Is this a huge thing...or am I being silly?

[ThunderInMyHeart]

I appreciate my issue is tiny in comparison to other threads on this board, but it's been niggling me.

Last night I (31) was out with my boyfriend (30, dating a year, live together) and his friends for a friend's birthday celebration. Not a huge fan of this friendship group - they regularly go away for long weekends just to do drugs... BF has not been on the last few weekends (that have occurred whilst dating me) as he 'doesn't want to do drugs any more'. I hide the disdain for their lifestyles from the group. BF full well knows my thoughts.

BF has said for the last few months that he's going to look for a new job (we both are due to mortgage/house-buying reasons). I committed to the same thing and have been/am going through 4 different interviews processes; he, none. His CV hasn't even gone out. For context, I am already pulling double weight financially in that my salary is twice his.

He's childish when drunk i.e. says random unrelated sentences interrupting the other person talking. I feel like I have to paper/gloss over his bizarre interjections. Babysit him. It's embarrassing, but not that much of a biggie. But last night, him and the friends are jokingly flipping the bird at each other, just being fucking teenage. I’m just grinning and wishing I could go home…I’d had to go into the office that afternoon to work and on-top of the month of interviews I’ve been doing (with the aim of: buy house, get great mat package…being a grown-up), I just thought, ‘FFS. When is he going to grow up? He says he wants kids with me, buy a house etc, but, jesus. It feels like I’m the only one putting pen to paper…and he enjoys these shit-tastic nights out with these people’

Anyway, I’m chatting to one of his friends and enjoying the conversation, then I see my boyfriend at the bar talking to one of the girls in the group. He’s known her for maybe 4-5 years, but last saw her a year ago. They’re not best friends or even great friends. I see him wrap his arms around her waist, her arms over his shoulders, he’s lifting her up and bear-hugging. Her feet are dangling in the air and it’s full-body contact with her head in his neck. I was fuming, but had to restrain for the sake of not upsetting the party. When he came over to me, I said ‘that’s not cool what you did’…his reply: ‘oh you’re being ridiculous. She has a boyfriend’…as if her having a boyfriend makes a difference. What then pissed me off further was that he apologised to me, but then called me ridiculous for feeling how I did…so, in essence, a non-apology. He admitted that had a guy done that to me, he wouldn’t have liked it at all. In my book, that kind of a hug is 100% not appropriate.

I left the party about 15 minutes later. And part of me did think 'what else does he do when drunk? What else haven't I seen?' - as I said, he's immature when drunk...easily led. He is the classic example of a Bilbo Baggins 'I'm going on an adventure!' when he's drunk.

So, and I’m sorry this is so garbled, my questions are: i) would that hug have pissed you off? And ii) would you be concerned about his, in my eyes, immature lifestyle?

Other thoughts/answers obviously welcomed! Thank you.

RainySeptember

"...he earns half what op does, but still has to pay 50% of household expenses.

And maybe he likes his job and doesn't really want another one."

This is all a very good point, and if the OP doesn't mind being the main wage earner etc that is fine. But I think maybe she does mind a bit because that means the future is dependent on her earning potential. Will the boyfriend/partner stay at home if they have kids?

31 is still young but if you want kids OP I would be thinking seriously if he is life partner/children's father material for you. It doesn't make him a bad person if he earns less, of course it doesn't. I earn a lot less than my dh. But I was the one who stayed home, part time, with the kids, and still do. It's your call.

Maybe you are a bit fixated on the hug because you fear it means more, and maybe you have a hunch or something we do not know about.

actions Speak louder than words, OP. This is true with respect to his intent in getting a new job and setting you up for success as a couple and also his hug of the other girl.

I’d never hug someone like that who wasn’t my partner and certainly not with my partner there, it’s simply disrespectful. The fact that he didn’t get that is worrying.

The people who you choose to have around you reflect your values. I’m discerning of my friends. There values reflect mine. You can’t choose your family but you sure as shit can choose your friends and friendship group.

Good luck, OP.

"...he earns half what op does, but still has to pay 50% of household expenses.

And maybe he likes his job and doesn't really want another one."

Then he should say so and not pretend to want something he doesn't. Unless he just wants his life to stay the same while OP makes lots of effort to provide for them both.
But that wouldn't be it, would it?

You need to talk to him about the problems in the relationship. His behaviour is pretty bad but both of your communication is the underlying issue I think. You need to sit down and talk about what you both want from the relationship and what you expect from each other. Saving up for a house deposit and finding a job with good maternity pay are great, but it could be a terrible mistake to go ahead with marriage/house/child without first having proper conversations about your relationship.

What he did on the night out wouldn't have been a shock to you if you were being honest with each other and your reaction wouldn't have been a shock to him either. Obviously if the way he acted is a deal breaker for you then it wouldn't have been a shock to you, because he would have told you that's how he wants to behave and you would have broken up with him already and not been there to see it.

