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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating Advice

64 replies

NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 12:44

Not sure what I’m looking for by posting this but here goes...

I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 26, we’ve been together for 9 years since I was 15 and he was 17. He recently cheated on me whilst he was very drunk, told me and we’ve been trying to make it work. However since this confession he’s now confessed to cheating on me 3 times when he was 18/19, going to a strip club and somewhere questionable in Amsterdam, albeit “nothing happened”.

Is this normal? What should I do? Am I being naive to think most men don’t have skeletons in their closets?

OP posts:
lowtide · 09/09/2018 13:50

Lots of men are good dads and don’t let a stranger suck their dick repeatedly.
It’s about respect. You’ve only known this one man in your life.
Could you do to him what he’s done to you?

I struggle to understand why anyone stays in a relationship with cheating involved. But I guess if you’ve got kids and a nice life and a mortgage it’s a slightly different scenario.
But you don’t. And you should believe you’re worth more than this.

category12 · 09/09/2018 13:50

What's the point on thinking about whether he'd be a good dad? He's not a good partner and that's the starting point for a happy family life.

He's cheated on you lots of times - probably paid for it that time in Amsterdam.

Choose a better future without him in it. There's so much more out there than this. Much better men.

Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 13:52

I think I’m still very confused and can’t make a rational decision just yet, I just want to believe him when he says he won’t do it again as it means I haven’t been blindsided by someone who was someone completely different for so many years. It feels like I’ve been conned.

OP posts:
Horseradishwrap · 09/09/2018 13:52

Don't let him having been drunk excuse his behaviour. He was alert enough to go somewhere, have an erection and enjoy his blow jobs. I've never mistakenly received oral sex when drunk, let alone on multiple occasions.

You have got plenty of time to find someone decent and faithful.

dillydally446 · 09/09/2018 13:52

This person has absolutely no respect for you, you are worth so much more. Don't sell yourself short in life.

Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 13:53

You’re all probably right I just don’t want to believe that it’s over.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/09/2018 13:56

He wasn't completely different - he was cheating on you in those years - you just didn't know it.

lowtide · 09/09/2018 13:57

Have you thought about talking to someone in RL about this. We are just strangers on the internet.
I understand why you might not. It’s like if you say it out loud then it all becomes real.
Take your time, have a proper think about your life and what you want and what kind of person you want to spend it with.
This is. Crucial time for you. Forget everyone else. Most people put their blinkers on in life and just hope it’s all going to be ok. It doesn’t work as a long term plan.

Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 13:59

Yes I’m starting to think i’ll need professional help to get over it. I just had to reach out to somewhere to understand whether I was being dramatic or not but I don’t think I am.

OP posts:
lowtide · 09/09/2018 13:59

And perhaps read some threads on here from women who are facing this in 10 -15 years from you. With 20+ years of marriage and many early forgivenesses

lowtide · 09/09/2018 14:01

And no you’re not being dramatic. Far fucking from it!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 14:03

Yes, it’s crazy to stick to the idea he’ll be a good Dad. But I did that too...🙄 we are all different, but really not. You love him, in many ways he loves you too. You don’t want to throw your ‘history’ away...I get all that. But he will hurt you again and again. No matter how amazing he is in other ways, he’ll still let some woman give him a BJ, and more, because he feels entitled to do so...you’ve forgiven him this time, he will feel you will again (no matter what you say) especially when you’re tied to him with kids and it’s not easy to leave.

I, too, thought what we had was different/special, that he meant it when he promised never to do it again, that he’d learnt his lesson...but in the end it didn’t matter, I was a wreck trying to ‘get past it’ and he just wanted it buried. I eventually ended it.

We believe it because we want to, because we love them...I know if it happened to me now I’d want to forgive, I’d want to ‘get past it’, I’d want to believe...but I also know it’s soul destroying and that no matter what I want it will have already destroyed it by that point and I would NOT stay.

MMmomDD · 09/09/2018 14:05

OP - if by ‘working out OK’ - you mean the women were OK - then yes....
There is no good outcome of this story if you stay together now.
It’s highly unlikely that in this day people stay monogamous with one partner they met as teenagers.
Curiosity of what it’s like with others will always be there.

Your best bet is to take a break and date others. Get it out if your system and then see if the older, more mature him, and you - still want to be together.

You are clinging to him because you don’t know anything outside of this relationship.
Dating others will be good for both of you.

Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 14:06

He’s adamant it’ll never happen again, he says he’ll never drink again as he’d never do anything like it sober... but the thought of it happening again does scare me, but what if I did give it a chance and it didn’t? I’d have the life I’ve always dreamed of.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 14:07

That’s great advice MMmomDD, thank you x

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 14:10

No, you’re not being dramatic.

Finding out they’re not 100% who you thought they were is HARD. It hurts, you feel stupid, embarassed etc, you want it swept under the carpet too...you love them. You don’t stop loving them the minute you find something like this out. If only it was that easy!

lowtide · 09/09/2018 14:13

He’s not taken responsibility for it, he’s blaming drink for it.
There will be things he blames it on in the future.
Do you want to be with someone who can only control cheating by not drinking? You think he’s never going to drink again in his life? What happens when he does drink again?

Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 14:15

I’ve said this to him but he said he is so shocked at what he did he never wants to drink again.. and for someone who drinks every weekend, having 3 months off is quite a feat. I don’t know why I keep sticking up for him, I just wish I could erase all his mistakes.

OP posts:
lowtide · 09/09/2018 14:15

But he did it REPEATEDLY

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/09/2018 14:16

It’s happened several times already. He didn’t feel like an absolute shit the first few times and went on to do it again recently. Getting his cock sucked by someone else was worth losing you over. He says he’ll stop drinking and wouldn’t do it sober, but really? Will he really never have another drink? Will he really not let some girl do it if she’s offering on a night out when you’re at home, knee deep in nappies - tired and really not in the mood for sex?

Will you ever relax when he out without you?

Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 14:18

All very good questions. I think I’m just in denial but 2 very close friends have recently been through the same but have persevered and made it work. Obviously I don’t know what happens behind closed doors but as far as I can tell they’re happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedAdvice19 · 09/09/2018 14:18

He says he’ll never go out again.

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 09/09/2018 14:23

You can't live life him not going out and never ever drinking. He will resent you.

You are only 24 and have life ahead of you. Don't stay with him. He will cheat again. Your friends may think they are worked it out but they won't ever truly know and have to live with the insecurity. Do you really want that. Splitting from him may also help him change his ways for when he meets someone else

lowtide · 09/09/2018 14:23

He’s lying. It actually gets worse. He Blames the drink. He’ll Never go out again.
Don’t be naive
And don’t base your relationship on other people’s lives that you don’t know about. Everyone pretends they’re ok. Maybe they are.
This isn’t about anyone else other than you

redastherose · 09/09/2018 14:31

Unfortunately it's all words OP. He chose to do what he did and he has made that same choice several times now.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life together with him worrying every time he goes out that he'll have a drink and end up with his cock in some other woman? When he comes home from the works Christmas do and has had a skin full will you be able to accept him saying that he didn't do anything and believe him?

You could waste many many more years of your life on him, have a family than find out that what he's told you now wasn't the whole truth and that he'd actually done much more. How broken do you think you will feel then with children to think of too?

You are young, you have your whole life in front of you, you have plenty of time to meet someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated. Also, all men are not the same and if your partner is the one saying that then it shows you that he doesn't think what he's done is really that bad and is using the misogynistic excuse that men all need to do things like this and that they don't matter.

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