Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's wrong with me?

35 replies

OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 07:00

Bit personal but not name-changed because I can't be ar*sed TBH.

I have a wonderful DH - certainly compared to some of the men mentioned on here - he loves me, he thinks (or says anyway) that I'm beautiful, he still wants to make love to me all the time, he willingly takes the kids off my hands when I need time to myself. We've been together 20 years and married for 14 years. I love him and respect him. We both know each others failings but that's fine -we both have them and accept them and laugh about them. On the down side we are always more or less broke, tired and stressed. And I can't help resenting him for his failure to take up a teaching career when he graduated and failure to understand that I hate living in a filthy house and he simply won't help or even do the jobs he says he wants to do. But on my marital balance sheet I don't think he's doing that bad.

But I am more and more reluctant to have sex. I've always accepted that whether I want to or not, we should do it regularly to keep our relationship on an even keel. And TBH most of the time I enjoy it anyway once we start - DH works really hard to makes sure I do bless him. But I still don't want to. Last night I was gritting my teeth and simply wanting to punch him in the face - I wanted to scream "Just get off me!!". I have never had a huge sex drive but it's got so much worse recently. I love him, sex is a big deal to DH and I want to make him feel loved in the way he enjoys most. WTF do i do?

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/06/2007 07:03

I just wanted to say about the resentment about the teaching career. I don't imagine this plays any role at all in your current question re sex, but perhaps it's something you should move on after so many years now.

NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 07:06

If you're feeling worn down by little things, and annoyed by some of them, that can affect your sex drive. Do you feel off sex with him? (Are you still interested in masturbating? Do you fantasize about other men?)

Being broke, tired and stressed also wouldn't help, obviously.

Can you talk to him about how much the house situation is getting you down? I don't think you can ask him to change careers to please you, but you can ask him to be more domestically competant.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 07:06

It wasn't the long ago Christina. He was a mature student and it was his big attempt to get some kind of career off the ground. And it cost us a fortune as he couldn't work for 4 years didn't get a grant for yr 1. Probaby should let it go though.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 07:09

NQC - not recently. I have done in the past but not interested these days. Beleive me we've talked to him about the domestic stuff so many times. I'd more or less accepted it as just one of those things. I don't really understand why it's become such a big deal again - if that is the problem

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/06/2007 07:10

Sorry, I see now about the teaching career and I can understand why you feel let down. DH also changed careers a few years ago, from IT to plumbing & gas fitting, so I know the hassle and effect on finance. (He's going back to IT now for just a few months as we need a steady income for a bit.)

sleepycat · 08/06/2007 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 09:30

Thankyou.

It just seems odd that, if it is a reaction to resentment and feelings I have about us and life in general, it's all come to a head now.

The word menopause keeps hovering round my brain. I'm 42 and things have been getting irregular for about a yr now. Would this maybe have any effects of this kind?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 08/06/2007 09:37

Why is your house filthy?
I agree I wouldn;'t feel much like shagging if my house was filthy!
Can you not have a massive spring clean

Blu · 08/06/2007 09:42

Tired and stressed is more than enough reason for your Vitamin F levels to be sluggish. Let alone the deeper resentments. Does he do other work?
I don't think that anyone ever fees sexual when they rae tired and stressed, do they?

Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 10:05

CD - Perhaps filthy is overstating the case a tad. I do my best really I do. But it's hard to do everything myself. I have 3 kids and I work 30 hrs a week. DH works longer hours but doesn't exactly earn a fortune. I also get whinged at if I do too much cleaning when DH is about. And really it needs decorating from top to bottom but I don't have the time, DH doesn't see the need and we can't afford someone to do it for us. DH has a total myopia about mess and dirt. How can you honestly teach children to put their clothes away when their father doesn't?

Actually having talked about it I'm wondering if a big confrontation is on the cards..... I'm just getting crosser and crosser. Thought that I had accepted everything that winds me up...but maybe not.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 10:05

No Blu probably not

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 08/06/2007 10:06

relationship counselling sounds like a good bet to me!

Anniegetyourgun · 08/06/2007 13:32

This time about 18 months ago I would have posted something very similar to the OP. I closed my eyes to the bad bits and concentrated very hard on the positives, reminded myself everyone has failings etc, and thought any problems with my libido were down to age, tiredness or me just having unreasonable expectations. Then we had the Big Row, and I began to realise how much of his behaviour was controlling rather than caring, how much of his apparent hard work was pointless hobbyism, what a mess we lived in and how much he seemed to like it like that, how much of the financial and emotional burden I'd always shouldered, and most importantly, that he was NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. The only thing wrong with me was that I'd put up with it for so long.