You can go ahead and organise the lifestyle you want but it takes two to build the relationship you need. He might just go along with most of what you are planning for but he could be the wrong person for you. You will need to talk to him to find out. Good luck.

Would it be really remiss to say the OP does sound like a chick lit sypnosis...and then she does indeed to go on to meet the rock climbing squash career guy....

.....then divorces him 12 years later because he's boring AF and then pops on Tinder, meet drunk huggy ex, he's grown, matured, now published author/bitcoin billionaire....

The rest is history.

You all know I'm right. 😁

I don’t see what you ever saw in one another — you sound completely incompatible. Your tone sounds more like an exasperated older sister than someone one year into seeing someone, when it’s all still butterflies and mutual adoration and a lot of sex. Why were you attracted to him, and why on earth did you move in together?

This comes up so often on Mn: ‘He’s a great guy apart from being awful at x, y and z’ only x, y and z are ‘finances, work ethic and drinking’ or ‘sex, washing and fidelity’. And the. It emerges hat the poster has nonetheless started living with this person and/or has had several children with him.

And what Inez said ...whats with the living together in the space of a year? Eager!! Then deciding he's actually a berk. (That's what the dating bit's for but you skipped that bit so......)

I wouldn't have liked that hug, to be honest and would've found it even more distasteful that he sincerely apologize, even after admitting that if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't have like it, either but yes, the other parts of your post paint a worse picture.

He does seem relatively immature, compared to you. And it's okay for you to want a relationship with a man who doesn't disgust or bore you every time he drinks. However, as you've already said, you can't ask him to just not drink again. (You could, but we all know he's not likely to change his lifestyle, since he "enjoys" it so much.)

You seem incompatible, and as people don't often change in essentials, you'll probably always be incompatible. I'd at least give it a long, hard think (and have some serious, honest conversations with him about your dissatisfaction and expectations) before tying myself to him with jointly-owned property, marriage, or children.

Ugh, that he didn't sincerely apologize, sorry.

i dont see the hug as a problem at all - however i find his reaction was. and his attitude in general. he either needs to grow up and respect your feelings or you need to move on OP

LTB

You are not compatible. It's only a year and you don't feel happy with him.

I think you're settling because you're 30, it's nearly time to have a baby and house prices are so massive that you need someone to buy a house with.

But that's not a good enough reason to take up with a man who is going to leech your work and energy and drain you of joy eventually.

Seriously, just dump him. You have no real ties to him, you're allowed to be single. If you really want a baby, you can have one on your own, without an inadequate man in tow. If you want a better home, you can move to a cheaper area.

You don't need to be with a man to get the stuff in life you want. And you are less likely to get the stuff in life you want, if you're with a man you don't really respect very much. Too many women have the best years of their lives blighted by needing to support, direct and manage the men they're with. Fuck it, live your life for you.

OP you are 31 and you want kids, you can hear the biological clock ticking. If you muck about with the wrong guy, waiting for him to change into the right one, you may run out of time to even have kids.

Whilst it all may work out, the first year of a good relationship should surely be still honeymoon period, surely you should be still gooey and mad about him? If the cracks are showing so soon, think what 10'or 20 years down the line may feel like.
Guys like this can often go on being party animals into their 40s and 50s. If he is saying weird stuff when he's drunk, may be the alcohol and drug use have started to damage his brain. This part of your post really stood out for me.
I think you like him, but he is not right for you as a partner and liking is not enough for a long term commitment. You have to be totally comfortable about assuming it to be a forever scenario with him as he is, not vastly different. People do change on the surface, like have better lifestyle etc as they age, but not fundamentally. Their attitudes and believes remain, or become more entrenched.

You and he just don't seem to have the same values. It's sad that he said he will do something and then doesn't. He will always be like this and if you were massively into him you wouldn't mind chivvying and suggesting, but if you are not massively into him this will drive you nuts.

No one wants to up-root their life and start again, but for your long term happiness, and his, unless you can have a massive heart to heart and soul search to change things, you may have to.

Having kids is a massive challenge for super together couples. It pretty much never makes a rocky relationship better. It does make a really good relationship deeper though.

Also, when you don't have kids with someone, you don't need a huge thing to end a relationship with them.

You are absolutely entitled to ask yourself "why should I bother to continue with this relationship" rather than "why should I end this relationship?"

Do not let having the relationship be the default. The relationship should be something which adds to and enhances your life; you don't need an excuse or reason to end it, you need an excuse or reason to continue it.

The first half of your post is a million times worse than the second! You want this man to father your future kids? Are you mad?

The doruggie and stupid friends would put me off.
The hugging is fine.

For what it's worth, OP, I actually think it's quite immature to be so bothered by a hug.

It's clear from the OP that the hug was the last straw.

And no, OP, you're not immature to have a problem with it. Especially if he would have a problem if you engaged in that behaviour. Says it all.