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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has he crossed the line again?

41 replies

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 10:47

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. will try and keep this short and sweet,

Been together nearly 8 years, 2 kids.. after the birth of our second child I found out he had been paying to watch women on webcam.. over 8 months he spent around £2000.. this was about a year and a half ago. It nearly broke us but since then we have worked on things and we feel the best we ever have.. and even booked our wedding..

However, last night I was on his emails (i snoop but I think I have a right to after what I went through last year).. and last month he signed up for a 1 month subscription (£50) of a woman on Snapchat who basically sends subscribers porn videos

He could not have been any more apologetic last year when this happened and said it would never ever happen again... but would you say this is the same thing he’s doing? He works away so I don’t have to see him face to face thankfully

OP posts:

Huskylover1 · 09/09/2018 13:03

Why is he spending money for videos, when there are literally thousands of free videos on the internet? Does this mean, there is interaction with this woman somehow? Because just getting videos on snapchat, that are generic and sent to multiple men, without any interaction, doesn't seem worth £50. This is what I'd want to know.

Porn = fine (ish)

Actually chatting with the women = deal breaker

In my book, anyway.

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 13:08

Huskylover1 - I have got no idea why anyone would want to pay for it when it’s free! I’m really not sure what happens on her Snapchat, all I know is that it’s £50 and you can get a basic or premium prescription and what a shock, he got a premium one. I wish I had £50 to spare in my own account and I would actually pay for it and put her on my Snapchat Just to see what it is. I don’t know if he send pics or if it’s on her story or if she sends them direct, no idea

OP posts:

NettleTea · 09/09/2018 13:55

you would be entitled to benefits and child maintanance if you left.
have you anywhere to go - friends/ family?

do you rent/own?

Maybe you could get housing benefit to cover the rent where you are if he left - having a pornhound webcam habit may not be something he would want bandied about, and the reason for breaking off the marriage, so might be good leaverage to get him to go

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 15:17

It boggles the mind because there is SO MUCH free porn on the internet that he is making a HUGE effort to disrespect you.

And £50 for a couple where you can't even leave because of our financial situation is a chunk of change and he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it

That's how addiction starts, £50 turns to £500 and soon enough he'll only be able to get going sexually by looking at a woman on the other side of the camera. What's your purpose in his life, childcare? Pervy fucker

Original poster

Annon54103 · 09/09/2018 16:29

I have family I could go to but with 2 kids I would just feel like I’m intruding.

We own, well.. he owns, he only wanted his name on the mortgage and at the time I had so much going on so I never bothered arguing the case.

Well when he spent £2000 when I caught him the first time I asked if it was an addiction and he said absolutely not, so I don’t know if it is an addiction, or if he’s just being a twat..

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 09/09/2018 16:37

So you are unemployed, have zero savings and no home you have any right to? Love, regardless of what you do, you have to start looking after yourself more. He holds all the cards. Every single one. He could kick you out tomorrow.

You need to think about your fallback plan, sharpish.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2018 17:00

@roundthehorn

Marriage might be the best way to leave this situation in the long run.

Marriage is something you do when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them.

It's not purely done for financial security. If you have a man spending thousands on pay per view porn... why would you marry him, when his behaviour is grounds for divorce?

The advice is get your ducks in a row in order to leave.

"there’s just something about it being 1-2-1”

OP... this here is the reason he won't stop. He likes it and he isn't going to stop. He is only trying to hide it from you. He's addicted to cam girls and other one on one action.

Marrying him under these circumstances would be unwise.

Why would you want to be legally bound to him.

If you split up he can spend all his time and money on PPV porn....once he's paid child support. I do find it pathetic to pay for this live porn. The stuff a sad desperado does.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2018 17:22

Just saw that you've got no job and it's his house.

I'd start or continue looking for a job.

I'd stop sleeping with him.

I'd not have anymore (of my money) spent on the wedding

I'd ramp up my social life as much as circumstances permit.

Then once I've saved enough for a deposit and sorted out accomodation and moved my things in bit by bit...... I'd tell him the relationship is over and leave the same day.

I can't trust him and knew he was still into the PPV porn.

It's easier to do when you emotionally detach from him.

yetmorecrap · 09/09/2018 18:11

OP, I personally am not happy with secretive and very frequent amounts of even free porn, occasional, then yes ok I could live with it, even though I'm not exactly thrilled with it, however if I spy any signs of webcam stuff, paid or 'just looking' , then for me that's an utter deal breaker. I wouldn't be ok with visits to strip clubs on a frequent basis, so just because it's in the house, why would I allow this, I see no difference., you should tell him to sod off as clearly and in my opinion quite rightly you expect higher standards of manners towards you

Doingreat · 09/09/2018 22:07

I find it hard to understand why you had a second baby who's 6 weeks old just after you found out about your partner's webcam last year. Was the baby unplanned?

He does have an addiction op. Men who experience that sort of sexual thrill can't give it up easily. You do need to leave him for the sake of your mental health if nothing else.

dirtybadger · 09/09/2018 22:18

You left your job whilst pregnant and you have now spent all your savings because of this? Is that because between you there isn't much money or because your money isn't shared.....?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 09/09/2018 22:22

In answer to you're question in you're original post OP - yes, he has.

Original poster

Annon54103 · 10/09/2018 08:29

No my baby was 6 weeks old when I found out about it originally. She was planned. Had I found out before hand I would have never had another child with him.

I had to leave my job when my youngest was 1 year old which was outwith my control, I didn’t want to leave my job. The way it has worked with us is il use whatever money I have until I run out and then I use his

OP posts:

Sarcelle · 10/09/2018 08:41

He is not a good dad. He is spending the family’s finances on this sordid activity, and massively disrespecting you at the same time.

There is no way you should marry him. He will not change, he has shown you repeatedly what he is like and you should be under illusion that this will continue and get worse.

You need to start planning to leave. He is a loser, the fact he is doing this is nothing to do with you or any lack on your part. This is a selfish, and grubby immature twerp and even if you were on your own you would be much better without him.

Sarcelle · 10/09/2018 08:42

Under no illusion I meant.

NettleTea · 10/09/2018 15:00

so you are always the one to go through all your money til you have nothing, and he just tops up.
He owns the home and because he didnt put you on the mortgage, you have no claim to it whatsoever - I hope to damn you arent paying someone elses mortgage for them here?

Why did you have to give up your job, and why didnt you go back into a different job ? Im guessing he said that the childcare costs would wipe out your wages so it wasnt worth it. Im guessing it was YOUR wages paid for childcare??

The webcam thing? I think he is too far gone tbh. He has progressed to PPV stuff, that means he is hooked.

You might be cool with porn but understand its like a drug - a clever mix of sexual excitement mixed with shame and a need to forever push the boundaries a bit more - its exactly designed like that to get men hooked? The porn merchants dont care about your partners sex life, they dont even care much about sex, they are after the money, and like with all addictive things, they want him hooked and reliant.

The fact you caught him once and he has carried on means he wont stop now. He really really wont. And even if he did, like an alcoholic, you just may not ever be able to trust him around its availability again.

You need ducks in rows. You need to leave and get your own place and forget about marrying this loser

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