and seek support from those who love you. They may be shocked but they will come round. Please do not isolate yourself.

Does he have daughters with both his ex partners? The comment that he's glad it's a boy is raising serious alarm bells for me.

SilverLining10 · 16/09/2018 05:49

You sound incredibly immature and naive. Red flags are plastered all over and yet you cant see it. Sorry op but this man saw you coming a mile away. If you stay with him and continue being this naive you will have alot of heartache.

Original poster

blueechalk · 16/09/2018 08:50

Everyone seems to think he's abusive lol, i am sure he is not. We've been seeing each other a year and a half and he has not showed any aggressiveness. But he does sell drugs on the side, he is ridiculously foolish with his money always in debt every month, that's what caused his first break up, the drugs and money probably, although he makes out it was his ex who was a goldigger because he was earning a lot of money. And his family are quite wealthy but he wastes his money on stupid stuff. He really is a horrible person, it's taken me this long to realise as i was hoping he would change especially as i couldn't turn my feelings off for him. And i know i seem like such a stupid girl, some of my friends kept telling me to drop him, but i just became so attached and it was hard to let go. He always says he wants to die because he's not allowed to see his kids. And as for the bipolar ex, it is true because i heard him talk about her to his friend. The only reason he got with her is cos he wanted to get over his first and having twin girls with her was unplanned.

I do work and i'm housesharing at the moment, and stay at my mums sometimes, but i really can't raise a baby at my mums it's overcrowded and small.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 16/09/2018 09:15

Drug dealer too! You'll never be completely rid of this man now you're having this baby. You couldi limit his influence and control over you and your child by going to social services now and speaking to them.

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