Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I really need some advice - DH and I going through a rocky patch - I hate the relationship he has with our DD's

47 replies

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 07:41

We are currently living in difficult circumstances - living at MIL's while we found a new house, which we did but all fell through 2 weeks ago so back to square one. DH has been asking me for several weeks now what is wrong with e because I keep snapping at him and aparently getting the major arse over tiny things - I just answer nothing and skirt over the issue so I don't create an arguement that we can't have infront on MIL and DD's.

It all errupted this morning when DD1 (nearly 3) woke up at 5.30, DH was up as he gets up for work at this time and was pussy footing around trying to get DD back into bed, didn't even open her stair gate just stood there whispering for her to get back into bed (I was awake, as was MIL who was getting ready for work and so was DD2 (6months), therefore no need for the pointless whispering), DD was completely ignoring him and shouting no - so I got up and as soon as DD heard me she ran into her bed, I told her in a stern voice that if she didn't close her eyes and try to go back to sleep we wouldn't be able to go for a walk and to the park today like we had agreed yesterday. When I got back into bedroom DH said Calm down and stop shouting for god sake - I didn't shout or raise my voice once so this instantly got my back up and everything I have a problem with came boiling up.

When DH was on his way to work he text me to say sorry and he received both barrells as a reply (I know, I know, I shouldn't have said it in a text message but it was too late once i'd started) - Text message went along the lines of:
You aren't sorry - you think just because I don't go out to work that I can't possibly be as tired as you - you have no idea how hard it is trying to entertain a 3 year old and care for a 6 month old and it makes the whole day 10 x harder when DD1 gets up a the crack of dawn and is then miserable all day because she hasn't had enough sleep - You work 10 hour days but my hours are a hell of alot longer than that. You have no idea about the girls routines, you don't know what they eat or when they eat it, you don't know what nights are bath nights, you don't know when DD2 has her bottles etc and sitting down watching a film with DD1 when you get home from work doesn't make up for that - I'm sick of avoiding asking you to bath the girls or feed DD2 incase you get a strop on and start complaining how tired you are. I love you and I don't want to upset you but this is not enough.

Both barrells you will agree !

He has just called me now - like an hour later - to say sorry and he will try but u've got to understand it's not nice basically being told you aren't a good enough dad, you don't try hard enough and basically our kids don't need you - which is the way he interpretted my message.
I didn't say much, just said there isn't anything I can say when he tells me he is going to try harder, I don't expect him to do any housework or cooking, between MIL and I we sort it out, all I want is for him to have the fantastic relationship with our DD's that he should have.

He has since text me to say he is sorry if he has let me and DD's down but he promises to try harder.

I don't really know why I am posting to be perfectly honest - I know people will say if i'm not happy I should leave but that isn't an option, I am happy generally, our girls are happy and secure I just want him to bond with them properly. It's been tough being at MIL's for so long but it doesn't affect my relationship with DD's so I don't see why it should his.

Sorry that was much longer than I anticipated

OP posts:

warthog · 08/06/2007 07:49

i'm sorry you're going through this tough time.

but you've said the problem is that he doesn't have the relationship with your dd's that you would like. that's not what you said in your text. your text said he's not pulling his weight at home. a different problem.

i think you need to sit down tonight and tell him exactly what you want, otherwise he will continue to let you down.

OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 07:52

Agree with warthog. Could you perhaps put the emphasis on his building a relationship with the DDs ?

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 07:53

IMO pulling his weight with the children i.e bathing and feeding is the start of building the relationship a father and daughter should have. I love bathing my children, I find it's easy time to spend playing, laughing and then having lovely cuddles getting all dried and into PJ's - that's isn't a job to me it's something I enjoy doing

OP posts:

KTeePee · 08/06/2007 07:57

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment - and you could do with some time to yourself...

How about if you arranged to go out one evening a week after your dh gets home, to an exercise class or something or just to see a friend. Leave him to get on with putting your dds to bed - he may not do everything just as you would but let him muddle through. It will be good for him and the dds to have him do some of the childcare.

