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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has he crossed the line again?

41 replies

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 10:47

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. will try and keep this short and sweet,

Been together nearly 8 years, 2 kids.. after the birth of our second child I found out he had been paying to watch women on webcam.. over 8 months he spent around £2000.. this was about a year and a half ago. It nearly broke us but since then we have worked on things and we feel the best we ever have.. and even booked our wedding..

However, last night I was on his emails (i snoop but I think I have a right to after what I went through last year).. and last month he signed up for a 1 month subscription (£50) of a woman on Snapchat who basically sends subscribers porn videos

He could not have been any more apologetic last year when this happened and said it would never ever happen again... but would you say this is the same thing he’s doing? He works away so I don’t have to see him face to face thankfully

OP posts:

ThanksHunkyJesus · 09/09/2018 10:48

Oh my god why would you want to marry this loser?

HollowTalk · 09/09/2018 10:49

I'd get rid of this man. He's disgusting. He's spending your family money and he's paying to watch other women perform sex acts. You can't possibly think of marrying him now.

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 10:50

I never when it happened last year but after working on our relationship i felt like it was the best it had ever been.. we only booked our wedding 2 weeks ago. I would have never booked it had I saw this email that I saw last night

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 09/09/2018 10:50

Of course he's doing it again. He got away with it before.

He wants this. He will keep doing it. He's probably been doing it all along.

It's up to you whether you want three people in your relationship. You, him and a cam girl.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2018 10:53

This is repeated behaviour on his part and he will not change. Saying sorry to you is not enough and you let him get away with it last time (and probably also because of the children). He is only sorry because you have caught him again. He is not trustworthy and without trust there is no relationship.

Would seriously now consider cancelling the wedding altogether and rebuild your life without him in it day to day.

subspace · 09/09/2018 10:55

Early cancellations of bookings hopefully stand the best chance of a refund.

I'm sorry for what you must be going through OP. You don't trust him, and you've been rewarded with evidence that yet again, you're right to not trust him.

Tell me again why you want to marry him?

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 10:57

I told him last time that had it not been for the kids I would have been gone. I know u shouldn’t stay together for children, but I wanted to try my best and I really did forgive him. This is just another kick in the face, especially after booking the wedding that I’ve wanted for so long

OP posts:

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 11:00

I wanted to marry him because he can be a good person (obviously isn’t when he does stuff like this) and he’s a good dad. It’s just a shame that he has to fuck it up.. I’m not going to say anything right now, the subscription runs out on the 12th, I’m wanting to see if he renews it first

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2018 11:01

It's a strange thing for him to do. Why isn't the easily available free porn enough for him? He must get something out of the personal connection with a real person rather than just a video. It's another betrayal and you need to have it out with him and decide whether it's something you can get past.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/09/2018 11:03

A good dad doesn't spend family money on live porn, sorry op
Also he knows you check or check his emails, do he must have wanted you to find it

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 11:04

I made him tell me last time why he didn’t just watch normal porn (which I don’t have a problem with) and why did he have to use a private webcam chat and all he said is “there’s just something about it being 1-2-1” .. he doesn’t have the balls go physically go out and cheat I know he wouldn’t.. but he quite easily does it this way

OP posts:

subspace · 09/09/2018 11:04

Does it matter if he renews or not though, really?

I bet your dream wedding involves a partner who has great sex with you and doesn't repeatedly spend huge sums of money on getting his rocks off online behind your back.

Imagine what a nice time you two could have as a couple for £50. That's a nice meal out for two, or entry to an expensive attraction for two. Imagine what £2000 would look like if spent on your partnership: maybe it would furnish a room, or provide a good holiday. Hell, it could have paid for something(s) to spice up your sex lives. But no, it went on porn for him, repeatedly.

I don't think he is the man you want to marry, whether he renews or not.

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 11:05

Well he actually has 2 email addresses...there’s 1 that he never uses that stores all off his emails and there’s 1 that he does use. He deleted it off the email address he does use but not on the other email address that he doesn’t look at... abit confusing

OP posts:

subspace · 09/09/2018 11:07

What's it going to take to convince you?

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 11:07

Subspace I completely understand what you are saying.. I just wish I wasn’t in this situation :(
I know I should have left last time but with a 6 week old and a 3 year old I just couldn’t :(

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2018 11:09

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they themselves can write nothing positive about their man.

He is NOT a good dad to his children if he can treat you as the mother of them like he has done. And staying for the children as well is rarely if ever a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. What do you want them to learn about relationships and what are the two of you teaching them here?.

