Cheating Advice

[NeedAdvice19]

Not sure what I’m looking for by posting this but here goes...

I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 26, we’ve been together for 9 years since I was 15 and he was 17. He recently cheated on me whilst he was very drunk, told me and we’ve been trying to make it work. However since this confession he’s now confessed to cheating on me 3 times when he was 18/19, going to a strip club and somewhere questionable in Amsterdam, albeit “nothing happened”.

Is this normal? What should I do? Am I being naive to think most men don’t have skeletons in their closets?

So these women all just gave him blowjobs and went on their merry way? Or did he return the favour?

Stuff happens before you get to that stage. Some flirting...comments..recognition of mutal attraction. It doesn't go from nothing to a BJ.

If he was so shocked he did it... why do it a few more times?

I'd be wondering why he's telling you now. Did any of his mates know what happened? I'm not sure I believe it's just because he wants to come clean. Perhaps someone was threatening to yell you about it and he got in first.

I disagree that a BJ is more intimate than sex, with sex you risk stds and pregnancy even with using a condom, I know you can get std from a BJ but they are less common and as I said no risk of pregnancy.

Is it crazy to cling to the idea that I know he’ll be a good dad?

You can't know this for sure. You can't even know you'll be a good mum...but you know you'll give it your very best.

That all men are the same and even if I leave him the next one will just do the same?

Not all men are the same..in the same way not all women are the same. It seems your circle of friends...the men cheat easily and having your OH forgive so easily has made it seem normal to you.

If you'd cheated on him and had other men give you oral sex on several occasions, would he accept it?

For me the message being sent (If I was him) is that cheating isn't a deal breaker for you. I'd also be thinking...if she doesn't leave me now..She won't leave if we're married or have kids and I cheat again.

This is about the easiest time to end it.

He's cheated while you're young with no kids .... that doesn't bode well for when you're married...pregnant or have the stress of sleepless nights.

If someone cheats while things are generally good in a relationship ... heaven help you if there's a sniff of a problem.

If nothing else I'd be telling him I need a break from the relationship to think about things. I'd have to make him realise that losing me is very much on the table.

A simple forgiveness means no consequences. That's a green light for many people.

Stuff happens before you get to that stage Some flirting...comments..recognition of mutal attraction. It doesn't go from nothing to a BJ

I agree. I don't know any women who would give a complete stranger a blow job. There will have been a lot of flirting (all evening) and building up to a BJ. Also, talk about whose home to go to, to do the deed. And what woman would take home a man, who could hardly stand? You'd never get rid of him. Who wants a strange drunk asleep on their floor? And, I have never known a BJ to not lead on to full sex. Otherwise, what's in it for the woman?

Also, is he honestly telling you, that he's managed to get BJ's off random women on nights out, but when he was in an establishment where there are paid sex workers, who are there for the very purpose of supplying sex, that he couldn't muster up any action? Okaaaaay.

I disagree that a BJ is more intimate than sex

I guess it's subjective really. I personally agree that it's more intimate.

It doesn't carry the risk of pregnancy, but that's a different matter.

Putting the private parts of a guy/woman you've just met in your mouth on a night out is really intimate to me.

Also, unless he actually came in her mouth, surely they'd have to move on to other stuff, to finish the Deed? Do many women let a strange man come in their mouth. I don't reckon so.

Otherwise, what's in it for the woman?

Exactly. Having so many inches in your mouth, down your throat for what in return.

You'd give a random bloke a BJ..after he's been out several hours that night...probably a bit sweaty...he's been to the toilet and had a pi** ... and not that fresh ...but you'd put his penis in your mouth without hesitation.

I guess it's possible. Stranger things have happened. He's got lucky to have this on a number of occasions though.

Is he very good looking or flash with his cash?

Loads of women give bjs on a night out, Ive got male friends Ive heard it all. I think some people on here are naive, It does happen.

You'd give a random bloke a BJ..after he's been out several hours that night...probably a bit sweaty...he's been to the toilet and had a pi ... and not that fresh ...but you'd put his penis in your mouth without hesitation

Ew. And there was me, thinking that a kebab was the best way to round off a good night out.

Ive got male friends Ive heard it all

Don't believe everything you "hear". Men are known to wildly exagerate their sex stories.

No females I know would give bj without anything in return op.

That all men are the same and even if I leave him the next one will just do the same?

Don’t use that as an excuse to stay with him. No all men are not like that.

He’s all you’ve known. I was in a LTR at your age. Split up when I was 24. Thank god I did. Very happily married to someone else now, to the right person.

He’s cheated on you four times. Don’t make it five. You can’t spend the rest of your life making sure he doesn’t drink or go out. Are you sure being with him isn’t just habit? It’s scary when it’s all you’ve known but being single for a bit can be a great thing. It certainly changed who I was.

You do want you want to do Needadvice 19.

But you’re both young and although he says he won’t drink or go out again, it’s highly unlikely that that that’ll hold true for another 50 or 60 years.

Lots of women here could tell you their own stories of broken promises (myself included). It becomes harder to walk away once you’ve got children and joint financial commitments (but not impossible).

Yes, there are many couples who’ve overcome infidelity but many more women who’ve given second, third, fourth chances to undeserving men who will shit on them given half the chance.

1 you are VERY young to be thinking about tying yourself down to one person. ESPECIALLY when he's been your ONLY relationship. That in itself I personally think is a bad idea.

2 he's cheated on multiple occasions. The precise details are frankly irrelevant although I too think "it was only a bj" is HIGHLY unlikely. Strongly recommend you get full sti screening too. That's another thing - wasn't thinking about your health when he was lying to you was he? That's not "treating you very well" is it? I also think he's told you now to beat someone else to the punch! Which means potentially one of them was someone you know, even a friend of yours.

3 he has a poor attitude to women. The kind of men who go to strip clubs and "dubious" places in Amsterdam do not in my experience view women as equals. That never changes. How would he react if you had cheated? Or even just been tempted? I suspect he'd treat you MUCH more harshly. With you saying he "dotes" on his mum I'd be worried from a Madonna/whore complex perspective too.

"You’re probably right. I just feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life."
You really haven't, you've only been with him 9 years - that's easily a 10th of your whole life given you'll likely live into your 90's. It's also buying into the "sunken costs fallacy" look it up.

PLEASE don't waste any more time on a lying, misogynistic, self serving cheat! You deserve SO much more!

You can't POSSIBLY know he'll be a good dad. He's certainly not behaving like a mature sensible adult now.

There ARE good men out there, but honestly it's much easier to meet and start a relationship with them while you're young, before you have the added complications of children or a divorce behind you.