The divorce is going through slowly and we still have to live together in the meanwhile, but the ADs are getting me through in one piece.

Maybe there is some hope for yours, I don't know, but it's amazing what people put up with in general and consider normal until something nuclear happens to shake up their perspective.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 13:37

Bloody hell Annie . That sounds just like us...

Glad you're getting through it now. But it must be so hard to still have to be together. Did you make the decision in the end? I sometimes think that might be the only end result. And on my worst days I actually relish the thought. Even DH's mates tell him that if we ever split up they'll know it's his fault

But.... don't think I'm ready for that yet.

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 08/06/2007 13:39

You sound a little as though you feel like you're the 'grown-up' in the relationship - and this can be very waring in a relationship I think. And can certainly affect your sex drive.

I agree with other posters, it sounds like all these other issues are what is affecting your sex life. Sometimes, if they're not pulling their weight, sex can feel like just one more thing you DO for them, rather than something you do together. Does that make sense?

Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 13:41

Yes ahundred. Another chore and one that has to be carried in my time when I've got the kids to bed and finally relaxed for the day. I know it's not meant to be like that. Oh sh*t... perhaps things are more serious than I thought.

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 08/06/2007 13:43

Can the two of you go away somewhere for a weekend, talk things through and try and get a bit of balance back. When sex becomes a chore, is time to take action!

Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 13:47

I doubt it. No-one to have all 3 kids I'm afraid. We're all off for the weekend tomorrow but that is not going to be relaxing. I am almost afraid to broach the subject - I hate it when we row - I blaze up and rant for 20 mins. He gets upset and then sulks for days and I end up apologising. Things change for a while but then back to normal. He buys me presents (usually bloody underwear )but that isn't want I need - try expecting rational argument from a man when you've just chucked his present back at him

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 08/06/2007 13:48

Yes, it was my decision. I believe in marriage for life and working through your problems, and it was so handy to have someone at home to give me lifts and look after the children (in his slapdash way), I agonised for about three months until I realised it was the right thing to do. His behaviour since has been so irrational at times that I have been known to thank him, ironically, for reminding me why I was leaving him. I still recognise his qualities and abilities, but have given up expecting him ever to use them to make our lives better. Too many years of disappointment will do that. Sounds like you have another 2 years to go to get to my stage - IF nothing changes.

Btw stress can cause irregularity, it may be that rather than an early menopause. Worth getting checked out perhaps.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 08/06/2007 13:51

"and it was so handy to have someone at home to give me lifts and look after the children "

Yep Sounds familiar too. I can go for runs and my other stuff - perhaps 4 hours a week compared to his 10+ hours - but not sure it's really enough to want to stay with someone.

What was his initial reaction Annie? Sorry to be so nosey - it just sounds so horribly familiar...

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 08/06/2007 13:52

But does he know how pissed off you are Orm? Earlier you said you thought it was okay, and that you could live with all the 'little' annoyances, and basically now it sounds like you can't and you need to tell him this?

Give him a chance to understand what's annoying you, AND why this means you don't much want to have sex with him.

If his friends are saying that about divorce, then it sounds like he's made his crapness into a bit of a joke, and tried to make it acceptable. I think you should tell him - as calmly and unmudslingingly as you can - why it's not okay anymore.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/06/2007 13:53

He sulks for days until you apologise - does my STBXH have a lost twin brother? He buys unwanted presents to make up for it - to add insult to injury, as mine wasn't earning, he paid for the unwanted gifts on MY BLOODY CREDIT CARD.

Hmm, I'd better stop now, will be hijacking your thread big-time. Mine's just a rant about the past; your situation still has to be resolved.

ahundredtimes · 08/06/2007 13:55

I think I'm about four years behind Annie, Orm, which is why I'm all for you talking this through. You are only two years, so you'll know best whether the communication lines are well and truly down.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/06/2007 13:58

His initial reaction was to apologise and say he owed me big-time, and that he would make changes in our lives. He'd get a job, shower regularly, agree to go on holiday with us, stop swearing, tidy up, oh, all sorts of wonderful things. But within two days he said he'd had a rethink, realised he had done nothing wrong, and began to make excuses why he couldn't change this one or that one... I gave it a few weeks longer ad I felt I must, but it became clear that he was only stalling in the hope I'd give up this silly notion of life not being perfect and get back into my box.

He did get a job actually, last autumn - then lost it - then another one, lost that - now he's too busy to take up the third one he claims to have been offered. Busy doing all this divorce crap I've wished on him, what a waste of his valuable time eh.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/06/2007 13:59

as*