You've already stated you and he would no longer be together if it was not for the kids; they should NOT be the glue or used as glue here to bind you and he together. This is all no basis for a long and happy marriage nor is the fact that you have been wanting to get wed for so long.

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 11:09

You can marry this man but it will then be one or two scenarios as he keeps doing this - divorce or putting up with him spending money and time on cam girls

Get out now! His words mean nothing, his actions do. He knows this would hurt you but is still doing it

zippey · 09/09/2018 11:11

It’s not really that strange. Watching porn is passive, this has actual interaction. It’s the next step. He probably consoles himself that it’s not cheating, but if you did the same, he would think it was cheatibg.

If you forgive him, he will get better... at hiding it. Someone said he has probably been doing it all along. He will probably keep doing it. You have to ask yourself if you are happy to be with someone who is a good dad and partner in other ways, but falls down in this respect. And if you are happy knowing he is probably doing it behind your back. Also, it’s probably just the tip of the iceberg.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2018 11:12

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have a choice still re this man, your children do not. Your mistake here last time was choosing to stay with him.

Do you really think that a marriage to him would at all last?. No it would not and besides which you are unhappy now. You certainly cannot stay just because of the kids; its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them and they are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him (whilst he continues to spend family money on cam girls).

BOO32 · 09/09/2018 11:33

How would he react if you told him you were planning to do webcam work to make some extra money?

roundthehorn · 09/09/2018 11:33

Mumsnet is a funny old place. On one hand women get scolded for not securing their joint assets through marriage, and on the other for finding themselves in vulnerable situations and not L'ing TB on the spot.
Consider your personal situation. Have you been a SAHM? If so what can you realistically walk away with? Half of your home, a pension, savings? On the other hand have you been the main contributor? If you separated now would you come away with your investments intact?
These are important questions you should consider before you show your hand. It's really hard when you've been side swiped by such a shocking revelation and have a newborn and all the mixed up, messed up emotions that go with that.
This is the time to take a breath. Marriage might be the best way to leave this situation in the long run. A Sunday is the worst time to deal with this. Keep calm and carry on until he's off to work tomorrow and you can confide in a friend and get some legal advice.
I wish you all the best. I found out about my husband's infidelity when I was 8 months pregnant and, although I confronted him, kept my marriage going for 3 more years so I could get a settlement that meant I could keep my kids and myself above water. Had I listened to the Mumsnet warriers I would never have made it.

HollowTalk · 09/09/2018 11:39

That's not true, though, @roundthehorn.

Get your ducks in a row is ALWAYS the advice here on MN. If you were 8 months pregnant and couldn't afford to split up, then nobody here would expect you to. You'd be advised to look at benefits you'd be entitled to, asked whether you could move in with family, or whether you could safely live with him until you were financially able.

Gingerlover2 · 09/09/2018 11:44

First of all the bad news is he HAS cheated, he's paid another woman to satisfy whatever needs he has sexually that don't include you. Very different to watching a porn film.

The good news is you are now in charge, whatever you decide to do from here is YOUR choice. The PP who sensibly wrote you need to think this through and take your time is right.

But this marriage is over, you'll never trust him again (so waiting to see if he renews it is pointless)

You are strong, and you will protect your children from the fallout but you must not give him another chance because he will continue to do this again, again and again.

Isitovernow · 09/09/2018 11:44

@Annon54103

How do you feel?

What do you think?

He seems to really invest in this. There's plenty of free porn on the Internet and yet, he goes and pays for a specific subscription. That makes me think it's more pre-meditated than 'I think I'll look at some porn now.'

You say things between you have been better than ever...is that worth throwing away?

Do you think the fact you snoop shows things maybe aren't as great as you think they are?

Have you spoken to him?

It sounds like you two need a couples' intensive one-on-one, heart-to-heart. Best of luck. May the best happen.

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 12:40

Thank you for all of the replies, there are too many to reply individually.

I’m not in a position financially to leave him, I had to leave my job of 9 years in March and since then I have used all of my savings and have to now depend on my partner.

I would love to see his reaction if I told him I wanted to do some cam work to earn some money, but he knows how insecure I am in the way I look and knows it’s something I would never be able to do

I am going to have a big think about it before speaking to him.. I know some people have said there is no point in waiting to see if he renews the subscription as he has already done it.. but it will be interesting to see as his wage this month isn’t going to be great and he has already mentioned being careful with money so will see if he’s happy to spend £50 to renew... even though I should be careful with money!

OP posts:

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