I have to say my dh is a bit like yours - not much help with the kids when he comes home - tends to eat his dinner and then disappear on the computer.... the kids have got so used to it they make a fuss if it's not me doing everything for them.... but if I make it clear that I am going out or am busy he will supervise homework/read stories, etc

I am very envious of friends whose dhs come home from work and get stuck in with everything!

nannyogg · 08/06/2007 07:58

Sorry things are so shit for you at the moment. I certainly wouldn't advise you to leave your relationship, it's a rocky patch as you say.

Fwiw I have been in a very similar situation. Me, dh and dd lived with my mum for 18 months while we were trying to save a deposit for a house. Anyway - things became really tense - with the best will in the world on everyone's part I hasten to add.

It was simply the stress of living together, the upset of not having our own place, and the feeling we were 'invading' my mum's (even though she was lovely about it all).

Honestly things only started to improve when we made the decision to move out and rent somewhere on our own for a while. I'm just wondering if your living situation could be the underlying problem for you?

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:00

I go to the gym 5 times a week KTPee so it's not a case of not having time to myself - but last night for example I'd asked DH when he got in from work if he could help with bathing DD's as I'd been ironing for hours and back was aching. He'd gone to his brothers house to drop his car off so I just went and put girls in bath - I bathed DD2 got her dried dressed etc, when he came home he washed and conditioned DD1's hair then left her in the bath for me to get her out dried off and in PJ's - then I went to the gym.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:01

I don't doubt that Nannyogg to be honest - it is very hard living here and I so desperately want to be in our own place and be a family again just the 4 of us. We have lived here before and since DD2 was born in November

OP posts:

warthog · 08/06/2007 08:02

i understand what you're saying fl. but i think you need to tell him the problem, rather than presenting your solution to the problem as the problem.

see, he could start bathing the kids mechanically and you'd still be cross, he wouldn't understand why and that would just lead to more irritation and stress.

give him some credit - let him work out the solution.

warthog · 08/06/2007 08:02

ah - i see it's already happened!

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:03

I would get annoyed if he was bathing the girls just because i'd made a fuss - I want him to want to do these things but he doesn't seem to.

OP posts:

warthog · 08/06/2007 08:04

tell him the real problem.

sassy · 08/06/2007 08:04

Sorry you are having a tough time. Indefinite living in someone else's house strains the best of relationships IMO.

Just a quick iobservation - you specifically mention bathtimes. I've always loved this time but dh hates doing it - finds it really stressful and hectic (god knows why!), so that has become one of my jobs. He then snuggles the dds in front of the TV for a few mins, gets their milk ready, brushes teeth, does stories etc. Maybe your dh has same hangups?

warthog · 08/06/2007 08:05

i'll bugger off now and stop annoying you

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:07

But now I don't think I know what the real problem is Warthog

Could be sassy but the bath times are just one general example - If I'd done the baths and asked him to put DD1 to bed and feed DD2 then put her to bed while I go the gym (like last night) he'd roll his eyes because he wants to just lay on sofa and relax. I appreciate that he wants to chill after a hard day but there is a whole evening once DD's are sorted and in bed

OP posts:

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:08

I suppose I just don't get why he doesn't want to do these things.
If I didn't ask him to do things he would literally do nothing with DD's apart from sit and watch TV with DD1

OP posts:

warthog · 08/06/2007 08:13

i see. there are TWO problems.

that he has no desire to help out with kids, help you, get involved, be a family.
that he's not building a relationship with your dc's.

it sounds to me like he's a lodger. treats the house like a hotel and you like the staff.

i do think living in your mil's house is a contributing factor.

i would tell him ALL of this, and also tell him how close you are to the edge and that things have GOT to change.

Twiglett · 08/06/2007 08:15

I think you're probably on the road to a solution now and he has apologised and said he'll try .. you now need to step back / be supportive and let him.

BUT .. and this is a HUGE WARNING

he will not do it in the same way you do .. you cannot be the foreman and tell him how to do it, you have to back off and let him do it in his own way

My DH baths the children and puts them to bed every night .. however his idea of a routine is to run the bath .. soap them over then leave them to it whilst he goes on his computer (room right next door) .. he plays computer games with them (which get them excited rather than calm) reads and pops them into bed

it is the most difficult thing in the world to BUTT OUT .. but you have to realise .. its his way

OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 08:19

I do sympathise foghorn, I really do. My DH is very similar. Mind you I don't particularly enjoy all these jobs these days either - but mine are a lot older and much more uncooperative . It was lovely when mine were little

But if he doesn't enjoy these things you can't make him. However he needs to help you out more for your sake and the sake of your marriage. The relationship building thing is seperate and he needs to do it his way even if it does mean watching a DVD with them. Maybe as they get older he'll find more things to do with them.

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:22

I would be absolutely delighted with that Twig.
I aapreciate everyone has different parenting ways - I shout and DH doesn't, he hatesit when I shout so I am trying hard not to.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:24

OrmIrian, he is much better with DD1 than DD2, I do think he finds it easier as they get older and can do more.
Now I feel like I have blown everything out of proportion

OP posts:

unicorn · 08/06/2007 08:27

I think that he is at his mum's house - a very different dynamic from being in his own place - which is bound to alter his behaviour.
It will be a challenge to cvhange it whilst you are there - as he has possibly fallen into the role of son again as opposed to father?
However another point is that some men (mine included) aren't necessarily very confident with young children, see you doing it all so well and will try and get away with the minimum amount they can.
I think you need to be totally explicit as to what you expect him to do (in a non emotional way)maybe get some sort of rota so it isn't ad hoc, and then he will know what is expected.
This will not last forever,ans I am sure it will be better when you get your own place, but in the meantime I think he needs a bit of gentle training.

frogs · 08/06/2007 08:29

You are having a majorly tough time, so it's perfectly understandable that you're stressed and prone to snap. Your dh is maybe not as involved with the kids as some, and def. not as much as you'd like. BUT I do think his reactions to your text and your comments show that he is fundamentally willing, and and actually quite forbearing -- if I sent my dh (who is also fundamentally willing and quite involved) a text like that it would cause a major melt-down scene, particularly if he was under pressure at work.

I can see that his relationship with the kids (and you!) isn't quite what you had in mind, but he also deserves some slack. Presumably he's also working to keep you all in Weetabix and mortgage payments? That's not nothing, imo. We've just moved house and it is incomparably stressful. Maybe once things have settled down a bit you could start having some calmer discussions about the big picture, and maybe try and help him get closer to your girls?

Tovik · 08/06/2007 08:36

a word of warning..
once he does get more involved with the dd's you will find yourself with a completely different problem the New Dad issue when he will start telling you when to give the girls Calpol and should they be watching this much tv and so on. then when you say you know what to do thank you very much he will say well you wanted me to help. it's such a complicated issue. my dh (basically New Dad) and i are just about sorting it out now with our oldest in senior school! it's not as simple as it seems. you'll want him to help but in exactly the way you want and his way might not be your way and there will be more full and frank exchanges of views down the road. and you can't talk about it properly because of not living alone... sounds like one of those crisis times when big decisions should not be made but everyone make the best of it until the practical difficulties of your life are clearing up. ps don't take this the wrong way basically i'm always on the wife's side on principle and prejudice!

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:37

Frogs I totally expected this to cause a major meltdown but he susprised me.
He is very stressed at work, he hates his job, doesn't get paid what he deserves, we are trying to set up a business of our own and are generally skint so I do appreciate he is stressed. I am stressed to as I sort out all finacial issue's, I know exactly how skint we are but our children still need caring for

OP posts:

Original poster

FoghornLeghorn · 08/06/2007 08:39

Maybe I am expecting too much from him ?!?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2